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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why is he such an idiot for? Raging here.

106 replies

NameChangeCactus · 14/03/2020 08:40

I am currently fuming and disgusted with my drunken boyfriend, who has woken up after a night out with his younger brother barging through the front door at 3am waking me up even though I told him to be quiet when he came home last night before he went. He has just informed me that he has agreed to borrow his brother a very large amount of money in order to set up a new place for him and his girlfriend who he has known for approximately six months. Does anyone else think this is completely stupid and unreasonable and utter stupidity on my bfs behalf?

I told my bf he’s not going to pay for that and he said he can do what he wants to help his brother and now we are not speaking, he has tried to talk to me but I can’t talk at the moment without arguing so I am staying silent and ignoring him. His brother is always borrowing money from us, always asking my bf to “sort me out” some money, and my bf just nods and says yes EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. AND PAYS HIM WHAT HE WANTS (or should that be, what his brother demands??) Do you think it’s inappropriate and wrong for my bf to keep spending our funds on his brother (who is currently unemployed and not got a job, btw! Perfectly happy to scrounge and take money from us however! He is searching for jobs but STILL hasn’t managed to actually find one)

Do you think IABU? Or do you think my bf should growna pair and tell his brother NO and to stand on his own two feet and stop acting like a child all the time?

OP posts:
jellybeans44 · 14/03/2020 09:28

Its you again! I don't know why you keep posting the same things over and over! You really need to leave him if it bothers you so much and stop wasting everyone's time on here.

SouthernComforts · 14/03/2020 09:29

Have you posted about this 50 times before?

TorkTorkBam · 14/03/2020 09:30

It is weird that you and he are still bf and gf.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/03/2020 09:30

You’re not happy so change your mind set or dump him. Not complicated. I recognise you too.

Stelmariah · 14/03/2020 09:31

He is entitled to give all HIS money to whoever he wants as long as it’s not from your pocket. Then sit back and watch the show.

mauvaisereputation · 14/03/2020 09:32

Not only do you not share finances but you even accept that the brother pays your bf back. Personally I can understand why you’d be hesitant to get any more serious with this guy, in case it did happen with family money down the line. But as for right now you don’t have the right to tell him what to do with his money.

GinAndNightnurse · 14/03/2020 09:37

Providing he's covering his share of agreed living expenses with you and covering his own personal commitments then he's right - it's up to him what he does with his spare money.

It's up to you whether you want to live like this, or leave him. But you can't force him to do as you say.

Ughmaybenot · 14/03/2020 09:39

Well yes, actually you are being controlling...

Notimeforaname · 14/03/2020 09:44

You'll have to accept it or break up. Even strangers on here are fed up with your relationship.

myrtleWilson · 14/03/2020 09:44

Not again.....

SoupDragon · 14/03/2020 09:45

I’m not being controlling

What would you call telling him what he can and can't do with his money then?

MsPavlichenko · 14/03/2020 09:47

Again? As before it is none of your business. It may well be the wrong thing to do. Or not. It simply doesn't matter what we, or you think. It is your BF's choice.

You may be better off out of this relationship as this is an ongoing issue for you (and him) and you can't seem to accept it.

Onemorehitandillcrumble · 14/03/2020 09:51

This sounds very very familiar

Doesn’t it just!
Op YABU. it’s his money, he can give it to his brother if he wants.

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/03/2020 09:52

You need to leave. This will never, ever change. The brother will still be a moocher in 40 years time and your oh will still be rinsed regularly.

Even if you had bailiffs at the door he’d still give money to 5he brother.

Why would he change when his brothers an open wallet to him?.

lyralalala · 14/03/2020 09:56

I’m not being controlling but that is a weird thing to just do, right?

You are absolutely being controlling

I told my bf he’s not going to pay for that and he said he can do what he wants to help his brother and now we are not speaking, he has tried to talk to me but I can’t talk at the moment without arguing so I am staying silent and ignoring him

Not only controlling, but if one of my friends told me the above - being told what they can do with their non-shared finances and ignored and bullied I’d be sending them links to various organisations who can help people see that their partner is, or could be if allowed, abusive

This is not your money

It is not your sibling

Repeatedly trying to bully your partner into following your wishes is abusive

Accept his stance or walk away - those are your choices. Repeatedly shouting and bullying him is unacceptable behaviour and it is amazing he still hasn’t realised that and ditched you

Walnutwhipster · 14/03/2020 09:57

Were you hoping for different answers with your tenth post?

longwayoff · 14/03/2020 10:01

Hello again. Please remind the brother to get a place big enough for three so your boyfriend can escape your constant jealousy and nagging.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 14/03/2020 10:04

You ARE being controlling and it is NOT weird. A man helping his brother is NOT weird. It is especially NOT weird because the brother pays him back but, even if he wasn’t paid back, it still wouldn’t be weird. YOU don’t like it but that doesn’t make it weird.
Do you always think things are about you when they’re not?

Ellisandra · 14/03/2020 10:04

Not your money, not your business.

crapette · 14/03/2020 10:09

You've posted so many times about this that you should know that you BF is lending money to his brother, not borrowing him some money.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 14/03/2020 10:11

You try to tell him what to do with his money, you snatch the phone and hang up when he is on it, you throw his chocolates in the bin and now you have stopped talking to him. Either accept he will help his brother or leave.

NearlyGranny · 14/03/2020 10:11

Separate your finances from his, OP. And don't bail DP out of he runs short.

Don't marry him or you could find yourself liable if he stands guarantor for his brother's loan or rent.

Do you really want to be under the same roof with this man?!

Mayaaaaa · 14/03/2020 10:17

The issue isnt even abiutbop telling yon what he can and cant do because the bf ignores him anyway.

But it's the raging arguments, the attempt to make his life so miserable he eventually gives in and does as OP says.

It all kinds of wrong.

MissBax · 14/03/2020 10:24

You lost me when you said borrow instead of lend

PerkyPomPoms · 14/03/2020 10:24

You are awful to this man and his brother. Accept that they won’t let you destroy their relationship, or leave.