AIBU - Still buying stuff for daughter at University

[Virgo28]

I'll try to give all details to save questions so please bear with me. DD and her BF both 1st year students at uni one on south coast and one up north so the only time they see each other is when they are home but still text etc each other. Me and DP have been to see daughter twice, once in November and again end of February and both times I have taken up a bag of goodies for her, stuff like biscuits, sweets, basically stuff that I have seen when shopping that I thought she might like as a treat or maybe an essential that she has mentioned she needs. She works hard, is getting good grades and also has a part time job between her studies as her student maintenance loan only just covers her rent. The girls had been talking and DD mentioned the weekend we visited and told BF the stuff we had done (tourist stuff) and the bits I had taken up to her. BF must of told her mum and the next day BF's mum is knocking on my door basically demanding I stop enabling and spoiling my DD because apparently I should be allowing my DD to be an adult and not interfer as it's not helping her learn "life lessons" I also should not be visiting her as this doesn't help her either. Who is being unreasonable here? It honestly didn't cross my mind, it was just a few bits and a day out exploring where she is because we'd never been there before DD started there. It's about 4 hours each way so we drove up Saturday morning, spent the afternoon and early evening together, stayed at hotel that night, took her to breakfast the following morning and then left lunchtime to come home.

[MrKlaw]

oh, Best Friend. Thought it was BoyFriend and was getting confused

[Highlandcathedral]

BF mum is nuts. I think previous posters have it when they say that her daughter has asked why she doesn’t do this. I certainly did with both my (now grown up) children when they were away at university. Often we would go and get a supermarket shop too.

My DH friends from university (they graduated 35 years ago or so) still talk fondly about his mum visiting with a food box, always with a half bottle of whisky hidden somewhere in there.

[Bbang]

BF mum sounds nuts! Do whatever you want with your daughter how dare she think she has any right to tell you how to parent! My children are little but I’ll be doing similar for them when they go to uni (if they want to go that is) what’s wrong with a bag of goodies and a nice meal.

[BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou]

BFs Mum is out of order. I not only visited my DD a couple of times a year (with goodies) but I regularly sent her parcels with little treats in.

[Virgo28]

@BlingLoving - We have supplied alcohol previously including a bottle of vodka that DP got for Christmas but doesn't like but she never mentioned alcohol in her speech so I'm assuming DD never told BF about it.

[Shockers]

How did you respond?

[TheMagiciansMewTwo]

Perhaps OP's DD complained to her BF and BF offered to get her mum to have a word with OP.

Does your DD invite you to visit her OP? Or do you ask if you can come?

[HoffiCoffi13]

I’m 35. We have a six figure household income. This morning my dad took me and baby DS out for breakfast and bought me a few bottles of nice wine from a new wine shop that has opened nearby, as a treat. He does it because he likes to:
I’m perfectly capable of standing on my own two feet!
BF’s mum feels bad because she doesn’t do the same.

[Astrabees]

OP, I think this is the normal order of things. Because my two sons were doing courses that made it difficult to work while at university ( though both worked each and every holiday) we used to send money and take stuff with us when we visited. We would usually go once a term to the distant northern university DS2 atttended, + collect and deliver each term. DS1 was closer so always once a term, sometimes twice. I know from when I was a student how happy it made me when my father would give me £5 and top up my car with petrol and my mother would hand over a bag of Jaffa Cakes and mini rolls. I'm afraid BF's mother is the one who is out of synch.

[Wonkybanana]

I'm just feeling sorry for the BF. To have a mother who never visits, never spoils her a bit - it must rub it for her when she hears what you do for your own DD (not that I'm suggesting for one moment that you shouldn't).

[Bringringbring12]

My mother wrote me a postcard every fortnight for my entire three years of university.

The university was just over an hour away from home.

[kateandme]

pp saying its been too often.you could go every week and it wouldnt be! if you are just being a mum it doesnt matter how many times you see them.it doesnt mean your not letting them grow up.it means you get on with your child!

[Floribundance]

’not interfere as it's not helping her learn "life lessons"

Lesson being that the friend’s mother is an arsehole.

[Stonerosie67]

Wow, I always used to take ds a big box of food, drink and slip him a few quid whenever we went to visit. We also used to take him out for a nice meal, to somewhere he'd never normally afford to go to.
There's also a Company Shop near us, which is ridiculously cheap, so we'd go and raid that, and take a box of communal groceries (pasta, jars of sauce etc) to share among his flatmates....that woman would want me burned at the stake!!

[AryaStarkWolf]

But you've visited in Nov, Feb and are planning another visit in April? I do think that's too often.

Depends on your relationship with your child though/the type of person they are, my daughter would definitely want visitors if she were further away for uni

[Glittercandle]

I just popped over to my mum’s, I took a doughnut and bread rolls for her as when I saw them in the shop this morning thought she may like them. It would be sad not to treat people from time to time!

[kateandme]

HoffiCoffi13 what a perfect morning

[userxx]

When i bought my first house my mum would give me weekly food parcels - I was late 20's!!! Nothing wrong with it whatsoever.

[Virgo28]

@HaddawayAndShite - I opened the door, we exchanged hellos and then she said that she had been talking to her DD who mentioned that we had visited our DD again and taken bags of shopping with us. I confirmed we had been up and taken some stuff with us, which is when she told me that maybe going to see her and taking stuff was not a good idea.

[professionalnomad]

I'm 37 and my mum always buys me treats

She is retired and I am working full time. I live abroad so whenever I go home there is always a bag of goodies she has picked up since my last visit. Make up samples, fancy jams, little tins etc.

I love that she is always thinking of me.

[JellyfishandShells]

Life lessons - ffs . The bf mother sounds mean and petty.

[GabriellaMontez]

Another 40 something here who gets treats from her mum still! These days they're reciprocated and she gets random treats back.

[Waterandlemonjuice]

YANBU, BF’s mum is deranged!

[TheMagiciansMewTwo]

Arya yy that was why I asked if OP's DD invites her to visit or if OP asks to visit. That would shed light on their relationship and on how her DD is viewing the frequency.
I have a DSIS who was constantly fabricating excuses to visit the university town where her DD was studying. Her DD was living in a flat and started inviting friends to stay so she could tell DSIS that she couldn't