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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Strange Conversation with a Social Worker

149 replies

StressedtoHellandBack · 13/03/2020 20:33

I had a call from a Social Worker. I do think she was a Social Worker but was not showing any traits that I would expect from a Social Worker. I would expect a Social Worker to be caring, understanding and kind.
She asked what I am worried about. When I tried to tell her she spoke over me and interrupted all the time. She did not allow me to speak at all and although she claimed she called me to gain some clarity all she really did was to cause further concerns that anyone I know should be involved with a person like that in an official capacity. If someone is distressed and has to face someone so nasty and unpleasant I don't know how they would cope. I am not having problems of any description but this woman was probably the most difficult person I have ever spoken to. I was in a job where I spoke to a lot of people every working day!
There was something I said about a man who was being inappropriate with a teenager and I was told that Social Workers would not be interested in that. She said that Social Workers were not interested in vulnerable people being bullied or attacked or a man watching children playing every time children were outside. I thought Social Workers were there to protect children and also vulnerable people but this woman said this was not the case.
Her conduct was enough to put me off ever talking to a Social Worker at any future point. She seemed to have no understanding of the situation or the damage being done. There is isolating of people from family and friends. She does not see that if an adult will not go into a situation, why is a child left in that same situation.
I really would appreciate any help with this situation. I don't want to make things any worse for some vulnerable people who are already under the control of some unpleasant persons.
Am I Being Unreasonable to think a Social Worker should be protecting children and vulnerable people and being a whole lot more interested in listening than talking over another person in a conversation that she instigated.

OP posts:
JeepersC · 14/03/2020 11:03

I honestly can't understand how a conversation can remind you of abuse?
You suggest that the social worker spoke to you like your abusers. What exactly did they say? Or how?
If it was badly enough to constitute abuse, then report them. I really don't believe that a SW would abuse you on the phone however.
I guess it depends on what you considered abuse in your past.

StressedtoHellandBack · 14/03/2020 11:03

I have the Dysphasia as a result of a health problem a number of years ago. The problem is mostly resolved but there are some lingering parts to that problem. I have other health problems too. This was why I made a disability application. They must have the information that I have ill health problems. I work in a different role but similar that I ask for information from people. I go at the pace of the person I am speaking to and I am never rude or abrasive.

OP posts:
JeepersC · 14/03/2020 11:08

This was why I made a disability application. They must have the information that I have ill health problems.

You see you're doing it again! Randomly sticking in strange unrelated statements. Who are 'they'? The social worker who called you?

StressedtoHellandBack · 14/03/2020 11:11

@JeepersC The reason the conversation reminded me of the abuse is the tone of voice, the forcefulness of the over talking and interrupting, the demanding without waiting for the reply to the last question, the accent of the speaker, the grammar used, the impatience to not be aware that a person may have a problem. There was no question "Is this a good time to talk". Do you have time to speak? No realisation that something may not be easy or pleasant for me.
Not all abuse is physical. Someone who has had psychological and emotional abuse does not display obvious marks until it turns physical. It is not just a question of taking myself away from the situation as it would be in physical abuse. It is all there in my head and it does not take too much to set the memories off.

OP posts:
JeepersC · 14/03/2020 11:19

Perhaps you're not the best person to be reporting abuse then. It doesn't sound like you're strong enough to handle it right now. Get yourself some therapy as a priority.

BirdMascara · 14/03/2020 11:32

@StressedtoHellandBack, but you seem to be assuming that this SW had access to your entire casefile, with details of your own abuse, mental and physical ill health, disability claims etc? Surely if she's just making initial enquiries about reported abuse of a third party to see whether the case meets initial criteria for SS intervention, she's highly unlikely to have access to your file, which is presumably confidential?

Astressie · 14/03/2020 11:34

@JeepersC of course OP is the best person to report the abuse. This is an irresponsible thing to say. The onus is on the person she reports it to to manage the interaction in a positive way.

Threeflyingducks · 14/03/2020 12:32

Op, as a social worker I can tell you in all likelihood, the person who phoned would have had your name, number and basic details of why you had concerns. They would not have looked up your file. They would only be accessing (or creating) a file for the children referred to and checking if the adults in the complaint are known.
Social workers when making enquiries tend to be brusque, matter of fact and time limited. They have to be, as they work at a very fast pace with a time limit for making initial enquiries and with a high volume of referrals to check out. They will be boundaried about what their role is or isn't.

I can see why in your circumstances a phone call wasn't the best way for a SW to get a clear picture of the concerns. I would suggest you could look if your area has an online referral system, in which case you could put your concerns in writing as well as having an option to say that you have been hurt by these people which would mean that they could take a more sensitive approach to work with you. If there isn't an online referral, ask if there is a secure team email that you could send information to.

StressedtoHellandBack · 14/03/2020 13:01

@Threeflyingducks. You say you are a Social Worker. From the three paragraphs you have written I wish the Social Worker could have been more like you. You certainly come across as caring and understanding. I may have been more able to talk to you.
I will check for online referral system and try that avenue. It is not something I really find easy to talk about even with my friend of many years standing. All that has been achieved here is to make me dislike the Social Worker and worry about what they will do to the whole group of people with her nasty ways.

OP posts:
JeepersC · 14/03/2020 13:08

StressedtoHellandBack
It doesn't sound like the SW was nasty. It sounds like you're not in a strong enough place right now to make a complaint. Protect yourself first.

Threeflyingducks · 14/03/2020 13:15

Op, if you'd had me on the phone I could just as well as come across badly - it's really easy to misinterpret things on the phone and I know I have been thought of as harsh by some people I've spoken to in the past. I do try not to be but sometimes it's the job.

Please don't think the social worker is nasty or that we're all the same. I'm not minimising your experience, just that there could be many reasons why they came across as they did. We work in hugely stressful and upsetting environments doing a difficult job and we don't get it right all the time, we're only human. Please don't let it put you off trying to look out for a child. If you Google 'worried about a child [insert name of borough where you live] you should find details of any referral methods. Or you could ring the main number on a weekday and explain you want to share some concerns but that you have your own difficulties that means doing so on the phone is difficult and ask how they can help (you don't have to tell them what those issues are the phone, but you could for example say you'd like them to access your own file before they call you, or that you'd like to give info in writing first, or for you to have a friend help you with a call or a meeting)

We wouldn't be able to do our job without people sharing concerns so thank you for persisting even when it's tough.

StressedtoHellandBack · 14/03/2020 13:18

@JeepersC. You may will be right that I am not strong enough to go through this at the moment. I am the way I am now as a result of the constant psychological abuses over a long time. The children is this are in the company of the people who did this to me and the younger ones of the children had started to speak to me in the same manner as the adults which is why I removed myself. While agreeing with your view mostly I am concerned that the children are going through things that I as an adult have decided to distance myself from. My friends were aware of the abuses and made suggestions such as walk away or even worse suggestions but I tried to stay on so that I could watch the children carefully.

OP posts:
Astressie · 14/03/2020 13:32

Online referral form is a great idea. Could you get your friend to help you fill it in if the experience of doing it is difficult?

JeepersC · 14/03/2020 13:40

Expect for them not to do anything. Make the complaint, then shut the door on it. You'll have done what you can.

StressedtoHellandBack · 14/03/2020 13:56

@Astressie and @JeepersC I am going to do the online form. I will do it myself and keep a copy of it once written. If I find anything has been allowed to happen to those children I will know that I did what I could to try to get help. I don't want the children to feel as horrible as I did when it was happening to me.
I have taken steps to protect myself, rather extreme steps but that is what I felt was necessary for my own well being.

OP posts:
Astressie · 14/03/2020 14:07

Go for it!!!xxx Lots of luck and I hope you don't mind me saying but please don't be alone in experiencing this. Talk to your friends/ professionals to get the support you yourself needxx

Verily1 · 14/03/2020 14:46

I think the best thing is for you to write in your referral.

You sound in a very bad place emotionally and should definitely seek help regarding this.

StressedtoHellandBack · 14/03/2020 15:28

@Astressie I do not at all mind anything you have said. Thank you for your kind words xx
@Verily1 I am seeing now that I am not as recovered as I thought I was and if I thought I was better now you can imagine how bad I have been. I was scared to do anything for fear of a barrage of criticism. I have made contact with a therapist.
Thank you both for your comments

OP posts:
StressedtoHellandBack · 14/03/2020 15:47

@Threeflyingducks Thank you for your further information and comments. There is a lot more going on than I have said here and talking to a Social Worker brings back heaps of bad memories and this is also the reason I got the ill health which has left me with Dysphasia. It was also unfortunate that she spoke with the same local accent and phraseology as an abusive person.

I am not a harsh person and sometimes I am sure this is to my disadvantage. I never stand up for myself, I never give back chat, raise my voice or swear. This may also be the reason I was targeted for the abuse. I have noticed who has been picked on and it is always at the worst of times for the abused.
I hope one day that I will be able to speak to a Social Worker without it being a fearful event.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 14/03/2020 18:14

Unfortunately social workers are so overloaded that emotional abuse may not be as high on their list of priorities as you might want, particularly if they are well cared for in other ways. If you are in England, then school safeguarding should pick up if issues are shown at school and that will be another piece of evidence for the social workers to work with.

And the email with the relevant information, specific dates and details as well if you can.

RedHelenB · 14/03/2020 18:14

I mean send the email.

Threeflyingducks · 14/03/2020 18:49

@stressedtohellandback I really hope things improve for you. While I appreciate our situations may be very different, I am from a family where I was brought up to be terrified of social workers and police. I still find it hard to believe I am one at times. I hope providing the info online is easier. Also please remember even if it doesn't result in obvious effects doesn't mean it nothing will happen. It's often a couple of referrals over time that provide the evidence for us to start insisting that familles work with us (assuming they are ones that don't want to, which is sounds like would be the case here)

Samtsirch · 14/03/2020 23:05

The fear you express almost suggests some kind of Cult in the power they have over your mind and your abilities.
I believe there are people who can help.

StressedtoHellandBack · 14/03/2020 23:59

@Threeflyingducks I also have reason to fear any contact from Social Work. Their records are nothing they ought to be proud of. There was a situation where it was very close to disaster re children and also with elders they failed to respond in time. The lies are horrendous. They have never appeared to be ordinary decent types.
@Samtsrich I would not really say it is a cult, It is an abusive person who has others believing the rubbish they spout. I am not under any delusions, this is a dangerous person who seems to have power over some people but I am not one of those people. I am fearful of just how far this will go and I would not be the first time I was physically attacked. I am doing this because the children don't need the damage I have had
Thanks to both of you

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