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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What’s wrong with me

152 replies

Ihatemychild · 12/03/2020 21:09

I have 2 DDs

I really feel like I hate my eldest (6)

No idea why. She irritates me all the time, annoys me, I have absolutely no patience with her. I find her weird, have nothing in common, she’s the complete opposite of me.

She doesn’t listen at all, yet she is very bright, has lots of friends and an extremely kind nature.

Tonight I lost it, she’s sharing a room with her sister for now and she keeps her up, i spoke to her before bed and I asked her to please go straight to sleep, I’m not well, DH is out, her sister is tired and I need her just to go to bed and go to sleep. I asked her not to go into her sisters bed, no talking tonight and just basically go to sleep. For 2 hours now she hasn’t fucking shut up, I’ve been up and down, shouted and warned it doesn’t matter. Came up to go to bed myself and she’s still talking and now she’s in her sisters bed.

I lost it and grabbed her out and put her in the spare room which has nothing in it atm. I shut the door and actually considered leaving her in there all night but know how cruel that sounds. Her sister was asleep within minutes so I went and got DD from the bedroom and told her to get into her bed and face the wall and go to sleep.

I want to smack her but I don’t.

She’s my first born, if anything was to happen to her I would die myself but I still can’t get rid of this feeling towards her. I don’t feel like that towards her sister.
I’m not depressed, I have a good life, a good husband and generally happy. I’d say she is a well behaved child but I just don’t “get” her.

I don’t know why I’m posting, a cry for help, maybe hoping someone else has felt the same and came out the other side. I don’t know.

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 12/03/2020 22:17

You need to keep reminding yourself that the problem isn’t her it’s you. You mentioned that she is social and has friends but do you? If you’re lonely and she isn’t you may be projecting - speak to your GP and try to get a CBT referral to talk through your issues.

planetcloud · 12/03/2020 22:18

I had a very hard time with my eldest about that age but he was defiant and I just couldn't get through to him. Started taking him out walks with me just one on one and listened to him and gave him attention. Changed him completely and we became far more close. He's an amazing son now, although grown up.

Original poster
Ihatemychild · 12/03/2020 22:19

@Blondewolf yeah generally it’s bath time and the. Bed. I haven’t read in a while to be honest, I don’t have the energy just now, I know I should.

I take in everything your saying, I shut her in a dark room with nothing in it, the door wasn’t locked or anything like that but I did want to leave her in there. Of course I would never, I know right and wrong and when it’s going to far and I’m able to control my self in that sense but yeah, it wasn’t great I know.
I told her to face the wall and go to sleep
Once I’d put her back into the room with her sister, their beds are close to each other and I didn’t want her waking her up. But again, not a great moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihatemychild · 12/03/2020 22:22

@GrumpyHoonMain oh it’s me! I know this, I don’t blame her I blame me.

I have a great group of friends, a great family so it’s not that.

From the outside looking in everything is great.

OP posts:
Emmelina · 12/03/2020 22:24

Can you stagger bedtimes for now? Let the youngest fall asleep, keep the older one downstairs with an audiobook on headphones or something so she winds down?
It’s like two cases of verbal diarrhoea here with my two girls, and the lad in the middle totally exasperated 😂

Stonerosie67 · 12/03/2020 22:25

Today 21:36thesunhasgothishatontoday

I hear you OP!!
Not quite the same but I'm a childminder and I can't stand one of the children. The sight of her makes my blood pressure rise. She's only 3 but my god she's a sneaky sly manipulative little madam. I've never felt so irritated by a child before!!

This is awful. Some parent is paying you and trusting you to look after their child and this is what you think of her? She's 3, she can't defend herself against you, and I bet she knows exactly what you think of her, feelings as vitriolic as this can't be hidden.
Do everyone a favour and tell the parents you can't look after her (if that's even what you're doing) anymore, let someone else give that little girl a chance! You should be ashamed of yourself.

FlamingIris · 12/03/2020 22:27

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OkPedro · 12/03/2020 22:28

Sorry op I won’t give you a bashing as you are clearly struggling but I feel so sorry for your little girl. She’s only 6.. it doesn’t sound like she misbehaves. She’s a chatterbox which I know is bloody annoying I have two of them! I have disliked both my children’s behaviour at times. My son is 8 and can be difficult. I’ve had to leave the room and pull myself together because I’ve wanted to scream and shout at him. He has tantrums and cries over the smallest thing.
I know even at his worst he is only a little boy.
Please go to your gp.. you may be depressed you may not.
I’m surprised at the posters who are defending how you behaved.
Putting a 6 year old child in a dark empty room because they wouldn’t go to sleep is awful. And then telling her to face the wall and go to sleep 💔 Did you even give her a hug before she went to sleep?
I understand the frustration when your child won’t sleep but surely taking the child into your room for 10/15 minutes would have been better?

RosiePoseyPanda · 12/03/2020 22:32

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Absolutepowercorrupts · 12/03/2020 22:35

Mumsnet, a place to come and get support. God forbid that you're honest about a terrible situation. You'll always get posters like
@Ponoka7
@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
The let's give this mother a bloody good kicking brigade
@Ihatemychildreally has been as honest as she can because she knows that she's struggling to be a good parent, she's had some good advice here.
Women and mothers always remember the bad stuff, so I hope the op takes away the good advice and let's the sanctimonious pomposity shit from others go into the ether where it belongs.

MNHQ
ClaraMumsnet · 12/03/2020 22:35

We're just reminding everyone to stick to our Talk Guidelines, which includes no personal attacks.

Discussions like this often get heated but we'd like to remind you that Mumsnet is here to make parents' lives easier. While we encourage healthy and robust discussion, we hope that everyone can respect each other in their choices and express their views without resorting to personal attacks. We're sure you'd all agree that parents need all the support they can get. After all, parenting is hard enough without facing judgement and criticism for those choices and Mumsnet should be a place where can talk about difficult feelings and get support and advice.

Myohmy111 · 12/03/2020 22:37

* I think your children are lucky * Really? I realise the OP has posted to get help but surely a child whose mother feels that she hates her is far from ‘lucky’.

pigoons · 12/03/2020 22:37

My DS has become a monster since turning six - the cheek, the noise, the answering back, the constant chat about star wars. I find bedtimes particularly tough. But all his friends are like this too ... I try and ignore a lot and then start giving lots of warning that mummy's patience is wearing thin ...

Original poster
Ihatemychild · 12/03/2020 22:40

For everyone posting that I’m a terrible person, HELP ME.
What can I do, has anyone has this and came out the other side. I don’t think it’s depression, I really don’t, I don’t know why I feel like this, I don’t want to feel like this.

I tell her every day I love her, I kiss and hug her all the time, I hold her hand wherever we go. I want her to feel safe with me I don’t want to feel like this towards her, I don’t want her to ever know this is how I felt.

OP posts:
Lausch95 · 12/03/2020 22:42

OP I can sympathise totally. I have a child of similar age and he drives me insane but is very kind, enthusiastic and bright. Love him more than anything in the world but some days...omg..i could actually scream! I hope the phase will pass...

Lausch95 · 12/03/2020 22:42

I always try to focus on his positive qualities and overlook the irritating ones! It's hard though sometimes

TryingToBeBold · 12/03/2020 22:42

I can't understand.. but.. when I was younger, my friends little boy who was 2/3.. was weird. Just a weird kid. Even at that age. I spent a lot of time and just couldn't bond with him. His sister, not an issue but a few years older.. but he was a.. weird, strange child. Just.. not normal.

OkPedro · 12/03/2020 22:43

@Ihatemychild If it was me I’d go to my gp. A few pps have said they didn’t think they were depressed but they were. It’s normal to find parenting hard, boring etc but I think how you behaved with your daughter isn’t normal. Flowers

CheshireChat · 12/03/2020 22:43

I don't think putting a child in an empty room for a short amount of time is cruel, just boring. It would definitely be cruel to put them in a dark room if they're scared of the dark, but the OP hasn't said either way.

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/03/2020 22:43

Therapy, counselling, extra support...?

It wasn’t ok. It isn’t ok to hate your kid and think they’re weird and shut them in a dark room in anger.

Do you have a co-parent/partner?

What was your relationship like with your mother/father? Maybe something is triggering past stuff for you. What happened when you were six or thereabouts - how were your annoying kid ways handled?

I do not condemn you - parenting is so, so hard sometimes and we all ‘fail’ now and again - but the posters whooping it up with “I hear ya!” etc aren’t helping you. You deserve better and your clever little kid certainly does too.

Original poster
Ihatemychild · 12/03/2020 22:47

@CheshireChat no she’s not afraid of the dark but I suppose in the set of circumstances that is was done it wasn’t nice and she quite possibly was afraid.

OP posts:
Frenchw1fe · 12/03/2020 22:49

I wouldn't bash you or other pp's for your feelings, they are valid and you're being honest.
However some of the language used in these posts by parents to describe their dc and how they feel towards them is pretty shocking.

If someone came on MN to say their partner had described them to others as a shit, annoying, manipulative or sly they would be advised that it was disrespectful behaviour and shouldn't be tolerated. Apparently children are considered fair game by the very people who should protect them.

OkPedro · 12/03/2020 22:50

I’m sorry but come on of course she was afraid! Why are people making excuses. She’s a small child, only 6 years old being put in a dark room with the door shut Confused

op I’m not sure if you’ve read what I posted but please go to your gp

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/03/2020 22:51

What did you mean when you said you find her weird?
Therapy might help, you may be depressed. Sometimes it's hard to realise the signs when you are living it. Going to yiur gp might help. People with the the best lives can still become depressed. People here can give you advice, but ultimately you have to help yourself, and your daughter.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 12/03/2020 22:52

If someone came on MN to say their partner had described them to others as a shit, annoying, manipulative or sly they would be advised that it was disrespectful behaviour and shouldn't be tolerated. Apparently children are considered fair game by the very people who should protect them.

One massive difference you're missing in your own example.

I would never ever tell my son any of what I've said here.

Never. That would be abusive.

But coming into a safe. Private space. That can't be traced back to me or him is fine.

He is a little shit sometimes. And I love him.
He only ever hears one of those statements.

My husband probably goes to his friends and has a good moan about me.
As long as he doesn't say it to my face I'm happy for him to crack on.