To find the phrase ‘they’re only young once’ very irritating?

[Twistsandturns]

Usually said by mother’s who choose not to work or to work very little. Never heard it said to a man. I work full time. We don’t have a lot of time during the week but we have lovely weekends together. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on their childhood

I agree with you OP. It depends on context - of course sometimes it’s said with harmless intentions - but it’s still at best a pointless phrase. We’re all aware they’re only little once!

I’ve had it said to me a lot, because I work - and it hurts. ‘Oh I couldn’t do what you do - they’re only little once’ (tinkly laugh). I’ve got my reasons for working (which I don’t need to share) and I know deep down me working is the right thing for me and my family. But that doesn’t stop it from being extremely painful, on a regular basis - doing the right thing isn’t always easy! So when someone decides to rub salt in the wound with this little phrase - I assume because they feel insecure about their own choices - yes, it really hurts. But I guess it’s designed to.

Just to comment on the 'who's to say 0-5 years is more important than 5-10' etc. that OP commented.

There is actually a lot of research that shows 0-2/3 are the most crucial years development wise where it's ideal for the child to have a primary attachment figure around 24/7 (doesn't have to be the mum or dad, it could be a childminder, grandparent etc.

So absolutely parents should have the choice to work if it's what they want/need to do and if it helps them enjoy their children more at weekends etc. But you can't dismiss the evidence that the early years are the most important. It is the responsibility of the parent to make sure their child has what/who they need to grow up secure.

It's why the duchess of Cambridge has launched her early years campaign and there will hopefully be better public awareness of this going forward.

"Why love matters" is a great introduction to the science behind the early years.

I hate it too. And I was/am a SAHP.

I never thought of it as a dig at WOHP. I usually heard it as a sappy kind of excuse for letting the dear wee tots be utter little brats, which was not my parenting style.

WOHP's have their reasons for working, and my respect, they're juggling roles that are sometimes very hard to align. And they love their kids just as much and they are doing right by their kids according to their circumstances and their lights, just as I do by mine. And any SAHP who tries to shore up their mana by seeking to belittle a WOHP with such a phrase and a tinkly laugh is deeply insecure and crying into her sav blanc at 4.59pm.

of course OP isn’t having a dig at SAHMs or the choices they make. The ‘dig’ is at people who trot out the kind of hideous phrases.
Her language suggests she is. And why is it a hideous phrase its true! My children are grown up now and looking back their childhood seems very short and their babyhood just flew by.
That doesn't mean anyone is critisising anyone who goes to work or that anyone should feel guilty for their chiices. People should just do what works for them and support each other.

I used to say it to my dh to persuade him not to work through every school holiday

Boshmama, going to work during those early years doesn’t mean the child will lack a primary carer they are attached to. You yourself mention that they can have this relationship with a carer Not to mention mat / pat leave which in this country is usually taken for 6 - 12 months

I feel very much like you OP , very often. My little one has been in nursery FT from age 1 until now. She'll be going to 3 days while I'm on maternity leave.
I sometimes feel hugely guilty, but my god that child LOVES her nursery and she has really thrived there.
I also really don't think we could be any closer. It drives my husband mad what a little two-some we are and when I'm not at work (evenings, weekends, school holidays) we spend loads of time together.
I developed a chronic illness when she hit 14 months and that sometimes makes life really difficult with hospital appointments etc etc. If she wasn't so comfortable in nursery I'd be screwed as husband often works away/ long hours.

Nonnymum, even if it does fly by, that still doesn’t necessarily mean you need to spend all day every day with them in order to make the most of their childhood. Depends on the person I guess. For me I likely would have enjoyed it less if I’d stayed at home during the pre school years, I just find it very hard to manage everything alone with a small child all day, day after day apart from the weekend, what can I say 🤷🏽‍♀️

Vulpine I think it’s a bit different in the context you mention, where it sounds like you are talking about dh having hardly any time at all with the dcs. I meant where the phrase is used about [mothers] ‘missing out’ due to work despite still having the more usual working life pattern of evenings, weekends and holidays with kids.

eggofmantumbi I’m very close to my daughter too, we’re best friends (sorry to be twee but hey!)

We say exactly the same to each other!
I think the guilt will always be there because you wonder if you're doing the right thing and because it's human nature to compare yourself with others. But I always come back to knowing that relationship I have with her and knowing we're both happy

Dd can’t tell me the jobs her friends parents do when I ask blank looks 😁 Dd2 adamant any job she does will be the opposite of what we do as our jobs deeply dull (solicitors)

Why would I expect my child to care about her friends’ parents’ jobs when she’s older? And it’s not about expecting her or wanting her to have the same career as me, it’s about her growing up seeing her mother succeeding in a way that’s important to me (and I’m sure success means different things to different people and being a SAHP can be part of that - more power to them but it’s not for me).

Have to agree, they are only young once and the years fly by... and it hurts when they leave.. to uni or wherever.. so perhaps the advice is saying absolutely enjoy every second if you can..

Absolutely slimmer.

I find the “role model” type comments smug and pious sorry. They get rolled out on these threads to bash sahms. You say yourself your mother was a sahm! Which rather blows your role model theory our of the water anyway.

It’s said by SAHP to justify their choices because deep down they know they are making sacrifices career wise and financially and they want to feel those sacrifices are worth it. When confronted by someone who has not made the same sacrifices as them, they feel the need to say platitudiness stuff like this in order to make themselves feel better

Platitudinous*

Peddling the myth that if you take a few years out your career is doomed is so wrong. All my sahm friends now have great jobs. It’s more than possible to have 5/6 years out when they little and then go back. Pretty much everyone I know myself included and my own mother has done this

I find the “role model” type comments smug and pious sorry. They get rolled out on these threads to bash sahms. You say yourself your mother was a sahm! Which rather blows your role model theory our of the water anyway.

I’m not bashing any SAHPs or trying to put forward a theory. I brought up the role model point in response to a comment which stated that “values” were all about having the money to go skiing etc. It’s something that’s important to me, I don’t expect that to be the case for everyone else but I don’t think I need to be derided for it.

@Twistsandturns yes totally aware it can be another caregiver (which is why I said that!)

All I'm saying is you can't dismiss the importance of the early years by saying they may be just as important as later years when they are absolutely more important in terms of a child's outcomes. It's also often a reason parents don't go back to work because they couldn't afford a childminder and don't have the luxury of grandparents to help.

There is a lot of negativity towards sahms on this thread (they are less well educated 🙄 and won't be able to re-enter the work force etc etc)

I have never taken the phrase to be a dig at working mums, my husband and I often say something similar to each other when we look at our now toddler because it is flying past. I think it's also said to help on the bad days when things are tough.

I didn’t say the early years were of equal importance as the later years. I was just mentioning that for a given family, having more time together at a later part of childhood could be as good/better eg if the parent in question is better with children of that age and enjoys that age more. I’m working on the assumption that the children have everything they need emotionally and for full natural development in the earlier years. Obviously that is not always case since the childcare could be inadequate but that is an entirely separate issue and would clearly be a problem.

Women who take time out of work to be a SAHP are less educated than mums who choose to work

It bifurcates. You have a tranche of women who can’t afford to work - who will tend, on average, to be less educated than those women who can afford childcare and need to work to pay a mortgage etc etc. But there’s then another tranche of women who’ve made really good money in the early years and/or have married someone very wealthy. They tend to be the most educated women...and can afford not to work. You have a good number of these women who stay at home as well. Meaningless to generalise.

But it is a fact that more highly-educated women are far less likely to drop out of the workforce when they have children, presumably because they’ve put enormous effort into qualifying, they are high earners prepared to absorb childcare costs, and in at least some cases, such career paths don’t allow someone to take several years out without their skills/knowledge/CV taking a serious knock. Or simply they’ve never regarded their work as optional, before or after children.

I’ve never for a moment felt I needed to justify working. It has never occurred to me not to, any more than it has my husband.

This is not to denigrate SAHMs in the slightest.

@NataliaOsipova, that is not my experience at all. You are assuming money is the primary motivating factor. The women I’m surrounded by would continue to work if they won the lottery.

Honestly, you do you and I’ll do me. Don’t you worry about other people’s choices; that’s their lives to live.

I work part time as does DH. Because we both want to enjoy a bit of extra time with him. Do I think it makes us better parents than a couple who both work full time? Nah .

Sometimes women just have to go to work, othertimes it's harder to juggle childcare..some just want to go back to work some just don't to be with the kids both suits their family. If you don't want to stay home that's fine and shouldn't feel guilty as you justify you spend quality time with kids weekends, that's fine. Sahp will justify they are only young once I want to make the most of it. Neither is wrong you do what suits you and your family and live and let live.

The kid will be fine with decent childcare so no one should feel guilt for working. My choices were selfish! My job was ridiculous long hours notoriously harsh with international travel. We could live well
On one salary I didn’t want to keep working. Doesn’t make me “better” than my lovely sister who worked through. Or thicker for that matter 😁