To think that’s it, I may kiss goodbye to any professional development

[Burgersandfries]

Will try to keep it short. I’m in my very late 30s. Had a successful career before moving to Uk a few years ago but unfortunately my experience and university degree meant nothing here, it was quite a niche specialism, so I started again from an entry level position here while my old job offered me a managerial role but back in my country. As tempting as the offer was, I prioritised family here over job there, so here I stayed to build my little family. Fast forward a couple of years and I’m about to finish my maternity leave and go back to work when childcare fell through. Without going into much detail, our most reasonable solution is for me to give up work.
And I’m in absolute pieces. I’m not a housewife type, I enjoy work, enjoy pressure, deadlines, finding solutions etc etc etc I was so looking forward to going back to work. I wanted to go back to that tiny career progression I’d made before maternity and hopefully pick up from there and build up to something more exciting. Even though it was an entry level, it was still within my specialism and there was potential for professional progression there sooner or later. And now even that is taken from me. By the time I can more or less commit to full time job, I’ll be in my 40s and who ever builds a successful, fulfilling career at that age? Let’s be honest, noone.

My husband does not seem to understand why I’m so upset, after all I don’t have to bear the dread of daily commute and job frustrations. And I don’t know how to explain to him that while I love our children and ready to effectively sacrifice my career for them, I still have the right to be upset about not going back to work! Or am I overthinking this? Have I still got some hope that I can professionally develop after 40? Start all over again for the 3rd time?
I’m not really sure what my AIBU is, probably AIBU to think that my professional life is over?

But now I’m starting to think maybe it’s worth just struggling through for a couple of years until kids start school, with us both working, even if our family budget goes a bit negative

Definitely this.

As everyone says, it is not just your salary covering childcare.

Can your DP go down to, say, four days a week? If he can, and is the breadwinner, with you working, that might be thinkable? It may well be a big salary hit, but, as you suggest, that's not the only concern.

FWIW last year I was home with our DD, and I adore her, but I was struggling and missing work. DP was the breadwinner. When I went back to work, DP dropped to four days a week - otherwise we could not have managed the logistics. Financially it was not the obvious thing to do, but emotionally it has really worked.

And it means we are both working and able to anticipate some career progression.

Working for ‘nothing’ for a couple of years until you get free hours is what a lot of women have to do to save their careers.

It’s not for nothing!
Pension!
Mental health!
Safeguard if divorce/ death!

Sort your childcare and go back to work.

Also - it's not fashionable to say this, in some circles, but I think it is good for a child to know their mum works outside the home.

Caring for a child is hard work; we all know that. But I think it is good for a child to see his or her mum has some other overt purpose in life. Obviously you can communicate that to a child if you're a SAHM, but it would be harder. And you obviously love your job. I think it is really important your child sees that you have that enjoyment.

I'm so sorry Burger.
Can you not find another child minder? Don't be too downhearted, there must be a solution.

JaniceBattersby Gosh I don’t know how you’re doing it, 4 kids and a job, and here I am moaning
Largeyellowdaffodil thank you! I feel like you years ago is me at the moment. Will have to sit down for another budgeting session with DH tomorrow and hopefully find a better solution! And when my kids are at uni, I’d be very happy to be at your level of competence, or even simply close to it!
Brown76 that’d be me and that’s an option I haven’t thought of, quite frankly. Thanks!

Your update already sounds more optimistic than the your first post, OP. Things look bleak when your plans fall through, but you’re now looking at other possibilities. It may be worth struggling for a couple of years in order to be well placed for career progression when DC are at school.

Best of luck with it all. You’ll be glad you didn’t give up hope.

I was in a similar situation to you 10 years ago. I “worked for nothing” to keep my hand in for 4 years til my youngest DC started school. And I can’t tell you how glad I am that I did, not least because my “D”H walked out just after my DC started reception. I can’t even think about how things would be for us if I’d been unemployed at that point. And I’d have stood no chance of picking up my career again from scratch as a single parent. 5 years on from that I’m in a job I love, with a salary that keeps us afloat (no benefits) and in which I am still making progress

Thanks again! I agree Sarah as was thinking the same - it’s great if a woman enjoys being a SAHM but it surely can’t be beneficial for kids if mom is climbing the walls at home.

inkydinky what a strong woman you are!
Thank you all for your kind advice, I definitely feel more optimistic and will have another conversation with DH tomorrow. Definitely feel embarrassed about my moaning after all your stories, have to always remember that a lot more people go through more difficult times without complaining, should do the same!

I don’t know why people always say “‘my salary is childcare” it’s irrelevant
I don’t have any children, but I do a job I love. I chose to do it daily. I like it. It’s a career. I will do it till the day I drop dead In One form or another.
If you have an actual career as opposed to just a job you don’t like much.

Never give it up for anything. Ever

@burgersandfries - I think it's definitely not beneficial! My mum absolutely adored parts of being a SAHM, but I know from conversations with her it was a huge issue that she became trapped in that role. She'd loved her career and thrived on it. When I had my DD I found (to my surprise) that I hugely enjoyed being home with a baby. But, I am still so glad to now be back at work.

People will make you believe you have to define yourself in a very black and white way, so you are either a mum who loves to be home with her kid(s), or a mum who works. I am sure for most of us it is not that way. I think most of us are better if we can do some work outside the home, and some childcare. In my view, in an ideal world, all parents would be part-time and would share childcare. Of course, it isn't always possible. But it is definitely normal to want to be doing some work as well as some childcare. And it is absolutely your DP's responsibility to make sure you don't bear the brunt of this difficulty.

I understand OP.

I'm early 40s with 9 & 4 yo and mortgage free since we moved home.

Everyone assumed I'd stop working. But I don't want to! I've finally found a PT job with a good company and for me, that's the perfect compromise.

I've given up a 20 minute commute 5 X a week for an 1.15 commute 2 X a week in my new role.

I'm juggling childcare logistics which have taken some juggling, but it's worth it.

I know losing money feels unthinkable, but long term it will be worth it for you. You know this, just make your dh understand it too so you're both onboard.

There is a point to working even if it effectively only covers your childcare, because you'll be able to progress in your field and eventually be bringing in more.

Staying home when you don't actively want to be a sahm would be awful for your mental health too.

Apart from your quality of life, OP, which is important, I don't think your children would benefit from having an unhappy mother. I'm a child of the fifties and my father wouldn't let my mother work when my sister was a child and my sister still has horrible memories of coming home from school to a thoroughly depressed mother. Fortunately father buggered off when I was four and once my mother got a job she was quite a cheery soul.

I’ve worked in a minimum wage job for the last 17years as we didn’t want to pay for childcare, dh worked day and I worked evening shifts. Now at the grand ‘old’ age of 43 I’m at college gaining a qualification to start working in the industry I’ve always wanted to work in, you are never too old to start again,

I’ve had an amazing time being home with the children, I’ve not missed a school show, always done the school run or had to struggle with childcare but now it’s my time to do something I love.

I think what I’m trying to say is we all make sacrifices whether it’s working full time to pay for childcare , or working odd shifts, or staying at home. We do what works for our family,

Op i hope you find a solution that works for you.
Found this thread really inspirational. Iv recently gone bk to work after maternity leave but facing redundancy and i have poor health at age of 29. Very disheartening as i am torn between looking after my child and my health V getting a job which will further my career but involves longer hours and travel. But reading everyone elses stories makes me think maybe there is a chance to regain my career once LO is older and if my health improves.

Goodluck OP.

I went back to work (very specialist niche discipline where you have to stay up to date) and very glad I did. Because as others said, it is much more difficult to get back in later. Yes, we struggled with the childcare but so glad now.

DH is now very ill and struggles to work ft and so the onus of financial responsibility falls on me. This would not have been possible if I had taken time out and ignored my career as I could not have found part time work that pays what I earn now and also DH doesn't have much of a pension whereas I have a very good one. Our daughter is now at University. Again, this would not have been possible if I had not kept my job as her loan barely covers half of her rent.

If I had given up work we would have had nothing to fall back on and would have lost our house. So very glad we made those early sacrifices

Also - it's not fashionable to say this, in some circles, but I think it is good for a child to know their mum works outside the home.

Please stop peddling this rubbish. I was a stay at home mum until my youngest went to secondary school. I now have a rewarding second career. My kids totally respect what I do and what I did. And I had no problem finding intellectually/socially rewarding activities to do when they were young.

OP - as pp have said, childcare is a shared bill not yours alone. You need a discussion with your dp, to decide how you are jointly going to manage both your careers and the childcare needs arising from managing both your careers. If your dp doesn't accept the equal importance of your career, even if it means you take a financial hit either short or long term, then you have a dp problem.

Could you request a bit more time on mat leave, using annual or even unpaid leave, to find replacement childcare, to at least make the problem less urgent?

I would like to echo PPs. Whilst it is entirely possible to start a new career in your 40s (my mum started nurse training at 41), I think you have found a career you love and so you shouldn't have to leave it.

Your husband needs to realise how important this is to you and help solve the childcare issue as a team.

Family finances will be a bit tight for a few years but you will progress and earn more in time. It is the family, shared finances taking the hit though. Don't think of it as your salary paying childcare. It isn't. They are DH's children too so why shouldn't half come from his salary (in principle even if you have a joint account)?

You have options
1 you throw the towel in and start again later when the children are school aged
2 continue your career whilst spending out on childcare but sustaining earning opportunities
3 find related work where you can work at home and keep your hand in
There's always options
I hope you find the best answer

Can you ask to work from home? You can have skype meetings and everything else is done on laptops/computers anyway.

@51biwinoone
It's not always possible if you have to be hands on.
But like I suggested to OP. All options should be explored.

all my salary plus a bit more would simply be covering childcare

Hang on, how come it's your salary that's covering the childcare?!!!

Of course you can get your career back on track many employers prefer investing in women who have had their children.

Not to hijack the thread, but there is another thread currently running where the government is (tomorrow, Monday 9th March) to be discussing bringing in 15 hours free childcare from 9mo and has asked for opinions on how this would help families. OP, (& anyone else!) please share your current situation on there as it will help bulk up the debate for how much of a of a difference free childcare could make to women and their careers, pensions, mental health etc.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/going_back_to_work/3839359-MNHQ-here-are-you-returning-to-work-or-have-you-recently-returned-after-parental-leave-Tell-the-Petitions-Committee-about-your-experiences