Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just say THANK YOU ffs

448 replies

MadameBee · 14/03/2020 19:03

I need a rant.

I have two DSDs 15 and 13. I have been around for 10 years (was not OW). Have fairly good relationship with them.

I have two grown up kids who have left home and one about to go to Uni.

DSDs always have to be reminded to say please and thank you, which irritates me.

Worse is that that I put a lot of thought and effort into coking a nice meal (even if I didn’t and I just cooked a frozen pizza this would piss me off).

They refuse today thank you.

Everyone else, at the end of the meal says “thank you” and they sit there looking down in fucking silence, smirking, then DH tells them and it’s just shit and embarrassing and awkward.

WHY?!

OP posts:
Fishfingersandwichplease · 14/03/2020 21:57

I expect a thank you...always said it to my mum. I get no pleasure from cooking every night so a little acknowledgement goes a long way. Expect DH to say it too!! As l do if he cooks

Icecreamdiva · 14/03/2020 21:57

@TinklyLittleLaugh. You are so right about my mum having real trouble thanking people. She has always kept everyone in her life (except her second husband, now dead ) at arms length and having to accept help is alien to her. I am very different - probably as a reaction to her!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 14/03/2020 21:58

Being a bit racist now Jeepers. No need for it.

OhCaptain · 14/03/2020 21:59

Jeepers don’t drag us all into your xenophobia, there’s a love! Grin

Alsohuman · 14/03/2020 21:59

Every winter night my bloke fills two hot water bottles and I go to bed to find my pyjamas wrapped round one of them. It’s a little thing but I always thank him, it’s a real act of love.

JeepersC · 14/03/2020 22:00

I think the issue here is that the children don't feel at home with you there and you don't particularly like them anyway. Dress it as lack of manners if you like, but they're an invasion on your time with your boyfriend (aka their Dad). Get a grip on yourself. Don't bother your arse cooking if it's such a chore. I'm sure themselves and their Dad could rustle up a pizza if left alone.

voddiekeepsmesane · 14/03/2020 22:01

@JeepersC you seem to have issues far beyond this thread. Oh and BTW I am not British.

Alsohuman · 14/03/2020 22:02

He’s not her boyfriend, he’s her husband Jeepers.

JeepersC · 14/03/2020 22:03

voddiekeepsmesane Just have another vodka there. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

skybluee · 14/03/2020 22:04

God I wish someone would cook me a meal. I'd say more than thank you!

It takes two seconds and I don't think it's unreasonable that they should say thanks for the effort you've gone to. I don't think it should be mandated for every single meal as then it becomes weird and also meaningless as other posters have pointed out, but yes, it would be nice if most of the time they said thanks.

However, from the overall tone of this thread I kind of get the feeling you don't like them much possibly. You say your kids always say thanks - so 'your kids' don't include your step kids. Which must not feel very nice if you've been in a mum role for 10 years.

If you feel this strongly about it, you've said yourself you always have a meal ready for them when they arrive. Stop doing it and see what happens. Then, maybe they will appreciate the meal more next time and actually say thank you!

motherheroic · 14/03/2020 22:04

A lot of parents are being smug about the robotic 'thank you' their child needs to give before being allowed to leave the table.

Missteebeee · 14/03/2020 22:04

Three of my children still live at home with me (21, 15 and 6)

They all say thank you when I cook

It’s basic manners

MellowBird85 · 14/03/2020 22:05

It’s crystal clear they’re doing this as an act of defiance. My DSC’s always thank me for a meal. It’s basic manners and every excuse for it on here is just total bollocks. I’d sack it off and let DH cook for them in future.

JeepersC · 14/03/2020 22:06

He’s not her boyfriend, he’s her husband Jeepers.

Oh, did she get married? Must have missed that post.

Point is, she's an interloper who expects her step children to give homage to her. I would in me hole. The children probably don't even like her but they're stuck with her as she's with Dad.

Rhubarbpeony · 14/03/2020 22:06

Issue here is clear. You feel you're doing the children a favour by cooking for them. I am not remotely surprised that they smirk and sneer about you demanding thanks for feeding them. Do they dislike you generally?

Breathtakingly bitchy comment.

june2007 · 14/03/2020 22:08

Don,t talk about manner then put FFS at the end.

Livelovebehappy · 14/03/2020 22:11

Mine always say thank you after every meal I cook. But I’m big on manners. It’s just our normal really.

MellowBird85 · 14/03/2020 22:11

And why is it that there are so many threads on MN with posters saying they can’t stand their own children and everyone sympathises but if anyone gets a WHIFF of a stepmother not getting along brilliantly with stepkids they get absolutely flamed! So much bitter projection on here...

saraclara · 14/03/2020 22:11

A lot of parents are being smug about the robotic 'thank you' their child needs to give before being allowed to leave the table.

It's not being smug. It's saying that the robotic thank you is meaningless. And it is.

Yes, my kids pretty much needed rote teaching the 'thank you' to strangers/adult acquaintances. Because it oils the wheels. But within a household of people who love each other, appreciation should be heartfelt and spontaneous, not a rote learned time-dependent recitation.

aroundtheworldyet · 14/03/2020 22:12

@JeepersC
An interloper
And you’re racist rant.

I suggest you step away from the poitin ASAP!!

aroundtheworldyet · 14/03/2020 22:14

@MellowBird85
Exactly! A mum the other day wishing her child didn’t exist and said I hate her. And that’s all “oh your poor mental health”

Someone says I’d appreciate a thank you when everyone else has said it is an “interloper”

Issues abound

1Morewineplease · 14/03/2020 22:15

My adult children always thank me... we have never asked them to!

Inertia · 14/03/2020 22:15

I don't think there's any point in blowing this up into a big thing. Yes, it's rude of them, but saying thank you after a meal is the sort of thing that becomes established when it's modelled from a young age, and becomes part of the table manners within a family. It doesn't need to be robotic, but there is as an acknowledgement that somebody has taken the time and effort to cook for them.

In our household we do say thank you to the cook at the end of the meal, and the teenagers say thanks because it's how it's always been in our house (not that I'm claiming they are some kind of paragons of virtue- for example, they are offered the chance to suggest meals for the week when the shopping is ordered, so I'm pretty unimpressed if they don't contribute suggestions but then moan about a planned dinner!)

You could just reinforce good table manners among the adults in your house without pressing your stepchildren to do it- eventually they will get beyond the smirky/ sulky teen phase having observed how adults can interact in a socially acceptable way. You could take the pressure out of the system by getting your husband to cook when the children are with you.

JeepersC · 14/03/2020 22:16

Well the OP clearly doesn't love this pair of damsels anyway. Thank you or no thank you. I'd be willing to guess the feeling is mutual.

Op, if you don't want to feed them then don't! Their father can. I'm sure they'll rock something edible up together. No formalities required. How horrible to have to thank your Dad's girlfriend for feeding you.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 14/03/2020 22:16

Maybe the thank you isn’t robotic though. Maybe it’s a genuine expression of gratitude. I like to think it is with my lot.