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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find the phrase ‘they’re only young once’ very irritating?

153 replies

Twistsandturns · 11/03/2020 22:24

Usually said by mother’s who choose not to work or to work very little. Never heard it said to a man. I work full time. We don’t have a lot of time during the week but we have lovely weekends together. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on their childhood

OP posts:

NastiestThing · 12/03/2020 10:43

I guess I feel I had her when I was 20, I have decades of working ahead of me, I don't need to do it now.

MsTSwift · 12/03/2020 10:45

Honestly most people spout cliches for something to say. I really wouldn’t overthink it or take offence. Frankly most people couldn’t give two hoots about your family set up. Age has taught me this!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/03/2020 10:48

I wouldn't have a child personally if I knew I or DP couldn't be a SAHM for at least the first 3 years it's these kind of comments that wind people up.
Why cant people keep these things to themselves instead of making others feel bad or guilty.

Original poster

Twistsandturns · 12/03/2020 10:50

Caperberries perhaps, just perhaps, for you it was missing out but for me this is the right choice?

It’s not a forever choice in any case, some people get on with the younger years but others might get on better with slightly older children. Who’s to say whether 0-5 is the right age to be around more or 5-10 or 10-15 or beyond. Or that working throughout is just fine for their family and they can be free during the time they have together by outsourcing more of the household tasks.

OP posts:

NastiestThing · 12/03/2020 10:55

it's these kind of comments that wind people up.
Why cant people keep these things to themselves instead of making others feel bad or guilty.

That's your problem though. I said nothing wrong. I'm saying it's my personal choice not to have a child if I cannot be a SAHM for that time period, me choice. Or are you saying I shouldn't because it will make others feel like they made the wrong choice? That's like saying if you say "Personally I would never have an abortion" that means you are looking down on everyone who does. No.

Stonefancier · 12/03/2020 11:02

But I am the only full time working mum I know outside of work.

Switch your social circles to better-educated women, OP.

irregularegular · 12/03/2020 11:04

Yes it can be irritating, but it depends on tone/context. I think for me it is not so much about SAHMs v non-SAHM, but the way it makes anyone who is struggling with small children and not enjoying those years, feel even worse about looking forward to them growing up!

NastiestThing · 12/03/2020 11:06

Switch your social circles to better-educated women, OP.

"Women who take time out of work to be a SAHP are less educated than mums who choose to work"

Original poster

Twistsandturns · 12/03/2020 11:07

My friends are actually mostly very well educated! But have gone for/been encouraged into a career path that lends itself to part-time work and reduce hours or stop working after having kids. I’m not casting aspersions on the level of education of sahms or part-time working mums. There is probably an element of culture which I think has led more of my female friends to give up work than perhaps those from a different background. To be honest, growing up I never imagined I would work full-time once I had kids. I probably saw myself as becoming a sahm at that point, but things change

OP posts:

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/03/2020 11:13

That's your problem though. I said nothing wrong you could have just said we were able to and chose to stay at home. The emphasis on "OH I would never be a working parent" is the smug and judgemental part.
There's plenty of scenarios, particularly around having children where people are sensitive to what they say around others- this is one of them!

NastiestThing · 12/03/2020 11:21

The emphasis on "OH I would never be a working parent" is the smug and judgemental part.

I never said I would never be a working parent, just not for the first three years. What I don't get is, if you genuinely don't think there is any problem with working full-time with a young child, why does it make you feel guilty? For example, I feel guilty hearing about kids doing things I'd love for my own kids but can't give them, I don't feel guilty about parents doing things with their kids that I think don't matter because... I don't think they matter. So the crux of it is you already feel bad somewhere, other people's comments just highlight it, or you're overly sensitive.

People who believe vaccines are evil and damage their children don't feel guilty about not giving their children vaccines, because they believe they are doing the right thing, so why would anyone feel guilty about working full-time if they believe that's the right thing for them?

NastiestThing · 12/03/2020 11:23

My point is you shouldn't feel guilty either way btw. I'm not championing one or the other for everybody, it's about what works for you and your values.

MsTSwift · 12/03/2020 11:28

God you need to not feel guilty. Working on that myself. Felt guilty my kids hadn’t been skiing after spending time with skiing families! There’s always something! Hold firm and be confident in your own choices

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/03/2020 11:28

if you genuinely don't think there is any problem with working full-time with a young child, why does it make you feel guilty
I would love to have flexible working, as stated in my earlier post I didnt have a choice with my work. It's about being sensitive to other people.
example being you never can be sure if people dont have children because they dont want them or because they cant have them. I wouldnt go round saying "oh i would never want to be childless"...its just about thinking before you speak and appreciating not everyone has the choices you have.
Vaccinations, everyone has the choice...it's therefore not a comparable example.

Stonefancier · 12/03/2020 11:28

"Women who take time out of work to be a SAHP are less educated than mums who choose to work"

Statistically, that's true, @NastiestThing. And it's not hard to see why -- if you've done multiple postgraduate degrees needed for your job, you're starting professionally far later than someone who entered the workforce after A-levels or even after a first degree, and aren't going to want to take years out to be a SAHM and risk a career you've worked very hard to get onto the bottom rung of. It's no slur on SAHMs.

burritofan · 12/03/2020 11:32

What I don't get is, if you genuinely don't think there is any problem with working full-time with a young child, why does it make you feel guilty?
Don't be obtuse. I think there's nothing wrong with working full-time, however I also don't have a choice. I would love to go part-time and spend some time with my daughter while she's little (for such a short time etc etc blah blah), but I don't have a choice. The outcome for her will be just the same, I imagine, as she won't remember/will thrive in nursery/get my dedicated company on weekends; it's me who misses out.

That's why the phrase is so fucking irritating – and why you're getting people's backs up on this thread. Of course working parents know their kids are only small once/these years go by so fast/etc. But lots of us DON'T HAVE A CHOICE. So this breezy "Oh, I couldn't work; oh, but you'll miss them being little; oh, but" bullshit is just goady judgementalness dressed up in faux tinkly-laugh concern.

burritofan · 12/03/2020 11:34

it's about what works for you and your values.
Forgot to add – it's not about values! That right there is a judgment on working women, that we value work more than spending time with our kids. It's usually about budgets and whether you can pay the mortgage and bills; or whether your career even offers part-time work or career breaks.

NastiestThing · 12/03/2020 11:37

value work more than spending time with our kids.

Nope, not what I was getting at. Some people need to work, that's true. Some parents don't have to work, could afford to stay at home, choose not to. For those parents it is about values, they value a certain way of life for their children that they couldn't have if they were a SAHP like tutoring or music lessons or lovely holidays etc, or latest gadgets, never struggling for school trips etc and being able to invest financially in their children's future education etc.

NastiestThing · 12/03/2020 11:39

Other parents stay at home even if it financially strains them and they have to go without more, because they value other things more. It doesn't make one right or not, and actually isn't about those who cannot sah.

GrumpyHoonMain · 12/03/2020 11:41

There are pros and cons of both approaches. One of the biggest pros of my mum working (to her) is that now she has retired she is able to treat her grandchildren to holidays and expensive gifts. My mil on the other hand was a sahm throughout and now relies entirely on my bil and DH to support her - she feels very uncomfortable asking them for money.

riddles26 · 12/03/2020 11:45

Stop taking it personally and do what works best for your family.

Your post sounds like a dig at those who stay at home the same way you seem to feel it is a dig at you when someone mentions it

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/03/2020 11:46

Some people need to work, that's true. Some parents don't have to work, could afford to stay at home, choose not to Yes and considering you dont know which one of those groups you may be speaking to, you would be well advised to be careful with spouting off some of your opinions. Hence my childless couple example.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/03/2020 11:47

I literally dont care what people do- the only people I envy are those with choices.
What choice people make I dont care.
I would just choose to be careful with what I say as you may not always be aware of people's circumstances.

AccountAntsy · 12/03/2020 16:01

For those parents it is about values, they value a certain way of life for their children that they couldn't have if they were a SAHP like tutoring or music lessons or lovely holidays etc, or latest gadgets, never struggling for school trips etc and being able to invest financially in their children's future education etc.

Values aren’t just about monetary things though is it? I take pride in my daughter having a working mum as a role model. That’s important to me. Of course if she chooses to have children when she grows up and chooses not to work I’ll be just as proud of her but I like that from the start she’s being brought up to understand that women’s role in the workplace is just as important as men’s. I didn’t have that growing up as my DM (who is frankly far more intelligent and capable than my DH) stayed at home with us and never got back into work at a level that befitted her skills. Her career was the expendable one.

I have a 2 year old DD and I’m chuffed to bits when she role plays “going to work like mummy” just as I feel warm and fuzzy when she imitates me in caring / family roles.

MsTSwift · 12/03/2020 17:56

The role model argument is quite funny. Have you met a teen?! Dd can’t tell me the jobs her friends parents do when I ask blank looks 😁 Dd2 adamant any job she does will be the opposite of what we do as our jobs deeply dull (solicitors)

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