Boyfriend is drunk off his arse

[aroseaday]

I went out last night/tonight with my girlfriends to a gig. I knew he was annoyed I was going out without him before but it was a girls night only (we are all early/mid twenties btw).

We've lived together for 3 years now and I've never ONCE seen him drunk. He hasn't been out with friends to drink all night since I've known him, just the odd pint and a game of pool, back by 11 scenario which is fine.

I didn't know he was going out. I left at 9 and got home by 1am to an empty house, dishes not done, bed not made, dog not walked etc and no reply from him. Cue worrying! He eventually texts me that he's out with mates and will be back soon. Come 3.30am he's stumbling in verbally abusing me (telling me to fuck off/go get on someone else etc) and literally unable to walk 2 feet without falling. Turns out he's been doing shots.

I sent him to sleep on the sofa as he was too drunk to shower and keeps throwing up. Got up for a wee and the toilet, toilet bowl, bath rim and wall are covered in vomit. Cleaned all that up for 30mins and he comes back in to puke again where he currently is.

I have no idea who this man is. I have severe anxiety and emetophobia so this is really pushing my limits atm and I've been crying.

Bet he'll be out of commission tomorrow too so everything will be left to me to clean as we only have one bathroom and I'm not using it in that state!

You need to get some perspective.

Neither of you done the necessary home chores that you could have done earlier in the day.
He wanted to go out with you, you said no, so he went out with his mates. And??
He hasn't been drunk in 3 years, so won't have any tolerance for alcohol let alone shots and overindulged. Once. In three years.
The verbal stuff is drink talking, that's the nature of the drug.
You both need to sit down and agree what's acceptable re housework and going out at weekends. Don't stress over it, it's one silly drunken night.

Red flags everywhere OP. You can't even go for a coffee because he gets jealous? No, cut your losses and get out as quickly as you can.

Trust me from experience - this behaviour will escalate and if you think about things you will notice subtle patterns in it. I certainly did and I put up with it for 10 years. By which time it was full on mental and physical abuse and it effects me to this day almost another 10 years on.

Listen to your gut, start thinking practically about how to leave and where you would go etc. It's bloody hard I know, but your mental well being is at stake.

Going out as a revenge is petty, childish and something someone does when they want to punish somebody else for whatever perceived slight they think has been put on them. What a wanker. I'm sorry you are in this situation 💐

He needs to get his insecurity under control and act like a grown up. If he doesn't don't waste more time on him.

Not read whole thread, but if he is seriously jealous and it's more than just this one incident, then I would bail out while I still could.

Red flags all over this. Soon you won’t have any friends to go out with. Dump his ass for this alone!! You’re only in your 20s. Don’t put up with this crap.

I would take myself off for the day either to parents, friends or whatever. If you don't feel able to do that then could you check into a travelodge or similar? Just for some peace and cleanliness and rest? When I want to escape I go to the leisure centre - you can spend hours swimming, sitting in the sauna, cafe etc. I always leave feeling more relaxed.

My point is being away from him in a quiet, pleasant environment is going to be better than being stuck home with him being hungover and most likely horrid to you. It will also show him you're not going to stick around and put up with this pathetic behaviour. He can wallow in his hangover and sort himself out without dragging you down too. He will be banking on you being home, tidying up his mess and probably giving him a hard time so that he can then play the victim. Surprise him and remove yourself from the situation altogether.

And while you're at it, think about whether you want to be with someone who reacts like this every time you want to do something independently. It's not healthy.

How are things now OP?

Wow, he's decided to punish you big time, hasn't he?

Will his behaviour make you think twice about going out with friends in the future? If not, then you can do as pp's have suggested, have a chat, put it down to a 'once only' and shrug it off.

If you think you will have to reconsider going out again in case he repeats the behaviour, leave him now.

I'd leave him anyway. Go out for the day, shopping, to a cafe, have lunch, meet a friend. Tell him when you get back that his behaviour was the last straw on the back of his jealousy, his attempts to control who you see and his controlling you. Pack up and leave.

'The verbal stuff is the drink talking, that's the nature of the drug' - bollocks - we don't all get abusive when drunk. The verbal stuff is the man talking

Hi everyone, so sorry for no replies, I feel asleep around 7/8ish and just woke up. He took the dog out this morning and just now and is still puking.😷 I don't want to eat today as it's put me off my food.

Going to have the chat with him this evening. I'm going to grab myself a coffee and read all your replies.

Ps, I can't thank you all enough for your support.

The drunk behaviour doesn’t even anger me that much but his pathetic insecurity is at best off putting and at worst a controlling red flag.

Leave him. This isn’t a healthy relationship and he’s not a decent man.

Don't be embarrassed to tell someone. It's not you who should be embarrassed! They might help you to see this from a different angle.

I have been where you are, leave him as it’s a hell of a lot harder when you have children too

@MaomiMak
"You can't be that anxious over vomit because I couldn't have entered that bathroom.

You cleaned it up?! "

I'm diagnosed with emetophobia, trust me my fear is real but I also knew I couldn't leave it as I needed a wee. I would have been so much more upset if it was vomit from a bug. At least I knew why he was pulling iyswim?

If he doesn't usually drink, then shots will have hit his system like a brick. My dh went off drinking a few years ago other than the odd whiskey. Work night out came along last year and he took part in a drinking game . I hadn't seen him that sick in years. It took him 3 days to recover. He hates the smell of vomit as well so it made him vomit more. It does sound like you both need to have a serious chat, but it might be a couple of days before he's capable of anything close to rational.

It's so sad as we are due to move on the 30th to a new, lovely place. It was supposed to be our home together and it's all in ruins now.

Yes, it’s very sad and I understand that it’s going to be difficult. But you need to be strong and cut your losses now and protect yourself and any potential future children from this toxicity. It’s no way to live and it will only get worse.

@sauvignonblancplz (love your username)

It's fine that he goes out like he usually does, it's not fine when he does this out of the blue.

A text is always courteous, he always tells me if he's going somewhere and I do the same. We had plans to watch a movie when I was back!

Dog was due his evening walk around 11, obviously the dishes were from dinner (we usually wash up straight after a meal) and he said he'd put the clean sheets on the bed whilst I was out otherwise I would have done it before. I recently don't work at the moment as I'm unwell with depression and anxiety so housework is always my thing as he brings in the income.

No he isn't verbally abusive without the alcohol. He does have a short temper though.

I definitely don't feel I'm controlling at all.

What a controlling prick!
You do need to reconsider your future with this controlling dick. I’ve no doubt you’ll decide to stay with him, because he’s great. But, he’s not! He’s controlling you and dominating you.

@DelphiniumBlue The funny thing is he's literally so clean normally, I remember when I met him I was surprised as his flat was clean and tidy, not like a batchelor pad!

I gave him a bucket but he chose not to use it.

I really need a wee and he's been in the bathroom for ages now.

@Youdreamedmydreamforme
"You sound a bit precious about drinking"

I am. I grew up with an alcoholic father (who has thankfully recovered now). My boyfriend knows about this and has never once since we've been together in 3 years done shots or drank more than a reasonable amount. He knows how I feel about it. So yeah I guess I am precious but he was supposed to respect that. I would have sent him to sleep at his brothers but he doesn't live near here and he'd have to drive to get him.

Oh aroseaday, I'm sorry. This is not the man for you, he is a nasty piece of work in drink and that's not likely to improve.
If you went through this with your father, you'll know that promises to improve and apologies rarely last for long.
Better to get support from family, don't be ashamed.
You've done nothing wrong. Don't stick it out with him just because you think that there is no where else to go.

Update: I've had a wee and he's been keeping the bathroom spotless so that's appreciated. He can't keep water down though so I've made him some dry toast and some warm water as that might be easier?

I also have a coffee.👍🏻 waiting until he's able to hold a conversation without puking.

Sorry but I wouldn't be making him dry toast and mothering him.... he is a nasty drunk