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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that’s it, I may kiss goodbye to any professional development

106 replies

Burgersandfries · 07/03/2020 22:24

Will try to keep it short. I’m in my very late 30s. Had a successful career before moving to Uk a few years ago but unfortunately my experience and university degree meant nothing here, it was quite a niche specialism, so I started again from an entry level position here while my old job offered me a managerial role but back in my country. As tempting as the offer was, I prioritised family here over job there, so here I stayed to build my little family. Fast forward a couple of years and I’m about to finish my maternity leave and go back to work when childcare fell through. Without going into much detail, our most reasonable solution is for me to give up work.
And I’m in absolute pieces. I’m not a housewife type, I enjoy work, enjoy pressure, deadlines, finding solutions etc etc etc I was so looking forward to going back to work. I wanted to go back to that tiny career progression I’d made before maternity and hopefully pick up from there and build up to something more exciting. Even though it was an entry level, it was still within my specialism and there was potential for professional progression there sooner or later. And now even that is taken from me. By the time I can more or less commit to full time job, I’ll be in my 40s and who ever builds a successful, fulfilling career at that age? Let’s be honest, noone.

My husband does not seem to understand why I’m so upset, after all I don’t have to bear the dread of daily commute and job frustrations. And I don’t know how to explain to him that while I love our children and ready to effectively sacrifice my career for them, I still have the right to be upset about not going back to work! Or am I overthinking this? Have I still got some hope that I can professionally develop after 40? Start all over again for the 3rd time?
I’m not really sure what my AIBU is, probably AIBU to think that my professional life is over?

OP posts:
JuanSheetIsPlenty · 07/03/2020 22:29

And I don’t know how to explain to him that while I love our children and ready to effectively sacrifice my career for them, I still have the right to be upset about not going back to work!

Ask him to give up work instead of you- he’ll get it instantly.

TreadLightly3 · 07/03/2020 22:36

Are you totally sure there aren’t any other childcare options you could use?

TheTiaraManager · 07/03/2020 22:37

Why do you feel the only solution is for you to give up work? Why can't you source alternate childcare or both of you request flexible working to try to minimise childcare required?

You don't want to give up work so don't do it.

RoomR0613 · 07/03/2020 22:39

What was your childcare and why did it fall through?

If you are looking at RIGHT NOW then yeah often financially the sums don't add up with small children. But the right now very soon becomes 'before the children were at school' and you become a spare part between 9-3.

Keep your job, take the hit on childcare financially as a family for a few years , most importantly don't lose who you want to be because it will be so hard to get it back if you do.

JuniLoolaPalooza · 07/03/2020 22:43

I'm knocking on for 40 and won't be taking professional exams or starting my career til after that age. I'll be working another 30 years, plenty of time.
My friend is coming up to 50 and applying for pupilages as she wants to be a barrister, has done BVC etc. Age isn't holding you back at all. Hope you can work out a solution.

SallySun123 · 07/03/2020 22:58

You say the most “reasonable” solution is for you to give up work but the best solution is where both parents are happy.

BIWI · 07/03/2020 23:01

There must be other childcare solutions!

Theowbh · 07/03/2020 23:03

What was your job? You must have lots of transferable skills!

hammeringinmyhead · 07/03/2020 23:06

I totally understand. I have only been back at work for a few months after having my son and my job is on shaky ground. I'll never find something at the same level part-time!

If you can pay for alternative childcare, even breaking even for a while, it's worth it long-term.

Wineiscooling · 07/03/2020 23:12

I'm 43 and just been offered a job opportunity I thought I'd never get. If I work at it and do further study by the time I'm 50 I could have even better opportunities. At the end of the day in this day and age at 40 we have another potentially 25-30 years of work. Having qualified in my field at 21 I'm not even half way through my working life yet! Don't lose heart and think it's all over, you can have a few years out, work part time, look at other options but it's not over yet!

HarrietSchulenberg · 07/03/2020 23:13

I'm pushing 50 and only just picking up the remnants of my shattered career now my children are teens and grown ups. Different career but still a career rather than just a job. It can certainly be done.

Or look for another childcare provider.

BackforGood · 07/03/2020 23:21

Why do you feel the only solution is for you to give up work? Why can't you source alternate childcare or both of you request flexible working to try to minimise childcare required?

This ^

As @RoomR0613 says - even if it means you taking a hit for 3 years or so, it is worth it to keep your career.

Look into alternative childcare arrangements
Look at both parents working flexibly
Look at moving your mortgage to 'interest only' for 3 years, or extending the term.
Look at other savings you can make to your outgoings.

Elieza · 07/03/2020 23:23

Don’t give up. There will be a solution. You only have one life and while looking after your dc may be wonderful, you will miss the elements of the job that you love.
Seems to me you are making all the sacrifices. Can you all move back to your original country?

Does DH make any sacrifices in your current scenario?

Should be a team effort?

Burgersandfries · 07/03/2020 23:27

Thank you all for your replies! I unfortunately can’t go into detail about my work due to its sensitivity but I can say that it pays peanuts at lower levels, hence if I went back now, then all my salary plus a bit more would simply be covering childcare. And since my DH is the breadwinner, he can’t stay home with kids while I work, we simply wouldn’t survive on that!
But now I’m starting to think maybe it’s worth just struggling through for a couple of years until kids start school, with us both working, even if our family budget goes a bit negative. After all kids do grow up and I’m so not ready to give up on work I enjoy.

OP posts:
BIWI · 07/03/2020 23:29

But it's not just your salary that has to cover childcare! Don't give up on your career. You take both of your incomes into account to pay for childcare - yes it might be a struggle for a while, but it will all be worth it in the end!

ArranUpsideDown · 07/03/2020 23:32

all my salary plus a bit more would simply be covering childcare.

It's a position lots of women find themselves in. However, where possible, even in these circumstances work tends to be worth the wretched finances as it keeps your continuity, pension contributions etc. and means that you don't have gaps in your CV later.

Enko · 07/03/2020 23:34

Your salary may cover just childcare. However your child is both yours and your dhs. So half your salary covers childcare and the other half is something that goes out of your dh's wage.

I was a stay at home mother for many years and loved it. I am now 50 and retraining and yes I believe I can get a fulfilling career at this point in life. The difference is though. I wanted to stay at home. You dont

I would look into other childcare and find a way around it.

bluebluezoo · 07/03/2020 23:35

But now I’m starting to think maybe it’s worth just struggling through for a couple of years until kids start school, with us both working, even if our family budget goes a bit negative. After all kids do grow up and I’m so not ready to give up on work I enjoy

It is absolutely worth it. Any money spent on childcare now will easily be recouped in pension and future earnings.

Change your mortgage to interest only, Get a couple of long term interest free credit cards, cut down to essentials.

It’s only 3 years. Then you’ll only be paying wrap around care and can start saving/spending again. You’ll be far better off than on one income...

JaniceBattersby · 07/03/2020 23:36

Keep your job. It’s such a gift to find a career tour really love. I clung on to mine for eight years while I had four kids. At one point I was actually making a loss on childcare. But I’m so, so glad I kept the job I love. All but one of mine are now in school.

Hopoindown31 · 07/03/2020 23:36

But it's not just your salary that has to cover childcare! Don't give up on your career.

If you aren't earning enough to cover the childcare costs and things are already tight it really can be difficult to make it work though.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 07/03/2020 23:37

What is your husband doing to try and help solve this?

Sounds like he's washed his hands of the problem and dumped it on you!

Cuddling57 · 07/03/2020 23:39

OP from your posts I don't think you should give up your career. You have worked so hard and it sounds like you are dedicated to what you do so would be ideal for promotion. So your salary will hopefully increase eventually to cover childcare costs.

Largeyellowdaffodil · 07/03/2020 23:40

hence if I went back now, then all my salary plus a bit more would simply be covering childcare

Childcare is a shared cost
When I returned to work after my second child my salary was less than the childcare bill. But the childcare bill was a shared cost- not my expense alone.
Yes as a family we were worse off but I was at a point in my career where if `i left I wouldn't have got another job easily and I am someone who needed to work.

My children are now at Uni- I earn a very big salary for my sector- I must be in the top 1% for women I imagine. The short term pain was worth the long-term gain (and my husband always saw me as an independent woman- not just a baby factory)

Brown76 · 07/03/2020 23:44

Could you - or he - request unpaid parental leave to give you a few weeks to sort childcare?

Winecheesesleep · 07/03/2020 23:50

But it's not just your salary that has to cover childcare! Don't give up on your career. You take both of your incomes into account to pay for childcare

I agree with this. Your passion for your career comes across so strongly in your posts, I hope you can work together to make it work. I'll try and post something more helpful tomorrow when I'm less tired 😊

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