Looking after your own children IS work

[Bumpitybumper]

Oxford Dictionary definition of "work":
activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result

AIBU to suggest that the people that suggest that looking after one's own children isn't work are wrong and in some cases are actively trying to devalue and undermine the people (usually women) that do the majority of childcare?

Would be really interested to understand how anyone can read this definition and argue that looking after children isn't work.

"Well it’s not that hard is it? Maybe if you were at home with 5 children under 10, all very different and wanting attention in different ways - maybe one has SEN and another is autistic, Your DH mainly works away? No family support from anywhere?"

It's not a competition.I cant understand people calling their kids work. It's just not nice and I could never bring myself to do it. I still wont comprehend it if you had 30 kids, they are still your kids.
For the record, I never had family support either (didnt need it), and I'm also a carer for partner with brain injury. I wont call him work either. It just feels wrong. They are family.

That was a light hearted comment jeez

"Your kids will be supporting their pensions one day."
And their kids will be supporting pensions too?!

I think people argue about this because the meaning of the word ‘work’ has shifted over the last generation. People used to say “A woman’s WORK is never done” and of course they weren’t talking about paid employment. Yet now a lot of people use the word “work” to mean something that somebody else is paying you to do. Playing football can be work but clearing up your child’s vomit or getting up every 45 min throughout the night isn’t, apparently.

I use the word ‘work’ in the original sense, and absolutely consider looking after my child to be work, same as housework (hence the word “houseWORK” exists), it certainly isn’t fun after the first couple of hours, and childcare is much harder than when I worked in City law - I used to get to sit down! I could go to the toilet on my own! I could think a series of thoughts without interruption! No-one shouted at me!

When people change the meaning of ‘work’ to only mean paid employment, then that seems to me to be sexist and to be taking on the rather male idea that it what women do in the home is easy (and therefore that men shouldn’t feel guilty over their often teeny contribution to it)... just another way of devaluing the contribution made by women to society.

Totally agree @Skysblue

I have 3 under 4, think of the laundry!!

Aye, and there are plenty of folk who work AND do that laundry. That's not to say it's not tough (see my PP on why being a SAHP is really fucking hard), but I do think that there's a group of SAHP on MN who claim their "job" is cleaner, childminder, PA...etc. without thinking that WOHP have to do all that too as well as hold down a job.

“ . I wont call him work either. It just feels wrong. They are family.”

So the obligation to perform a caring/carer role is above analysis or scrutiny because you’re taking a martyr’s approach to it?

Caring work is severely under recognised and under supported.

It’s not free time that you could decide on how to spend or on joy. It’s fulfilling obligation and expectation, and, from experience, as knackering and thankless as any paid job.

What about the women in their 50s and 60s, who often have jobs, care for parents and children/grandchildren and have been shafted on their pensions. Are you going to tell them that’s ok because all the caring and home responsibilities were actually free time and not work at all?

Both putting your kids in care to work and staying at home to parent full time are equally valid choices and have their easier bits and harder bits. Ridiculous to claim anything otherwise

Skysblue
I agree to a point, but in my experience people seem to use work to mean "essentially the same as a paid job", often when moaning about whatever it is they're doing at home / trying to argue that their to do list is massive and bigger than anyone else's.

I'm at home at the moment with DC, it's hard work but I'd never get into the usual arguing it's essentially the same as professional childcare because I could pay someone else. I'm raising DC. It's not my job and I would consider it parenting rather than work.

Generally when the whole 'is staying home with children work' discussion comes up its because it's almost always a subtle shift from an original reply/post where someone has tried to argue that the basic life tasks and parenting they do are totally as stressful as if they did each of the potentially outsourced tasks for a living.

Caring work is severely under recognised and under supported.

"It’s not free time that you could decide on how to spend or on joy. It’s fulfilling obligation and expectation, and, from experience, as knackering and thankless as any paid job."
It's also, loving him. Its doing it because I love him. That's not work. The second I call it work, the second that relationship is different. And that's not being a martyr for goodness sake.

Lots of paid jobs are also done out of love - a love for your fellow man, for society. Or very frequently people go to jobs they loathe but they do them because they love the people they provide for at home from the pay for that job.

Yes, it is work in the strict sense of the word, but it is voluntary and unpaid because you choose to have children.

"Lots of paid jobs are also done out of love - a love for your fellow man, for society."

Sorry, but that's just bolloxs.

Referring to essential tasks as work does not mean other people love their dependants any less than you do...

When you need to go out there, put yourself accountable to a customer or employer and deliver. In the name of paying bills and food on the table. Every day. With dependents relying on you to provide. By golly, that is work and can feel incredibly pressured. Honestly I don't know how one carrys that on their shoulder for years. Which is the principal reason why I work, as an equal to my DH. So that he's not shouldering the heavy burden. And I can do it because I can and can afford paying half of childcare fees. But if my husband decided to quit work tomorrow and be a sahp id really feel the pressure and tbh, id refuse for him to do that. I'm not happy being the sole breadwinner and feeling miserable because of the weight on my shoulder.

“ Sorry, but that's just bolloxs.”

No it’s not. It’s other people’s experience and just as valid as yours.

I love my kids and the family members I ha e cared for. Doesn’t make the day to day action of caring for their needs any less hard work.

Of course it’s work!

Your kids will be supporting their pensions one day

and employed people's tax contributions will be supporting your kids health care and education.

FGS, it’s not ‘work, work’ is it.

Well of course it's work. As is housework. It's just not paid a salary. Is it harder than paid work. Depends on the job. I found care of a toddler and a baby as exhausting as a 12 nursing shift.

Not even sure what the point of the thread is?

Ooom what a nasty comment to make. Why do you feel the need to bash working mums over the head I wonder? Your comment reeks of bitterness and insecurity. I work while my children are at school. I pick them up. I take them home, I do all my own housework, my own cooking etc. And yes I go to meetings while I'm at work. And no, I don't give a shit what you think about it.

I think people argue about this because the meaning of the word ‘work’ has shifted over the last generation

I agree completely

but in my experience people seem to use work to mean "essentially the same as a paid job

This has never happened in my experience

Not to say obviously that your experience isnt valid...its as valid as mine

It might be more valid I suppose...

Oh plopsie

Never trust the experience of someone who can’t even get bolding right!

I don't get why some sahm and some working mums want to bash each other all the time. I've been both and both have their positives and negatives. What infuriates me however is when people try to insinuate that mums who work (paid) are some how less of a mum. I know someone who works at the expense of her family, and hardly sees her kids (and I mean a couple of days a month) but I can also think of a sahm who completey neglected her kids. But I know lots of fantastic mothers, some who work (paid work) some who don't. My point is, whether you work or not has nothing to do with whether you're a good mum, a value to society, or anything else.

No sorry