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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - Still buying stuff for daughter at University

424 replies

Virgo28 · 10/03/2020 13:21

I'll try to give all details to save questions so please bear with me. DD and her BF both 1st year students at uni one on south coast and one up north so the only time they see each other is when they are home but still text etc each other. Me and DP have been to see daughter twice, once in November and again end of February and both times I have taken up a bag of goodies for her, stuff like biscuits, sweets, basically stuff that I have seen when shopping that I thought she might like as a treat or maybe an essential that she has mentioned she needs. She works hard, is getting good grades and also has a part time job between her studies as her student maintenance loan only just covers her rent. The girls had been talking and DD mentioned the weekend we visited and told BF the stuff we had done (tourist stuff) and the bits I had taken up to her. BF must of told her mum and the next day BF's mum is knocking on my door basically demanding I stop enabling and spoiling my DD because apparently I should be allowing my DD to be an adult and not interfer as it's not helping her learn "life lessons" I also should not be visiting her as this doesn't help her either. Who is being unreasonable here? It honestly didn't cross my mind, it was just a few bits and a day out exploring where she is because we'd never been there before DD started there. It's about 4 hours each way so we drove up Saturday morning, spent the afternoon and early evening together, stayed at hotel that night, took her to breakfast the following morning and then left lunchtime to come home.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 10/03/2020 13:35

I have no doubt your daughter very much appreciates your contributions.

I suspect BF's Mum was far more concerned that perhaps she looks pretty poor in comparison to her DD, rather than that you were stunting your DD's growth in independence.

OhMyGodTheyKilledKenny · 10/03/2020 13:35

OMG the friend's mum sounds like an interfering, hard-nosed so and so.

When we went to visit DD in November (this is her first year at uni) we mooched around the city with her , went out for dinner etc and then the next day took her food shopping as we had the car with us (she can only get to one supermarket on foot so we took her to Aldi which is out of town) - we paid for the shopping.

I also took a big homemade cake for her and her flatmates in halls as I thought it would be appreciated (it was!)

I'm also getting a bag of food bits together for her to take back after Easter (things she can't get at the supermarket she goes to, things that are on offer, some treats etc).

That woman is being very unreasonable

user1487194234 · 10/03/2020 13:35

have a look round the shops and buy her a few bits

Virgo28 · 10/03/2020 13:36

@Butterwhy - I know that BFs parents have never visited her or even sent anything. I think in her eyes I'm making her look bad or maybe feel guilty?

OP posts:
bestbefore · 10/03/2020 13:37

I'd send the BF a tuck box Wink Grin

Purpleartichoke · 10/03/2020 13:37

You are supposed to support your child through university. Care packages are an excellent way to help them transition.

The Bf’s mother is not a nice person.

Rezie · 10/03/2020 13:38

I'm 30 and my mum still buys me stuff. If we go shopping together, she will buy me something. I dont ask or expect it, she just likes to treat her kids. I think it's significantly weirder that parents refuse to visit their child and leaves them to survive on their own.

Nanny0gg · 10/03/2020 13:38

What the hell has it got to do with her anyway?

How well do you actually know her?

user14366425683113 · 10/03/2020 13:39

I regularly hear people with children at uni talking about having done similar to you. It's normal and lovely.

mathanxiety · 10/03/2020 13:40

Some people are completely lacking in self awareness, aren't they? What a fool she is making of herself.

Virgo28 · 10/03/2020 13:41

@Nanny0gg - girls have been friends since infant school so we all know each other well but have never moved in the same social circles so only ever saw each other at school, birthdays etc if that makes sense.

OP posts:
ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 10/03/2020 13:41

My son’s off to uni next year.. He’s an independent almost 18 year old, works part time on top of his studies, would always take the bus before asking me for a lift, etc, etc. I fully plan to on giving him the odd ‘care package’ just because I love him and I think it’s a nice thing to do.
The bf’s mum is maybe lashing out because you’ve shown her up or she feels guilty.

Sweetbabycheezits · 10/03/2020 13:41

Good grief! Carry on, OP, it's not as if your DD is lazy and selfish, demanding that you bring her things! My parents did the same when I was away at uni, and then living on my own. Now I live abroad with 2 children, and my parents still take us all out for meals and my mom stocks the cupboard with all my favourite treats when we visit. I will do exactly the same for my 2, it's lovely!

Thisismytimetoshine · 10/03/2020 13:43

The friend’s mum is an interfering busybody 😆
Did she have a go at you for buying Smiggle pencil cases when they were in Year 3, in case her dd demanded one too?

BoucleEponine · 10/03/2020 13:43

BF's mum is knocking on my door basically demanding I stop enabling and spoiling my DD because apparently I should be allowing my DD to be an adult and not interfer as it's not helping her learn "life lessons"

Hmm that really happened?

Isla727 · 10/03/2020 13:43

Basically your daughter's best friend's Mum has been quizzed by her own daughter about why she doesn't visit and bring treats? It's just simple jealousy.

Hotseat · 10/03/2020 13:44

My daughter is 30 lives in N.Z. and I send her stuff regularly. Tea bags, chocolates, sweets etc. Like you anything I see I think she might like. Agree that woman is bonkers.

Cinderellasma · 10/03/2020 13:44

I'm 40 and married with a really good job. My mum still brings me a bar of chocolate when she does her shop anytime I'm at home and would never dream of visiting anyone, including any of her kids empty handed.
Likewise neither would I. Don't change. You're not being an enabler. You're a totally normal mum.

BiddyPop · 10/03/2020 13:44

In our house, there were 2 boys going back to boarding school, 2 girls going to Uni in a city a couple of hours away and 2 girls going to uni in a city an hour away (the latter did live at home some years but away some) - there was a "run" on DM's larder every Sunday before the various departures.....rice, pasta, jars of sauce, toilet rolls, washing powder, veg from the garden (in productive months). The boys always got the "treats" as they had no access to cooking facilities (biscuits, crisps etc). Although if there had been a "baking", we all got something from that. But DM also used to get small bags of mince (rather than the massive bags she'd buy for at home) and sometimes a few other bits of meat from the local village butcher (where most of the meat came from the local fields). Some of the DC took just a few bits on occasion, while others took half the larder weekly.

They also visited all of us on occasion in our various abodes. (But we never tended to go out for meals - even on long journeys, we had always been used to a flask of tea and tinfoil wrapped sandwiches by the roadside).

Some of us got part time jobs while in Uni or over summer holidays. Others relied more heavily on the "bank of M&D" (and some, not necessarily the same ones but yeah, the same ones still do).

Some of us figured out where to go local to our Uni to get cheap but good food, while others only bought branded convenience goods in the supermarket.

And yet, none of us are living at home anymore. We are all independent adults, all capable in the kitchen, and manage our budgets our own ways (with different levels of success but all solvent).

So it's nice that we can look back on the support we got from DPs at the time, especially when they were dragged in so many different directions!! Grin

redteleflown · 10/03/2020 13:44

It's such a strange reaction on her part. If she's confident that what she's doing is absolutely the right thing, most people would just eye roll and forget about it.

She's obviously feeling insecure about it or maybe her daughter has had a bit of a "you don't care or bother" conversation with her mum and she's pointing her frustration at you. Really odd though.

Bakedbrie · 10/03/2020 13:44

Tell her to wind her neck in! Your DD, your business - nobody else’s, end of. Silly cow.

Gatehouse77 · 10/03/2020 13:44

Ignore her. There's more than one way to parent and you have no reason to change what you do.

I post the odd little treat to DS as it's lovely to get post and surprise on top.
We always take him out for a meal when we see him for a period of time and even if we're only popping in for a cuppa I'd take biscuits and fruit with me.

Virgo28 · 10/03/2020 13:44

Thank you for all the replies, I'm glad to see that I'm being a normal parent. The petty side of me will be taking TWO bags of goodies next month including an Easter Egg which I'm sure BFs mum will also disapprove of! FYI if she knocks on my door again I will be prepared.

OP posts:
Daftodil · 10/03/2020 13:45

Is this for real?! I can't imagine getting upset to the point I would bang on someone's door to tell them not to have a good relationship with their own child. Why does she care what you do and where you go?

MrsEricBana · 10/03/2020 13:45

She's put out because she didn't think to / want to / couldn't do the same for her dd. She is very unkind to take this out on you. You sound like a lovely mum.