To settle?

[amoreadultadult]

How many people settle with someone who is nice, caring, not abusive, but not the love of your life?

I’m in my 30s, wanting a family, fed up of not being able to do proper adult things like go on holiday, buy a house, so on.

Is settling really the worst thing you can do?

I think a lot of people settle but you might regret it in 20 years when you realise you're comfortable and safe but not necessarily happy.

You can go on holiday with friends and buy a house by yourself (granted, the house might take a lot longer).

I wouldn't settle down with someone I wasn't properly in love with for the sake of having an extra body around, that's the most depressing thing I've ever heard.

Going on holiday with friends doesn’t happen in your 30s. They all go with their families. Buying a house on one income is not possible around here.

I think it's horribly unfair to the person you're 'settling' for - they might be madly in love with you and then have their self esteem battered during the relationship as it'll be obvious how you feel, then their heart broken when you leave.

I think a lot of people convince themselves that they’re in love with someone for years and they end up accepting shitty behaviour or staying in an unhappy marriage as a result. While loving someone is very useful in ignore little annoying things and getting through difficult times it’s not always a good thing.

If you do settle you need to let the person know that you're settling. Don't let them unknowingly waste their time on someone who doesn't love them the way they love you.

My sister did ,she has just got divorced after 20 odd years together ,My ( ex) Is a nice guy ,solid dependable etc hi she has,nt been happy for years ,I suppose that's the risk you take ?

Actually fuck it, go on holiday by yourself. Best thing I ever did. You don't need a partner to do those things with - I know it's nice, but is sitting in your hotel bar/under the Northern Lights/at the top of the Empire State Building and looking at that person thinking "eh, you'll do" what you actually want?

Of course, there's also the danger that the "love of your life" isn't actually a quantifiable thing. Is it one person who ticks absolutely every single box perfectly - personality, looks, politics, ideas about children and how to raise them, religion or lack of, whether they're a morning person, whether they're tidy or a slob, whether they like adventure holidays or all inclusive beach trips etc etc? Because the chances are if that's what you're looking for, you'll be left disappointed anyway. If you mean a great love, someone who isn't perfect but makes you feel alive and like a better person, then that's worth waiting for, in my opinion.

Don't settle for the sake of ticking off a list - partner, house, dog, kid, holiday in the Balearics every summer... That's not happiness (unless you actually want that), that's thinking to be an adult you have to follow that formula.

My ex bil I mean!

Definitely don’t settle for someone you’re not in love with. But do have a good think about what you want out of a life partner. It’s perfectly possible to find a nice, caring partner who you also fancy and have fun with. It doesn’t need to be either or.

I think you’ll always look for someone else and will leave.

You need to fancy the other person and to have respect for them, as a minimum. Nothing wrong with marrying someone with whom it's a nice relationship and not a grand passion, as long as you're both on the same page . . . .

Don't do it, OP, because you'd always wonder "what if" you met someone else and fell madly in love.
My Mum had ditched a couple of fiances before she met my Dad in her early 30's, fell madly in love and married within three months. Imagine the mess if she'd "settled" for one of the other blokes!

My SIL met her DH in an airport when she was in her 30's. Total chance, but now happily married for 20 years. Hang in there.

I’m more likely to wonder what if if I don’t settle, IMO.

So long as you settle up, and don’t settle down!
What I’m saying is, don’t just settle for some knob who thinks it’s ok to keep you short of money or it’s ok to text his ex or give you a slap etc. . If you are going to just settle, settle for a guy that respects you, treats you well, maybe even loves you.
But.....chances are, if you settle you will one day fall in love, the passion will either break you or break your nice guy husband.
That seems unfair on everyone. it’s a tough call. Do you think you’re so unattractive that ‘settling’ for just anyone us all you’re worth?
Being single us not dreadful. Being trapped in a loveless marriage may nit be the worst, but do you really need to just put up with only ‘ok’? Don’t you deserve some red hot passion. 30’s is still very young.

Being single isn’t dreadful, but it does mean that things you want to do such as have children aren’t possible.

No you'll end to meeting the love of your life and being trapped in a loveless relationship.

I think I settled. I met my dh after coming out of a long term relationship and issues with my mental health. He perused me relentlessly. He’s not an awful guy. But we’re late 30s, three kids in and despite initially starting out with ideas of life in common, in reality with 3 kids I should’ve risked being alone and finding someone else. Our kids have special needs. He’s a better parent when I’m around.

I think it's horribly unfair to the person you're 'settling' for - they might be madly in love with you and then have their self esteem battered during the relationship as it'll be obvious how you feel, then their heart broken when you leave.

Absolutely this.

I settled for someone who was my friend. Great person just not the person for me. Would recoil in horror at his touch. Towards the end the way he breathed annoyed me. Both deserved better

Why would I meet the love of my life?

Where am I going to meet this person?

And by the time I do meet this hypothetical person I’ll be too old for kids, too old for a mortgage and really have wasted my life - but will be ‘in love.’

You could meet him in the shop? At the park? In work? The list is endless.

So you would rather have kids, a mortgage, etc with someone you don't really love? If that's the case, then go for it - but be honest with that person that that's what you're doing. Otherwise you're tricking someone for the sake of companionship, an easier mortgage application and a sperm donation.

If you actually want to do those things with someone you're madly in love with (and why wouldn't you?) then decide what's important to you in a partner and date like mad.

I definitely settled. DP never set my world alight but I'd an overwhelming craving for a family. We're now 5 years in, 2 dc, we rub along well enough and have sort of molded around each other.

Friends of mine who married the great love are in equally flat relationships due to the life that having young children brings.

DP and I may not stay together for ever, but that's true of any relationship.

Settle, but not for a pig. Choose someone solvent, decent and kind. Sure he may not set your world on fire, but it might be a slow burner.

You could settle. Have your baby and get your mortgage. You'll almost certainly end up divorced, but then that would (probably/possibly) happen anyway.