To settle?

[amoreadultadult]

How many people settle with someone who is nice, caring, not abusive, but not the love of your life?

I’m in my 30s, wanting a family, fed up of not being able to do proper adult things like go on holiday, buy a house, so on.

Is settling really the worst thing you can do?

I think more people settle than you think!

My sister 100% settled. But she’s happy now. They’re in a pleasant, companionable marriage.

It took a while for them to get there though.

I had a pact with a friend that we would marry when he was 31 and me 30. I met DH when I was 27 (so fair few years after the pact) and we married when i was 31.

I always wanted to be with someone (spent most of my 20’s single as I was fussy but did have a lot of fun! 😉) but DH is the perfect fit for me.

Friend would have been fine and tbh I had was not married and never had been o met settle now (am now 43)

Would I be as happy though 🤷‍♀️? Possibly not but it works for some people.

I will never settle. I couldn’t live that lie. I will join groups to holiday or just go alone. As for kids, if I want them, I will foster or adopt. I work with kids though, and I have to say 9-5 is wonderful but evenings and weekends I’d prefer a dog.

Looking back, I'm sure XH settled for me.
The signs were all there (including telling me how much he loved a previous girlfriend - I was such a fool!)
It's a truly horrible feeling when you realise your partner doesn't have the feelings you have for them.

I think loads of people settle & don't think it's a huge problem if you like each other & the other person is a good person. I know loads of friends in their 30s who met their dp & were married, on the ladder with a baby on the way in 2 yrs. They hadn't all of a sudden found the love of their life but they it doesn't mean they weren't/aren't happy

How would you feel if you found out your DH settled for you? I think it's a horrible thing to knowingly do.

Don’t treat someone else’s heart carelessly. You wouldn’t want someone to do that to you. If you meet someone who wants to settle then go for it.

Going on holiday with friends doesn’t happen in your 30s

You don't have good friends then.

Settle if you must

I suppose I settled. Met my DP early 20s, he was nice and we had a good life. We have a DC together. We’d been together for 12 years.

However last year I realised I really miss the passion and love I want to feel, so I ended things. It’s been hard and I’ve not met anyone, but I think it right for both of us. Resentment grows over the years and you just stop being forgiving of the little things.

Why couldn’t you have a child alone?

I’d rather settle than have a child alone.

Nothing wrong with settling. However I don’t think I’d settle at 32 for example, I’d probably settle at 38

Not the worst thing at all. I’m very content.

There was a really interesting article, I think in The Times from about 10 years a go about settling. It really stayed with me. Maybe try and find it?
Anyway the woman was arguing for settling. She was a single parent in her early forties by sperm donor. She wished she’d settled.

Settling doesn’t mean getting married to someone who is just tolerable it was about realising that what she was after didn’t exist and that those women who were 90% enough in her twenties were far better than the people she was dating now.

Depends. If you’re both open about the arrangement, I don’t see any harm in it.

But to agree to marry someone knowing that you’ve chosen them because they’re a good bet financially or whatever and they’re loved up and oblivious? Very wrong.

You can do all those things on your own. I can’t imagine settling just to get what I want and not caring about the other person and how they will feel when they eventually figure it out.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/306651/

I think plenty of people have settled without either realising it or admitting it.

Perhaps there is a different more appropriate word than settled - that implies you absolutely know you aren’t doing the right thing but do it anyway.
How about being pragmatic with relationships - I’m being pragmatic to commit to someone who’s company I enjoy, who is kind and dependable and shares my goals in life. Perhaps that person doesn’t set ur knickers on fire physically or give you the butterfly’s when you catch their eye but realistically that stuff doesn’t last for most people anyway.

Settling implies they’re going to be a numpty but they could still be a really decent person, just not the type to make ur heart race.

All that said, I met my “great love” in my late 30s

Remember that the love of your life is literally under your nose. Because it's you

Srsly nah don't settle. Or if you do, make sure that he is settling, too. Revel in small talk. Be comfortable in silence. Have sex like it's a judo match. Actually i think settling would be fine as long as you were both able to laugh about it and not expect the world from each other. You would need rich and full lives independent of one another that meant you were not seeking fulfillment solely from a relationship. To be honest, that doesn't sound like you though. Don't look to someone else to make life not boring. That's down to you. If you can find a buddy to shack up with, hold down a mortgage and pop a sprog while not asking fireworks from each other, that's cool. But life as a parent and the adult in the room id relentless and thankless and you could be staring down the barrel of mind numbing boredom, resentment and...no shagging. Think carefully.

Being “in love” doesn’t last. Being with your best friend does. A lot of people would call that settling. I don’t, it’s worked incredibly well for us.

I think the risk of settling is that a few years on when they’re driving you crazy there’s no underlying layer of love that keeps the relationship going and helps you to forgive each other others mistakes. DH drives me crazy at times and our relationship can become far too much about domestic drudgery and the kids but the love that is there keeps us on track. However I also know that I’m someone who if I thought there was a better love out there and that I’d settled then I’d always have one eye on that.

I would absolutely have settled. I thought that the whole love thing was a bit of a commercial thing driven by fashion and that when people said they were in love they meant what I felt for my various boyfriends, that is I fancied them and liked them as well.

Then I met DH and suddenly understood what everyone was talking about. I can’t bear to think of what would have happened if I’d settled for someone else thinking that was all there was. I’m sure I’d have stayed married and had an OK life, but I’d never have known the depth of the connection we’ve had for the last... so many.... years. It’s been a lifetime, and it’s still not enough.

You could buy a house with a good friend; why does it have to be a partner?

I would much rather be alone than be unhappy with the wrong person.

I have a friend who doesn't cope well with being alone, and I'm sure would be much happier settling than living alone.

Only you know which would be better for you.

I will never settle. I couldn’t live that lie.

Why is it a lie?!

Have you looked into options for having children by yourself? Fostering, adopting, artificial insemination? If having children is your main motivation, you really do have more options than "settling".