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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like this was a very mean thing to do?

119 replies

hibbledobble · 13/03/2020 14:09

A very close friend planned her wedding abroad. My baby was due at a similar time to the wedding, so I politely declined the invite, as I wasn't sure if I would be able to arrange a passport in time, or feel comfortable travelling abroad with a tiny baby. I bought her a wedding present which I was due to give her when I next saw her.

We had been very close: she had even been there for my prior child's birth.

After my baby was born I tried many times to call her and message her to arrange a meet up. She agreed once, then didn't turn up. Other times she mostly didn't respond.

This goes on for months. Eventually I sent a message saying it was clear that she didn't want to be in touch, so I wouldn't contact her anymore. I got a vague reply to this months later about 'being difficult to understand'.

Aibu to think ghosting someone like this is very mean? I would have described her as my best friend. If I had done something wrong, I wish she had at least told me, or at the minimum have said she no longer wished to be friends and I would have stopped contacting her.

I do wonder if I offended her by not coming to the wedding, but I would have thought that people realise that if they schedule weddings abroad that not everyone is able to come.

OP posts:
Original poster
hibbledobble · 13/03/2020 19:43

Yes, my baby was invited, but going just wasn't practical (or likely even possible with passport timeline).

I think it's a bit late to post the present now sadly.

To the posters who said I should just move on: you are absolutely right, but that doesn't stop it being hurtful.

OP posts:
Gemma2019 · 13/03/2020 19:48

I really don't think she's upset that you missed her wedding! It sounds like you said you weren't going and then didn't bother much about her wedding or make a fuss of her. That would have been hurtful if she had been close enough to you to be at your child's birth.

Did you text her on her wedding day, or wish her well before she left?

Gemma2019 · 13/03/2020 19:48

Why are you ignoring all the questions asked here and just repeating the same thing?

Kastanien · 13/03/2020 19:49

You can't just say you're not going and wash your hands of the whole thing if it's a good friend.

Why not though? You should not be required to move heaven and earth to get there when you have just had a baby.

and if she was your best friend why weren't you texting throughout and on the wedding day? Utter Madness, I expect the bride was too busy getting married to be constantly checking her phone for texts anyway.

OP it is shit but she has got pissed off because you declined her invitation and actually prioritized your own life. Just forget about her and concentrate on your family.

Gemma2019 · 13/03/2020 19:53

The OP refuses to say if her baby was born before or after the wedding though.

And when I said texting throughout, I meant throughout the period leading up to the wedding and the holiday, and after they got back. And a text on the day wishing her well, not loads of texts. It's apparently her best friend so it's hardly excessive!

Gemma2019 · 13/03/2020 19:56

Nobody, even the bride, would have expected OP to be at the wedding, but she would probably have hoped to share the excitement leading up to the wedding. It sounds like the OP didn't do that, especially as she still has the gift. I would have given it before the wedding.

ConstanceSalinger · 13/03/2020 19:59

How long ago did this happen?

Last month? You might be able to rescue the friendship.

Last year? Focus on your new baby and all the new friends you will meet

More than 10 years ago? If you're still stewing on it now I'm not surprised she was happy to drop you.

whiplashy · 13/03/2020 20:07

How long between the baby and the wedding though?

WestCountryLady · 13/03/2020 20:10

After my baby was born I tried many times to call her and message her to arrange a meet up. She agreed once, then didn't turn up.*

She just left you waiting for her?
This was far worse than anything you did.
I wouldn't be wasting a single thought on her after that, that's rude!

Kastanien · 13/03/2020 20:11

Nobody, even the bride, would have expected OP to be at the wedding, but she would probably have hoped to share the excitement leading up to the wedding.

But you don't know that, it could be entirely possible that Bridezilla has got the hump because OP could not attend.
As for sharing the excitement, the OP was expecting a baby, she had her own excitement going on. Did her friend text the OP wishing her well for the birth? Did she get a present for her and the baby? Why does excitement about the wedding trump excitement about the baby? Both of them had exciting stuff going on, the friends wedding was not the most important thing in the world to OP so why should she be ghosted for not going/texting/present giving. The friend does not sound much like a friend to me!

Original poster
hibbledobble · 13/03/2020 20:13

I already said, the wedding was within a couple of weeks after my baby was born. I didn't text her throughout the day as I thought she would be busy, you know, getting married. I went to her hen do and of course wished her well.

OP posts:
StegosaurusRex · 13/03/2020 20:17

You said it was within days, not weeks. Obviously, she would have been busy on the day, but even if she didn't read the message until the following day, it would be enough to show you cared

AngstyAnnie · 13/03/2020 20:18

If she was happy with you at the hen and you all had a nice time I don't understand why she would suddenly be pissed off? I assume she knew at the hen you wouldn't be attending the wedding? Or did she think you would possibly be going?

Were you supposed to be bridesmaid or something? It's not nice to be ghosted OP but I feel there's possibly more to this you haven't mentioned?

Gemma2019 · 13/03/2020 20:25

It's a shame the friendship ended but there must be more to it and I think perhaps you are remembering the situation selectively. It sounds like it was probably years ago? Time to stop dwelling on it now.

DisappearingGirl · 13/03/2020 20:27

they shouldn’t have expected so much from their single friends if they weren’t willing to pay back the favour later on

It wasn't that OP wasn't willing to go! She had a tiny newborn with no passport!

OhCaptain · 13/03/2020 20:43

Right but how soon after the wedding did you get in touch?

I don’t understand why you didn’t post the present if you hadn’t met within a few days of her being home. That’s pretty bad, I think. And I’m sure that was more hurtful to your friend because it must have seemed as though you didn’t give a shit!

Original poster
hibbledobble · 13/03/2020 23:05

It seems pretty weird that people are piling on about not posting the present within days. I didn't because I was going to see her, as I already said, I also had a newborn, older child, and a lot else happening. Also to my memory, when I got married I didn't get any presents from friends who didn't come: I would have never thought of it as obligatory, or even a commonly done thing. Regardless, I had the present, and was due to see her soon after, but she didn't turn up (had arranged to come to my home, just didn't turn up without warning).

I was in touch soon after the wedding.

At the hen she knew I wasn't coming, but did ask me if I could come, and there was still space if I was able. Maybe this was it, that she was annoyed I didn't change my mind. I guess I won't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
hibbledobble · 13/03/2020 23:06

Also I was never due to be a bridesmaid. She gave me this speech about how she was sorry I wasn't going to be her bridesmaid. This was before I was pregnant.

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 13/03/2020 23:09

I couldn’t go to a friend’s wedding so I had the gift ups’d to her with a bottle of champagne and two glasses. I would never have tried to make her come to me to get her wedding present - at the very least I would have gone to her.

Original poster
hibbledobble · 13/03/2020 23:14

Did you have a newborn though? I don't live far from her work, so it wasn't a big ask.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 13/03/2020 23:45

Nobody’s piling on. Hmm

Do you have a bit of a victim mentality?

Forcing someone to come see you and your baby just to get a present is a bit cringe! Wink

No, I’m kidding. But at this point why even waste head space on it?

OwlinaTree · 13/03/2020 23:54

I think conkergame has a very good point in general, I've definitely experienced that.

I don't think it applies in this case because the wedding was abroad. You can't get married abroad and then get the hump when people don't come.

GrumpyHoonMain · 13/03/2020 23:57

Did you have a newborn though? I don't live far from her work, so it wasn't a big ask.

Yes I do. That’s why I UPS’d it to her. She loved the thoughtful touch with the champagne.

abw94 · 14/03/2020 00:01

Wow some of these comments are pathetic!

Op, YANBU. Having recently had a child and going overdue and a complicated birth I would never agree to anything weeks before or after the due date. From what you're saying I doubt she even realises the complications with pregnancy - hopefully she realises this when she comes to have children. I can't understand why she has acted like this - maybe others have got in her head?

I know it's hurtful but best to just leave her to it. I do believe friendship break ups are horrific - they know every fine detail about you, even things you wouldn't tell your husband so I get how hard it is to walk away from a friend like this.

Hopefully in time to come you will get over this but it seems like it's for the best, you and your children don't need someone like that in your life.

JudyCoolibar · 14/03/2020 00:07

Nobody’s piling on

They really are, you know. Look at the idiots blaming OP for not giving friend the present sooner when she made several attempts to do precisely that.

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