Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why is he such an idiot for? Raging here.

106 replies

NameChangeCactus · 14/03/2020 08:40

I am currently fuming and disgusted with my drunken boyfriend, who has woken up after a night out with his younger brother barging through the front door at 3am waking me up even though I told him to be quiet when he came home last night before he went. He has just informed me that he has agreed to borrow his brother a very large amount of money in order to set up a new place for him and his girlfriend who he has known for approximately six months. Does anyone else think this is completely stupid and unreasonable and utter stupidity on my bfs behalf?

I told my bf he’s not going to pay for that and he said he can do what he wants to help his brother and now we are not speaking, he has tried to talk to me but I can’t talk at the moment without arguing so I am staying silent and ignoring him. His brother is always borrowing money from us, always asking my bf to “sort me out” some money, and my bf just nods and says yes EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. AND PAYS HIM WHAT HE WANTS (or should that be, what his brother demands??) Do you think it’s inappropriate and wrong for my bf to keep spending our funds on his brother (who is currently unemployed and not got a job, btw! Perfectly happy to scrounge and take money from us however! He is searching for jobs but STILL hasn’t managed to actually find one)

Do you think IABU? Or do you think my bf should growna pair and tell his brother NO and to stand on his own two feet and stop acting like a child all the time?

OP posts:
IceColdCat · 14/03/2020 08:42

Do you have shared finances with your bf? If so then YANBU at all.

Justabitworried · 14/03/2020 08:42

Need more info. How long have you been together? Why do you call it our money? Who's money is it? Do you have DC?

If you have separate finances then I think YABU sorry.

NellNorth · 14/03/2020 08:46

You lend people mines, or you borrow from them. He’s probably still drunk. No way would I be lending money just before an economic meltdown. Stand your ground.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/03/2020 08:46

If you don’t have separate finances then rearrange things so that you have separate finances. When your bf is the sole provider of loans to his brother this might change his mind.

And think hard. This will be the rest of your life if you stay together. Is that what you want???

pinkyredrose · 14/03/2020 08:48

Does the brother pay him back?

NellNorth · 14/03/2020 08:48

Money, not mines!

Ughmaybenot · 14/03/2020 08:49

Well of course it’s stupid, and he isn’t someone I’d want to share finances with, whether you do already or whether it’s something you’d be considering in the future.

BritneyPeedOnALadybug · 14/03/2020 08:50

It’s not shared finances but I still feel that my bf is getting taken advantage of every time his brother does this.

And his brother does pay him back but ONLY because I bring it up or just directly ask him when he’s going to pay the money back he owes my bf

Hahaha88 · 14/03/2020 08:51

Well firstly be clearer, is he borrowing money or lending it. Borrowing is the act of taking, lending is the act of giving.
Secondly, if you have separate finances he can do what he wants with his money. If you share money then of course he can't make a decision like that on his own. If you share finances and he thinks he can make decisions like this on his own his a tool and at the very least you need to separate your finances asap

Ughmaybenot · 14/03/2020 08:53

Name change fail?

To be honest, it’s completely not your place to be interfering with the financial agreement (or lack thereof) your boyfriend has with his brother. You either share finances or you don’t. He most certainly isn’t being taken advantage of, as he chooses, willingly, to lend his brother this money.

What you need to decide is whether or not that trait is one you can put up with in a potential life partner. It won’t change, he’ll probably just end up hiding it better from you.

urinetroubleagain · 14/03/2020 08:54

If you share your money then this wouldn’t work for me. I wouldn’t want to give money to anyone who wasn’t in dire need. Incidentally does his brother have dirt on him or something ? Why is your BF such a pushover?
If it is his own money and he isn’t scrounging from you because he gives his away. There is nothing you can do. His circus his monkey.

endofthelinefinally · 14/03/2020 08:59

If I were you I would walk away from the whole lot of them.
Is your boyfriend otherwise wonderful? If not, you would be better to extricate yourself now. This behaviour will never change.

Notimeforaname · 14/03/2020 09:02

Whoops. Name change fail

DrunkUnicorn · 14/03/2020 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotStayingIn · 14/03/2020 09:06

If your finances aren't shared it's a bit tricker. I would make sure I don't indirectly pay for things due to this.

If you BF runs out of money at the end of the month, for example, and you want to do something, do it any way but with someone else.

Hopefully, your BF will soon get bored with the arrangement. I would be annoyed too though if I was you! Sadly whilst you are on such different pages he should remain a BF, no chance this will work out long term unless you are more aligned on this.

Greysparkles · 14/03/2020 09:06

This thread is familiar.... Are you the guy who regularly berates his poor DP about his brother, even though its none of your business.
Its his money
It's his brother
Stay out of it

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/03/2020 09:11

Hmm are you the poster who has been moaning for years about your boyfriend helping his brother out even though it really has nothing to do with you?

lyralalala · 14/03/2020 09:15

How many times are you going to ask the same question?

What your BF spends his money on is his business

He has made it very clear to you over numerous occasions that he does not intend to change his relationship with his brother

Accept it or walk away

Mayaaaaa · 14/03/2020 09:16

Yeah, you are the poster who has been moaning about his boyfriends brother for ages.

Dont share finances and have been moaning about this since before you lived together, if you do now.

You have been attempting the 'lay the law down' and tell him what he can and cant do for years.

Yet there you both are, in a toxic set up still carrying on.

AgentProvocateur · 14/03/2020 09:17

God, is it you again - controlling man who is always morning about his boyfriend helping out his brother with HIS OWN money? If it is you, I’ve no idea why he’s still with you.

Cynara · 14/03/2020 09:17

I can't believe that a) your poor boyfriend is still with you and b) that after the many, many times you have posted about your insane jealousy of your bf's relationship with his brother and have been told that your behaviour is unreasonable/controlling/abusive, you're still at it and are still coming back to repeat the same old shit.

marblesgoing · 14/03/2020 09:18

Not your circus not your monkies Hmm

DappledThings · 14/03/2020 09:18

This is at least the 4th time you've started a thread about this. Everyone has told you every time that it is up to your boyfriend to decide as it is his money. You feel he is being taken advantage of but he is happy to lend the money. Until you share finances it isn't your business.

And if you are going to be sharing finances in the future you would need to settle this somehow first.

BritneyPeedOnALadybug · 14/03/2020 09:26

Yes, a name change fail 🙈
I’m not being controlling but that is a weird thing to just do, right?

Mayaaaaa · 14/03/2020 09:27

Yes you are.

You language is always 'I am telling him he is not doing xyz'

Swipe left for the next trending thread