Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like this was a very mean thing to do?

119 replies

hibbledobble · 13/03/2020 14:09

A very close friend planned her wedding abroad. My baby was due at a similar time to the wedding, so I politely declined the invite, as I wasn't sure if I would be able to arrange a passport in time, or feel comfortable travelling abroad with a tiny baby. I bought her a wedding present which I was due to give her when I next saw her.

We had been very close: she had even been there for my prior child's birth.

After my baby was born I tried many times to call her and message her to arrange a meet up. She agreed once, then didn't turn up. Other times she mostly didn't respond.

This goes on for months. Eventually I sent a message saying it was clear that she didn't want to be in touch, so I wouldn't contact her anymore. I got a vague reply to this months later about 'being difficult to understand'.

Aibu to think ghosting someone like this is very mean? I would have described her as my best friend. If I had done something wrong, I wish she had at least told me, or at the minimum have said she no longer wished to be friends and I would have stopped contacting her.

I do wonder if I offended her by not coming to the wedding, but I would have thought that people realise that if they schedule weddings abroad that not everyone is able to come.

OP posts:
turkeyontheplate · 13/03/2020 14:11

I would reread the "vague response" if I were you. Saying that she finds you "difficult to understand" is quite strong from a close friend IMO, she sounds hurt and confused. Could you arrange to ring her and have a proper conversation?

Original poster
hibbledobble · 13/03/2020 14:12

turkey this is the think, I tried to call her, many times.

It was very brief and curt.

OP posts:
ConstanceSalinger · 13/03/2020 14:14

How long ago was this?

workshy44 · 13/03/2020 14:17

What exactly did she say ?

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 13/03/2020 14:17

I would leave it personally. Yes it’s hurtful but she’s making it quite clear she doesn’t want to be friends any longer. You’ve done your bit so I’d just back off if I were you. If you try to force an explanation out of her you may not like what she has to say!

She doesn’t sound like a good friend anyway.

TheresGonnaBeARain · 13/03/2020 14:18

So, do you believe she felt extremely hurt by the wedding refusal? Knowing this person better than us, do you think she could have taken it as a slight, or an indication that you weren’t bothered about being there? If this was the reason, she is not being very imaginative - I guess she doesn’t have kids of her own?

What was the reply about from her? Did she say you were difficult to understand or that the situation was?? Does she have form for throwing strops and cutting people off?

I think you need to see her in person and find out what the score is. It’s a shame to lose a friendship for no apparent reason.

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 13/03/2020 14:19

It’s really, really mean. Someone did this to my mum and I’ll never forgive her. It’s completely understandable that people grow apart and move on, or you may have inadvertently upset her. But to ghost someone is really awful, I’m sorry it happened to you Flowers

Toogramtogiveadamn · 13/03/2020 14:24

@turkeyontheplate, did you miss the bit where the op said I tried many times to call her
Just let it go op. It’s very hurtful when someone does this to you but turning yourself inside out trying to find out why won’t be doing you any good.

Gemma2019 · 13/03/2020 14:25

Was your baby born before or after her wedding? Did you congratulate her on her wedding and wish her well before she left? I don't know why you didn't give get the present sooner?

nonicknameseemsavailable · 13/03/2020 14:38

she quite possibly was hurt you didn't prioritise her wedding. People can be very caught up in their important day and if she hasn't had a baby then she won't understand what was going on in your life.

having said that my best friend from being a teenager just suddenly cut me off and our other friends. None of us have ever found out why or what we supposedly did and now over 20 years later I still wonder. I still miss her too.

userxx · 13/03/2020 14:48

I would have described her as my best friend

Would you? If I didnt respond to my best friend for 3 days she would be at my front door.

Thinkingabout1t · 13/03/2020 14:49

Why not send the wedding present, with a note saying you’d been hoping to see her to give it in person. I would still love to see you and hope you and DH are well. Please contact me when you would like to meet.

Bluntness100 · 13/03/2020 14:52

So basically you declined her wedding and haven’t given her a gift either. And she said she’s finding your behaviour difficult to understand.
?

What did you do after the text? Ask why? Apologise? Ignore it?

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 13/03/2020 14:57

To all the above excusing her behaviour, why would you not just message/call your friend and say ‘look I’m really hurt you haven’t made an effort to visit and congratulate me on my wedding’. Obviously I think that’s ridiculous as it’s not easy to pop anywhere with young children (and a newborn) but if she doesn’t have children yet she may not quite get that. Why the ghosting? It’s so hurtful Sad

isabellerossignol · 13/03/2020 14:57

So basically you declined her wedding and haven’t given her a gift either.

On reading the OP I thought she meant the friend had refused to meet her to allow her to hand over the gift?

RiftGibbon · 13/03/2020 15:04

Blimey, even if OP hasn't given her 'friend' the present yet, that's not really the issue.
Not everyone got me and DH a present when we got married and I didn't get into a strop about it and ignore them.

Sounds like the friendship has run its course, sadly.

Original poster
hibbledobble · 13/03/2020 15:06

Yes, I was going to meet her to hand over the gift. I tried multiple times to arrange a meet. I didn't post it as I thought I would see her soon.

OP posts:
Clangus00 · 13/03/2020 15:06

She probably was very very hurt about her wedding, but that’s life. You couldn’t go and that’s it.
However, you could’ve at least posted her gift or arranged to meet up as close to her returning home as possible.
I would be hurt more by that than you not attending my wedding to be honest.
No matter though, this friendship is done.

Clangus00 · 13/03/2020 15:07

Cross posted. I would’ve posted it or dropped it to her house/ her parents house.

HollowTalk · 13/03/2020 15:09

Who is so self-centred they'd think that a friend with a new baby would travel abroad for their wedding, when it's a destination wedding anyway? It's an outrageous request. And to sulk afterwards is just horrible behaviour. I'd rethink this friendship, OP.

Bluntness100 · 13/03/2020 15:10

To all the above excusing her behaviour, why would you not just message/call your friend and say ‘look I’m really hurt you haven’t made an effort to visit and congratulate me on my wedding

Because many people avoid confrontation. Sometimes when people are hurt they try to find a reason for why the other person is behaving as they do and often withdraw.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 13/03/2020 15:11

If the gift is postable, then I'd send it to her, maybe with a photo of the baby & say you're sorry the two of you haven't been able to meet up & here's the wedding gift you've been waiting to give to her.

Then leave it. If she's suddenly mollified & gets back in touch, fine. If she isn't & you never hear from her again, well that's the way it is. Her choice, not yours. You've done nothing wrong & yes, she's very mean to leave you waiting for her & not turn up, & she's mean to ignore your attempts to contact her.

As for 'the difficult to understand' thing, it may be her way of saying she's offended that you didn't go to her wedding (she doesn't understand why you didn't go, when you were a close friend); or it may be blather because she doesn't want to hear what you're saying.

It would be sad to lose a friend, but I think you've done all the running.

IndecentFeminist · 13/03/2020 15:18

So does this mean she hasn't congratulated you on the birth of your child either?

SmallChickBilly · 13/03/2020 15:20

However, you could’ve at least posted her gift or arranged to meet up as close to her returning home as possible.
I would be hurt more by that than you not attending my wedding to be honest.

The OP says that they arranged to meet up and her friend didn't show! How can the friend be 'hurt' when she stood the OP up?

alexdgr8 · 13/03/2020 15:22

it may be my age, older, but i dont understand why so many women get so het up over this sort of thing.
its not as if she's a family member, or the love of your life.
you have your child, so its not as if you have an empty life.
really, dont waste your energy, or emotional input on this. forget it. live your own life.
good luck to you. concentrate on what is really important in life. enjoy bringing up your child. be the best parent you can be. you owe your care and attention to your child, as im sure you know and revel in, not to this or any other peripheral person. dont give the matter another thought. its not worth it.