Moving away but MIL applying pressure

[duckfacetwo]

So looking to leave London, usual story want more space, less pollution, etc. Currently we live near both my parents & inlaws. My parents are looking to downsize & are likely to move near us as my brother moved to the area last yr. However MIL who is fairly involved with my dc is starting to panic (her only gc & doesn't drive) she is saying we are deserting her as she is alone, the gc will see my family all the time, etc. I feel guilty but not sure what to say to her. She's now starting to say she will "give" us money to stay (she has a few properties) & whilst it's a nice gesture I feel like it's a carrot or would have too many conditions as she can be a little controlling & would just rather move. We are talking 2 hours in car so not thousands of miles away but she currently sees the gc 1-2 a week which won't happen once we move.

Hi all,

Wow, lots of replies.
Tbh we always assumed we would stay in London forever as we love it but loads of friends have moved away & after seeing their change in lifestyle it seems like a no brainer. I understand it's a shock for mil.

How old is MIL? How old are your DC
2 dd 4&5, mil in her low 70s

How does your DH feel about this? Is he happy with the idea of moving, especially as it seems quite centred round your family.

DH is the one pushing more for the move and has always liked the area. He wants the space. The thing is wherever we move to my parents would follow to a certain extent or aim for somewhere between me & db, so it's avoidable it's centred around me.

My first thought was why doesn’t she move too.

I wouldn't have a problem with this really but it's not something she would consider as she hates change & has a good friend network.

Hi all,

Wow, lots of replies.
Tbh we always assumed we would stay in London forever as we love it but loads of friends have moved away & after seeing their change in lifestyle it seems like a no brainer. I understand it's a shock for mil.

How old is MIL? How old are your DC
2 dd 4&5, mil in her low 70s

How does your DH feel about this? Is he happy with the idea of moving, especially as it seems quite centred round your family.

DH is the one pushing more for the move and has always liked the area. He wants the space. The thing is wherever we move to my parents would follow to a certain extent or aim for somewhere between me & db, so it's avoidable it's centred around me.

My first thought was why doesn’t she move too.

I wouldn't have a problem with this really but it's not something she would consider as she hates change & has a good friend network.

Lots of children move to the other side of the world to live, you are only going 2 hours away

The funny thing like a lot of Londoners my parents are immigrants so my entire family is still back in their home country. It's nice my dc have been able to grow up near extended family.

We do live near green space luckily but just want more space & garden, less busy, busy & the outer zones don't appeal so much. Looking at Kent/Sussex borders.

The schedule is a good idea. I'm aware that all visits will involve us travelling to her.

because OP has encouraged her family to move with them

I think that's a little unfair. We are my parents only family here & they think family is very important & wherever I went would likely follow to some extent & they do need to downsize.

I do feel sorry & guilty for MIL & have always made sure she's included as much as my family & she is a good grandma.

It's not just her dgc who are moving away from her. It is her son, who is moving from being nearby to being two hours at least away from her at a time of life when she might have started to depend on him more.
I'm not saying change your plans for her, but please try to understand the impact this is having on her life and how she sees her future.

I do understand @Throughthegate hence why I feel guilty but what would you do?

Don’t feel guilty, don’t accept her offer, however well meaning. You need to do what’s right for your growing family. It’s not the other side of the world, yes visits wouldn’t be a regular, but not impossible. We can all make time for the things we want to do OP. It’s your life and you have the right to live where you want. MIL should not be applying pressure, she should be supporting you.

We are in a similar circumstance currently however our two children are late teens, we are considering moving 3 hrs from where we live currently, it’s a big change. But life changes, we have experienced a lot of change this year due to various circumstances and feel time is now right for a new adventure.

Good luck OP I hope it all works out for you.

PIL gave SIL £10k towards her house deposit as she was moving next door. We moved an hour away so DH got nothing.
Years on, they're now expecting her to 'look after them'. A kind of payback time. SIL is trapped and faces years of running round after them.
Think long term. Your DC won't want to see her twice a week for evermore. They could be a red herring here. She wants you to do whats best for her and not you. What repercussions did she think not driving would have as she got older?
Selfish and manipulative. Get away.

And if she has properties she's obviously not short of money. There's no need to 'depend' on her son? More selfishness. What's wrong with taxis, carers, gardeners, cleaners etc. Isn't that what we save all our lives for?

If I was your dh I probably wouldn't move.
But other than that, talk to her, reassure her, paint a picture of her still being part of your life going forward by discussing visits and holidays (hopefully a spare bedroom?) and just making her feel she isn't forgotten. This might mean more contact with her when you first move than you might wish as this is when she will feel the change a lot.
This is what I'd do if she is a nice woman.

@duckfacetwo is the new area accessible by trains and busses? Is it possible for her to get a train to a certain spot then you collect her? Maybe planning an estimated route may help ease her fears.

You said she has a good friend network. I wouldn’t underestimate the power of a good friend network to keep older folks alive and healthy. It does wonders for their mental and physical health.

Maybe you can do a combination of scheduled visits per month. One visit to you in the new area and another visit to her back in London. That’ll also give your children a good grounding for “visiting grandma’s house” and a trip to “the big city” throughout their lives. They can visit her allotment with her, go to the museum, etc while you visit with friends or whatever combination you choose. I think there are definitely ways to work this out but both sides need to be flexible and she likely needs some assurance by way of practical planning to demonstrate how she won’t be left out.

Go go go

When they are in school she won’t be seeing them once a week anyway.

The argument is lost when someone whines that the other grandparents will see the children more. They aren't fucking zoo exhibits.

If she has several properties and is prepared to OP money the cost of public transport isn't a problem

A 2 hour drive is often too much for former Londoners to make and public transport takes even longer.

This is hilarious. Do you really think the OP should keep her young children somewhere so busy and polluted and just generally awful, just so that her MIL doesn't have to take a train? I personally couldn't wait to get out of London when I had my DC, it's a horrible place to raise a family.

She’s right that this move seems to be all about your family

It's about the OP's immediate family ( ie DP and DC), her parents are just choosing to come and it sounds like the MiL is welcome too.

Will you have a spare room? Can you call it Granny’s room at least while she is there, and let her help decorate/furnish it? If she has had a high amount of contact with your dc and they love her, it will feel sad for them too to lose her.

Perhaps building in an overnight stay once a week or fortnight when you can have a family evening with her?

Saying she is being manipulative is missing that she most probably adores you all and this will quite genuinely leave her bereft. Of course you must still do it, but don’t disregard her feelings unless she genuinely deserves that.

Although my parents don’t see DD as often as people who live locally, when they do see her they stay over and see her for a whole weekend I.e. lots of hours in one big chunk. Explain that she will be welcome to come and stay (assuming she’s is welcome).

@Roselilly36 thank you & good luck to you too. It's daunting as we don't know any different (apart from uni) but feel ready for a change & now is the right time.

She can drive but doesn't like to so hasn't in yrs. She's quite anxious & negative which makes me feel more guilty but also it's quite claustrophobic & holds her back from things hence why she wouldn't consider moving. She has absolute no financial need to depend on son (3 London properties) & can afford train fares.

If I was your dh I probably wouldn't move.

DH wants to put his dc first & do what's right for us as a family though.

Is it possible for her to get a train to a certain spot then you collect her?

definitely & she could easily stay for a weekend as we would very likely have space.

You say she doesn’t like change so this is just a symptom on of that. She’ll get used to it. If she’s really that bothered she will follow.

A 2 hour drive is often too much for former Londoners to make

Why? Does living there make them special and fragile?

Don’t accept a bribe, that’s all it is. She is using what she can to stop the move which I think is understandable.
She has had her life and family, she had her choices, you are entitled to the same.
I do understand her upset though.

Kent Sussex Borders is commuter land so she could easily get a train to your nearest station, assuming she's mobile and independent. The scheduled visit thing is tricky as it will impact any regular activities or hobbies and might become a chore rather than a genuine pleasure. You absolutely shouldn't take her 'bribe' as it will not end well.

She can use that money to buy herself a car and the time she's using to whine at you to learn how to drive. Old dogs can learn new tricks. If there's something she wants, she can grow, rather than making you shrink.

My first thought was why doesn’t she move too

I wouldn't have a problem with this really but it's not something she would consider as she hates change & has a good friend network

She’s made her choice then. She can’t have her cake and eat it. Life doesn’t revolve around one person’s wants.

I don't think she is being fair by essentially trying to bribe you, but I find people's replies here quite cold and harsh. There's nothing wrong with being upset that family are moving away, especially if they have a good/close relationship.

My husband and I come from opposite sides of the world and we absolutely consider our parents when choosing where to live.

Very odd comments on here about the travel time. Lots of Londoners travel for an hour on the bus or tube to work every day. It's not some magic kingdom where everything in life is within 15 minutes.

I'd move. Would she consider selling one of her properties and buying a holiday place near you. Someone with an active community so that if she enjoyed longer a stays she'd have things to do? Not with you or she might stay too long for it to be fun.