AIBU - Still buying stuff for daughter at University

[Virgo28]

I'll try to give all details to save questions so please bear with me. DD and her BF both 1st year students at uni one on south coast and one up north so the only time they see each other is when they are home but still text etc each other. Me and DP have been to see daughter twice, once in November and again end of February and both times I have taken up a bag of goodies for her, stuff like biscuits, sweets, basically stuff that I have seen when shopping that I thought she might like as a treat or maybe an essential that she has mentioned she needs. She works hard, is getting good grades and also has a part time job between her studies as her student maintenance loan only just covers her rent. The girls had been talking and DD mentioned the weekend we visited and told BF the stuff we had done (tourist stuff) and the bits I had taken up to her. BF must of told her mum and the next day BF's mum is knocking on my door basically demanding I stop enabling and spoiling my DD because apparently I should be allowing my DD to be an adult and not interfer as it's not helping her learn "life lessons" I also should not be visiting her as this doesn't help her either. Who is being unreasonable here? It honestly didn't cross my mind, it was just a few bits and a day out exploring where she is because we'd never been there before DD started there. It's about 4 hours each way so we drove up Saturday morning, spent the afternoon and early evening together, stayed at hotel that night, took her to breakfast the following morning and then left lunchtime to come home.

[zeddybrek]

Sorry haven't read the full thread.

What you did is very normal, my parents and lots of my uni mates parents did this too and this was a while ago. Perfectly normal parent stuff. You sound lovely OP. Carry on and enjoy the nice relationship you have with your daughter. BF mum though, she is mad. Ignore her.

[Icypop]

Once a term my parents would buy me a full food shop. Omg it was amazing!!! I will be doing the same for my kids in the future should they go to uni...

[Mlou32]

BFs mum is bonkers. Tell her it is none of her bloody business what you treat your daughter to! Lots of people at uni get care packages or a shop done when their parents visit, it is totally normal. Next time this woman comes to your door, tell her to f right off!

[Janus]

She’s bonkers!!
Sent mine back this week with some salad, salmon, avocados, crackers, and a Starbucks voucher!!
Ok, I could be hard on her but she pays to come back and see us and I love the idea of giving her a bag of shopping she’d not easily afford.
I find it very odd and rude how anyone would try and dictate what money you chose to spend on your child.

[moolady1977]

My DD isn't at uni but lives about 30 minutes away and when I get a day off work if she isn't busy we will meet up I'll treat her to a cafe meal or maybe a pub meal and a couple of pints and she always goes home with at least one bag full of treats ,her house share always know when we have had a day out and can't wait to see what goodies she has ,this week she has had jeans a blanket and a bag full of goodies and tomorrow will have goodies and a little something for her friends little two . My DD is not the only one who gets treats my two ds get them as well as do the 2 grand kids and my oh 2 kids . The other mum is crackers just because they turn 18 and don't live at home doesn't mean you can't treat them

[Janus]

God I sound like a bit of a knob! What I meant was I send her back with treats and luxuries she wouldn’t afford! (Avocados 🙄😂!)

[Lennie16]

You are perfectly normal and it sounds as if you are enjoying being a parent- it’s exactly what I did. I personally don’t know any other parents who wouldn’t do as you did. Although I became aware of some girls who had no parental visits during their uni time, I was told they were really hurt by their parents lack of interests and were often really upset, It’s such a joy to be still be involved in your child’s life as they go through adulthood- gaining independence is vital but these acts of love are vital too. You sound a really lovely mom.

[Florawest]

Each to their own but when I used to visit my daughter in another country ( in uni), We always ate out, bought her few pieces of clothing and always left a little thank you card with some money in it. ( as sometimes, well most times stayed with her)
When she did bit grocery shopping, I would pay for that too, sure it's what we do, for me I get great satisfaction in giving, never mind that mum, you should say to her " try it sometime it is a perfectly normal thing to do, majority of people I know do that".

Enjoy your next visit and pack few extra goodies 😁😁

[Thisismytimetoshine]

All of life’s little essentials covered there, Janus

[EssexBint]

My daughters do that to me - always saying that so-and-so's mum gives them (at least 3x) more pocket money than I gave them, or that other mothers always ferried their children around, gave them their new mobile phones when they upgraded, blah blah. My response was always '.... so go and live with them then and leave me in peace ...'! Sounds like the BF may have been winding her mum up - she'll be mortified once (if) she hears that her mum has been round to yours!! Just carry on as you want. It'll all blow over.

[Namechangeforthegamechange]

My eldest at uni and I bought her everything to start her up stocked her up with food and left her cash and vouchers for shops. She comes home a lot now (boyfriend) and always goes home with tank of petrol a few cooked meals and bits and bobs. She’s actually saved a lot of money so doesn’t need it but I will always do it. My darling mum used to bring bags of fruit and biscuits and odd bits of clothes for my kids most weeks, I miss her 💔

[Jessie9323]

I lived away for my job and my mum would send little boxes with goodies in, I loved it and it made me feel closer to her! Keep doing what you are doing

[imacmum]

I think most mums and dads help out their student children if they can and the students look forward to their visits because they know they will get some goodies and a decent meal, and some new clothes in my daughters case because the shops are so good. It’s good for their mental health to keep in touch with their family, and there are far too many students struggling with theirs, without restricting family contact. Ignore her comments and do what suits you

[SpangleSparkle]

Keep doing what you’re doing, it’s the right thing. Your friend is BU to even mention this

[Localocal]

You are right and BF mum is very unpleasant. My oldest went to uni this year and I have "popped" (London to Cornwall) down to visit him every three or four weeks, just for short visits (like an afternoon.) And yes, I take him little treats and go to nice places with him It may be excessive, but it works for us, so it's no one else's concern.

I'm hoping to stretch it to five or six weeks between visits next year, but if I miss my son I'm just going to go see him!

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

Totally normal to treat your kids when they're at uni. Lots of my friends had money left for shopping when their parents visited, or they took them grocery shopping. Almost always I'd be taken out for dinner at a local pub and my parents would also invite my housemate who's parents were unable to visit so she didn't feel left out.

My mum posted me a birthday box of goodies and decorations when I was at uni

[clarehhh]

Nothing to do with her.Ignore her.Normal behaviour with child at Uni.She is working too it is not as if she spent all her money and you bail her out!

[Grannyjo1957]

You sound lovely. I visited my daughter when she was at uni. It didn't cross my mind not to. I did the same as you - took a few things, went shopping with her. I just think its part and parcel of being a parent. She's none the worse for it.

[Hopoindown31]

"Thanks for your opinion, I'll let you know the next time I want it."

[FlossyChick]

You are being a lovely, supportive parent. Going to uni doesn’t mean you are suddenly not to be cared for, this sounds like you are doing the normal things parents do when their children are at uni. You are great- well done!

[neverdoingthatagain100]

What is your daughters opiion of your behaviour?
I think bf mum is nuts.
I will be treating my children for the rest of my life I hope, it's my pleasure.
You sound very supportive
As long as your daughter is happy about it,
It sounds like bf mum is jealous or feels disadvantaged that she can't do the same

[JKScot4]

I visit my DD every 2 weeks, she’s only 50 miles away, I always take her some homemade food and baking; at her request.
I treat her to lunch, but her treats, I’ve not stopped being her mum or living her because she’s at uni.
The BF mum is a bloody roaster; coming to your door!!

[SnoozyLou]

I would tell BF DM to sod off.

In the nicest possible way, of course.

[Poliann]

YANBU I always took goodies when I visited my daughter, I used to visit about every 6wks and I even sent her a tesco food delivery a few times. I admit I was over the top but I missed her and always wanted to do something nice for her. I had a bit of children leaving the nest syndrome so it helped me deal with feeling lonely. She was fine with it, she made loads of friends and was always out and about but still loved it when we visited or treated her.

[Blacksheepcat]

My daughter will be leaving to go to uni this year 😩. I will be cooking extra portions, freezing them and taking them to her, along with buying her treats/essentials. I wouldn’t want to see my daughter struggling for a start but aside from that the loans are mean tested and the parents are supposed to make up the rest anyway.
This mother has basically had her inadequacies shown up and is trying to blame you for that.
You’re a great Mum, keep doing what you’re doing!