AIBU - Still buying stuff for daughter at University

[Virgo28]

I'll try to give all details to save questions so please bear with me. DD and her BF both 1st year students at uni one on south coast and one up north so the only time they see each other is when they are home but still text etc each other. Me and DP have been to see daughter twice, once in November and again end of February and both times I have taken up a bag of goodies for her, stuff like biscuits, sweets, basically stuff that I have seen when shopping that I thought she might like as a treat or maybe an essential that she has mentioned she needs. She works hard, is getting good grades and also has a part time job between her studies as her student maintenance loan only just covers her rent. The girls had been talking and DD mentioned the weekend we visited and told BF the stuff we had done (tourist stuff) and the bits I had taken up to her. BF must of told her mum and the next day BF's mum is knocking on my door basically demanding I stop enabling and spoiling my DD because apparently I should be allowing my DD to be an adult and not interfer as it's not helping her learn "life lessons" I also should not be visiting her as this doesn't help her either. Who is being unreasonable here? It honestly didn't cross my mind, it was just a few bits and a day out exploring where she is because we'd never been there before DD started there. It's about 4 hours each way so we drove up Saturday morning, spent the afternoon and early evening together, stayed at hotel that night, took her to breakfast the following morning and then left lunchtime to come home.

[thegreylady]

When I visited my dc at university part of every visit was a trip to the supermarket where they could fill a trolley with anything except alcohol! We always enjoyed it very much. I still treat them now, the oldest is 50 and the youngest 45.

[Blackdoggotmytonguestill]

Norma this thread is from March. No need to bump a zombie.

[normajean73]

How friggin RUDE! How DARE she ! Take no notice hun, my mom still comes to visit me and brings me treats, and I’m 46 and have my own adult daughter! My guess is she is feeling guilty about not doing the same for her own daughter. If you were to suddenly take this stupid woman’s ‘advice’ (I use that word in the loosest terms!), and stopped visiting and taking her treats, your daughter I’m sure would be hurt and confused. My own daughter goes to Uni in September, and I intend to visit her and take her treats as much as I can. You sound like a lovely, loving mom, my other bet is this woman is jealous of the relationship you have with your daughter. Ignore her!

[CSIblonde]

Well she sounds charming. Ignore her, it's lovely you visit & treat her My parents visited me. One of my nicest, most precious memories is my Dad popping to see me as he was passing on business & taking me to lunch. He died 6months later. Cherish every minute.

[CaraCrisp]

I would have absolutely loved one of my family to do this for me at uni. My best friend had care packages and it always made me jealous.
I think your doing a nice thing for you DD, she probably doesn't have money for luxury's or days out. I bet you have lovely quality time together.
Ignore the other mum. She maybe feels bad that she doesn't/ can't do the same. I would just leave it and not say or do anything back however as she may be jealous that she doesn't have that kind of relationship with her DD.

[robinsnest1967]

My daughter is a 1st year student around 3 hours away and sometimes I send her a little jiffy bag with sweets and £5 in or if she comes down to see me I'll take her to lunch and buy a few tins etc for her to take back. I miss having her around to treat and it feels lovely to see her.

[Nettie1964]

Be patient is nuts. Does being a mother stop at 18? My daughter is a single mum of 2 small girls I visit buy. Her shopping and do whatever I can. She's my daughter I love her. I pay for meals for my son's and bits if I think they would like them they are in their 30s and don't need me to help. It's a mum parent thing tell bfs mother to butt out.

[ShayAndBlueSeeker]

When my dc go to university I’m going with them to be their roommate! This is their plan by the way, but they’re still in infant school. If the plan changes in 10 years when they actually DO go to university then I will make do with visiting every month or so and will definitely bring them bags of treats and essentials. Obvs. They’re not spoiled children now and I hope they’ll still be delightful when they’re older. You sound totally normal OP!

[QuiteForgetful]

The woman was rude and kind of crazy going to your home to say that! My mother was very cold, and non-nurturing, my BF had a mother like you. I thought she was so lucky to have dp's like she had.

[Bonjovi50fan]

I think she is being very rude and its none of her business. My son is at uni and I buy him some groceries shampoo socks etc. She is your daughter and its up to you.

[leesylou]

Take no notice. Her outburst was probably fuelled by guilt because she hasn’t done the same for her DD. Either that or her DD has asked her to do the same and it has annoyed her. It’s none of her business what you give to, or how many times you visit, your daughter.

[damnitnotlistening]

You sound like an amazing mom. Of course you bring your daughter treats. That's what we do. It shows you care. It shows you love her and I bet it makes your daughter feel amazing. Keep doing what you're doing. Don't give it a second thought.
If you have a dog encourage it to pee on bfs mom next time she has a complaint.

[glennamy]

I'd tell her it is none of her business what I do with your time or money, she obviously feels bad she doesn't do this!

If she tries this CF again, tell her she is more than welcome to go forth and multiply!

I'd find out what treats her son likes (from DD) and send him something for himself!

[msgreen]

A touch of the guilty she doesn’t do the same ? It’s a normal thing to visit your child
And take things Your a mum that’s what mums do ,maybe her offspring won’t let her visit ,
Green eyed monster cometh knocking at your door for sure

[LovelyIssues]

You don't sound like your spoiling her! She's working hard, doing well and your given her a little treat you sound lovely.

[scubadive]

Why would you even consider reflecting on your behaviour towards your own children because if comments made by a jealous mum???

Your daughters BF is obviously wishing her mum would do the same and she now feels guilty and so is blaming you.

I make spare meals at home and put them in the freezer and take them up or give them to my son when he is home. Why not, it’s showing that you care.

I gave him a whole load before Xmas when he was really buepsy with exams and coursework, he said it helped him enormously and was very grateful.

A friend told me she busted once a month with food parcels and to take her son out for a nice Sunday lunch. During his finals she visited every week (11/2 hours away) so that he could focus on his studies. I thought this was lovely, very kind and supportive. Why wouldn’t you if you can.

[lissie123]

My DS is in his last year at Uni. We have occasionally visited during term time and taken him out for lunch or dinner and top up and shopping he needed at our expense. He’s working hard doing well and it’s a pleasure to see him thrive. The occasional treat isn’t going to damage his chances of becoming a fully functioning adult.

[CoraPirbright]

Keep doing what you are doing!! You sound like a lovely mum (my parents did similar and I loved when they came to visit and took great pride in showing them around and letting them see the life I had built for myself). The best friend’s mum sounds horrible and I cannot, for the life of me, follow any thought process that brought her to your front door to say such things!!

[Shirls22]

All 3 of my kids went to uni in different parts of the country, they never had any money, they lived frugally. My two boys always appreciated a visit from mum with a bag full of goodies and my daughter welcomed visits, goody bags and the odd overnight stay. One weekend I met up with the mums of some of her housemates and all mums and daughters went out partying, we treated them to breakfast next morning and bought groceries to help them out. My kids are all now in their 30 s, very sensible about money, with reasonable careers and still incredibly grateful for the small helpful things, like food shopping every now and then when they were hard up at uni. I would say keep doing what you feel right for your daughter, uni is a stressful time and a stepping stone between teenage and adulthood and will help her to know you are always there in the background supporting her. I feel sorry though for her BF

[Pixxie7]

She is your daughter and if you want to see her or treat her that’s your right.

[eaglejulesk]

BF's Mum is being ridiculous!! Whatever her thoughts, she should keep them to herself. I would be closing the door if she ever knocked on mine again. I'm 60 and my Dad still gives me a treat or two now and again.

I'm all for fostering independence by the way, but if you can't do something nice for your children we are living in a pretty grim world. Carry on as you are OP, and I'm sure your daughter appreciates it, which is all that matters, and it is totally normal behaviour.

[HostessTrolley]

Haha I sent my uni daughter a kilo tub of peanut butter on amazon prime the other day because she was saying how expensive the decent stuff is and she ran out. I like to know she’s eating something nutritious and the parcel arriving made her smile x

[Atthebottomofthegarden]

Dear God she’s weird! Her poor DD 😰

[StillMedusa]

I regularly sent my girls packages when they were at Uni..often surprise ones if they needed cheering up..and I always took them to do a big shop when I visited, as did most of the other parents as far as I could tell!
I also sent them food money each week, just to help a little. They both worked through Uni even though there were doing medicine and nursing respectively, so were hardly sponging off us!

I'm 52 and whenever I visit my Mum she insists on giving me 'pocket money'!!!! (Ok that IS ridiculous I know but it makes her happy )

BF mother is definitely not the usual!

[Blacksheepcat]

My daughter will be leaving to go to uni this year 😩. I will be cooking extra portions, freezing them and taking them to her, along with buying her treats/essentials. I wouldn’t want to see my daughter struggling for a start but aside from that the loans are mean tested and the parents are supposed to make up the rest anyway.
This mother has basically had her inadequacies shown up and is trying to blame you for that.
You’re a great Mum, keep doing what you’re doing!