Boyfriend is drunk off his arse

[aroseaday]

I went out last night/tonight with my girlfriends to a gig. I knew he was annoyed I was going out without him before but it was a girls night only (we are all early/mid twenties btw).

We've lived together for 3 years now and I've never ONCE seen him drunk. He hasn't been out with friends to drink all night since I've known him, just the odd pint and a game of pool, back by 11 scenario which is fine.

I didn't know he was going out. I left at 9 and got home by 1am to an empty house, dishes not done, bed not made, dog not walked etc and no reply from him. Cue worrying! He eventually texts me that he's out with mates and will be back soon. Come 3.30am he's stumbling in verbally abusing me (telling me to fuck off/go get on someone else etc) and literally unable to walk 2 feet without falling. Turns out he's been doing shots.

I sent him to sleep on the sofa as he was too drunk to shower and keeps throwing up. Got up for a wee and the toilet, toilet bowl, bath rim and wall are covered in vomit. Cleaned all that up for 30mins and he comes back in to puke again where he currently is.

I have no idea who this man is. I have severe anxiety and emetophobia so this is really pushing my limits atm and I've been crying.

Bet he'll be out of commission tomorrow too so everything will be left to me to clean as we only have one bathroom and I'm not using it in that state!

And you're pandering to his hangover why?

You’ve let him know that he can get away with this kind of abuse with no consequences so far.
I hope you’re going to lay down the law and carry on seeing your friends.

@aroseaday obviously it's your life but you've pretty much ignored what others have said and are now making him toast and pandering to him exactly like he wants. He'll do it again next time you dare to have a night out with your friends

You’re a fool.

"And you're pandering to his hangover why?" So he is well enough to #1 work tomorrow & #2 talk later about this whole situation.

Also I definitely haven't ignored advice, I've spoken to my mum and friends about it today and had supper from them. I've already laid down the law about him leaving the bathroom clean.

If he’s verbally abusive and aggressive to you when he’s drunk, he should never drink. He clearly has no self control, Is disrespectful and childish, and you deserve to be treated far better than this.

I feel it’s a shame but from the stuff you’ve said, I can see where this is heading.
It’s nice to make him toast etc but it’s not your responsibility to get him ok for work....if you’d have left him he’d have at least realised you’re not going to baby him after he has a go at you then gets roaring drunk and sick.

Unless he decides to work on himself and his issues to stop giving you grief, this is it for you.
Even worse if you have kids with him, for example if you stop working or cut hours. Imagine him telling you that you can’t see your friends on your maternity just in case you’re cheating AND he’ll see himself as paying for you being ‘off’.

Hate to sound negative but I can see where it’s going. Don’t feel daft or embarrassed or not want to split due to pets/houses

Since you mentioned you had an alcoholic father and he knows this and doesn't get drunk often because of it, it sounds even more so like it was designed as a punishment for you. The drunkenness, the throwing up - all things you struggle with. Massive coincidence that he did it after complaining about you going out isn't it? Ultimately your life and your choices but as pp said, I can see this leading into controlling territory.

If you'd left today and given him time to wallow in his own shitty behaviour he might have realised he can't pull these sort of stunts again.

Don't forget he has shown that he is abusive and controlling. If you talk to him this may end up being made to be all your fault (according to him).
How does the mantra go?
It never happened
Or if it did it wasn't that bad
Or if it was bad, it was your fault

Something like that.
If he agrees anything to appease you, it will only be temporary.
You can't reason with a controlling abuser.
He might be the cause of your depression and anxiety.

He's shown you he's a nasty drunk.
That can't be unseen.

I mean this kindly OP....why would you clean up his vomit from drinking?
Give some thought to your self respect.

By all means brush this under the table and stay with him....but know this....he showed you clearly who and what he was, and you walked straight into a shit future with a guy that absolutely isn't worth it.

Women who have shit partners always remember the moment they accepted awful treatment and stayed.

They know that exact time when they should have walked away and didn't ....

This is your moment....you have been told.

Wishing you well.

You've cleaned up his vomit, cleaned up the mess, and now you've made him toast and you're looking after him?
This probably won't have the happy ever after ending you are hoping for, but good luck.

Oh my

Why would you want to be with someone who gets jealous of you going out? He's controlling, jealous, nasty and spiteful. If you ever had kids with him you'd end up trapped in a house, no social life and no money. If you stay with him you'll be back in a few years in this exact scenario, wondering how to leave.

I was going to ask about money, are you financially dependent on him OP?

Op, I know this time you wont leave. I’ve walked your path. However, it may get to the stage where you have to. Please come back to Mumsnet when you need support. There are so many wise women on this forum and you are never alone. In the darkest days of my abuse knowing that I could logon and get support was priceless. My story started like yours and now two innocent children are caught up in it. Take care of yourself.

You made him tea and toast!!!!??!?!?

Wtf

His behaviour is controlling, immature and absolutely pathetic. He should be ashamed of himself.

OP, I met someone like this before I was 20.

It took me 30 years to understand the abuse I suffered, and my DC also suffered.

We left the abusive wazzock, and now are free and far happier than we'd ever been with him.

My anxiety, which was sky high around him, has improved so much that I'm hardly ever feeling it now. My DC were diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and they too are doing so well now.

Don't be me, and dont waste your time with this jerk. Your updates show only too clearly how his drinking and puking were deliberately aimed at you.

You deserve better, so my advice is leave.

Genuinely - the issue isn't the getting drunk and being sick here - it's his attitude about you going out with friends which is EXTREMELY worrying

Give yourself a pat on the back for cleaning it up! I have emetophobia and there is no way on earth I could have done that!

Agreed, the issue isn’t getting way too drunk and vomiting. That’s a fairly easy mistake to make, especially if you don’t often drink.

The insecurity about you having a life outside of him and your relationship, and the controlling, revenge/punishment attitude is the problem here.

It’ll never, ever, be a good relationship. Don’t stay with him, and fgs don’t have children with him.

Don't you realize that if you left this relationship a hell of a lot of anxiety and depression you feel would immediately decrease for you? He's controlling you be it while he's sober or drunk! Is this how you want to live forever?