What’s wrong with me

[Ihatemychild]

I have 2 DDs

I really feel like I hate my eldest (6)

No idea why. She irritates me all the time, annoys me, I have absolutely no patience with her. I find her weird, have nothing in common, she’s the complete opposite of me.

She doesn’t listen at all, yet she is very bright, has lots of friends and an extremely kind nature.

Tonight I lost it, she’s sharing a room with her sister for now and she keeps her up, i spoke to her before bed and I asked her to please go straight to sleep, I’m not well, DH is out, her sister is tired and I need her just to go to bed and go to sleep. I asked her not to go into her sisters bed, no talking tonight and just basically go to sleep. For 2 hours now she hasn’t fucking shut up, I’ve been up and down, shouted and warned it doesn’t matter. Came up to go to bed myself and she’s still talking and now she’s in her sisters bed.

I lost it and grabbed her out and put her in the spare room which has nothing in it atm. I shut the door and actually considered leaving her in there all night but know how cruel that sounds. Her sister was asleep within minutes so I went and got DD from the bedroom and told her to get into her bed and face the wall and go to sleep.

I want to smack her but I don’t.

She’s my first born, if anything was to happen to her I would die myself but I still can’t get rid of this feeling towards her. I don’t feel like that towards her sister.
I’m not depressed, I have a good life, a good husband and generally happy. I’d say she is a well behaved child but I just don’t “get” her.

I don’t know why I’m posting, a cry for help, maybe hoping someone else has felt the same and came out the other side. I don’t know.

Oh, OP. Your poor, poor little girl.

I'm not going to 'bash' you, but this is a very young child, your child, who is being hurt by this, now. I feel terribly, terribly sorry for her.

It is your responsibility to sort this out. I'm not saying it won't be hard, I'm not saying it isn't hard for you now. I have sympathy with you. But you must, must sort this out. There are some great posts on here, including from Lilyamna above. Make it an absolute priority to sort therapy for yourself, whatever it takes. And in the meantime, do all you can to think of your wonderful child with love and appreciation for the individual she is.

I’ve taken everything on bored I really have.

*board

Lilyanna thank you for being our rock 🙂💐

Please listen to her, OP.

Helpasisterout I hope it's not a common feeling 😔

I love my children talking. I particularly love the reflections and observations of little children as they grow up, of what they want to tell us, of how proud they are to show their growing awareness.

Isn't talking good? Do we want to go back to seen and not heard?

I know we all get exhausted and worn didn't sometimes. But developing an irritation expressed as hatred towards a young child is more than that and it needs professional help ASAP.

Please go to a therapist, OP. It's not fair fir your daughter to be in this situation. Think back to your childhood. When you were six. You need to find the empathy, love and pity. Pity fir your little girl, with her face to the wall, silent as no doubt felt she was narrowly avoiding a smack. I guess you only shut her up by saying that's what she'd get.

It's very good you've come here for help. Answer: no, it's not ok. Yes, please sort it.

• down not didn't

and those bloody firs instead of fors again!

(My fingers must be winky from so much screen-tapping ...)

But you already knew it wasn't normal to feel this way. You have taken it on board, so what do you plan to do?

I'm not going to bash you at all OP, and I'm not a mother but I do have one who from as far back as I can recall, has never ever liked me.

I'm one of three (middle child syndrome does exist! 😂) and I've always felt different from my siblings. My mum has never hidden the fact that she resents that I just do things differently, in all areas of life, and if she has tried to hide it she's failed miserably. Instead of embracing it all I heard growing up was 'your sister doesn't do that' 'your brother wouldn't do that'.

I'm sure she loves me though she's never said it, she has and would give me money if I needed it etc but she doesn't like me and I don't like her and I'm 38 now and it's blighted my life. I really wish I was born with a different mum. She adores the ground my younger sibling walks on. I try and go NC but always end up back in some contact or another, probably because deep down I still want and need her acceptance. I should really get therapy.

Please try and see past these irritations and embrace the positive points you've listed about your DD. It really will affect her in after life.

I feel very similarly about my eldest who is 5. I had a bad birth followed by post partum psychosis, never bonded with him at all, just went through the motions. He drives me up the wall a lot of the time. I tried to leave him in NICU and I'm torn between the guilt from that and wishing they had let me.

I have had therapy and was diagnosed with attachment issues myself (my childhood was "interesting" and I don't think either of my parents loved me) along with ptsd from a previous trauma which I then relived during his arrival. I didn't find it particularly helpful though. There really isn't much support. I managed to get 18 months of psychotherapy on the NHS and six months of cbt but that was a real struggle. The health visitor has been absolutely useless.

What has helped a bit is routine. I know you say you haven't read stories for a while but I think it's worth it. My two share a room because they both hate sleeping alone so we all get into ds's bed and snuggle. We read Each Peach Pear Plum every night and then they can both pick another 2 books. Some nights I really don't feel like it but it makes a huge difference in getting them to settle.

Do you have any activities you just do with them? We have started doing the couch to 5k just us and whilst he can still talk and run...it seems less annoying than when I'm trying to concentrate on something else. He's also learning French and I've found I can deal with that a lot easier. I thought if we get cooped up together due to coronavirus, I might start doing duolingo with him.

*later life.

Dinosaur I mentioned routine and I find it is key - not just for getting them to sleep (they get conditioned if you do it enough - one page and they're asleep!) but also for ones own sanity. It's also a routine for us adults. To make us also feel secure.

I was your DD1, OP. Never fucking shut up from the moment I woke up till the moment I finally fell asleep. I was an only until I was 10, but if I'd had a sibling, I'd have talked them half to death, too.

I swear that this is why my mother taught me to read early. She'd ration my books, and only let me have one to read if I promised to stay quiet. Sixty years on, I still have to read before I can go to sleep.

I also wouldn't rule out depression. I have had episodes of depression all my adult life, and when I'm depressed, I'm much more likely to fly off the handle.

OP. It sounds like life is overwhelming at the moment. And patience runs wafer thin. I think if us parents of more than one are honest, we often put higher ecpectations on our eldest and that sometimes translates as blaming them. You mentioned youre ill. You mentioned things are different on holiday. It sounds luke you just feel overwhelmed and i know that feeling and how we can take it out on the wrong person sometimes. Not suggesting anything negative about your OH, but do you feel you carry most of the load in day to day life? Can you fet more help? This might make a big difference and the short fuuse melts away? You might find that you start to see the things that irritate you do an about turn. Be kind to yourself. And dont escalate this by negative thoughts about yourself. My youngest is also polar opposite to me. And i have learned to love the difference. I also got rid of lots of stressed in my life and it transformed my parenting.

Not quite the same but I'm a childminder and I can't stand one of the children. The sight of her makes my blood pressure rise. She's only 3 but my god she's a sneaky sly manipulative little madam. I've never felt so irritated by a child before!!

Fucking hell.

Please go to a therapist, OP. It's not fair fir your daughter to be in this situation. Think back to your childhood. When you were six. You need to find the empathy, love and pity. Pity fir your little girl, with her face to the wall, silent as no doubt felt she was narrowly avoiding a smack. I guess you only shut her up by saying that's what she'd get

THIS. Please take this advice.

I had a mother who didn't like me very much and showed it daily. I was a bright, chatty and precocious child. She hated that about me. She also hated that my father loved me to bits.

After years of self doubt, low self esteem, self harm and eventually several spells in psych wards I am looking after myself.
I have been in therapy for many years and still struggle to make any sort of relationshp with her. I do not forgive her. I cannot.

Six is really young op and I think the usual race to the bottom is happening on this threads. You were wrong to behave as you did and you know that. You are right that you probably will damage your child by behaving like that. She must have been terrified to have been grabbed and shoved into an empty room and left there. You know that too.
Parenting is bloody hard. It's relentless and exhausting. No one would ever deny that but ultimately we are the adults. It's our job to keep calm and act in an appropriate way.

OP Firstly well done for posting honestly about how you’re feeling, you’re asking for help and that is the right thing to do.
Depression isn’t always what we think it is, and we can often think everything else in life is fine so it’s surely not depression.
I sought help for depression when I didn’t think I had it, I’d just had enough and could not stop snapping at my kids, feeling exhausted all of the time etc. Seeing my GP really did help.
I also really struggled with my firstborn when she was about 6. Very strong willed, independent, bright etc. We clashed a lot for a while. Talking about it with my mum helped a lot. And focusing on the positive things me and my Dd could do together benefited us both. She’s nearly 20 years old now and we are so close. I think it was partly the phase of her age, 6 year olds are something else! And both of us growing emotionally, it’s a journey for parents as well as children.
Good luck, seeking help is the first step, by doing that it’s obvious you love your children and are trying to do the right thing by you all, but you have to take care of you too!

Hi OP.

First of all I want to tell you how much of a relief it was to read your post, and @AngstyAnnie's reply. Because for a long time I felt like this towards my eldest (I have two boys) and I thought I was the only one.

Loving my youngest came easily and naturally. And this made me feel so guilty for how much harder it was to feel that way about my eldest. My youngest is generally an easier child, though my eldest was the easier baby. It's like DS1 started walking and everything changed. Suddenly he'd discovered how to be spirited.

My two used to share a bedroom too. They were separated permanently the night I found DS2 (then aged 3) in DS1 (aged 5) bed with DS1 attempting to smother him. Even now, (they're 8 and 6) if we go on holiday and stay in a 2 bed, one has to start the night in our bed. It's not worth the grief to put them together

When DS1 was 7 he went through a particularly tricky phase, particularly at bedtime. He would make obnoxious noises, shout, sing and do everything to get a reaction from me. He targeted me as it was far worse when DH wasn't home. I physically hauled him from his room several times to put him in time out. He didn't give a shit about time out either. I could feel myself losing control. I eventually went to the doctor and he put me on ADs as I just wasn't coping. They chilled me out and the behaviour stopped because he stopped getting the negative feedback that he was seeking. I spent two months on the ADs and it was enough for me to find an equalibrium.

You are not alone. My advice is to keep removing yourself from the situation if you feel yourself losing control, and ask for help from anyone you can in real life. I was honest with my next door neighbours about what had been happening. It was a mortifying conversation, but we live in a terrace and they will have regularly heard me lose my shit. One night DS1 was at it again, and DH was out. I was shouting and crying and getting nowhere. Suddenly the doorbell went. It was my next door neighbour (in her sixties, own children raised and gone). She sent me into the kitchen and marched straight up to DSs room. I had some very stern murmerings from her, muted replies from him and then she came down, gave me a hug and went home. I didn't hear a peep from him again that night. Help comes from the most unexpected places. The school were also fantastic when I broke down in front of them and played them the recordings I'd made of DS1 deliberately antagonising. DS was mortified that his teachers knew.

Now I make an extra effort to spend time with just him and give him cuddles. He doesn't seem them out like DS2 does, but he still loves them. That, consistent sanctions and the fact that he seemed to turn a corner too, keep us rubbing along much better these days.

Also, what's your age gap? Could you put DD2 to bed 15 minutes earlier on the pretence that DD1 needs to do something (spellings maybe). Give DD2 time to fall asleep.

My DS would have spent the night in the shed if he had behaved like that and he darned well knew it and would not dare to test me. We were hard bitches us mums in the 70's and 80's. I think they know they can get away with it now.

He'd have got a good smack as well.

This is the issue though @madcatladyforever

I was born in the early 80s and wouldn't have dared act out like that for fear of a smack. This is no longer acceptable (and rightly so), so we are the first generation of parents that are trying to figure out how to discipline our children with fear.

It's not especially helpful to the OP to say that your DS would have spent the night in the shed (and do you really think that that acceptable behaviour from you?). She's looking for support and realistic suggestions if how to tackle this issue.

🤔 Nice bit of child abuse there.

@madcatladyforever And thankfully most of us mothers now aren’t “hard bitches”
I wonder would put an adult in the shed if they were annoying you and not doing as they were told? Would you also smack an adult? Why is it children are fair game to people like you?
Honestly the race to the bottom on this thread 🙄

It is a shocking thread. Sad and shocking.