AIBU - Still buying stuff for daughter at University

[Virgo28]

I'll try to give all details to save questions so please bear with me. DD and her BF both 1st year students at uni one on south coast and one up north so the only time they see each other is when they are home but still text etc each other. Me and DP have been to see daughter twice, once in November and again end of February and both times I have taken up a bag of goodies for her, stuff like biscuits, sweets, basically stuff that I have seen when shopping that I thought she might like as a treat or maybe an essential that she has mentioned she needs. She works hard, is getting good grades and also has a part time job between her studies as her student maintenance loan only just covers her rent. The girls had been talking and DD mentioned the weekend we visited and told BF the stuff we had done (tourist stuff) and the bits I had taken up to her. BF must of told her mum and the next day BF's mum is knocking on my door basically demanding I stop enabling and spoiling my DD because apparently I should be allowing my DD to be an adult and not interfer as it's not helping her learn "life lessons" I also should not be visiting her as this doesn't help her either. Who is being unreasonable here? It honestly didn't cross my mind, it was just a few bits and a day out exploring where she is because we'd never been there before DD started there. It's about 4 hours each way so we drove up Saturday morning, spent the afternoon and early evening together, stayed at hotel that night, took her to breakfast the following morning and then left lunchtime to come home.

[Thisismytimetoshine]

Oh, that’s lovely, Biddy 😊. Makes me feel very nostalgic...

[chuck7]

That's lovely of you. My mum does sweet little things like that for me now and again and I have 2 kids and a mortgage BF mum sounds like a dick

[Mrskeats]

That woman is a nutjob; tell her to mind her own business.

[NotNegan]

31. Own my house. Have a small child and a husband.
    
    My mum is always buying us all treats (usually chocolate relates!).
    
    I will still do the same for my son when he's grown up.
    
    It's absolutely nothing to do with BF's mum. Ignore.

[dayslikethese1]

So this woman thinks once your kid is 18 you never visit them? Weird.

[AParallelUniverse]

It's none of her business.

[PhoneTwattery]

Wow. It's literally none of her business! Even if your daughter was a lazy sponger with no job and failing at uni it's STILL literally none of her business!

[Pinkbunny2811]

I was ill a couple months back. I live with my boyfriend. My mum and dad came over and cooked me soup, then left again
Totally spoilt but I think it's just being a mum! It's these sorts of things that kids appreciate as they branch out by themselves.

I also used to go home from uni and 'borrow' loo roll from my mum and dads 😂

Don't feel weird about being a good mum. And tell your friend to mind her own business about what you do with your daughter!

[myusernamewastakenbyme]

Ive got 2 boys at uni and I put a little bit of cash in their accounts every so often...Ive also visited and taken them out for dinner etc...why wouldnt you??

[Fanthorpe]

When I’ve visited my DC’s on their ‘turf’ at uni it’s actually felt as though I am seeing them in their adult life, they’ve created it all. They’ve loved showing me the sights, chatting about what’s going on and going to a restaurant they wouldn’t normally be able to afford. Very precious time really, I’ve treasured it.

[WaxOnFeckOff]

I give my DSs money every month plus an occasional supermarket delivery. And I send him the odd extra bit of cash when I can. I think that obvs some parents can't afford to help and that's just life, but nothing wrong with helping and supporting if you can and want to.

The woman is batshit.

[ssd]

I treat ds as much as he let's me, its a fine line but I'll never stop treating them as long as I'm here.
My parents are dead now and I still remember taking mum out a few weeks before she died. We got a chippy between us and sat in the car to eat it. She opened it up and handed me the first chip. Automatically gave it to me instead of taking it for herself and we all know the first chip's the best.
She was still my mum, even though I cared for her and she was housebound and died not long later.
I'll always be their mum and if anyone ever has a problem with me treating my boys they can stick it where the sun don't shine frankly!
You carry on being you op.

[BlingLoving]

I feel sorry for BF. She's probably upset she doesn't get the same treatment from her mum, has said something, and now BF's mum is blaming you.

I got all of the above from my parents as well as .... WINE. My Dad sent me back every term with a small case! hahaha. I was popular.

When my mum died, I really felt petty but I miss this (obviously, it's not the biggest thing I miss). The small little things like her turning up with cute embroidered face cloths she spotted at a market or the small kitchen gadgets she'd wrap up at Christmas. She did that kind of thing a lot. It was how she showed she was always thinking of me. And I have many of these little things scattered around my house now, all of which bring me comfort when I see them.

[pinkyredrose]

How weird! What did you say to her when she said that?

[bellinisurge]

My lat mum used to do this for me none and then when she was still able to and in her 80s. And for my siblings. And I was the youngest in my early 50s. We are all a well travelled independent self reliant lot. She did it because she was Mum.

[MintyMabel]

It's irrelevant whether you should or shouldn't bring stuff to your child. She is entirely unreasonable to think it is her business and to decide to bring it to your door.

[Virgo28]

@Daftodil - Yes she really did which was why I was gobsmacked. Totally unlike the person I knew when I would see her at school functions etc, I'd have said she was quite laid back but since the girls left school I've probably only seen her a handful of times.

[gk6277]

My DC is 4th year. It makes me happy (and DC too) to buy DC treats / extras that DC might be reluctant to buy themself due to DC being careful to budget. I visit less often now than in first year, probably 2-3 times a year, and DC comes home / visits GP's with me approx 4 times a year. I do the majority of DC laundry, to save DC £. DC uni course is lots of hours pwk and includes long work placements, which can include evenings or weekend work, and makes PT work hard to fit in. SF does not cover all of DC rent. I am happy to help and support DC. I know DC appreciates it. If I visit I try to do a big supermarket shop of basics, as supermarket a distance from accommodation. DC does lots of bulk meal prep for freezer. I know DC may not eat properly without meal prep as DC gets in late and is exhausted, commuting to placements. I know DC has come along way in their independence over last 4 years. Although I do this for DC I am confident DC has learnt all life lessons, I am just supporting DC, it is an expression of love. Your DD BF mum is either jealous or nuts !!!

[Lindy2]

Absolutely no one has any right to tell you not to visit your child. Of course you visit! It sounds like you had a lovely day.

I'm in my 40s and my mum often brings me little gifts of biscuits and other nice things she's seen when shopping. I'm financially secure but she likes to do it. It's a lovely caring thing to do - at any age.

If anyone ever again tries to tell you what you can and can't do for your daughter, please do tell them that you absolutely do not need their involvement in your relationship and you will continue to be a parent in exactly the way you want to be.

[NomDeDieu]

The bf’s mum is crazy. My mum still does that to me and I am 50yo!
The difference is that I also do it fir her when I go and see her.
They are just small gesture that show you care.

[sam221]

The BF Mum is completely off her rocker!!!
It is perfectly normal to visit your child and help them with shopping on visits. Care packages are also very well appreciated and received.
When i used to visit, I paid for all meals/activities and even gave them money/vouchers to spend.
I think its sort of sad, if she is happy to just cut her child off.

[CarolineIngalls]

I am 46, DH is 51 we have 3 kids and are well established in our professions. In nearly every way we function well as adults.

When my mum visits she buys groceries. Trying to refuse hurts her feelings. I funnel the money back to her in other ways, but it is all very sweet and loving.

[MintyMabel]

no doubt there will be another bag of stuff going with us.

Of you intend to continue, what's your AIBU?

[Biker47]

I'd take your daughter twice as must next time, and if the mother turns up on your doorstep again, I'd just laugh in her face and tell her to fuck off.

[SisyphusLangClegRocks]

Like a PP said, it's most likely she's pissed off because her daughter's wondering why she's not doing the same thing.

I helped my daughter move into halls and bought her a few home comforts to settle in. Nothing expensive, just knick knacks and some of her favourite food.

She was working as well as studying so I wanted to encourage her. She was the first person in the family to go to uni so I was very rightly proud of her achievements, as you are of you daughter's.

You aren't doing anything wrong OP. She's your daughter, so don't listen to the other parent, as she's very clearly batshit.