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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Moving away but MIL applying pressure

109 replies

duckfacetwo · 08/03/2020 23:06

So looking to leave London, usual story want more space, less pollution, etc. Currently we live near both my parents & inlaws. My parents are looking to downsize & are likely to move near us as my brother moved to the area last yr. However MIL who is fairly involved with my dc is starting to panic (her only gc & doesn't drive) she is saying we are deserting her as she is alone, the gc will see my family all the time, etc. I feel guilty but not sure what to say to her. She's now starting to say she will "give" us money to stay (she has a few properties) & whilst it's a nice gesture I feel like it's a carrot or would have too many conditions as she can be a little controlling & would just rather move. We are talking 2 hours in car so not thousands of miles away but she currently sees the gc 1-2 a week which won't happen once we move.

OP posts:
duckfacetwo · 09/03/2020 09:04

Because even with our healthy budget @nomel to stay where we are you are looking at 1.2 plus for a 3 bed terrace with small garden & no parking. I want more space & am quite tired of the congestion & don't travel into the centre that frequently now. I'm lucky to have lots of restaurants etc on my doorstep so tend to stay in my zone so to speak. I wfh & only go into the office 2 days a month. Pretty much all my friends have moved out similar direction too.

House prices have actually stagnated where we are for the last 5 yrs & I don't want to get priced out of new areas. Yes we could have more space in outer zones but then I lose what I currently have (family on doorstep, good high street) for not that much more space.

OP posts:
Inertia · 09/03/2020 09:05

It's really not fair for your MIL to put pressure on you to stay- she's made her life choices, she doesn't get to make yours as well. If she wants to stay where she has a network of close friends, that's completely understandable, but you and your husband and children don't exist as props in MIL's life- you have to do what works for you as a family with young children.

MIL clearly has money , so there are several options:

  • She could move to be closer to you.

  • She could travel to see you (2 hours isn't far, and public transport in London and SE England is pretty extensive compared to many parts of the UK).

  • You could travel to see her.

  • She could sell one of the London properties and buy a house near you, perhaps renting it out on Air BNB when she doesn't want to stay there.

  • She could sell one of the London properties and give you/DH the money she's earmarked to buy a bigger house, so that there's space for her to come and visit. Beware of accepting money that comes with strings attached though.

SnoozyLou · 09/03/2020 09:06

My parents moved an hour and a half away and we still go to see them most weekends.

I can understand why MIL is upset. She is being unreasonable trying to pressure you into staying though. Nothing stopping her following you.

GinDrinker00 · 09/03/2020 09:07

If she has that much money? Why can’t she sell up and move herself? Don’t fall for it op, she’ll give you money and you’ll forever be in her pocket.

waterbottle12 · 09/03/2020 09:15

She could move, she could learn to drive - she's got options. ignore her.

ineedaholidaynow · 09/03/2020 09:17

OP has also said that her parents are likely to move to the area as her DB is nearby, so whatever they do OP and her family are not able to stay geographically close to both sets of parents.

zafferana · 09/03/2020 09:18

Do what is right for you and your family OP. I think it's telling that it's YOU that is agonising over this and not your DH! You can't live your life for others and your MIL is being selfish by putting this guilt trip on you. Your own DPs will move to be near you - if she really wanted to be close to you, your MIL would at least consider doing the same. By all means reassure her that she will be welcome to visit any time and say you'll bring your DDs up to London one Saturday a month or something to spend with her, but try not to make too many rash promises. You'll move and your life will change and if you've committed to too many visits back to London it will become a real drag, particularly as your DC get older and have more things on at weekends. And then if you don't live up to your pre-move promises, MIL will have something else to make you feel guilty about. So feel the fear and do it anyway. It's your life, not your MIL's.

ineedaholidaynow · 09/03/2020 09:18

Don’t think I would like to learn to drive in my 70s, especially if it involves driving in London.

ScarlettBlaize · 09/03/2020 09:20

@duckfacetwo As you are both born and bred Londoners, I think you might find it surprisingly problematic to move away. I'm also a lifelong Londoner (grandchild rather than child of immigrants) and am raising my kids here (they are upper primary age now).

I lived in another part of the UK (in a city, not the countryside) for a few years and ended up having to come back to London. There were too many aspects that I just found too difficult.

A huge part of it for me was being non-white British, I just ended up feeling extremely isolated and like I would never 'belong'. Whereas in London everyone feels like they can belong - my kids are mixed heritage and they are at school with children from practically every country of the world (not central London, we live in the suburbs, zone 3/4).

If you /your husband are also of a minority ethnic group, (and your kids) I would think very, very carefully before abandoning London for good. Whatever people will say, it is not the same. Being an immigrant/mixed/non-white is the NORM here, it is not something anyone would comment on or notice. Just think carefully about the impact on your kids. Best of luck

Sizeofalentil · 09/03/2020 09:32

How far is it on public transport? Because, the thing is, she COULD still see them x2 a week if the train journey is around two hours. She could get a train to you and stay the night. Or do the journey in a day. A two hour train commute isn't that terrible. It's just the cost really. Which it sounds like she could manage.

Averyyounggrandmaofsix · 09/03/2020 09:37

I cannot believe people are suggesting a woman in her 70s buy a car and learn to drive!

Chickychickydodah · 09/03/2020 09:40

Don’t take money she will always have a hold on you, she can move nearer or set 1 day a week for her to visit .

AllTheseThingsThatIHaveNotDone · 09/03/2020 09:43

She can drive - she doesn't like driving.
So...that's what trains and old people's railcards are for.
Or as the Divine Comedy sang Take the National Express it will make you smile

sunshinesupermum · 09/03/2020 09:44

ScarlettBlaize makes a very good point.

HathorX · 09/03/2020 09:46

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, it's such a tough choice. But on balance I feel most sorry for your MIL, as your decision will be very hard on her. If your MIL has had a settled life for a while,.the prospect of change late in life might cause her a lot of anxiety. She is well established where she is, she may find it very hard to contemplate moving, especially if she loves the London lifestyle, it will be very different moving away.

Two hours drive is a lot if you don't drive - it's too much for you to pop round if she is poorly, it's reasonably hard to do as a day trip. There will be no spontaneous visits. How will she be able to come and visit you? I think you need to help her imagine what the changes will be and how she will cope. As otherwise she will understandably feel deserted.

Is there nowhere closer to London you could move to as a compromise?

Perhaps what you should do is take a pause, and ask your MIL to at least consider the pros and cons for everyone involved and think about what happens as she gets older too.

I faced something similar after my dad and uncle died, my mum was alone, and my OH and I wanted to move west. We chose a town we knew my mum would like. We drove her there a few times to see the town centre, the areas we liked. She became comfortable with the idea of moving but in honesty she had always said she would move closer to me if she ended up alone.

It is very hard caring for an elderly relative from a distance, and if you are likely to be in that situation one day you need to think realistically about what would happen. If she refused to leave London will you just leave her to her fate if she gets sick? I have watched ageing relatives become housebound and become a burden due to cancer, dementia etc. You need a long term plan, in my opinion, which your OH should be on board with.

waterbottle12 · 09/03/2020 09:53

It is very hard caring for an elderly relative from a distance, and if you are likely to be in that situation one day you need to think realistically about what would happen.

sounds like MIL is wealthy enough to pay for her own care if needed

canterburytales · 09/03/2020 09:55

I moved my DH and at the time a one year old from nearby to my IL's to be nearer to my parents. I didn't have a great relationship with them, lived in London too, wanted out. They didn't bother to visit even though 20 mins away. Best thing I did for my kids. The downside (upside depending on your point of view) is they refuse to visit us despite having a son an hour away from us (who they visit lots) and have not seen my children in over two years.
You need to do what is best for your immediate family and raising kids in London for me was a no.

ThusSpoke · 09/03/2020 10:02

Will you have a spare room? Can you call it Granny’s room at least while she is there, and let her help decorate/furnish it?

Hahaha. This is too much! Is MIL 5?

HollowLegss · 09/03/2020 10:09

She's had 70 odd years to live her life the way she wants. I think it's a pretty selfish of her to try and dictate how others should live theirs mostly for her own benefit.

I completely understand why she doesn't like it, but being a parent and grandparent means that you put your own feelings aside and do what is best for them, and moving is obviously what you all want.

You sound like a lovely and accommodating daughter in law, without being an absolute doormat!

mrsmuddlepies · 09/03/2020 10:11

She could move, she could learn to drive - she's got options. ignore her.
Harsh but in the end you will do what suits you.
A friend of mine did this but then was put out when her MIL became attached to her niece who lived nearby.
You must do what you want but your MIL is free to do what she wants. She will need to build relationships to those who live closer, whether that is friends, friends families and any members of her extended family.

Throughthegate · 09/03/2020 10:13

There's caring that can be covered with money and then there's caring that can't. I live/d away from family and wasn't there for my dm's doctors appointments - all fine as she was very independent until it's something like cancer and then you wish you were closer geographically.
There's no easy answer, money is certainly not the answer to everything.

Devlesko · 09/03/2020 10:22

maybe you can buy somewhere with an annexe for her, if she is alone.
Offering you money is showing her fear, bless her.
Why are you moving nearer to your parents though? Will they be as involved in kids life as mil?
Will kids miss mil? Does she provide care?
Lots of questions there, but i feel sorry for her, it's not like you'll have time to visit often, people promise but rarely have the time.

Bakedbrie · 09/03/2020 10:25

This really isn’t a big deal. She could jump on a train on Friday at 5pm and be with you for 7pm for long weekends. I don’t get the fuss tbh

ineedaholidaynow · 09/03/2020 10:29

mrsmuddlepies it appears that the MIL already has a network of friends.

When DS was little no GPs lived near us. My parents were about an hour and half a way, MIL 5 hours. We would go and see my parents for the day, but obviously seeing MIL involved either her staying with us or us staying with her. We saw my parents more frequently but if you actually added up the time spent with GPs we actually spent more time with MIL.
FIL lived somewhere else too, so trying to juggle time with GPs was a nightmare, especially when we both worked.

DM and DF loved where they lived and had a good social life. DM has now moved closer to us as DF has died and she is now she is not in good health.

So OP's MIL can benefit from her life in London and spending extended time with her GC. Then if her heath dictates she has the money to be able to easily move closer to OP if needed.

Cocobean30 · 09/03/2020 10:37

She needs to change her mindset and get some counselling if she sees everything in a negative way. Put your children first, there’s nothing stopping her from getting the train.

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