Looking after your own children IS work

[Bumpitybumper]

Oxford Dictionary definition of "work":
activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result

AIBU to suggest that the people that suggest that looking after one's own children isn't work are wrong and in some cases are actively trying to devalue and undermine the people (usually women) that do the majority of childcare?

Would be really interested to understand how anyone can read this definition and argue that looking after children isn't work.

I’ve done both. I fully support the choice to stay at home. But ffs stop whinging. If it’s so tiring, why do it? Why not go back to work if it’s so bloody awful?

I work FT and it would never occur to me to be annoyed at someone else saying they were tired.

And yes, of course you can be tired. But you wouldn’t go to visit a friend in hospital whose just had open heart surgery and complain about your minor graze. It’s the same thing here. Know, and understand, your audience. Have some tact.

It’s the same thing here. Know, and understand, your audience. Have some tact.

you might have a job that does require some tact. If you are one of the numerous office workers on a 9 to 5 day, don't push it

Complaining about being tired after a normal day, even at home, that's just... life? Isn't that allowed? And not everyone has nightmare days at work, I had lazy days, very funny day. Haven't everybody?

Of course it all comes down to what kind of job you have and how old and easy or not your children are.

My job has always been full on, meetings after meetings, deadlines to meet, trying to grab lunch when you can, and an hour + commute in traffic either side.

I was always puzzled when I spoke to SAHM who complained about looking after their kids for 6 weeks during the school holidays because it was such hard work when for me, the weeks I got to spend with my kids was such a treat and an easy breeze compared to working days (and looking after them before and after).

So yes, I had little sympathy, but I suppose it is different if comparing working in a very laid-back and not very busy environment and looking after 4 kids under the age of 4.

I think there’s a bit of perspective difference too. By this I mean, for my mother who hasn’t worked for over 30 years, a busy day is having to go food shopping. Where as I would fit my food shopping in after work, in between running the kids to various activities. It wouldn’t seem like a big deal at all.

I think the more time you have to do things, the long you may spend doing them, so it seems like you’re doing more, if that makes sense.

When you’re used to a life of dashing about, it’s not a big deal.

So a really busy day to a SAHP, would be a pretty standard day to a working parent. So the SAHP may be complying they’re tired after their busy day and the working parents would be a bit , but to them feeling tired would seem completely justified.

That wasn’t explained very well, but I hope it sort of makes sense.

Why are some people on this thread so angry??? Goodness me.

Sorry for the typos.

I’ve heard many people say they go to work to get a break as it’s the least intense/difficult part of their day.

And I've heard so many people say they found being a SAHP a doddle compared to work. It's swings and roundabouts.

Of course looking after your children is work!!! it’s less work as they get older. Just not paid work. Same with washing dishes. Cooking. That’s why it’s called housework! Love the way when I was growing up women were criticised for ‘working’because they were not looking after children. Now they are criticised for not ‘working’ when they have children. Prob whether or not you consider looking after your children as work depends on how much you enjoy it. And how much hard work they are!

No it's not work.

That's not say it's not hard, or important, but it's not work.

And being a working parent IS more difficult - you don't stop being a parent because you are out of the house. You get stretched, and conflicted, and exhausted and pulled in both directions. You are still looking after your own children - that doesn't stop because you are in an office.

The hardest thing about staying at home is the relentlessness, the dullness, the drudgery, the loneliness. It's not physically or mentally difficult in the way working is, and you're not accountable to anyone.

And no one can say being a sahm of school age children is work.

God, looking after my DS is definitely work. Less so as he gets older! I wouldn’t be a SAHM to a preschool age child for love nor money. I was definitely more worn down on maternity leave than I was once I went back to work.

This discussion never happens irl!

I can never see looking after my children as work. I just understand how others can. I would be horrified if my parents ever called looking after me and bring me up was work. It's just not a nice thing to say. I enjoy being with my children, the good bits and the harder bits. Its parenting, its bringing them up, it's not work.

That should have read "I just cant understand how others can".

Wow. I find this thread really interesting. I would have said looking after children especially young children was obviously work! Changing nappies. Feeding them. Cooking them dinner. And of course it benefits wider society. Probably benefits wider society more than any paid work you do. If you love your kids they are more likely to grow up to be loving adults who will hopefully pay taxes which will pay for your pensions. Also whether it is harder than paid work depends on what paid work you do and also your children! Also just because you enjoy looking after your kids does not mean it is not work. You can enjoy paid work as well Also it obviously can not be compared to leisure activities such as gaming as it is compulsory to look after children that means feeding them cleaning them and clothing them otherwise it s neglect. It’s a bit sad that so many women do not recognise looking after children as work. The reason why so many men do paid work is that it gives them a great excuse for abdicating responsibility for work involved with children. And the reason why many women find paid work hard is that they do both paid work, housework and work involved with bringing up children.

“I just can’t understand...”

Well it’s not that hard is it? Maybe if you were at home with 5 children under 10, all very different and wanting attention in different ways - maybe one has SEN and another is autistic, Your DH mainly works away? No family support from anywhere?

You might understand pretty quickly then.

Surely you realise you can’t judge everyone else’s home set up, numbers / personalities / relationships with their children in the basis of your own experiences and that’s that?

People have different tolerances for different things. Some people have no tolerance for staying at home with kids. Some people find work environments more boring / stressful than others. We’re all different, with different kids and different jobs. Who would have thought?

I just think it's inherently nonsensical to define what does or doesn't count as 'work'on the basis of how hard/tiring it is. Running a marathon isn't work, but it's bloody hard. As part of my paid work I will spend a couple of hours tomorrow sitting in a café chatting to some nice people in German. Not remotely hard for me (plus I get to eat cake). But it is my job.

So preparin 3 healthy meals and snacks every day, planning and doing activities and all the cleaning and washing associated with children is supposed to have us all singing with joy?? I have 3 under 4, think of the laundry!!

Please of course its work. And I actually enjoy a lot of the more mundane things than I imagine most people do. Of course its magical and the best thing in the world and so rewarding and I am so full of love for them, but I'm not going to pretend being a decent parent isn't work, its bloody tiring a lot of the time and I'm sure my kids wouldn't be mortally wounded being told that in the future.

So preparin 3 healthy meals and snacks every day, planning and doing activities and all the cleaning and washing associated with children is supposed to have us all singing with joy?? I have 3 under 4, think of the laundry!*

Now do all that and go out to work in the evening, or be at work all day and have to do that in the evening.

Kids cause work, but you have a lot more time to do that work and still have some restful time if you’re a SAHP.

As I said I’m not getting at SAHP, I would have loved to have been one, but if I had of been, I would never have pretended I had it as hard as those who had to do everything I was doing and still hold down job.

Sorry my post was aimed at the poster who was horrified at calling parenting work. It sounds like splitting hairs over the semantics of the word more than anything else really. There are plenty of parts of parenting that are laborious and even monotonous (constant clothes washing..) whether you call it work or not.

@Catapillarsruletheworld sorry my post was about parenting in general, not divided between SAHP/WOHP because absolutely doing that on top of working can be even more difficult. I was just surprised at the idea that someone would be upset if someone called parenting work.

"I have 3 under 4, think of the laundry!!"

We all have laundry, even the parents who go out to work. It's just laundry.

Oh god OP you’ve just fired the starting gun on the “who has it harder” olympics 🤣

Raising kids is f* hard work if you’re doing it right.

Lots of people on here have an axe to grind so take all replies claiming SAHPs have it soooo easy compared to the real working folk like them with a pinch of salt. Your kids will be supporting their pensions one day.