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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why is he such an idiot for? Raging here.

106 replies

NameChangeCactus · 14/03/2020 08:40

I am currently fuming and disgusted with my drunken boyfriend, who has woken up after a night out with his younger brother barging through the front door at 3am waking me up even though I told him to be quiet when he came home last night before he went. He has just informed me that he has agreed to borrow his brother a very large amount of money in order to set up a new place for him and his girlfriend who he has known for approximately six months. Does anyone else think this is completely stupid and unreasonable and utter stupidity on my bfs behalf?

I told my bf he’s not going to pay for that and he said he can do what he wants to help his brother and now we are not speaking, he has tried to talk to me but I can’t talk at the moment without arguing so I am staying silent and ignoring him. His brother is always borrowing money from us, always asking my bf to “sort me out” some money, and my bf just nods and says yes EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. AND PAYS HIM WHAT HE WANTS (or should that be, what his brother demands??) Do you think it’s inappropriate and wrong for my bf to keep spending our funds on his brother (who is currently unemployed and not got a job, btw! Perfectly happy to scrounge and take money from us however! He is searching for jobs but STILL hasn’t managed to actually find one)

Do you think IABU? Or do you think my bf should growna pair and tell his brother NO and to stand on his own two feet and stop acting like a child all the time?

OP posts:
Weregoingonanadventure · 14/03/2020 10:25

It's nothing to do with you, but you lay down the law and then use silent treatment (abusive) to get him to do as you say.
Its abusive and controlling.

This is nothing to do with you. He can make these decisions for himself. As long as it doesnt impact on your joint finances then he can do what he likes. But every single time, you TELL him what he is or isn't allowed to do and then you do everything you can to make his home life miserable until you get what you want. You're literally the definition of abusive and controlling. You use aggression, manipulation and bullying to get your way. When you dont get your way, you use silent treatment.

And then you start thread after thread about it, ignoring the responses and carrying on with tour disgusting behaviour.

Also... you dont "borrow money to someone". You lend money to someone or borrow money from someone.

Alsohuman · 14/03/2020 10:29

Do the guy a favour and leave him.

ChainsawBear · 14/03/2020 10:33

Fucksake, it's you again. And on top of still being a controlling sulky nightmare, you still haven't learned the difference between "lend" and "borrow".

Break up with your boyfriend already. And give him the link to this place on the way out, he needs it more than you.

JeepersC · 14/03/2020 10:45

You say 'our funds'.

Is your boyfriend not sharing the bills/rent or do you see his money as yours?

MintyMabel · 14/03/2020 10:49

Well firstly be clearer, is he borrowing money or lending it. Borrowing is the act of taking, lending is the act of giving.

It’s perfectly clear from the context of the rest of the paragraph. “Borrow him some money” is a well known colloquial phrase in many places. Don’t pretend you don’t understand in order to feel superior.

MissBax · 14/03/2020 11:00

'colloquial phrase' Hmm

Hahaha88 · 14/03/2020 11:03

@MintyMabel I didn't act like I didn't know what she meant, obviously given that I also discussed the financial situation of their relationship. I don't feel superior, but it's an incorrect term which is a) silly and b) potentially confusing

OhCaptain · 14/03/2020 11:06

What?? Who’s actually borrowing the money?! Confused

Poppinjay · 14/03/2020 11:24

There is a regional variation of the use of the verb to borrow. In some areas it is also used to describe the action of lending. I think most MNers understand this perfectly well.

Calling it silly or confusing is very clearly labelling the OP as inferior. It's unnecessary and unpleasant.

OhCaptain · 14/03/2020 11:32

I’ve literally never heard that!

VettiyaIruken · 14/03/2020 11:37

Is it joint money?
Do you live together?
Does your boyfriend giving his money to his brother impact on you as a family eg you have to cover shared bills?

If yes then yanbu

If no then it's none of your business.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/03/2020 11:38

I don’t know how old you are and how many LT relationships you have had. You can’t change your partner and you can’t change how they relate to their family. Sulking and stropping is a teenage response and has no place in an adult relationship.

If you are not comfortable with what your DP is doing with his own money then leave.

iheartislesofwight · 14/03/2020 11:43

ffs if it bothers you that much why are you still with him, or more to the point why is he still with you ?
this all sounds so stupid tbh.

ThisSistineWontScreamAtItself · 14/03/2020 11:46

You're fuming and disgusted.
You think he's completely stupid.
You think he's unreasonable.
You think he acts like a child all the time.

All your words.

If you think those things, and you do because you've said so, then leave him. You can't be with in a healthy relationship with someone you feel that way about.

You can't bully someone into being a person they aren't. Well you can, but it's abusive and strips them of their own identity and real personality.

You are incredibly controlling, speak about him absolutely horribly and bully him all the time.

If he was my friend I would be telling him to seriously consider if he wants to be around such toxic behaviour.

He should leave you.

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/03/2020 11:47

I can’t believe everyone’s so relaxed with a non working relative mooching off one who works all the time.

Surely adults stand on their own two feet?.

Sparklesocks · 14/03/2020 11:49

It’s weird how often this seems to happen on MN, every few months this exact scenario is posted. It must just be a common thing because surely nobody is pathetic enough to keep posting it over and over again?

GrannyBags · 14/03/2020 11:56

If it’s his money and his brother then why is it your business? Sounds like he needs to grow a pair and stand up to both his brother and to you.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 14/03/2020 11:57

@Fluffycloudland77 the OP and his partner do not share finances, the brother is not usually out of work. The OP has previously snatched the phone from his partner and hung up on the brother and thrown an Xmas present the brother gave them in the bin. If the OP doesn't like his partner lending money to his brother then instead of acting like a sulky petulant child he needs to leave. Nobody has the right to tell another person how to spend their own personal money.

steff13 · 14/03/2020 12:02

Surely adults stand on their own two feet?

Surely adults can spend their money helping family members is they choose to? The OP posts a similar issue every few months. He and his boyfriend have separate finances, and he's always said giving the brother money/gifts doesn't affect their household finances. Why shouldn't be help his brother out in that scenario? It's not what I would do, but if it's not affecting the OP I think he needs to let it go.

AntMansVan · 14/03/2020 12:06

If this is the poster I think it is you don't live together or share finances.

iklboo · 14/03/2020 12:09

It sounds like you're in an abusive relationship. I think I know which one you are.

MintyMabel · 14/03/2020 12:11

don't feel superior, but it's an incorrect term which is a) silly and b) potentially confusing

Who made you the police of how people talk? It isn’t confusing at all when put in context. It’s not up to you to decide colloquialisms are “silly”

RedPanda2 · 14/03/2020 12:16

Jfc don't you have any friends to moan to? You've posted this 20 times. Go and help an elderly neighbour or something. Get a hobby, you are controlling and jealous

PieceOfMaria · 14/03/2020 13:11

I’m not being controlling but that is a weird thing to just do, right?

Yes it's a weird thing to do. But it's his money, his family, his choice.

And you ARE being controlling.

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/03/2020 13:29

I wouldn’t like to be someone’s bank. I know relatives who’ve loaned 5 figure sums and got it back but it was a one off between three high earners.

Constantly asking for money’s not right when you’re an adult.