What’s wrong with me

[Ihatemychild]

I have 2 DDs

I really feel like I hate my eldest (6)

No idea why. She irritates me all the time, annoys me, I have absolutely no patience with her. I find her weird, have nothing in common, she’s the complete opposite of me.

She doesn’t listen at all, yet she is very bright, has lots of friends and an extremely kind nature.

Tonight I lost it, she’s sharing a room with her sister for now and she keeps her up, i spoke to her before bed and I asked her to please go straight to sleep, I’m not well, DH is out, her sister is tired and I need her just to go to bed and go to sleep. I asked her not to go into her sisters bed, no talking tonight and just basically go to sleep. For 2 hours now she hasn’t fucking shut up, I’ve been up and down, shouted and warned it doesn’t matter. Came up to go to bed myself and she’s still talking and now she’s in her sisters bed.

I lost it and grabbed her out and put her in the spare room which has nothing in it atm. I shut the door and actually considered leaving her in there all night but know how cruel that sounds. Her sister was asleep within minutes so I went and got DD from the bedroom and told her to get into her bed and face the wall and go to sleep.

I want to smack her but I don’t.

She’s my first born, if anything was to happen to her I would die myself but I still can’t get rid of this feeling towards her. I don’t feel like that towards her sister.
I’m not depressed, I have a good life, a good husband and generally happy. I’d say she is a well behaved child but I just don’t “get” her.

I don’t know why I’m posting, a cry for help, maybe hoping someone else has felt the same and came out the other side. I don’t know.

I agree with Okpedro. She would definitely have been scared in a dark room, not knowing when she would be allowed out.

@OkPedro yes I’ve taken note and I think I will go.

Weird wasn’t the right word looking back, hear of the moment. I suppose I mean opposite of the way I act and do things. Weird wasn’t the right word.

**heat of the moment

OK, but surely as her mother, you should find ways around that. Find ways to engage with her. I'm sure you know a lot of people who are the opposite to you, why does it irritate you that she does things differently?

I don’t know. I really don’t.

My eldest DD is 13 and when I'm honest with myself, we never got on. She was mean, sharp tongued, dismissive and disinterested in me. I love her, but I don't think I liked her very much.

She's just like my big sister through and through.

My other two kids however are totally different. We got on like a house on fire. Cuddles, laughs, joy and loving all day long.

But don't lose hope OP.

When DD hit age 11 or 12 we bonded over something. Something quite small. I read her the Harry Potter books. Every single day, sometimes for hours. It was a big change because our house doesn't really do bedtime stories (eldest wasn't interested in being near me so telling her a story at night would have been met with eye rolls). When that was over we watched the HP movies. Then it was tv box sets of things I loved like Grimm, Once Upon a Time or Buffy and Angel.
From there she suddenly started talking to me. She'd sit beside me. She now texts me from school just to tell me the latest gossip. Offers me a cuppa, actually gives a shit about me and my feelings.

Be patient OP. Your DD sounds like hard work sometimes but things can and do change.

I’m wondering if this maybe a case of unresolved PTSD, in relation to the birth etc and the negative thoughts around this have been projected onto your dd without you realising, in which case an appointment with your gp (as others have suggested) would be a good (but uncomfortable) place to start. My 6 year old dd does everything your’s does and whilst at times it irritates the life out of me I’ve never felt anything like you’ve described which makes me think something else is at play.

Hate is such an awful word.

Your post is so sad op.

If you really feel this way towards your child, then you need to ask for help. It’s not her fault. She must be feeling these vibes from you, and it would be very hard for her to cope with. This is probably why she is behaving like this?

Go to your gp and ask for advice. You owe it to your daughter, and yourself 💐

I actually phoned the docs for something else OP, I had been feeling so tense, so on edge that every little thing my kids were doing was winding me up, I thought hormones. Thought I was pre menopausal or something, I argued with my OH over something trivial so phoned the docs to ask for a hormone check. Started crying on the phone to him and he was so lovely, I guess he heard something else in what I was saying and suggested depression and anxiety.
He did the hormone test, blood tests and they came back all in normal ranges. So then he suggested medication for depression and having looked at all my symptoms (which I would never have looked at before because as I said, everything was going fine), I agreed to try them. I just feel relief now.

I mean just get a therapist
Like NOW
first thing tomorrow morning
Ring one and go ASAP

Because it’s ok for others to say it’s normal.
But my mum was you. And it FUCKED ME UP
Even though she tried to like me

I am SO impressed you made it to 2 hours. I would have lost my rag after 20 minutes and removed her from the situation.

Ok, so she's kind,
Weird (to you)
the opposite of you
Keeps her sister awake.
There's a new bedroom coming but not yet.

Perhaps tomorrow, start the bath routine earlier, even if it means the girl's dinner is 30 min earlier.

Tell the girls to choose a story each for when they are in their PJs.
DD2 gets her story in her bed whilst DD1 waits in your bed for you.
DD2 gets kissed goodnight and left to fall asleep whilst you go next door and read DD1's story then she goes to bed with a sleeping sister. Worth a try?

She's weird? Ok. In what way?

Mumsnet at its best, this thread. What a bloody lovely lot on the whole

OP I can't help you but I want you to know I really, really thank you for posting this. And to all the posters who were kind, thank you too. I needed to see this and I'm so glad I did.

I admire anyone with the balls to be truly honest about somthing like this.
The mind can be a very strange, messed up place.

OP has repeatedly said she takes the blame here and understands her child has done nothing wrong.
She has also been very open to any suggestions and very honest.

I wish you (and anyone else feeling the same) the best of luck in fixing these issues.
Too many parents do nothing about bad family situations and ultimately do mess up their children's lives.
OP know exactly what she needs to do now.

I think that you definately love her. Thats very clear. Otherwise you wouldnt feel upset about your reaction to her. But she is annoying. Because 6 year chaaty ones just are. My eldest wont dhut up or stop interrupting. It drives me mad
But i think you might be confusing not liking/ being irritated with hating her. Kids are annoying. My eldest wont shut up either and i often loose my rag. And hate myself afterwards. But usually, i can trace it to other stresses and being overwhelmed by life. She isnt a fully formed person by any stretch. I think you should not be too hard on yourself.

@aroundtheworldyet yeah my mum was like that too and it took us until I was mid 30s for her to be remotely pleasant to me. It was horrible growing up with my mum losing the rag because I wasn’t the person she wanted me to be and it really affected my life negatively even although I knew she loved me.

OP you need to deal with your feelings about her now before you Fuck her up. You owe it to her.

Ok, so I am not going to call you a shitty parent.... we all have been there where we know we could have handled things better. I have a child with ADHD so I know more shitty parenting moments than I would care to think about.

BUT

If you know that for whatever reason she cannot get to sleep with your other child in the room you are setting both her and yourself up for failure if you continue to expect her to do so.

Set her up for success, either stagger their bedtimes or let one of them fall asleep in your room then transfer them.

It sound like you and your daughter could both do with some more positive times together, as they adult you are the one for organising that. Notice the good things she does and tell her how great they were, specifically tell her what it was you were pleased about. If there is nothing then set her up for something positive then praise her.

The more positive interacts she gets the more positively she will behave and vice versa.

**as the adult, not as they adult sorry.

I believe you need to see a doctor and/or counsellor.

My mum was like this with my brother when we were growing up and she was diagnosed with depression.
However, it may not be depression with you, it could be any number of things. Seeking help would be a step in the right direction for sure.

Kids can be very hard work no denying that. What exactly do you find so irritating? Apart from the incessant talking and annoying her little sister , what else ?

This will be a really common feeling I am sure! My sister and I are now 30 and 25 and my mum often reminds us 'it's possible to love your children to death but totally normal not to like them very much sometimes'

Your parenting hasn’t been great tonight but the really positive thing is that you recognise that, and you know it needs to change. If you make the changes then you will not “damage” your child.

It’s not the spare room that’s damaging though, it’s the feelings that drove it- the hatred that you identified yourself- that is damaging. Children absolutely pick up on this. An action taken in anger and resentment is not the same as the identical action done through love and kindness (albeit wearied and possibly exasperated).

Just because the experience is common doesn’t make it okay. Obviously loads of posters will come on here to defend your actions because they are defending themselves as well. Well it’s not surprising that we have an epidemic of childhood mental health difficulties.
Life is hard and has been for the past decade. Poverty and austerity and social media and doom-mongering on the news (climate change, brexit, ebola, corona, you name it there is always a crisis these days) have stressed out parents. Stressed parents get tangled up in their own emotions and take it out on their children.
The opposite needs to happen: parents need to be able to understand their children’s emotions and be their child’s rock of calm and unconditional love to cling to in a rocky sea.

OP, sounds like you are taking your emotions out on your child and are being the ‘sea’, not the ‘rock’ for your child. However you have recognised it, which is more than 90% of parents in your shoes do, so there is loads you can do to turn things around and quickly. Buying the parenting book is an excellent idea and I wish you the very best of luck.

To the PPs who think all that happened here was fine, bash me all you like (I’m a child psychologist and get paid a good wage for my input irl) but a little bit of self-reflection wouldn’t go amiss.

I get what you’re saying op. My dd1 never shuts up, it is relentless. We’ll be watching a programme on tv and she’ll talk through it. Actually, Thursday night is ‘matey time’ where she stays up with me to watch tv as dh is out til late. She was well behaved tonight but last week she just would not shut up and lost her time with me. We’ll watch a factual show like Blue planet or a wildlife programme.
If we’re in a hotel room together, dd2 is put down to sleep first. Dd1 will sit with me and is told firmly not to disturb her sister and when she goes to bed should have her back to her.
Dd was worse for the talking when she was younger so it does get better.
I’m glad you’ve realised you need some help

" I will say to her why are you behaving like this her answer all the time whether she’s getting in to trouble or being asked why she is behaving like this is “I don’t know”"

Of course she doesn't know! She's 6. I have asked that question myself of my kids from time to time but I realise now that it's ridiculous. Sometimes as adults we don't understand why we behave the way we do, what chance has a 6 year old got.