Moving away but MIL applying pressure

[duckfacetwo]

So looking to leave London, usual story want more space, less pollution, etc. Currently we live near both my parents & inlaws. My parents are looking to downsize & are likely to move near us as my brother moved to the area last yr. However MIL who is fairly involved with my dc is starting to panic (her only gc & doesn't drive) she is saying we are deserting her as she is alone, the gc will see my family all the time, etc. I feel guilty but not sure what to say to her. She's now starting to say she will "give" us money to stay (she has a few properties) & whilst it's a nice gesture I feel like it's a carrot or would have too many conditions as she can be a little controlling & would just rather move. We are talking 2 hours in car so not thousands of miles away but she currently sees the gc 1-2 a week which won't happen once we move.

If she is that worried, she could always sell up herself

Giving you money to stay doesn’t make the pollution go away.

Plus if you still then decided to move after that imagine how guilty you would then feel !

How old is MIL? How old are your DC, are they getting to the age where seeing GPs twice a week would be hard anyway due to clubs, activities, friends etc?

Any chance she could move closer, although if she is rather controlling you might not want her to?

How does your DH feel about this? Is he happy with the idea of moving, especially as it seems quite centred round your family.

It is ridiculous and unreasonable to allow your MIL to dictate how you live your life and where you choose to do so. She has her life, you have yours. If you stay, what's the next thing she will try to lord over?

I would avoid a conditional gift like that at all costs. You will just feel trapped.
Suggest that she also leaves London if there is nothing else but her GC keeping her there OR print off the bus/train routes she can take to visit, assure her there will always be space for her to stay (within reason).

Tell her she's welcome to join you.

My first thought was why doesn’t she move too.

There would be conditions to the money. I would move but try your best to see her as much as possible.

She can move too or buy a railcard.

Don't feel guilty. Your life, your choice. I doubt her 'gift' would come without strings. If she wants to be near you, she can always sell up and move, too - at least, you won't be able to stop her. But maybe you'd like a bit of distance between you? If she does move, make it clear that this is her choice and doesn't tie to you anything in the future, ie if a dream job comes up in Australia, you're off.

2hrs in a car is quite a long way (possibly longer and expensive on public transport) and a drive you won't be doing regularly so I understand why your mil is upset and seeing as this is all centred around your family she knows she will be left out but of course you if both you and your husband are happy with the move you can't let her pressure you

It’s reasonable for her to be distressed at the prospect of no longer living close to her grandchildren. It’s not reasonable for her to try to bribe you to stay.

She will just have to decide whether she wants to sell up and follow you, or live part time in London and part time in the new area, or stay in London and travel down regularly. She’s fortunate to be in a position (with the multiple properties) to have those options.

Decline the offer. You have every right to bring up your family where you want. If she is that worried she can move herself surely

Good grief! Lots of children move to the other side of the world to live, you are only going 2 hours away. If she is that concerned she can move to be nearer you, but please don't give up your dream for her.

I think how she feels is understandable but if you are quite sure you want to move do it and find some way of seeing her regularly. Find out what conditions there would be to her giving you money, impress upon her that a gift should be unconditonal and then weigh up pros and cons. Presumably your husband would inherit when she dies, many people like to give while they are still alive.

Not all of London is heavily polluted, there are many green spaces within and nearby. I live in London and wouldn't want to live anywhere else but each to their own.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Wow, I thought you were going to say that you we're moving very far away, given your MIL's reaction.

2 hours in the car isn't much. It's not as if she will never see them. She's being very over the top.

Maybe set up a regular visit. I don't know what your schedule is like but as an example you could suggest that she gets to see the GC the first Saturday of every month as a standing thing. You could arrange other stuff too so she sees more of them, but just having that fixed, dedicated slot in her calendar might ease her worries a bit.

Obviously you should still move.
But I feel sad for your mil, I really do, I would be bereft if my son and dil moved away.....but firstly I would never say so to them and secondly, we would move too.
We live in greater London and I know they are talking about moving out once babies start to arrive (still waiting, lol)
But, we are ready to move right out anyway, so its doable for us.
Again, I do feel sad for your mil, but please dont let it dictate your choice.

A 2 hour drive is often too much for former Londoners to make and public transport takes even longer. She’s right that this move seems to be all about your family and she may not see the GP again - what has your DH done to encourage her to come with you?

I don’t see why the husband should be encouraging her to come with them?

She doesn’t drive. 2 hours in the car is irrelevant. What about public transport? Could you thank her for the offer and suggest instead she sell / remortgage one off her houses and buy something near you to live in part time? That way she gets to see your dcs regularly and continue her London life.

@Redfromfragglerocksmum

"I don’t see why the husband should be encouraging her to come with them?"

Because he is her Son and considering things mustcbe well between them, he should address his Mother's concerns about being lonely and isolated. It isn't just young people's mental health that's important.

The OP's closest relatives will have moved to where they are going. It might be an option for his Mother, also. Either way he needs to address her fears, which most people would do for relatives that they are close to.

Good luck with this. Sounds a tricky one. Would she consider moving? Can you frame it that it’s all for kids - air quality...they need this, she loves them...FaceTime is wonderful. My son talks to his nanny every other day. Also, as fellow Londoner - missing the point I know - but can you say roughly where you’re headed that’s cleaner air? Son has just been diagnosed asthma. Thanks!!

@ Redfromfragglerocksmum - because OP has encouraged her family to move with them. It’s only fair for her DP to try to encourage his mum. Children don’t just have one set of grandparents

She could move or get on a train. Don't give in to blackmail. Been there and it does not work!

Decline the offer and do what you want/need to do for your family.