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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like this was a very mean thing to do?

119 replies

hibbledobble · 13/03/2020 14:09

A very close friend planned her wedding abroad. My baby was due at a similar time to the wedding, so I politely declined the invite, as I wasn't sure if I would be able to arrange a passport in time, or feel comfortable travelling abroad with a tiny baby. I bought her a wedding present which I was due to give her when I next saw her.

We had been very close: she had even been there for my prior child's birth.

After my baby was born I tried many times to call her and message her to arrange a meet up. She agreed once, then didn't turn up. Other times she mostly didn't respond.

This goes on for months. Eventually I sent a message saying it was clear that she didn't want to be in touch, so I wouldn't contact her anymore. I got a vague reply to this months later about 'being difficult to understand'.

Aibu to think ghosting someone like this is very mean? I would have described her as my best friend. If I had done something wrong, I wish she had at least told me, or at the minimum have said she no longer wished to be friends and I would have stopped contacting her.

I do wonder if I offended her by not coming to the wedding, but I would have thought that people realise that if they schedule weddings abroad that not everyone is able to come.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 13/03/2020 15:26

Good point...did she actually congratulate you on the birth of your baby? Because I would be unimpressed by someone dumping on me for not going to a wedding (which is an invitation not a summons) and took it this far

LittleRootie · 13/03/2020 15:28

you have your child, so its not as if you have an empty life

Hardly the point. This was a very close friend, present at the birth of OP's child, so the treatment must be very hurtful.

But since she was such a close friend I think she must have felt very hurt by you not attending her wedding. You mention the passport issue first - that sounds a bit weak, not travelling with a tiny baby is much easier to understand.

Original poster
hibbledobble · 13/03/2020 15:35

My baby was due within days of her wedding, so I didn't know if it would have been possible to even get a passport: you need to book an appointment for a birth certificate first, then find a reference, get photos signed, then apply. First applications, even expedited, aren't quick. It just didn't seem manageable. That and I couldn't predict what my birth would be like, and how fit me and baby would be to travel. Surely understandable?

The last time I saw her was before the wedding at her hen do. Everything was lovely and very pleasant. I was pregnant so not drinking and remember.

I might have received a text congratulating me, but nothing more. I would have liked to see her and shown her the new baby, obviously.

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 13/03/2020 15:43

It's not just whether you'd have got a passport, but also you'd have needed to have been signed off fit to fly.

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 13/03/2020 15:49

How close was the birth to the wedding? Her response seems odd but perhaps it would make more sense if we knew how old your baby was when the wedding took place or if you were still pregnant for the wedding.

LittleRootie · 13/03/2020 16:02

I see what you mean about the passport, yes it's perfectly understandable so makes her reaction very hard to fathom.

Topseyt · 13/03/2020 16:08

She doesn't sound like a good friend. You were due to give birth within days of her wedding and you also have another young child. She is being very self-centred, and an arse.

You actually probably wouldn't have been able to fly at that stage of pregnancy.

Take the present and leave it on her doorstep with a note saying that you wish her well and are sorry that she is unable to comprehend why your circumstances made it impossible for you to attend.

UserV · 13/03/2020 16:29

@hibbledobble

I might have received a text congratulating me, but nothing more. I would have liked to see her and shown her the new baby, obviously.

Well did you receive a text or not?

You can't MIGHT HAVE received it.

YANBU though. From what you say, your friend is in the wrong. I would not be planning to go to anyone's wedding when my baby was due either. Even if I already HAD a passport, (which I do.)

As a pp said though, if it was MY best friend, I would have been round to see her to speak to her and sort this all out.

Can you go see her?

ManlyMenAreWe · 13/03/2020 16:38

Ghosting is absolutely vile imo.
Anyone thinking of it - don't. A brief message is better than people wondering if you got their text/if something's happened to you.

OP your friend is being an arsehole.

Gemma2019 · 13/03/2020 16:42

You're being evasive - yes we understand the passport situation and the reasons why you couldn't go to the wedding and understand that the due date was within days of the wedding. But when was your baby actually born and did you make a fuss of your friend before she went away to get married? Why didn't you give her present beforehand, and if she was your best friend why weren't you texting throughout and on the wedding day? You can't just say you're not going and wash your hands of the whole thing if it's a good friend.

Toogramtogiveadamn · 13/03/2020 16:42

If one of my friends took the huff because I didn’t travel to their overseas wedding or send the gift then they’d be doing me a favour by ghosting me.

JudyCoolibar · 13/03/2020 16:52

If she was your best friend why weren't you texting throughout and on the wedding day

What? Texting someone all through their wedding day when, um, they have other things on their mind would be batshit. And it's surely not a realistic requirement when you've got a very new baby.

JKScot4 · 13/03/2020 16:57

Another bridezilla who can’t see beyond her wedding, throwing away a good friendship is childish and nasty. Arranging to meet and not turning up and ignoring calls is pathetic.
Leave her be.

Ellisandra · 13/03/2020 17:08

You are arranged to meet and she didn’t turn up? Like, you actually went somewhere and we’re stood up, or she was supposed to come to you in a more casual arrangement and didn’t make it? What did she say when she let you down then?

justasking111 · 13/03/2020 17:09

There are women who cannot comprehend that a baby trumps everything until they become mothers themselves.

Coyoacan · 13/03/2020 17:12

I'm so sorry, OP. It is very hard to lose a friend. When that has happened to me I tend to obsess and then I realise that I should put my efforts into the people who do actually appreciate me.

MrsHusky · 13/03/2020 17:19

I had a friend do the same thing.

My DS was born 4 days before her wedding. I wasn't invited. She remained kind of in touch until I went to visit her and she showed me the wedding photos, then ghosted me.

Honestly, its nothing you did, fuck her, forget about it.

dottiedodah · 13/03/2020 17:21

Above PP is right .Just post her present to her .See what happens .I think you have done all you can really .It sounds like shes pissed off you couldnt come to her wedding ,but you have a baby and couldnt make it .Just how it goes really ! If you hear nothing back ,then I would leave it .Its amazing how people choose to marry abroad and expect everyone to turn up like they were getting married at the Village Church!

Isthistrueor · 13/03/2020 17:32

She was pissed off because you couldn’t attend her wedding, it’s as simple as that really. She’s obviously BU, if you have a wedding abroad you have to expect some people won’t be able to attend. She shouldn’t have cut you off for it but at least you know she’s not a true friend now so you can move on.

ConkerGame · 13/03/2020 18:03

I think there’s a current crop of former brides, now mothers, who are reaping what they have sown. The first crop to get married in a group make sure that a huge fuss is made of their wedding - bridesmaids give up a lot of time and effort to organise an amazing hen, help with decorations and other plans, sometimes whilst fretting about their own singlehood and wondering whether they will ever meet “the one” like their friends have.

Then a couple of years down the line, the first lot of brides are having children and suddenly weddings are “not important” anymore and just a “party with a silly, fancy white dress”, don’t you know BABIES are what’s important now and they trump everything else. Meanwhile the group of girls who were bridesmaids for the first crop have now met someone and are planning their own weddings, but their mum friends aren’t interested in helping them or repaying the time and effort spent on their own weddings. And then the mum friends wonder why their former bridesmaids are pissed off!

Not that mothers shouldn’t be focussed on their baby! But they need to remember what a big fuss everyone made of them for their wedding and also should realise (too late now, unfortunately) that they shouldn’t have expected so much from their single friends if they weren’t willing to pay back the favour later on.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 13/03/2020 18:04

OP, I say move on. This best friend really wasn’t your best friend. She sounds like she hasn’t figured out having a baby and then attending a destination wedding immediately after are incompatible. I would say move on from Miss Princess. I’m assuming she hasn’t congratulated you on your new arrival so you’d be just as entitled to be annoyed with her.

Move on. Make new friends and relegate her to the pile called history.

PeterPanGoesWrong · 13/03/2020 18:14

Honestly I couldn’t be bothered with this sort of petty drama. She’s upset because your life was more important to you then her life,let her get on with it. Block her, move on and find better, shinier friends who don’t get upset with you for having a baby. She sounds like hard work anyway.
Congratulations on your new baby Flowers just ignore your snotty ‘friend’.

Bahhhhhumbug · 13/03/2020 18:37

Did she invite you and baby? Appreciate you couldn't go without baby a few days after birth really but maybe she just didn't 'get' this and thought a new cutesy baby make take all the limelight off her on her special day. Also might be annoyed you hadn't even sorted a passport for yourself yet in case it turned out baby came weeks early or whatever and took it that you cba'd with her wedding.

Toogramtogiveadamn · 13/03/2020 19:06

Not that mothers shouldn’t be focussed on their baby! But they need to remember what a big fuss everyone made of them for their wedding and also should realise (too late now, unfortunately) that they shouldn’t have expected so much from their single friends if they weren’t willing to pay back the favour later on.
Wow, aren’t you a treat

OhCaptain · 13/03/2020 19:15

I actually think @ConkerGame is right.

@hibbledobble why couldn’t you just post the present?

How long ago are we talking here?