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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like this was a very mean thing to do?

119 replies

hibbledobble · 13/03/2020 14:09

A very close friend planned her wedding abroad. My baby was due at a similar time to the wedding, so I politely declined the invite, as I wasn't sure if I would be able to arrange a passport in time, or feel comfortable travelling abroad with a tiny baby. I bought her a wedding present which I was due to give her when I next saw her.

We had been very close: she had even been there for my prior child's birth.

After my baby was born I tried many times to call her and message her to arrange a meet up. She agreed once, then didn't turn up. Other times she mostly didn't respond.

This goes on for months. Eventually I sent a message saying it was clear that she didn't want to be in touch, so I wouldn't contact her anymore. I got a vague reply to this months later about 'being difficult to understand'.

Aibu to think ghosting someone like this is very mean? I would have described her as my best friend. If I had done something wrong, I wish she had at least told me, or at the minimum have said she no longer wished to be friends and I would have stopped contacting her.

I do wonder if I offended her by not coming to the wedding, but I would have thought that people realise that if they schedule weddings abroad that not everyone is able to come.

OP posts:

RosieEl · 15/03/2020 08:25

It’s a horrible situation for you & I can understand you feeling hurt & upset by this - I would too.

Although she may have been upset, she didn’t voice this to you & I believe we have a responsibility to do this as adults. Some people can & some people can’t which can make situations like this really tricky. Ultimately you’ve tried to repair the friendship & she’s not taken you up on it. I would say the ball is well & truly in her court now. If you did want to try one more time you could send the present with a card saying you fully anticipated seeing her after the wedding to hear all about her day & share her happiness & you’re sad that didn’t happen. If in the future she’d like to get back in touch you’d love to hear from her but in the meantime send her so much love & wish her well.

If you think of the ball as a metaphor for this situation you can then know you’d done all you could & that ball would be with her for her to choose what she does with it.

It must be hurtful for you having had your baby so close to her wedding for all this to be happening. Of course your focus would be on your baby & rightly so. A good friend who is feeling balanced in themselves would understand that. A good friend who is overwhelmed/stressed might not, but that’s on them, not you.

Hope the situation gets better & if she comes back around & it goes back to a friendship that builds you up & makes you feel good then great. If not, then you’ve done all you can & there will be more amazing friendships for you in the future.

Luddite26 · 15/03/2020 08:36

After politely declining the wedding invite did you get involved with any of the pre wedding celebrations OP? Even heavily pregnant, an afternoon tea style hen afternoon would have been possible for you. Did you not see her before the wedding?
I wonder if she feels you blanked her wedding after she was there for you for your big life event your first baby.
I totally understand not going to weddings I didn't go to my brother's when I was pregnant in a very hot summer. I'm not criticising you. I just wondered if it was a matter of just not going to the wedding or no interest in the wedding except to buy a gift. I know what it's like being pregnant and with a little one going on different life paths to friends and bridezillas. Sometimes friendships are just done.
When I first read your post I was on your side;but on second reading I wondered if you were trying to clear your conscience a bit cos you could have made a bit of a fuss if she was such a close friend she was at your child's birth. You don't say if you did.
Either way it looks like your friendship is over and I wouldn't worry about it as you are on a different path and have your hands full.

hopeishere · 15/03/2020 08:38

What is the actual gap between your baby being born and her wedding?

MotherOfUnicorns4 · 15/03/2020 11:21

So your last contact was the hen do? Did you message her before she headed off for her wedding? Send her a message the night before/morning of? If I couldn't make the wedding of a very close friend I'd have at least sent a few messages saying I was thinking of them and hoping they have a wonderful day. I don't think this is about a lack of presents/presence, I think it's to do with the fact her very close friend didn't seem to care at all. Having a baby isn't an excuse not to send a quick text. I'd also like to know if she sent you a congratulations message regarding the birth of your baby. There's no maybe about this.....

Kastanien · 15/03/2020 12:13

What is the actual gap between your baby being born and her wedding?

Why does that even matter. The OP declined because she felt the timings were too close. It is not for her friend, or indeed a bunch of people on the internet to question her judgement on that. The OP does not have to justify her decision not to go to an overseas wedding.

Gemma2019 · 15/03/2020 12:28

As a PP just said, I really think that this is nothing to do with presence or presents - this is likely just because the friend felt overlooked and neglected around the time of the wedding.

I had a destination wedding myself, a long time ago, and very few people could attend. A good friend sent a fax to the hotel wishing us well, another sent a bottle of champagne to our room. We had cards and gifts given to us beforehand to open on the day. I didn't care less that anyone couldn't attend, but it would have been odd if I hadn't heard from my best friend between the hen night and after I returned from holiday, pregnant or not.

BossAssBitch · 15/03/2020 12:32

@alexdrg8
it may be my age, older, but i dont understand why so many women get so het up over this sort of thing

I doubt it’s your age, my mother in her seventies has many close friendships which she values immensely (and she has a v full life and happy marriage). Perhaps you have never had a best friend who means the world to you 🤷🏻‍♀️ one of my dearest best friends and I fell out in my late thirties, I was bereft. We are friends again now and all is ok in the world again (and I am very happily married with a fulfilled life and was at the time of our falling out). Friendship is very important to many people, that’s why people get ‘het up’ when relationships sour.

OP, I find it very odd that you didn’t text or call your BEST friend on her wedding day.

Gemma2019 · 15/03/2020 12:33

If the OP can try to see other points of view and work out why the friend is upset she might be able to salvage the relationship. I'm grateful that I have some close friends but none of them were ever at the births of any of my children. I would try to hold on to that sort of friendship for dear life.

Kastanien · 15/03/2020 12:35

But that does depend on the type of friendship. I would not have expected it from my best friend in the circumstances, and I would not have been texting/sending cards/presents etc to my best friend either and I know she would not have expected me too. If the OP did not do it it is because she maybe knows her own friendship the best and acted accordingly. However it seems that the friend is feeling differently, which may well be out of character or outside of the way the friendship normally works. Only OP can really say, and she seems bemused by her friends behaviour so I am guessing it it an unexpected response from her friend.

SecretsInSpitalfield · 15/03/2020 15:00

Op - you say that you sent her a message saying that it’s clear she doesn’t want to see you and you said to her ‘I won’t contact you again’ and she then sends a ‘vague’ message back that you’re ‘difficult to understand’

So what did you say back to her (or reply back to her?)

If my best friend or even just a mate sent me that message I’d ring them straight away! I’d want to know what they meant! And whether I’d done something to offend them without realising! You haven’t mentioned that you asked her what she meant by her comment..

maidenislington · 16/03/2020 06:38

You've just had another child. They've just got married. Both your lives have changed. These things happen

OwlBeThere · 16/03/2020 06:55

I’m absolutely baffled by the people who seem to think the OP did something wrong here. She had a baby, it’s not like she just couldn’t be arsed to go! And she’s hardly at fault over the gift when the friend didn’t show up to meet her after.

My best friend didn’t come to my wedding. Because at the time she was going through IVF and was massively struggling with social engagements due to her hormones etc. Did I pull a strop and never speak to her again? No. I was sad she wasn’t there because I love her, but I went to see her 2 days after and we drank wine in our pjs and laughed ourselves sick at the things that went on and reminisced about old times. Friends realise when their friends can’t manage things.
She’s a selfish cow OP. It’s sad but you deserve better friends.

SecretsInSpitalfield · 16/03/2020 07:03

@OwlBeThere - initially I’d agree but op had been very vague. Best friends who are kind enough to be present while you’re giving birth don’t tend to just ghost people without any reason.. and to be honest this best friend didn’t actually ‘ghost’ her as she’s responded to her by saying to op that she’s very ‘hard to understand’ ... Op didn’t seem to challenge her best friend about this message! Very strange ....

Gemma2019 · 16/03/2020 08:18

@OwlBeThere but would you have been upset if you hadn't heard from your best friend in between the hen night (which sounded like several weeks before the wedding) and after you had got back from honeymoon, without even a text on your wedding day?

OwlBeThere · 16/03/2020 08:20

I don’t think she’s been vague at all. Due date was in days, birth was in weeks, when possible she arranged to see her after the wedding. I think this is a classic bridezilla sulking because she’s not the most important thing in someone’s life. When my second child was born I barely got out of my PJs for 2 months. It was a huge shock to my system. Not understanding that other people have lives is childish.

OwlBeThere · 16/03/2020 08:23

@Gemma2019 not if she was heavily pregnant and then had a new baby, no. The world doesn’t revolve around me. I didn’t even have gifts Off most of my mates because I married young and we were all broke. I don’t tend to measure my friendships by what they buy me or how much of a fuss they make of my wedding.

SecretsInSpitalfield · 16/03/2020 08:41

@OwlBeThere - ops best friend said that she was ‘hard to understand’ and OP seeming just left it there .. she didn’t ask what her best friend meant?! It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to work out that there is something that’s clearly upset this friend .. why doesn’t OP ask her what is wrong? Most things that go wrong in friendships can be down to lack of communication..

OwlBeThere · 16/03/2020 13:47

@SecretsInSpitalfield...well I probably would have left it there too. Op sounds upset and confused and I don’t know what I’d say to that either!

Mary46 · 16/03/2020 15:47

Just move on op. Unfortunately some brides its all about them. Priorities change with a newborn. I tried to make amends with a friend the phone call just made it worse! Sometimes you grow apart.

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