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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like this was a very mean thing to do?

119 replies

hibbledobble · 13/03/2020 14:09

A very close friend planned her wedding abroad. My baby was due at a similar time to the wedding, so I politely declined the invite, as I wasn't sure if I would be able to arrange a passport in time, or feel comfortable travelling abroad with a tiny baby. I bought her a wedding present which I was due to give her when I next saw her.

We had been very close: she had even been there for my prior child's birth.

After my baby was born I tried many times to call her and message her to arrange a meet up. She agreed once, then didn't turn up. Other times she mostly didn't respond.

This goes on for months. Eventually I sent a message saying it was clear that she didn't want to be in touch, so I wouldn't contact her anymore. I got a vague reply to this months later about 'being difficult to understand'.

Aibu to think ghosting someone like this is very mean? I would have described her as my best friend. If I had done something wrong, I wish she had at least told me, or at the minimum have said she no longer wished to be friends and I would have stopped contacting her.

I do wonder if I offended her by not coming to the wedding, but I would have thought that people realise that if they schedule weddings abroad that not everyone is able to come.

OP posts:

rayoflightboy · 14/03/2020 00:27

Ha op how dare you have a newborn and getting over a birth.Dont you know your friend trumps all that[sarcasm].

So you didnt go to her wedding,but gave her plenty of notice.You had a baby,made arrangements and she didnt turn up.I know who is the bitch and its not you @hibbledobble.

I had a friend ghost me,had me meet with a newborn and didnt turn up.So i know exactly how you feel.Its awful on her part to do that.Look at it like you had a lucky escape and move on.
And enjoy her wedding present.

Gemma2019 · 14/03/2020 00:30

Nobody is piling in - OP is being deliberately vague about timing and when things actually happened. The timing is probably the reason the friend is upset. It sounds like the OP left it weeks or months before getting in touch and that's not good enough when it's your best friend. Yes the OP was having a baby but this isn't her PFB, she has other kids.

Onandonandons · 14/03/2020 00:34

I'd be hurt too by her. There's no way you could have gone to her wedding.

rayoflightboy · 14/03/2020 00:38

@Gemma2019
Yes the OP was having a baby but this isn't her PFB, she has other kids.

Yes other kids,which means she has other things on her mind.Whereas the other women made arrangements and then just didnt show.Thats way worse.

Gemma2019 · 14/03/2020 00:47

I've got several kids and a really busy life but I would certainly always find the time to make a fuss of a dear friend who had helped me when I gave birth. If I couldn't go to her wedding I would have still tried to be part of her special day in some way and make my presence felt. It's surely what you do for good friends?

MyFartWillGoOn · 14/03/2020 05:54

This sort of reads like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. I agree with PP that there is a lot of vagueness and if I read correctly, the OP last saw or contacted friend at the hen do, then tried to arrange for friend to come to her post wedding to collect her present (agree not ideal). Friend did send congratulatory baby text (unclear?) but if OP can't remember then perhaps she didn't respond (?) and also didn't text friend on her wedding day?

My very close friend got married abroad three weeks after the birth of my first child. The key here is a wedding is never organised at short notice-I had a LOT of time where I knew I couldn't go.

So while pregnant I took her on a separate afternoon tea to celebrate her wedding and make a fuss of her. While pregnant, I arranged for lovely gifts to be sent to her that would arrive just before she travelled abroad. On the morning of the wedding, I sent messages wishing her well and sending lots of love.

I agree that there should absolutely not be the expectation of new mums travelling to weddings and the baby must come first: but there was probably a fair amount of notice to organise something to make a suitable fuss and I think not texting good wishes the morning of the wedding is a bit thoughtless 🤷🏻‍♀️

AnneOfTeenFables · 14/03/2020 06:54

It may also be that other babies attended the wedding hence the bride thinking it was feasible and OP just didn't want to attend. The OP's being deliberately vague about timescales and blaming the passport process means she's also avoiding anyone saying 'that was completely doable' or taking any kind of responsibility. When it's likely that the lack of contact is what upset her friend. FWIW lots of people send cards and/or presents if they can't attend a wedding. It's so common that cards from people who can't attend are read out at the reception.

Kastanien · 14/03/2020 09:21

My very close friend got married abroad three weeks after the birth of my first child. The key here is a wedding is never organised at short notice-I had a LOT of time where I knew I couldn't go.
So while pregnant I took her on a separate afternoon tea to celebrate her wedding and make a fuss of her. While pregnant, I arranged for lovely gifts to be sent to her that would arrive just before she travelled abroad. On the morning of the wedding, I sent messages wishing her well and sending lots of love.

Personally I would not have expected any of that from a guest that could not come to my wedding. If someone declines then that is OK- I don't expect them to somehow make up for not being able to come- as an adult I understand that other people have lives and that my wedding is not their priority. Even best friends!

I would also have been fine with collecting the wedding present from someone who has just had a baby.

As for the texting messages, I am so glad I got married before texting was a thing. I would have so many more things to do on my wedding day than check my phone!

Qwerty543 · 14/03/2020 09:59

Everyone is piling on. Usual MB bullshit by nitpicking and pulling OP apart.

YANBU. It's quite clear that you didn't send the present because you were trying to arrange seeing her. I wouldn't post it if attempts to meet were ignored. Also the bullshit about constantly texting on her wedding day....🤣🤣. Yes, I'm sure bride would have had her phone in her hand and you could have easily ignored a new born so you could text constantly.

Qwerty543 · 14/03/2020 09:59

MN bullshit not MB

Dieu · 14/03/2020 10:02

Sorry OP, but I expect we'd hear a different version of events if we asked the friend in question.

LandOfAThousandJumpers · 14/03/2020 10:37

@Qwerty543 totally agree. There’s one poster on this thread that is being particularly, bafflingly aggressive. Apparently on her day off from vice squad.

OP it’s weird your friend is being so off with you. I would not expect a friend with a newborn to travel abroad to my wedding and I wouldn’t throw a strop because of it. We’re all adults with our own lives.

I would send a message asking what I had done to upset her. I would say that I’d been really baffled by it all and if I’d done something to upset her please let me know. I wouldn’t pre-empt the reason as she might take that as you ‘knowing full well’. Maybe write a letter and post with the present explaining that you bought it before the wedding and had been hoping to see her to give it to her. Nothing super dramatic but just open.

I have the feeling that if you had a heart to heart at some point you would discover it was all a misunderstanding based on oversensitivity daft strops and hurt feelings.

If she doesn’t respond you’ve done your bit and can move on knowing you did your best to be a decent friend.

Kastanien · 14/03/2020 11:55

Sorry OP, but I expect we'd hear a different version of events if we asked the friend in question

Same as for 99% of posts on MN.

JudyCoolibar · 14/03/2020 18:22

Sorry OP, but I expect we'd hear a different version of events if we asked the friend in question.

And? It can't change the basic issues around OP being unable to go to the wedding due to the baby, and friend somehow being offended by this.

OhCaptain · 14/03/2020 18:43

I'm not so sure that's what friend is offended by. OP is being weirdly vague about timings. It's possible that that's because it paints her in a worse light.

LandOfAThousandJumpers · 14/03/2020 20:29

@OhCaptain

How is she being vague? She said her due date was a couple of days before the wedding, and in the event she gave birth a couple of weeks before.

msflibble · 14/03/2020 20:29

@Qwerty543 is bang on. I find the MN habit of crucifying the OP totally baffling personally. Can't we just discuss things in good faith and accept people are generally truthful? Anonymous accounts have no huge incentive to spin complex yarns.

I had a wedding abroad and wasn't the least bit upset with people who couldn't make it, even though several of my best friends had to miss it. We didn't expect gifts from guests at all, seems a bit entitled to expect them from non-guests. I've missed plenty of weddings of very dear friends and nobody has been like this.

I also missed BIL's wedding due to the passport issue, it took 3 weeks for the passport to be processed and sent even though I asked for special dispensation and called them every day to ask if it could be done sooner. You'd have missed it anyway, OP. Not your fault.

Also - wants to travel with a new baby and barely healed stitches in their vagina? No fucking thanks.

Your friend is BVVU. It is hurtful, yes. People do have weird ways of reacting to stuff like this though. I'm sad for you that you lost a friend over something so petty but also it sounds like maybe she wasn't such an awesome person to have in your life after all.

Sending

OhCaptain · 14/03/2020 20:31

@LandOfAThousandJumpers I meant the timing after the wedding with the debacle around the gift etc.

svenwhen · 14/03/2020 20:31

Ghosting is a terrible way to end a friendship. It happened to me,a very close friend,knew her since we were children. When she ghosted me for no apparent reason I felt like I was going through a breakup, my heart broke. It's awful OP, sorry you went through it

Darbs76 · 14/03/2020 20:35

I’d message her and just say outright that I thought we were friends but you aren’t responding to my requests, if I’ve offended you I’m sorry but I couldn’t travel so soon after giving birth. If she’s upset she hasn’t had her gift yet she’s very shallow. One of my best childhood friends organised her wedding for same day as my due date. I told her I couldn’t attend as it was 250 miles away. My son was a page boy. Ds2 was born 2wks early and she did ask if I could attend but it was too far to travel with a 2wk old. She didn’t mind. I cried all day (post baby hormones) the day of the wedding. I was so sad to miss it. But I didn’t expect her to arrange it to suit me and she also didn’t expect me to attend with a newborn or pregnant with it being a 5hr journey away. We are still good friends. But nothing would change that with my school friends. Your friend sounds shallow. Lay it on the table and see if you can thrash it out. If not you’ll have to let it go

LandOfAThousandJumpers · 14/03/2020 20:36

@msflibble

It’s a well trodden path isn’t it, have seen so many other threads where they start supportive then at some point turn against the OP over trivial stuff and become unpleasant and aggressive. I’ve found some of the impatient, angry-sounding responses on this thread super weird.

Kastanien · 14/03/2020 21:02

I meant the timing after the wedding with the debacle around the gift etc.

I don't see there was a debacle with the gift. The friend was lucky that the OP got her one at all. There is no obligation to give a friend a present if you can't attend their wedding. Anyone that ghosts a friend because of that is being totally unreasonable.

OhCaptain · 14/03/2020 21:57

It might not be because of that! That’s why I was asking about the timing. Trying to figure it out along with OP, I suppose.

Sparklynails7 · 14/03/2020 22:47

Most of these comments are so weird! I wouldn't expect a friend that gave birth 2 weeks ago to fly to my wedding in a different country. I certainly wouldn't want to get on an aeroplane with a newborn after the recent trauma of childbirth. Quite a bit of money involved too. It's selfish if you make someone do this.

Also r.e gift... If your friend is so bothered about not receiving her gift yet then she's so materialistic. It's horrible that you arranged to meet and she bailed out. Did you invite her to meet your new baby? Did you try to meet up after the wedding on more than one occasion?

angelfacecuti75 · 15/03/2020 00:20

Just cut your losses op* she sounds as if she was hurt by the lack of you going to her wedding and could not understand why you could not go. You were having a baby . If she were a 'good' friend she would have at least tried to understand why . You can't fly usually (or they don't recommend it!) when you are that pregnant. Chin up girly.

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