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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To settle?

105 replies

amoreadultadult · 13/03/2020 18:14

How many people settle with someone who is nice, caring, not abusive, but not the love of your life?

I’m in my 30s, wanting a family, fed up of not being able to do proper adult things like go on holiday, buy a house, so on.

Is settling really the worst thing you can do?

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 13/03/2020 21:11

I think the risk of settling is that a few years on when they’re driving you crazy there’s no underlying layer of love that keeps the relationship going and helps you to forgive each other others mistakes.

I agree with the above. If DH and I didn't love each other deep down, we wouldn't have weathered life's ups and down together.

I'm hazarding a guess that someone loves you and you don't really feel the same way - but you're wondering whether to go for it and see whether you can make it work?

It could work and you might grow to love them. But, I think you also risk their love turning sour (and possibly to hate) if/when they realise that you're "settling." It must be horrible to be the fallback person Sad.

Craiglang · 13/03/2020 21:12

@Woeisme99 This is me, 100%. 3 kids, large house, careers, we're not in ridiculous debt. We get along fine for the most part but I absolutely settled.

whiplashy · 13/03/2020 21:19

are you considering the other person in this or just yourself?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 13/03/2020 21:28

@Woeisme99

I don't completely disagree with the author's perspective, but I thought this sentence was telling:

"...since many of those who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned with each passing year."

She seems to imply that people who fall in love and settle down have "great expectations" of their relationship, i.e. finding their soul mate, the person who completes them etc., whereas loving another person long-term actually means wanting the best for THEM and wanting to make THEM happy, IMO.

If you have great romantic expectations of life with your partner, of course you'll be disillusioned, they're human! But if you really love them and want them to be happy (and they feel the same way about you), you work through things together.

urinetroubleagain · 13/03/2020 21:44

People meet the love of their life who matures into the person they settle for. If they smile most days is that so bad?

Mummyshark2018 · 13/03/2020 21:49

Find some new friends or interests. I'm mid 30's married 10 years, dc and go abroad with my friends at least once a year. Most also have dc.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 13/03/2020 22:14

Nice, caring and not abusive, without other qualities, will never be enough for me. So, no: I won't settle. However, I'm a solitary being and doubt that I'd want Mr 'Ticks All The Boxes' for a partner either. Being part of a couple just doesn't appeal.

If nice, caring and not abusive are sufficient for you, then YANBU at all Smile

Babybel90 · 13/03/2020 22:28

I can’t imagine being happy if I’d settled, there’d always be that ‘what if?’ in the back of my mind.

OP are you the type of person with a check list idea of the perfect partner? I’ve seen friends who will only go for men over a certain height or must have a certain hair colour and they’re never happy because they’re looking for the ideal rather than looking for someone they get on with.

HugeAckmansWife · 13/03/2020 22:45

Love is a huge loaded word and means a million different things but we use it like some magic formula. 'hes a horrible abusive bully but I can't leave cos I love him', 'I'm having an affair. It's wrong I know but I love him' etc. I've been married to my best friend, left him for a limerant crush who absolutely 'set my knickers on fire' and ten years later left me and our two kids for his limerant crush. I'm now in an arms length relationship with a guy. He has many lovely qualities and the sex is great but people keep asking me if I love him and I have no idea what to say. If I say no, I'm settling. If I say yes, it assumes the relationship will progress, get deeper etc. 'settling' implies accepting a 2nd best, a fall back rather than some mythical 'one' that may or may noy be out there, who you may, or may not meet. I think as a pp said, as long as both parties are aware and happy.. Mature and honest in their expectations, then what on earth is wrong with choosing a kind, stable relationship. BUT it shouldn't be out of fear from being alone.

livefornaps · 13/03/2020 22:47

Also... Someone could just be settling...for YOU. you ain't necessarily all dat, grrrrl Wink

WaterOffADucksCrack · 13/03/2020 23:24

I really wouldn't settle. An old ex friend of mine settled and it was so hard to watch. She openly admitted she didn't find him attractive, the sex was bad, totally different views etc but he is a high earner as well as coming from money and has plenty of it (but is so tight with his money), so she can live in a fancy house, never work, be a sahm plus having a nanny etc etc. You can see how hurt he is, she moves away if he tries to sit with her and bats his hand away if he goes to hold her hand or put his arm around her. To some outsiders it may seem like they have it all - it certainly does on social media - but your brain kind of thinks "glorified prostitute!"

OwlinaTree · 13/03/2020 23:30

Two of my sisters settled for guys that really adored them. One's with someone else now and it's a much better relationship. The other seems to have an 'interesting' dynamic.

Both of them have had families though and I would guess that would be a reason why they did it. I would imagine lots of people settle for someone who provides what they want and isn't a knob head.

lowlandLucky · 14/03/2020 00:08

If you are waiting for a Rhett Butler type it will be a long lonely wait. Dont "settle" just find a nice normal bloke that you like, then maybe you will fall in love

Mammyloveswine · 14/03/2020 00:10

I settled.. regretting it now and hubby has been confined to the sofa until he can stay at his sisters from tomorrow.., he is NOT who I thought he was

ViciousJackdaw · 14/03/2020 00:12

your brain kind of thinks "glorified prostitute"

Mine too - after all, it's just providing sex for money really.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 14/03/2020 00:27

I didn’t have much self esteem and settled really young for a nice enough guy. Then DH came along and I fell head over heels. It got very easy and horrible and I have massive regrets. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to settle.

bizzybuzzy · 14/03/2020 07:12

I think there is a difference between settling for someone you don't find attractive or share the same values with & settling for someone who ticks 7 of your 10 boxes.

MaomiMak · 14/03/2020 08:16

@bizzybuzzy exactly

No one is an absolutely perfect match. If there was a perfect match, no one would divorce and the stats are high among those who didn't settle.

BodiesMakeForGoodFertiliser · 14/03/2020 08:36

I couldn't settle. Firstly it's cruel imho as said above and secondly... It's been a decade together and I sometimes still find myself losing a breath over how much I adore him and he does me. We are each other's champions. We cheer each other up, support, provide a listening shoulder to moan, he eats my mushrooms and I eat his peppers. We also can tell each other when the other one needs to chill the fuck down and pull their head out of their arse.

Shock but your brain kind of thinks "glorified prostitute!" That's what she is. A cruel glorified prostitute.
Poptart4 · 14/03/2020 09:59

My friend settled. She was mid 30s and the last single friend in our group, which really bothered her. Her husband is a great guy, they were best friends but she didnt fancy him or love him in the romantic sense. But did love him as a friend.

Anyway she decided to settle for him. 5yrs later with 2 kids, house etc they are very happy together. He doesn't 'set her knickers on fire' but tbh sex fizzles out of most relationships anyway.

Will they last the distance? Who knows? But you could say that of any relationship.

IMO if your past a certain age and children is what you want then waiting around for the love of your life isnt practical. The love of your life may not even exist.

bizzybuzzy · 14/03/2020 10:13

you be madly in love someone but that doesn't mean they will be a great husband or father.

bizzybuzzy · 14/03/2020 10:19

We are each other's champions. We cheer each other up, support, provide a listening shoulder to moan, he eats my mushrooms and I eat his peppers. We also can tell each other when the other one needs to chill the fuck down and pull their head out of their arse.

But are these the marks of being in love or being in a good relationship? I've known my husband since my teens but didn't marry until late 20s as I'm a cautious person 🤣 All of the above didn't happen on day 1 but over time as we really got to understand & know each other.

BodiesMakeForGoodFertiliser · 14/03/2020 10:26

But are these the marks of being in love or being in a good relationship?

I think it's bothGrin We really hit it off from day 0. As soon as we met. I have never expected this. I am genuinely sometimes just in awe of how perfect he is for me when we bitch watching masterchef and he says exactly word from word what I was about to say.
We were lucky I guess. We had to move countries and a continent to actually meet😂

Original poster
amoreadultadult · 14/03/2020 10:35

Those of you who have love and are loved are very lucky.

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 14/03/2020 10:37

My cousin and his wife joked about having settled. They were the last single people left in their friendship group back in the early 60s and “ended up with one another”. They had one of the happiest marriages I’ve ever seen, they were together for over 50 years and when he died, aged 84, she was utterly devastated.