DIL - miscarriage? Posting here for traffic.

[Casiloco]

DS and DIL have been TTC since Christmas and she tested positive on Tuesday. Thursday she started bleeding and although this lasted just a day or so, there was quite a lot of blood. Hospital have said she isn't still pregnant and have asked her to go back on Monday for a scan.

They are still very hopeful, excited but also worried and I am fairly certain it will not be good news and they may then do a D&C. They will be devastated - as will DH and I - if they lose the baby. She is mid-30s and she is aware of the body clock ticking ...

Am I right in thinking things don't look too hopeful?

Fingers crossed for you all

If the outcome is that she's lost it, please please, don't try to comfort her by telling her that it will happen again and all be ok.

I was told this by many people, and it felt like easy words, which angried me because ultimately, they had no way of knowing if it would or not (it didn't). I didn't hold it against those who said it because they didn't mean to upset me by it, but I did wish they'd just said sorry for your loss, and/or I can imagine how painful and scary it must feel, rather than trying to be positive to cheer me up.

I know it’s unbelievably hard but you really will not know till tomorrow.

One thing I’d just say from the point of view of someone who’s been in you DIL’s position (and has never subsequently carried a pregnancy) is that I found your stating that you and your DH would be devastated if she loses the pregnancy a bit concerning. Please try not to be too invested in having a grandchild, and instead concentrate on supporting and loving your son and DIL.

It’s easy for women TTC to shift in people’s minds from being a person to a person who carries a baby, and when you’re emotionally so low and vulnerable, someone seeming to care more about the cells you’re bleeding out, than they do about you as a person, can feel terrible, as if you don’t matter any more; only your ability to produce a baby matters. You feel badly enough yourself that other people’s disappointment really compounds it.

I’m sure that’s not what you mean at all as you sound lovely, but it’s worth being conscious that your role is to be terribly sad for them and not for the possible loss of your grandchild, and to support them from that standpoint.

not the family who should meddle for support.

Op is not meddling in any way, she is concerned for her ds and dil and just looking for information.

@sk1601

I am not judging anyone. Read what I said again and don't jump to your own small-minded conclusions.

This fucking site does my head in sometimes!

I am pregnant via IVF, I'm also mid 30s. I had a bleed lasting a day at 4 weeks 4 days and again at 5 weeks 4 days. They scanned me at 6 weeks 2 days and could see the sack and fetal pole but no heartbeat, then again at 7 weeks 3 days and this time they found the heartbeat. I hope it works out this way for your son and DIL, you can't always see the heartbeat on early scans so she may have to have a few.

Goodness, your son and dil share a lot with you!

Well goodness funny enough that's how some families work, you know when people actually care about each other, they don't suddenly turn into your stereotypical MN response of it all just being about the couple and "their little family."

No need for sarcasm! It was literally just an observation. Fgs.

To be fair if my MIL had expressed concerns about my age when we were ttc between 32 and 38 I'd have wrung her neck, probably after I'd killed her for posting about my possible miscarriage on a public forum.

I think your ds and dil were completely unreasonable telling you they were TTC, completely unreasonabke telling you about a +ve pg test taken after a missed period, and unreasonable to tell you about bleeding and its nature at less than 5 weeks pg.

I had mc's at 7 weeks
17 weeks
11/12 weeks
A baby was born too soon at 27 weeks
And countless losses at 5/6 weeks that one barely reports.

Family know about the little boys at 17 and 27 weeks. My mother told me to keep a grip and focus on the ds I had and MIL thought it was a shame I couldn't perform.

I had my two children at 34.5 and 38. Keep your dil's age put of it.

I think you should be mindful of the fact that if your dil finds out you are catastrophising on public forum, you will never ever be trusted or told anything ever again.

And FWIW every miscarriage I had happened differently and I did have an early bleed with dd and she stayed there until 41.5 weeks - and 22 years later is perfect.

@ohtheroses did you consider that op may have a better relationship with her dil than you have with your mil?

My relationship with my MIL deteriorated only after the sniping remarks about being able to perform.

It may be a public forum, but it completely anonymous, really don't see the issue. Much better MIL posted her worries/questions here than asked friends/family etc and then get accused of gossiping. Mil really can't win.

She can't be 4 weeks surely? There's no way they'd scan so early as it would be pointless this early on.

I hope it's good news though OP

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst?

Maybe privately they are more concerned than they are letting on to you.

There will be stories from posters for whom it has gone either way.

Who knows?

I felt quite uncomfortable reading the OP and @AdoptAdaptImprove has articulated exactly my thoughts

I’d be concerned that if the MIL is concerned enough to post, also stating that she and her husband would be “devastated” that they may be putting more pressure on the couple IRL than they think

I’d be concerned that if the MIL is concerned enough to post, also stating that she and her husband would be “devastated” that they may be putting more pressure on the couple IRL than they think

^That.
Agree, the post makes pretty uncomfortable reading.

I suspect that if it was a sister or a mum posting then nobody would have an issue with the OPs concerns.

I would anticipate being devastated if a close female family member had to go through a miscarriage, but I would also hope that I could give them the support that they need whilst processing my own feelings seperately.

OP I hope there is a happy outcome for you all.

" I would also hope that I could give them the support that they need whilst processing my own feelings seperately."

That's the important thing, isn't it?

I think perhaps Op's post does come across as quite "me, me, me".

No one can answer the question being asked.

If her dil has been told that she is still pregnant-why shouldn't she still have some hope?

That doesn't mean that she has considered no other outcome than a positive one.

I think sharing with a parent that you're having lots of sex (which is what ttc is) is weird too. I also don't understand a mum/mil being 'devastated' at an EMC.

I also don't understand a mum/mil being 'devastated' at an EMC.

Why ever not? I have been through the trauma of miscarrying a much wanted child and would be very upset to know that my DD/DIL (and their partner) was doing the same.

TTC does not necessarily imply lots of sex. It merely implies that they are no longer using contraception.

To all the posters questioning the sharing of personal info with close family, I am surprised you can't understand how different families do things differently.

We would definitely share this sort of stuff with each other as it means we have support through difficult times, seeing my mothers devastation when my DB and SIL when through something traumatic was awful but DM never showed them how upset she was, she gave them the sort of support they needed and grieved quietly when they weren't around.

To me, not sharing would be unusual, everyone is different.

I bled from 6 weeks to 13 weeks but all was ok. All you can do is be there for them, there is no point in even preparing for the worst IMO as I really don't think it will make it any easier if it's bad news for them. Sending lots of love to you all.

Why shouldn't the OPs post come across as 'me me me'. She is entitled to her feelings, it's not suggesting that her feelings are more important than DILs but she is allowed to feel something about the situation. MN is so far from RL sometimes. In RL families actually care about each other and feel pain in each others situations.

I was so struck by how much detail you have about their lives, that I didn't really take in what you actually said.

So she tested positive on Tuesday. I'm guessing this was maybe a day after her missed period as this is when people do it nowadays (if not even before the missed period)? Then she started bleeding two days later. It must have been a huge amount of blood to warrant going to hospital? Until recently she wouldn't even have known she was pregnant.

However, as the hospital have said she is not pregnant, I am wondering why you and they think she still might be? Would they say that if they weren't sure? I had an early scan due to bleeding and they couldn't confirm a viable pregnancy until something like 7 weeks, so I had to have it done twice.

This happened to me and the baby was fine. The bleeding was from an area away from the baby. No idea what caused it. The bleeding lasted about 8 weeks overall, (but got less and less over that time. You just don't know at this stage.

I hope everything works out for you all op.
You sound supportive.