Boyfriend is drunk off his arse

[aroseaday]

I went out last night/tonight with my girlfriends to a gig. I knew he was annoyed I was going out without him before but it was a girls night only (we are all early/mid twenties btw).

We've lived together for 3 years now and I've never ONCE seen him drunk. He hasn't been out with friends to drink all night since I've known him, just the odd pint and a game of pool, back by 11 scenario which is fine.

I didn't know he was going out. I left at 9 and got home by 1am to an empty house, dishes not done, bed not made, dog not walked etc and no reply from him. Cue worrying! He eventually texts me that he's out with mates and will be back soon. Come 3.30am he's stumbling in verbally abusing me (telling me to fuck off/go get on someone else etc) and literally unable to walk 2 feet without falling. Turns out he's been doing shots.

I sent him to sleep on the sofa as he was too drunk to shower and keeps throwing up. Got up for a wee and the toilet, toilet bowl, bath rim and wall are covered in vomit. Cleaned all that up for 30mins and he comes back in to puke again where he currently is.

I have no idea who this man is. I have severe anxiety and emetophobia so this is really pushing my limits atm and I've been crying.

Bet he'll be out of commission tomorrow too so everything will be left to me to clean as we only have one bathroom and I'm not using it in that state!

He'll probably be in bed for most of the day.. so won't even notice you're not there. I've been in this situation with an ex. If I were you I'd get up get washed and ready for the day and then go out a bit later leaving his mess for him to clean up.

Get up this morning, get dressed and go out for a nice (strong) coffee and breakfast and mooch around the shops. Let him wake up feeling like shit in a mess of his own making.

Trying to stop you from going out without him, punishing you for seeing your friends (For four hours on a Saturday night?!) and saying you’re going to chat up boys, are all clear markers of abusive, controlling behaviours from an insecure and inadequate man. He’s a disgrace. He is also a disgrace for verbally abusing you while drunk.

Honestly, you’re young, get out now. He also abandoned the dog so don’t have kids with this self-obsessed man-child.

Honestly you really need to think hard about this relationship. He is controlling and nasty, that's really really not healthy.

He sounds possessive and controlling, you’re too young for this, run a mile! I wasted the whole of my 20s on a useless piece of shit like him.

Controlling about you meeting friends for coffee, possessive over you but won’t go out and do things, his behaviour overnight..,

I would have a shower and a cup of coffee and be planning my future.

Is your home rented or mortgaged? Whose name? Have you got savings? Scour Rightmove and local rental sites and find somewhere else or else throw him out.

It didn’t sound great before this drunken eruption.what’s in it for you to stay? Life’s too short.

Oh god, I remember this scenario from 10 or so years ago. Every single time I went out, my ex would go out as some kind of revenge. He’d get back and hurl abuse at me that I was some slut who was only going out with friends to chat up other men... He would say this even if I went for a coffee in the middle of the day!
In the end, he got it into his head that that’s what I was doing and started cheating on me on nights out. He was a jealous, insecure, little shitbag of a man.
I put up with it for 3 years before I caught him cheating on me in a bar.
Like a PP said, I didn’t realise that this wasn’t normal until I met my DH who practically forces me out the door if I haven’t been sociable for a while.
Get rid of this man, OP, it’ll only get worse

We've lived together for 3 years now and I've never ONCE seen him drunk. He hasn't been out with friends to drink all night since I've known him, just the odd pint and a game of pool, back by 11 scenario which is fine.
Fine by you or him?

I didn't know he was going out.
Should he have consulted you first? Maybe it was a last minute text.

I left at 9 and got home by 1am to an empty house, dishes not done, bed not made, dog not walked etc and no reply from him. Cue worrying!
Why would the bed not be made and dishes not done after 9pm? That’s very late for those particular chores, are they always left to him?

verbally abusing me (telling me to fuck off/go get on someone else etc)

This is horrible- does he behave like this without alcohol?

Turns out he's been doing shots.
And?

Are you also quite controlling of where he goes and spends his time?
Yes I think it doesn’t sound healthy at all, but your attitude towards him seems a bit controlling as well. Sorry.

OP, i often give the benefit of hindsight to my adult DD's and their friends. This might seem obvious, but you only get one set of each decade and when it's gone, you're a different person and your body/energy levels/how you think has changed.

Your 20's should be fun. That can be with a partner or while single. You should be having fun in different ways, especially with friends. You're often still figuring out who you are and you've got time to change your life around.

Don't wasye your time with someone who doesn't want the best for you. You're partner doesn't want you to be happy. It's all about him and you will eventually lose yourself.

My DD's are/have been your age. Two live with partners, one has children. Their partners happily wave them off to go to festivals/concert trips/mini breaks/nights out. That's what a healthy relationship looks like. You shouldn't be limiting each other. You should be helping each other grow and progress.

One of my DD does a combat sport and mixes with the other male members, with no objection from her DP.

@Ponoka7 Yes to all of this.

@sauvignonblancplz
"Turns out he's been doing shots."
"And?"

And because of that the OP has had no sleep because she's had to spend her time cleaning up sick and taking verbal abuse.

Most of us don't like peeing outside or were we wash up, so if she needed to use the bathroom, she's had to clean up sick.

My 2nd husband used to get blind drunk like this. Just could not drink sensibly at all. I don't drink at all and have no idea why he did this.
It would be the end for me and was actually, amongst other things.
Also the dog. How dare he just leave the dog like that. You can do better than him OP.

@MaomiMak You can't be that anxious over vomit because I couldn't have entered that bathroom.

Can we refrain from telling op how she must act in order to meet your definition of anxious please?

And stop using this thread as a platform to correct others. OP is seeking help in an abusive situation, and your comments are not needed or helpful here.

Don't let this arsehole get away with it, OP. The fact that he's willing to get himself into this state in order to control your social life is both pathetic and very worrying.

This is his punishment for you, as you’ve ‘defied’ his wishes on not going out. Are you prepared to put up with this?
You’re young and should be having fun, not dealing with controlling shit like this.

He is showing you who he really is, a possessive control freak that will ensure you have no friends and you'll be distanced from your family. You are his possession not his equal partner!

Honestly, fuck that. I assume you aren't married, you haven't got kids, it's time to split up.

And, do not be afraid to tell friends and family why. His behaviour is unacceptable and verbal abuse should never be tolerated.
You do not need to be ashamed of his behaviour you can't confide in others. The shame is entirely on him.

Oh gosh, I remember being at a friend's flat after work one night with a few of the other staff we worked with. I kept getting phone calls to see when I would be back, to the point everyone told me to stop answering my phone. So I had voicemails getting angrier and drunker each time. I went home to a trashed house and him passed out. I didn't make him leave and it took several more months before a seemingly tiny action from him just made me snap and finally kick him out.

I hope you've gone out, please tell your friends. It can feel horrible to admit what has been going on but honestly, it's the biggest relief when people say how much they dislike him and you can just talk to them about it all.

I know I'm an old fogey but proper grown-ups don't behave like this. He is immature. I assume he's around the same age as you so it's excusable just once but let him clean up his own mess.

I've been drunk when I was his age but it didn't become a pattern - if it does then dump him. As PP have said ask about the reasons behind it. If he's controlling in this way it's goodbye.

So you’re basically not allowed to spend time socialising without him? Why the fuck do women do this to themselves?

I hope you are ok. You say you are embarrassed, is that because you intend to stay with him? I wholey appreciate that people make mistakes but that level of jealously isn't a one off. It sounds like it's a big part of his every day thought process. You dont need to feel like you have to be overly transparent or come home early. My last relationship ended after an episode of violence. I never saw it coming. When I eventually met my new partner, I slipped back into being overly transparent again. He said just go out and do what ever, you dont need to text me. It was like having permission to be myself and be autonomous again.
Take care of yourself and dont settle for less.

@Cherrysoup Why the fuck do women do this to themselves?

Women DO NOT do this to themselves!

Why are you cleaning up.his vomit OP?

Where is your self respect?

He is a nasty abusive twat.

Why are you with him?

Is this really what you think you deserve from a relationship?

Have a think.

Aspire for more that this waster.

@Cherrysoup I can only assume that you've never dealt with an abusive partner who carefully and manipulatively worms their way into your head, everything is "because I love you" or "if you loved me". None of us thought wouldn't it be nice to feel anxious about going out, let's find an abusive partner, ffs.

This is all horrible. Vomiting everywhere, that's like a dog marking its territory, and saying to you, " look what you made me do! " Why didn't he throw up in the toilet, or a bucket? That's a choice on his part. Absolutely disgusting, and he's clearly not sor ry.
How can you live with someone so grim?

You sound a bit precious about drinking “he’s being doing shots” so what!? Forget about the drinking it’s a one off and not a regular patten of behaviour.

What your post should be focused on is the subtle abuse and controlling behaviour. Sulking when you go out, swearing at you. Don’t just focus on the drinking that’s a non issue.