To find the phrase ‘they’re only young once’ very irritating?

[Twistsandturns]

Usually said by mother’s who choose not to work or to work very little. Never heard it said to a man. I work full time. We don’t have a lot of time during the week but we have lovely weekends together. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on their childhood

It’s true as a phrase and if someone uses it and you feel guilty or bad, then ask yourself why?
It’s more about you and your feelings than anyone else’s.

Of course, if someone is an smug arse and makes pointed comments then it's the recipient of comments who needs to look in the mirror.

There are many reasons why a family will structure their family in any given way. Some may be thinking long term, others might be in a precarious job, others are thinking about pensions, or trying not to have their family evicted, they may need a flexible job because of caring for older parents, they may need to keep food on the table, they may have mental health issues and need an outlet, they may enjoy their job, they may want to offer their children things they didn't have, and more.

The sort of people who say "if you object to my comments then that proves that my way is right and you're only feeling bad because you know you've made worse parenting decisions" are unpleasant.

I think it's a nice reminder when things are really hard.

No idea if people say it to men and not sure how you'd kno. It's something I hear very infrequently anyway.

I’ve never heard it said in the sense of ‘the hard toddler years will soon pass’ or that one should carry on working because they won’t be young for long and it might be hard to get back into work later. I’ve only ever heard it said in the sense of ‘they’re only young once and therefore one must maximise the amount of time one [the mother] spends with them.

Personally I’ve found maternity leave quite hard whereas I enjoy my job and my kids are happy and doing well. However I am human and when people make those sorts of comments it does make me question myself and, I guess, feel guilty, even though I know logically that things are perfectly fine the way they are.

I have no objection to sahms if that’s what you want to do. I just object to any implication children of wohms are getting a worse deal by their mother not being there for larger periods of their day to day lives.

Gabriella I asked my DH and he said he’d never heard the phrase

Whereas I’ve heard it twice in the last 2 weeks

There are huge amounts of judgement directed at women (rarely men) when they become parents. SAHM's get a shitty of "ooh I don't know how you do it, I'd be bored" and "what do you do all day" while WOHM's get bollocks like "I didn't have a baby to let someone else raise it" and "I couldn't be away from mine".

Whatever you do, someone will tell you you're wrong. There's a special kind of hell for those people. Try not to engage on either side; don't listen to the judgers but also don't be one of them; doing down another person's life choices doesn't make yours any smarter.

They are only young once though. If (big if) you enjoy young children it makes sense to try to make the most of it. I really loved the stage from 0-3. I’m really glad that I managed to spend a lot of my children at that point because those were my favourite years so far. I’m also really really glad that I didn’t have to endure too much of ages 3-6 because they’re at school/preschool and often have sorties etc on the weekends. 3-6 year olds are a bit crap.

The only time I've heard that phrase is from grandparents using it as a reason to spoil the DCs or from parents ( mums and dads) who's kids are spoiled or misbehaving and not being reined in!

This thread has been a very interesting read for me.... I've been so frustrated recently over all the comments I'm receiving from my family. On DH side I'm getting the "they're only this little for such a short time" comments and on my side of the family "aren't you career driven at all" comments. For context, I'm working 3 days a week currently, office job, not much above minimum wage but extremely fortunate in that combined with DH income and fairly low monthly outgoings, this is ample. I feel like I cannot do right for doing wrong but I think I feel more so upset by the comments that imply I'm lazy or have no aspirations because I'm not full time. This is just what works for my family currently. And I hand on heart don't care whether other mums are full time, part time
Or stay at home so I wish I wasn't receiving so much criticism!

Just as bad is “don’t wish this time away” (my DM’s favourite phrase) - not even remotely helpful when you’re on your knees with stress and exhaustion...

Well by working you clearly are not spending as much of their childhood with them, that can’t be up for debate. However, there will be benefits of going back to work for your children too like being able to provide for them to a higher standard as you are earning.
I went back to work after DC1. We needed the money more (could have coped, but didn’t want to “cope”). Not going back after DC2. The benefits to the children outweigh the money this time as we are more comfortable.
Everyone needs to find their own balance.

The same people who trot this out are (in my experience) the same ones banging on about “wine o clock!”, counting down the minutes until their children are asleep and declaring how unfair it is that they don’t have much of a pension having not worked for decades. Not worth getting annoyed about how other people choose to justify their choices to themselves.

Just as bad is “don’t wish this time away” (my DM’s favourite phrase) - not even remotely helpful when you’re on your knees with stress and exhaustion
100%
What's needed is a spot of empathy in a frustrating moment.

I was at work from when dc was 6 months old.’I feel I enjoyed them more when I was with them as I missed them.’also they were either in nursery or grandparents so everyone looked forward to seeing them. There was no stuck with mum 24/7 and us getting fed up of each other.

Just my opinion, others will differ.

I feel like I cannot do right for doing wrong

This is true. All mothers seem to get judged, whatever their choices!

They are only little for a short space of time and some women enjoy their children
Yes, it's definitely a lack of enjoyment of their children that drives women to pay the mortgage, bills, pay into savings, etc.

They are only little for a short space of time and some women enjoy their children

This is a perfect example of why it’s such a shitty thing to say. ‘Some women enjoy their children’ so they stay at home. So the women who work don’t enjoy their children?! Or is it maybe that they have bills to pay, food and shelter to provide, pensions to pay into, careers to maintain? If you take being a SAHP as a sign that the parent loves or enjoys their children more than a WOHP, then you’re showing a smug and nasty side of yourself.

But they are! I appreciate these sayings more the older they get.

This too, shall pass
Before you know it they’ll be all grown up
Etc.

But yes, hearing it did irritate me

I think you are being over sensitive. Critical remarks will always be made whatever your choices. Make a choice and make it work. Ignore the critics

There is a price to pay whichever you choose so weigh it up and decide whats best for you and your family

I know they’re only young once but we are enjoying their childhood and also giving them a nice childhood despite not being there for every moment of it 🤷🏽‍♀️ I don’t see why working and making the most of the children’s early years seem to be mutually exclusive. I’m not about to home school school-aged children and my pre schooler loves her childcare. And I love not having the intensity with being with a pre schooler the whole day and being solely/primarily responsible for running the house (usually inevitable if you’re at home more), it’s just not for me.

We don’t have a lot of time during the week but we have lovely weekends together. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on their childhood

You're in denial - you are missing out. I went back to work when dc3 was 2.5. I felt that I had to, or I would have struggled to rebuild my career.

But I missed out on a lot - I know this for certain - because I was a SAHM for 8 years, and spent so much more time with my older 2 dc, which I missed with dc3.

Sadly we can't have it all. I agree that people shouldn't rub it in, but it's true when they say that they're only little once. Sorry

Maybe I am being over sensitive. But I am the only full time working mum I know outside of work. I get a lot of comments and horror. It does get wearing.

Awful awful phrase said regularly to me a ft working mother. Made me cry a couple of times too.

I'm a SAHM and don't plan on working until DD is in primary school. For some, that isn't an option, fine. I wouldn't have a child personally if I knew I or DP couldn't be a SAHM for at least the first 3 years. I already feel she's growing up too fast and time is moving so quickly, it would feel like it was going even faster and I would be spending less time with her. I just want to give her what I had growing up.