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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To settle?

105 replies

amoreadultadult · 13/03/2020 18:14

How many people settle with someone who is nice, caring, not abusive, but not the love of your life?

I’m in my 30s, wanting a family, fed up of not being able to do proper adult things like go on holiday, buy a house, so on.

Is settling really the worst thing you can do?

OP posts:

bizzybuzzy · 14/03/2020 10:45

@amoreadultadult we are, if it helps I don't see much difference between my friends marriages who were madly in love or settled. Sometimes I think the ones who settled have better relationships as they have the same goals or focus. Maybe settled is the wrong word? I love my dh more than anything & have always been very attracted to him but one of the reasons I waited to marry etc was because if he didn't have other qualities I wanted in a partner eg honesty, ambition, not a man child I wouldn't have set my life with him.

choli · 14/03/2020 10:49

your brain kind of thinks "glorified prostitute
Does your brain judge only women in that way or does it have a label for the husband as well?

NurseButtercup · 14/03/2020 10:51

If you decide to do this then settle with somebody that you respect and you regard as a good friend.

ClassicallyConditioned · 14/03/2020 10:54

I think there's a spectrum and most people choose a partner somewhere between "soulmate" and "he'll do". I also think maybe people have unrealistic expectations of finding that "perfect partner" in their teens and 20s and then reprioritise what they're looking for if they're still single in their 30s. & there's nothing wrong with that as long as you still choose someone that you believe will make you happy for the long term.

tiedy · 14/03/2020 11:05

I recommend this book. Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough

tiedy · 14/03/2020 11:06

Book by Lori Gottlieb. sorry

goldenorbspider · 14/03/2020 11:13

Not all people marry for love, think arranged marriage

Original poster

amoreadultadult · 14/03/2020 11:16

I often think that arranged marriages (not forced) have love growing. I like to think so.

OP posts:

Lovelymonkeyninetynine · 14/03/2020 11:19

Yes I think you're right about many arranged marriages, maybe it's because the expectation is that love and marriage are things that need to be worked on and change as life changes.
I think sometimes this idea of love only as being totally absorbed with someone and wanting to rip their clothes off is unsustainable and unrealistic and many people end up disappointed. Never marry someone you don't like, respect, or trust of course, or find repulsive! But nothing wrong with being prepared to work on a life with someone who has great qualities and with whom you can build a family and home.

Overthinker1988 · 14/03/2020 11:46

Personally I couldn't settle. I did for a bit in my 20s and it made me (and him, eventually) miserable. He really loved me, I liked him but convinced myself it was love because he was such a nice guy, would've made a good husband/dad and we did have a laugh and good times together. But after a year of living with him all I could see were his minor faults, hated him kissing me, found myself trying to change him, I felt trapped, but when I tried to end it he cried so much I felt guilty and backtracked. It all came to a head when I drunkenly cheated on him and he left. I'm not proud of any of it.

Ultimately it was for the best (apart from the cheating part) because a year later I met DH. Objectively he's just an average guy, not a rom com prince, he's not even my usual type and if I was to make a checklist for a "perfect partner" he probably wouldn't tick every single box. But, he gave me the "butterflies" feeling and we hit it off straight away. 6 years later he still lights my fire, I love him and living with him is a pleasure. His presence brings out the best in me and we're a good team.
I'm not sure if I believe in "soulmates", "love of my life", "the one" etc as I think there are lots of people in the world you can potentially be happy/in love with. But I'd say DH is the "love of my life" in that he's my favourite person, I had 0 doubts when marrying him and there's no one else I'd rather grow old with. That's not something I've felt for any of the other men I've supposedly been in love with. Time will tell though, I suppose - 6 years isn't that long.

However, I was 25 when I met DH. I can understand how it would be different if I were 35, time was running out for kids and I still hadn't met anyone. There's also a smaller pool of suitable single people compared to when you're younger.

Original poster

amoreadultadult · 14/03/2020 11:48

I can empathise with a lot of that, overthinker

If I was in my 20s it would be different, I think.

OP posts:

UnaCorda · 14/03/2020 11:54

I nearly did this but broke it off. Still not sure if it was the right decision, especially now I've been single for ages. Very decent man, but he was annoying me after not much more than a year together and I didn't fancy him.

SophieSong · 14/03/2020 11:59

I think it’s ok if both parties know the score and want to build a family unit and are ok with not being each other’s ‘one’ or however you want to call it. But I think ethically, no I couldn’t settle if I thought the person I was settling for wasn’t aware that’s how I felt. I just don’t think I could go through with a marriage for example if I knew as I was saying my vows I was really saying ‘you’ll do’.

Original poster

amoreadultadult · 14/03/2020 12:19

How exactly do you do that? Do you just casually inform the other person about it, and expect them to nod and smile?

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 14/03/2020 12:23

Is this a hypothetical situation or are you in a relationship with someone you like but isn’t the love of your life?

This matters because life isn’t black and white. If it’s real you must have an idea of whether you love them at all and whether you can look forward to spending you life together or not.

Settling for someone you love is reasonable even if they don’t set off fireworks for you. If they actually make you squirm despite looking good on paper then I think you are making a big mistake.

LandOfAThousandJumpers · 14/03/2020 12:26

You need to broaden your horizons. You sound like you have a very conventional, rigid outlook. Perhaps look at expanding your social circle to include others who do want to do the things you do. I’m in my 30s and I go on holiday with friends. Single and in couples (including when I was single). If you’re looking for someone to settle with, you’re just as well looking for someone that you actually like. Better to be doing it now than in 20 years when you can’t bear your unfulfilling life any longer.

You sound quite defeated and disillusioned OP. Are you feeling a bit down about things at the moment?

SophieSong · 14/03/2020 12:29

Yes, basically. Which would only work if the other person was also happy to settle for you. Would that be ok with you, knowing you don’t exactly set their world on fire but you’ll do?

LandOfAThousandJumpers · 14/03/2020 12:38

I’ll add - I met my DP while not looking at all, in my mid 30s. Just a total every day situation, wasn’t dating, not even socialising. People meet people everyday! But I would try and work out how you can create a life you enjoy on your own first.

Original poster

amoreadultadult · 14/03/2020 13:01

Problem is, there’s a middle ground between not loving and making you squirm. I know what you’re saying land but I’ve been alone for many years and quite honestly I’m tired of it now.

OP posts:

Dervel · 14/03/2020 13:04

I would counsel anyone against bringing children into a loveless relationship. Recipe for disaster imo.

Original poster

amoreadultadult · 14/03/2020 13:07

Why’s that?

OP posts:

Dervel · 14/03/2020 13:12

Because having children whilst it’s amazing in so many ways it leaves you tired, exhausted, fraught. Having the genuine foundation of a loving bond helps to weather tough times. Also people are less likely to bail on you if love is involved.

Original poster

amoreadultadult · 14/03/2020 13:28

All the above seems an excellent argument for not having a child alone, or not having one at all. Nothing to do with love.

OP posts:

WaterOffADucksCrack · 14/03/2020 14:13

@choli
Does your brain judge only women in that way or does it have a label for the husband as well? if you read my post instead of quoting the bit to suit your own agenda you'll read I was specifically talking about a woman. Not all women. If it were the other way around I'd think it about the man. No sexism for you to have a dig at here. Better luck next time.

Sickofrain · 14/03/2020 14:21

It's a tricky one. Lots of arranged marriages work well and the couple grow to love each other over time. You could fall in love later and regret having settled, but you might never meet them one' and lose out on having kids (if you don't want to do that alone).

Be honest, kind and respectful of the one you settle for and hope for the best?

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