Why is he such an idiot for? Raging here.

[NameChangeCactus]

I am currently fuming and disgusted with my drunken boyfriend, who has woken up after a night out with his younger brother barging through the front door at 3am waking me up even though I told him to be quiet when he came home last night before he went. He has just informed me that he has agreed to borrow his brother a very large amount of money in order to set up a new place for him and his girlfriend who he has known for approximately six months. Does anyone else think this is completely stupid and unreasonable and utter stupidity on my bfs behalf?

I told my bf he’s not going to pay for that and he said he can do what he wants to help his brother and now we are not speaking, he has tried to talk to me but I can’t talk at the moment without arguing so I am staying silent and ignoring him. His brother is always borrowing money from us, always asking my bf to “sort me out” some money, and my bf just nods and says yes EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. AND PAYS HIM WHAT HE WANTS (or should that be, what his brother demands??) Do you think it’s inappropriate and wrong for my bf to keep spending our funds on his brother (who is currently unemployed and not got a job, btw! Perfectly happy to scrounge and take money from us however! He is searching for jobs but STILL hasn’t managed to actually find one)

Do you think IABU? Or do you think my bf should growna pair and tell his brother NO and to stand on his own two feet and stop acting like a child all the time?

@fluffycloudland77 this poster has posted loads

They don't share finances. She hates her fiance's brother and nothing he does is right

She even binned the present he gave her fiance because she felt that they had given him a better one. Even though she didn't contribute to it at all she felt like because it had her name on it he should have bought them both presents.

As a PP has said she also posted once about physically removing her fiance's phone from his hand and hanging up on his brother.

He has made it crystal clear to her that his relationship with his brother won't be changing and instead of deciding to accept it or leave she continually tries to bully him into her way of thinking

@lyralalala I think OP is a him, not a her.

It's obviously a relationship dynamic they've had for years. You won't change it,its their default. Your bf gets to play caring older brother, his sibling gets to exploit & mooch off his need to be seen as that. As such live with it if it's only your bf's £, or, move on if it's affecting joint finances.

What a mess.
Firstly, it was ultra obvious what borrow him some money meant in the first post, so I don't understand the confusion about that, unless it's just a misguided way to try to look down on someone. I can't abide people correcting other peoples grammar, spelling or use of words on here - what gives them the right to be in that position, to correct how someone talks? Yuck.

On to the other issue, I'd stay well out of it. It sounds like it's between him and his brother. Let them sort it out. It sounds like he very much wants to help him, which is a good quality to have.

it was ultra obvious what borrow him some money meant in the first post

It's not obvious. It is discernible within the context of the post but given that it means the exact opposite of what was intended it certainly isn't "ultra obvious".

Op do you keep repeatedly posting about this, you don’t live together, don’t share finances and keep posting about your boyfriend giving his brother money and keep getting the exact same responses?

Why? 😂😂😂😂

Op do you keep repeatedly posting about this, you don’t live together, don’t share finances and keep posting about your boyfriend giving his brother money and keep getting the exact same responses?

Why?😂😂😂😂

I don’t know, maybe it is me. It probably is. I sound off on here because it’s mostly anonymous and I can feel I can rant when I normally can’t in real life or on another sites he might be a member of too and see it and recognise it.

I’m just frustrated but if it’s that much and the response is always the same then maybe it’s me I need to look at or fix but then again the votes indicate I am NBU but the comments say differently.

To answe other comments: I’m not a controlling person, to those that have said I am. I’m quite easy going but just tend to fall out on this issue when it arises.

Yes I a man a man In a gay, two males relationship.

I wasn’t being silent to be controlling or abusive I was doing it so I wouldn’t say anything nasty or horrible because at the time I was feeling angry and like I could say something horrible if I didn’t control my language.

Borrow/Lend it’s been brought up a couple of times but round here people do say “can I borrow five pound” or “can you borrow me a tenner” - it may not be “right” but it’s the way I speak and the way I have known people to use it in that context and is normal language to speak in my area.

I don’t bully him all the time, we get on great apart from this issue. I don’t get how it’s me but maybe it is and I just don’t see it. I am not going to dump him or leave him because of this and hope he doesn’t do the same.

Anyway tomorrow’s a new day so let’s see what it brings. Thanks for all your advices so far.

You don't seem to want to take any responsibility and are just saying you aren't controlling / bullying / unreasonable. But you are.

If you don't like how he is as a person and how he naturally behaves then leave him. He is who he is. You are who you are. You aren't happy about so many things he does... so surely this isn't a compatible and healthy relationship.

Back the fuck off OP

-Not YOUR money as finances are NOT joint
-He meets his financial obligations to you and your living situation
-His money, his choice

You are very controlling. Back off

OP if it looks like a duck quacks like a duck it's a bloody duck. You are controlling because you have thrown your toys out of the pram about a Christmas present , tried several times to " ban " your partner from lending money (hint ...you cant actually ban your partner from doing anything ) and you gave him the silent treatment (your excuse for that one is manipulative). You are a bloody duck !!

Not sure why it's relevant that you are both Male to be honest , same rules apply.

Stop getting involved ! No shared finances means no say. Your opinion is irrelevant but I doubt you will listen because you come across as massively self involved.

You don't bully him all the time? Don't bully him any of the time!

You still don't seem to get it. It doesn't matter whether you are in fact "right" or reasonable. Or whether we agree on MN. It is not your business. Your DP has indicated this repeatedly. You hope it won't end your relationship. We'll do more than hope. Either stop interfering or move on yourself.

People make assumptions when they vote.

Next time (and there will be one won't there?) Put all the facts in your OP. That you don't live together. That your finances aren't joined. That you don't share children. That how he spends his money in no way affects your finances. That you repeatedly post this because it makes you so angry that your partner won't obey you.

Then see the votes.

Ah, just realised you don’t share finances. If it’s his money, it’s his money. Not yours. Stop being controlling

It's up to him how he wants to spend his money. As long as it doesn't mean the bills aren't paid

His money, his choice, nothing to do with you.

You're being very controlling, OP.

Oh, it's you again.

You post an OP which makes people think YANBU. Then other posters recognise you and fill in the gaps that you omitted to mention and people change their minds.

You don't live together.
You don't share finances.
You don't like his brother and sulk and cry and throw things to try and get your boyfriend to choose you over his family.
You start a new thread with very patchy information, get told the same thing - to stop bullying him - and then flounce off to start it up all over again.

I suspect his family are praying that he wakes up one day and decides to dump you, because you sound very controlling, manipulative and selfish.

@MsPavlichenko
You don't bully him all the time? Don't bully him any of the time!

I don’t bully him any of the time - that was a response to someone directly saying I bully him all the time, but continue to twist my words if you want.

@fallonswift

Oh, it's you again.

You post an OP which makes people think YANBU. Then other posters recognise you and fill in the gaps that you omitted to mention and people change their minds.

You don't live together.
You don't share finances.
You don't like his brother and sulk and cry and throw things to try and get your boyfriend to choose you over his family.
You start a new thread with very patchy information, get told the same thing - to stop bullying him - and then flounce off to start it up all over again.

I don’t do any of that but making it into a “list” makes it look real so I guess you achieved that. And I don’t hate his brother, I like him and the rest of his family very much actually. I don’t cause arguments or voice these things out loud or cause drama at his families events if that’s what your imagining. And I’m not being controlling I’m just saying that I don’t think it was a good decision and thinks he is a bit crazy to consider it.

@Shinyletsbebadguys

OP if it looks like a duck quacks like a duck it's a bloody duck. You are controlling because you have thrown your toys out of the pram about a Christmas present , tried several times to " ban " your partner from lending money (hint ...you cant actually ban your partner from doing anything ) and you gave him the silent treatment (your excuse for that one is manipulative). You are a bloody duck !!

Not sure why it's relevant that you are both Male to be honest , same rules apply.

No I literally only replied that I’m Male because people were questioning it and also questioned the fact that we don’t have any children together... even though I never said we did or tried to make out like we did?? I’m not a “duck” either, I was not being manipulative by not talking with him , I was controlling myself by staying silent to not say anything in my pissed off state. But that is abusive apparently.

Yes it is. Silent treatment is very much abusive. Your other options which most reasonable people use are to communicate that fact. To say " I am struggling with this and feel that if I keep talking about this I am going to say something I would rather not so can we talk about other things please and discuss this when we have both calmed down". Then respond in a reasonable way to normal conversations. Silent treatment is a withholding of all interactions and is childish. If you haven't got the ability and self awareness to behave like an adult and communicate then that is worrying. You have a huge issue with not accepting that you may be in the wrong.

You repeatedly post about the same issues , take none of the feedback and whinge that you are in the right. Why do you post? You say just to vent but I cant imagine its overly helpful to vent , be told that you are in the wrong and then complain that you aren't, it's like being on a constantly spinning hamster wheel what's the point ?

Just because you say you aren't a duck , all the evidence suggests that you are, who is strenuously claiming you are a rabbit , just because you say that doesnt mean it is true.

And I’m not being controlling I’m just saying that I don’t think it was a good decision and thinks he is a bit crazy to consider it.

You didn't just say say he's a bit crazy to consider it, you said:

Does anyone else think this is completely stupid and unreasonable and utter stupidity on my bfs behalf?

And that he needs to "grow a pair" and "stop acting like a child all the time.

You've spoken about him horribly, on this and other threads.

If you have so little respect for him and his choices then leave. You can't grind someone down into being someone they aren't and think that isn't abusive. So let him be who he is, without you saying how shit he is all the time.

Yes YABVVU.
But I guess you won’t listen until he dumps you for your controlling behaviour. And it IS controlling.

If you really love him and see a future together, you need to back off over him lending his own money to his own family. Or to whomever he wants to lend money to. Of course, as a loving and supportive partner you can voice your concerns, but you absolutely should not be demanding things and then sulking and giving him the silent treatment for not agreeing with him.

May I ask, if the shoe were in the other foot and you were lending much needed money to your sibling and your partner behaved in the way you have done, how would it make you feel?

Stupid typo’s..

So you didn't take his phone off him? You didn't bin a present from his brother? You haven't posted multiple threads about your boyfriend and his brother?

If none of the above is true then I stand corrected. But it's noticeable that despite a name-change the circumstances remain the same. As does the advice when people twig who you are.

At what point are you going to look back at all of this and realise that the common link here is you and your behaviour and expectations?

@FallonSwift
So you didn't take his phone off him? You didn't bin a present from his brother? You haven't posted multiple threads about your boyfriend and his brother?

This is just frustrating. I didn’t deny doing any of those things. You are accusing me of denying making those Posts when I didn’t even mention them or bring them up in the first place.

I would advise you to stick to reality and facts, In future

But did you throw out his property and take his phone???

It’s not shared finances but I still feel that my bf is getting taken advantage of every time his brother does this.

Oh it's you again. If it bothers you so much (STILL) just break up with him and save us all the misery of reading yet another of your repetitive posts