Moving away but MIL applying pressure

[duckfacetwo]

So looking to leave London, usual story want more space, less pollution, etc. Currently we live near both my parents & inlaws. My parents are looking to downsize & are likely to move near us as my brother moved to the area last yr. However MIL who is fairly involved with my dc is starting to panic (her only gc & doesn't drive) she is saying we are deserting her as she is alone, the gc will see my family all the time, etc. I feel guilty but not sure what to say to her. She's now starting to say she will "give" us money to stay (she has a few properties) & whilst it's a nice gesture I feel like it's a carrot or would have too many conditions as she can be a little controlling & would just rather move. We are talking 2 hours in car so not thousands of miles away but she currently sees the gc 1-2 a week which won't happen once we move.

Never ever take money from someone who is a "little bit controlling". They will almost certainly become more than a "little bit controlling" we were put under pressure not to move by MIL. Not offered money to stay thankfully but it put a strain on the relationship which hasn't really properly recovered. The move was a dream move for us and we felt properly put out that she expected us to give up our dream to keep her happier. She even went behind our back to DC to try and get them on her side. Unfortunately for her it was also DC dream move as well

You have to do what is right for you. Make the move and then you can sort out visiting.

My sister has never left the place she was born, went to her local university so my parents are still there too. My Dh comes from my home town but we both went far away to university and have sincce lived in several places, some a 3+ hour drive away from our home town. I think it is more difficult for the ones we leave behind.

MIL doesn’t need to drive. London has good rail links with Kent and Sussex, and it’s always worth living near a station so DC are not dependent on car use. Train fares are extortionate, but MIL can afford them, and it’s not long distance. MIL could have a weekend in the country once a month or so, and the kids could have a day out or a weekend up in London, with lots of interesting things to do.

Best of luck with your move. It makes a lot of sense with DC.

Yes DH will be commuting and his journey time won't be much different & less sweaty.

We will suggest a holiday place but she's very passive in terms of action. Only has these properties due to inheritance, she wouldn't have actively invested in them if that makes sense.

The money is a bit of a red herring as we wouldn't really consider taking it to stay & likely we would have to move at some point anyway for secondary schools.

Thanks for everyone's advice, it's reassured me I'm not an evil dil & some solutions to ease her upset.

I would say make the move that's best for you. But also have some compassion, unlike some people here, for your MiL. You don't need to feel guilty but just empathise with her a bit. However, it sounds like you do anyway. It's okay for people to feel sad about not seeing their grandchildren. I'm a bit older myself. I have my own life and wouldn't guilt my children into living near me. But I would adore seeing my children/grandchildren regularly and therefore be sad if they moved away.

Having a good friend network where she is is a good thing. Being upset that you are moving away is also normal but putting pressure on you is not.

Obviously it is harder when your DC move away when you are older, but having money will help. So she can pay for having help round the house etc. She has money for social activities. Like other PP I agree that a solution may be for her to buy a flat (possibly a retirement one)/holiday home near you, so she can come and stay for longish periods of time. Get to know the area for activities that suit her and meeting other people, as well as spending time with you. So maybe when she is a bit older she may decide that it is time to move closer to you.

Why are people saying the OP shouldn’t move and should find away to ease MIL’s worries/make her a room blah blah?

If it was the other way around and MIL was moving two hours away and her son and DIL were upset about it people would be screaming “She’s allowed her own life! Geez!” And other such lines.

You should follow your dreams, whilst remembering that perhaps you are changing the dreams of the future of others. Would tread carefully.

My dad decided he was moving when I was 3 months pregnant - after all the talk of wanting to be an involved grandad... "oh we'll visit every other month, and you can come to us every other month", "let's put it all on the calendar", it ended up with us seeing him twice a year.

Our relationship was never the same again. I still resent him really - 12 years after he died - for going - he was well within his rights, he had his dreams, we waved him off cheerily, provided every support he needed, but I still resent the loss of our relationship, the fact he never got to know his granddaughters.

If you want to see her, or maintain the relationship it will take effort. All the talk on here is about the effort SHE will have to make after you explode her dreams to follow yours. If you make no effort she will feel unloved and unwanted and abandoned. I'm guessing she can see this happening.

I can understand why she is upset, but I don't think that it should stop you.

I like the previous suggestion of having a bit if a schedule of going up to see her once a month/two months, and her coming to you the same frequency. Also if you are looking at Kent/Sussex borders I don't think it requires a full day/weekend to go to London.

We've got a similar situation where due to a variety of reasons we live 15 minutes from both sets of parents, and I know my brother is very sad that my parents have gone from 10 mins away to an hour away. Similarly BIL and SIL both live abroad and I know they feel sad their children don't see Gran every week like DS does. It's hard but you can't feel guilty for doing what you think is best for your family.

2 hours by car in Kent to London can often be the same or less by train.

Move and don't feel guilty. However, I would schedule in a weekend for her to stay when the dust is settled and give her the travel itinerary. Once she has done it, venturing forth to visit you will be less of a burden.

I am probably around the age of your MIL with GC maybe 2h away. I wouldn’t want to move near them full time as I have ties to where I live now. If I could afford it (which I can’t but it sounds as if your MIL can) I would love to have a small house near my GC to make it easy to visit for a couple of days. Why not help her with the logistics of swapping out one of her properties for one near where you move to?

Of course I will make the effort to facilitate the relationship. I do that now but she won't see them twice a week, I'm just being realistic.

Set up a nice spare room for her and encourage her to come and stay. My DC have a closer relationship with DGP that live hundreds of miles away than those that live 5 miles away as they stay with us or we stay with them for a week at a time, several times a year, every year.

The argument is lost when someone whines that the other grandparents will see the children more. They aren't fucking zoo exhibits.

This. And it doesn't always follow that grandparents living closer see more of their DGC than the ones living further away. My MIL lives a 3 hour drive away whereas my DM lives in the same city. My MIL used to complain that my DM saw more of us than she did.

It's actually not the case. Because my MIL stays with us for several days whereas, and does lots of activities with her DGDs, whereas we only see my DM when we arrange something with her. (And she also spends at least 2 months every year in Africa.)

I also suggest that you shouldn't accept money to stay near your MIL. It's an attempt to use her money to control you, which was one way in my abusive F used to control us. I only understood this long after his death.

No- its your choice and your life, not hers. She can make her own choices and so can you.
She cannot be emotionally blackmailing you- thats awful. She could always move closer to you guys if thats what she wants. I just came from another thread where the GP weren't helping out and everyone was screeching "its THEIR life- they can do what they want!" well the same applies here doesnt it? its your life and you can do what you want.

If it was the other way around and MIL was moving two hours away and her son and DIL were upset about it people would be screaming “She’s allowed her own life! Geez!” And other such lines

Exactly! Yet for some reason- it doesnt apply the other way around!
It does.

Don’t make decisions about your family based on someone else’s feelings. It will go badly. You need to move when and where works for your family.
Your MIL could move if she wanted to. Or she could sell one of her properties and buy another one near your new location. She could stay near you whenever she wishes then.
A quite big compromise would be to buy a house with a guest room for her for ease of visiting and she could give you some money to finance the need for a extra room in your house purchase. That would come with strings too as she would want to come whenever suited her though so I would treat that with extreme caution.

I know this sounds mean but while I think you should go to see her and facilitate a relationship do not get into a routine. Before you know it your children will be far more active than you could imagine and it will create tension when she expects a visit and the children want to go to a party/sleepover/ football game etc. Keep this under review because she will get frailer. Finally, look at easy ways she can travel to you, a taxi might be cheaper than you think.

You are definitely not an evil dil! She has the means & capacity to visit you and needs to accept that she’ll need to make that bit more effort to visit. As pp said as the children age there will be less opportunity for week day visits thanks to school & clubs anyway. Make your move and do not give in to bribes.
Ps if it makes you feel better I’m v def apparently an evil dil because I’ve said mil can’t move in with us...my job is to do what is best for my dcs, as is yours!

If you’re from London and someone’s giving you money to stay in London..why not stay!?

As a grandmother in her 70s I get where your MIL is coming from - but firstly I would never bribe DD to stay - they moved from Streatham to Surrey a few years ago and from where I live it's a one hour drive. A day return journey is tiring esp as the boys are young and very energetic! I never feel really welcome to stay over as they have so little family time, with both parents working, their weekends are precious to them.

If I was your MIL duckfacetwo I'd encourage her to sell one of her three London properties and buy a 'holiday home' near you so she can come and stay in her own place often without losing her friendship circle in London. The older we get the more difficult it is to change I'm afraid so I get why she wouldn't want to make it a permanent move.

she’ll need to make that bit more effort to visit.

A number of pp make the same unhelpful comment. For some of us when we are in our 70s energy levels are not what they used to be. A two hour journey can be tiring especially when reliant on public transport.

2 hours by car in Kent to London can often be the same or less by train.

Or it can be a lot longer using public transport. It really depends on how near a station in Kent/Sussex the OP's new home is. And also where in London the MIL lives.

I live in central London but do some work in Kent/E.Sussex. I can drive there in 1 hour (on a good day). To get there using public transport (so tube, train and then bus or taxi) takes me 3-4 hours. In fact when I have to be at work for 9am on a Sunday, Google tells me that means I need to leave home on Sat evening around 8pm if I want to get there using public transport!!

I feel sorry for the MIL. This is going to be hard for her.

Of course you shouldn't make decisions on where to live based on MIL. But like others, I do sympathise with her.

The one compromise I would try to make, if possible, in this situation, is aiming to live somewhere that's as accessible for visits to and from MIL as possible. So on a train line that she can get to easily from her house, ideally that requires no changing, and that she can easily get from the station to yours either with a lift from you or a relatively inexpensive cab. I think for most people, but older people etc, an easier and less painful journey will facilitate visits and time travelling as much as a shorter one would.

Ditto, if you're moving for more space etc, please do make sure you have sufficient space for a decent sized spare room so that if she comes down for a day or two at a time she can be comfortable and happy in her little space.

Then encourage her to come. The first few times she might find it a bit overwhelming but once she's got used to it and see how's easy and comfortable it is, hopefully she'll adjust. I have a friend who moved to our area and her parents are 90 minutes away. Her mum comes once a week, on the bus, to spend 1-2 nights with them, help with childcare etc, then heads back. It is doable, it just needs to be done in a way that is convenient and comfortable for all.

Move. She has no right to control your life for her own ends. Do not kowtow to this ludicrous situation.

Get your husband to tell her that you’re moving, it’s happening and she’s welcome to visit.