What’s wrong with me

[Ihatemychild]

I have 2 DDs

I really feel like I hate my eldest (6)

No idea why. She irritates me all the time, annoys me, I have absolutely no patience with her. I find her weird, have nothing in common, she’s the complete opposite of me.

She doesn’t listen at all, yet she is very bright, has lots of friends and an extremely kind nature.

Tonight I lost it, she’s sharing a room with her sister for now and she keeps her up, i spoke to her before bed and I asked her to please go straight to sleep, I’m not well, DH is out, her sister is tired and I need her just to go to bed and go to sleep. I asked her not to go into her sisters bed, no talking tonight and just basically go to sleep. For 2 hours now she hasn’t fucking shut up, I’ve been up and down, shouted and warned it doesn’t matter. Came up to go to bed myself and she’s still talking and now she’s in her sisters bed.

I lost it and grabbed her out and put her in the spare room which has nothing in it atm. I shut the door and actually considered leaving her in there all night but know how cruel that sounds. Her sister was asleep within minutes so I went and got DD from the bedroom and told her to get into her bed and face the wall and go to sleep.

I want to smack her but I don’t.

She’s my first born, if anything was to happen to her I would die myself but I still can’t get rid of this feeling towards her. I don’t feel like that towards her sister.
I’m not depressed, I have a good life, a good husband and generally happy. I’d say she is a well behaved child but I just don’t “get” her.

I don’t know why I’m posting, a cry for help, maybe hoping someone else has felt the same and came out the other side. I don’t know.

I agree with the PP about love bombing.

I couldn't cope with my son when he was about 2-3 - he was very, very demanding and would constantly ask questions. I went to the doctor and was given ADs and as soon as I took them I could cope with him. Lo and behold he stopped demanding, because I was able to give him positive attention and turn him towards something else when he was pestering me. I feel awful about that now but was so glad I got help.

I think I deserve some of the bashing. I’ve been honest. I wanted to be honest in my post because what’s the point in posting.

She was in the spare room for about 4-5 mins, no longer. I could have put her in my room but I was too busy losing my shit in my own room Trying to calm myself down to want her in with me.

I found reading to him really helps.

Any book. We're getting into Roald Dahl at the minute

He becomes lovely. I become calm. And no matter what's happened we both just cuddle up and I read.

True to form he can't shut up and talk to me about the bloody book I'm trying to read him and ask questions about what's going to happen in the book I haven't finished reading yet...

But in that moment it's not important. If you can find something like that it might help.

I've started giving DD my phone to watch YouTube in bed for half an hour just so me and him can get some quiet time together.

She very much approves 🙄🙄

Have you mentioned your feelings towards your dd to your dh?

itsallthedrama I hear ya! You love him but bloody hell. Argh! I just realised what your name refers to! Brilliant! Love G &S!

OP hang on in there. Ignore the haters. It's fine to blow off steam here

I think your children are lucky, you're here trying to find a solution, realising that you could have a little more patience or better coping skills.

That's more than many parents do.

It won't be all doom and gloom forever OP. Try to remain positive.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion I would never say this to my DD so no I haven’t told her how I feel. I mean I will say to her why are you behaving like this her answer all the time whether she’s getting in to trouble or being asked why she is behaving like this is “I don’t know”

I haven’t told DH the extent I suppose, he gets frustrated with her aswel but I’d say it’s a “normal” frustration compared to my type of frustration.

Also people seem to be focusing on the one incident with not going to bed, and skipping over the parts where you've said you hate her, she irritates you, and you find her weird because you have nothing in common with her. God I feel sorry for that little girl. She's only 6!

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion yeah your right.

I don’t know why I feel like this, I don’t want to feel like this. God I really don’t!

I haven't skipped over it.

At times I've thought I hated my son.

It's not real hate. I'd say it's hate for the situation.
Hate that you can't escape from this relentlessly annoying tiny person who is completely reliant on you and won't even work with you to make your day easier.

That's hard.

And I don't have anything in common with him. I fake excitement about a lot of things he does or wants to talk about.

Well then you should tell him and get some help, or you may not be able to control your feelings towards her. People here sugar coating this for you, and telling you they feel the same about their kids, are either lying, or not reading properly.
Everyone gets frustrated with their children, everyone shouts, everyone can feel that they dislike their child, but the language you used in your OP comes across as though you actually despise your dd. That's concerning.

Well if you can't distinguish hate of a difficult situation the child is causing and hate of the actual child themselves, then that could very well lead to some damage.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion
You couldn't possibly know who is lying and sugar coating. As you are not living their lives.

You're free to your opinion of course.
But you cannot speak for others.

I lost it and grabbed her out and put her in the spare room which has nothing in it atm

Could you at the weekend make this into her room? If she wasn’t keeping her sister awake you wouldn’t be so annoyed. All kids are annoying at some point especially when they are at the relentlessly chatty phase.

Well no. Because I am out the other side now.

But at the time. When I very much sounded like the OP does now I couldn't distinguish it. I really thought I hated him.

Because he was being an absolute little relentless shit for bloody weeks.

I would wake up and decide that that day would be a good day. I would tell him that we were going out for food and going home to watch a movie etc.

He'd throw a tantrum because he didn't want to eat there (a place I knew he liked)

Well fuck off then mate we're going home. You're going to bed and I'm watching a grown up film.

Eventually he calmed down and we're OK.

I recommend this book for understanding your child's personality type and yours and how to find the best ways to relate to them and understand them and parent them.

OP, one part stands out to me is that you say you aren’t depressed, have a good life and a good husband and are generally happy. That was me three months ago before I lost it and was diagnosed with depression. No way did I have depression, I had a good life,I was happy, had money, etc etc....except I did.

Now that I’m out the other side i realise that I must have had depression for years because only now I remember what I used to feel like. I had become short tempered, snappy, couldn’t wait for my kids to be in bed.
My eldest got it most, I felt like we just butted heads at every turn. Argued all the time. I was constantly angry with her. It wasn’t her though, it was me. I know our situations may not be the same but please don’t rule it out. I realise now that she was reacting to me and I feel awful, but I didn’t know I was depressed. I feel so thankful to the doctor that suggested it and I feel thankful to myself that I was willing to accept that it maybe depression and give medication a go.

Op have a read of this https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/books/2019/jul/10/the-book-you-wish-your-parents-had-read-philippa-perry-review

One of the most interesting things about it is that the author says that angry, ragey feeling we get when our children are pushing our buttons is almost always something to do with our own childhoods and parents - we repeat patterns without even being aware of it.

I mention it as you seem to dislike with good reason the emotions your child raises in you, but you seem a bit mystified where they come from too - maybe this could help?

Also, I don't actually think you over reacted tonight. I wouldn't have shut her in a room but I could be letting my own experiences affect my feeling on that. After 2 hours I would have lost my shit too. Its the way you spoke about her being weird.

Do you have a bedtime routine where you read to the children while they are in their beds? I think the lack of supervision - just being downstairs or in another room and telling a six year old to shut up and go to sleep is unrealistic and I'm sorry to say just not really involved enough.

Sorry though as you said you feel ill. But unfortunately if you can't out in what's needed, it all collapses like it did tonight.

I'm also sorry to say I feel unbelievably sad and like crying myself when I think of your little girl being told to face the wall and sleep. Having been shut in a (dark?) empty room on her own, not knowing when she'd be let out.

You are right to speak up but it's wrong for anyone to minimise this. Your current behaviour as a parent isn't really ok and you need to do something about it. Speak to your husband? Read something as a matter of importance? I don't know. But I would be beside myself if I had let my child feel like that. Even one incident is damaging. So please do something about this. It can't happen again.

@bridgetreilly and @pandarific thank you I’ve noted both books!!!

@Doggodogington thank you, what made you go to the doctors? Was it something specific or just generally you thought you needed help?
I don’t mean to pry, I think I need help maybe, some counselling perhaps but not for a specific situation in my life if that makes sense.

@itsallthedramaMickiloveit thankyou! Makes me feel less alone, what you are saying is exactly like me.

I just want to make it clear that whilst I definitely have all the feelings I’ve said and they are very real, I’ve never abused my daughter, smacked her or anything like that. HOWEVER, I also know that soon enough she may start to realise as she gets older than I have these feelings and I do not want that to happen.

But I could also be letting my own experiences affect my feelings on that. I do think you need to seek help for your feelings though. Trust me, children pick up on these things.

I really admire your honesty and willingness to discuss this.

Please get to the root of your dislike for your daughter by discussing it with a good counsellor/therapist/wise objective person. I say that because my mother disliked my Dsister all her life and that dislike really intensified in Dsis' teenage years. I actually heard DM say to Dsis "I detest you". Horrifying and inexcusable. I lost respect for her that day, I really did. Messed with my Dsis' self-esteem. If your own mother can detest you... DM was not always hateful, but the feeling was there often enough and obvious to us all.

Get a grip on this now.

I've realised I was overly strict and suffocating, I thought I had to be as DS was constantly pushing boundaries. I've eased up and I no longer have to tell him off the vast majority of the time as hid behaviour has improved massively and when I do tell him, he accepts it.

Find things she's good at, arrange situations where you can relatively safely assume she'll be able to behave nicely and give her the tools and the framework to do so- sleep, food, exercise and entertainment and then praise her and acknowledge she's done well.

And yes it is weird to call yourself 'I hate my child', and your feelings towards her seem very hostile. It's a really worrying situation - please get some help.