To think that’s it, I may kiss goodbye to any professional development

[Burgersandfries]

Will try to keep it short. I’m in my very late 30s. Had a successful career before moving to Uk a few years ago but unfortunately my experience and university degree meant nothing here, it was quite a niche specialism, so I started again from an entry level position here while my old job offered me a managerial role but back in my country. As tempting as the offer was, I prioritised family here over job there, so here I stayed to build my little family. Fast forward a couple of years and I’m about to finish my maternity leave and go back to work when childcare fell through. Without going into much detail, our most reasonable solution is for me to give up work.
And I’m in absolute pieces. I’m not a housewife type, I enjoy work, enjoy pressure, deadlines, finding solutions etc etc etc I was so looking forward to going back to work. I wanted to go back to that tiny career progression I’d made before maternity and hopefully pick up from there and build up to something more exciting. Even though it was an entry level, it was still within my specialism and there was potential for professional progression there sooner or later. And now even that is taken from me. By the time I can more or less commit to full time job, I’ll be in my 40s and who ever builds a successful, fulfilling career at that age? Let’s be honest, noone.

My husband does not seem to understand why I’m so upset, after all I don’t have to bear the dread of daily commute and job frustrations. And I don’t know how to explain to him that while I love our children and ready to effectively sacrifice my career for them, I still have the right to be upset about not going back to work! Or am I overthinking this? Have I still got some hope that I can professionally develop after 40? Start all over again for the 3rd time?
I’m not really sure what my AIBU is, probably AIBU to think that my professional life is over?

^
But now I’m starting to think maybe it’s worth just struggling through for a couple of years until kids start school, with us both working, even if our family budget goes a bit negative. After all kids do grow up and I’m so not ready to give up on work I enjoy^

It’s worth taking the hit!!!! We did for 2 years but looked at it as a long term investment in my future career, NI contributions, pension, professional development and personal fulfilment. The dc are 8 and 11 now and our childcare bill has reduced massively from nearly £1500/month to £200/month.School holidays are a bit tricky, but we manage.

Your DH needs to cover half the childcare costs and take half the impact.

Agree with others that childcare is a shared cost. So half from you and the other from him. Could you go back to work on this basis? I've taken a career break to be a sahm for a few years. I do miss work but couldn't afford the childcare for 2 children.

Don't forget you'll get 2 tax free allowances and you'll only qualify for tax free childcare and the 30 hours from 3 if you are both working. I agree with what others are saying, you should find a way to make it work.

How many years of your life have you worked for so far? 15? 20? Cos at 40 you still have 27 or more to go. You went even half way yet. Stop carastrophising and enjoy your children while they are young. No one will raise them better than you while they're small, they'll be at school in a heartbeat.

For us it made sense for DH to stop working in similar situation but we decided just to basically power through the 2 year period and accept it was going to be hard. I really wouldn't give up work unless it was essential in your situation and given how you feel.

The equivalent of my salary for three years was spent on childcare (out the joint pot of course). Now almost twenty years on I'm hoping for early retirement. Staying in work saved my sanity. Think long term, especially as a woman, who are usually left with the DC if things go pear shaped.

I come from the opposite in that I did stop for 4 years after having children and I have just gone back to work, even if in certain aspects I would have preferred to be at work during those years, the cost of childcare, the problems we would have had when kids are sick and just my own tiredness would mean it would have been very very hard to work.
After my youngest started school, it took me 3 months to find work and I didn't have much work experience as I stopped directly after the PhD. I think if you have a good record of employment you could find work easily even if you take a few years off. It is just the salary that wouldn't be the same than if you had continued.
It's your choice to make but I think things are not set up for women to work in the UK, it's really difficult.

"if I went back now, then all my salary plus a bit more would simply be covering childcare."

Do it anyway.
Don't forget tax free childcare in your budgeting.

Can you put in a request for flexible working or work part time ?

Or

Investigate alternative childcare

Don't give up work
When I went back after my 2nd I really wasn't covering childcare and travel costs etc but I went back
So glad I did
Have seen so many friends give up work and really struggle to get back to any sort of professional job
Start from the basis that you are not giving up work and sort it from there

Whoa! I can understand why you feel so low but with regards to no one building a career in their 40's? Bullshit. I will be 49 when I graduate and plan to work for 20 years in the profession in which I am training. I will. Other cohorts have had people my age and they have all gone on to work in the profession.
In fairness you are right to a certain extent. I couldn't have retrained as a medic at my age and I'm probably too old for the army

Working isn’t just about money. It’s also pleasure, identity, satisfaction and pride. If combining work and childcare means you just break even for a few years that’s fine if that’s what makes you happy.

But your comment about no one building a successful, fulfilling career in their 40s is ridiculous. I was a SAHM by choice but was bored when my DC were older so returned to the workplace in my 40s and built just such a successful, fulfilling career in a new area (data management). I also trained in an unrelated volunteer role which grew and developed and led to me going to university for the first time when I was 50. I now have an MSc in my new field and work as a professional in that area.

I had two really close together and when I went back I had to go full time (I'm in an archaic company where face time and no flexible working is preferred by senior management) we struggled with the childcare costs (nearly 2k a month in full time nursery for two) but I'd do it over again if I had to. Now the bigger one gets 30 free hours so the bill has dropped, DH began working compressed hours (5/4) to have them home a day which also eased the financial pressure (not sure if that's an option?)
Most importantly my career has recovered from the two maternity leaves and I've recently got a better paid job.
I'd honestly say try to struggle through if you can

I have to say you have found yourself in the posiiton alot of women find themselves in, including me.

For the first 3-4 years after returning to work after ML my commuting and childcare cost £200 a month MORE than I earned. it sucked and I wanted to give up 1000 times. But DH kept encoruaging me when I felt SO discouraged. It was all about continuity of employment.

I am 48 now and am back in the groove of a professional career, gaining promotions etc.

I want to give up now for different reasons (I am SO over working) but that early sacrifice was 'worth it'. I guess. We struggled though financially, but were able to 'take the hit' for a bit.

Oh- and I have a colleague who is 46 and has qualified after retraining into a completely different field.

It is rubbish to say that you can't start again in your 40s. sorry. My mother was a nurse and wanted to retrain as a teacher. She said from the time I was a young child (so her 30s) that she was 'too old'. Well she had 35 years of working life left, and she grumbled and moaned her way through it as a nurse. You are NEVER too old. As my colleague I mentioned upotrhead said to me... she retrained at 40. She told me that 'I thought I would not be qualified until I am 46..... but I am going to be 46 anyway.... so why not be 46 and qualified!'.

Don't underestimate the effect of not working on your mental health. You sound like you really need to work.

We had planned that I would be a SAHM until DS started school. Once he was 2 I was desperate to get back to work.

I didn't manage to resolve this problem. I have no childcare unless I pay for it. Initially we hired a nanny and my entire salary went on her. I was out of the house nearly all week and really only saw dd at weekends.

Then when dd started school things got a lot more tricky. My company were demanding and more from me and I was finding it a lot more difficult to manage the job and what I was missing at dd school events and getting to know people at school who dd was friends with who their parents were etc.

So I quit work and got rid of the nanny. Now my earnings are too low to hire a nanny and school hours aren't long enough even with after school care to have the career I had before. I did take a break initially for 6 months and found it easy to go back into work but not sure how it would be now but ended up on a very badly paid part time wfh job as even though initially I hated being a sahm now after giving myself a chance to get better at it I quite enjoy my time at home.
One thing to note is that I wasn't eligible for 30 hours free childcare so make sure you are if you're reliant on that.
I hope I can go back to work one day but accept my career is stagnant at best right now. I do have to do CPD with my qualifications though so at least that is ongoing.

I don't agree if you don't work you're setting a bad example. My mum never worked yet I was desperate for a career and desperately tried to continue it after dd was born but now I am of the opinion that one parent at hone is wonderful, dd has so much extra help around school work now etc than a nanny could have offered but then maybe she needs it more than some other dc. Not saying that has to be the mum though so if your dh gives up work maybe that might work for you.

I know people who have retrained for different careers at 30, 40, 50s
At 50, it's still approx 20 years of working

Go back. You’ll go bonkers if not, and you’re building up pension and NI contributions.

I don't think the calculation should be whether your salary is more than the cost of childcare.

It should be how much childcare costs as a proportion of your total household income. Also factoring in longer term earning prospects if you stay in work AND (massive and) whether you'll be happier if you stay in work. It sounds like you would.

If giving up work is not what you want, don't do it. I'd also say we will probably be working into our 70s, maybe even longer. Depressingly, at 40 you're less than halfway through working life. Don't write yourself off.

You have already sacrificed your career to move here and give up your possibilities in your home country. You do not have to further sacrifice your self esteem, your earning power, your independence, your pension, future earning capacity etc so that your husband can continue his. If he had moved to your home country he would not have the career he has now. If he had gone through pregnancy and maternity leave it would have had a life long impact on his career. If he was female, he would be underpaid, passed over for promotion, ignored at work and undervalued, simply because of his sex. He choose to get married and have children, he owes it to the woman he loves to not erase her because of those choices and assume that she should fade into the background because he feels entitled to carry on bearing the flag of the family breadwinner and not provide for the childcare of his children.

Don’t give up work. You might be in for a few years of tougher times but it will be worth it. If your dh earns enough to make it possible then pay the child care and work. I am out the other side, just got promoted to a very senior role and am thankful I stayed in employment.

"all my salary plus a bit more would simply be covering childcare"

So it's free childcare time to do something that makes you happy. I don't see the problem with you working especially since your salary alone covers the cost, if I understand right.

During the first few years, we barely had any pennies to rub together once we paid rent, childcare and my obscene travel costs for work. But now we're in a much better position as I have a management role. Also, I'm in a really lucky position as I work remotely 100%. We also now get tax free childcare + 30 free hours.

DS starts school in September and we're going to see our finances massively improve. So there is a gain to short term pain!

But also, I am not a SAHM type at heart. I find looking after DS for weeks in a row more stressful than actually working, and I love him more than anything. So I know it's not for everyone.

I think you and your husband should work out a budget of the SHARED, essential costs. Try to get better deals on utilities. Even if you barely break even, it can still be worth it.

I retrained as a teacher at 39 (when I was pregnant) and have been working as one for 9 years now (had 2 terms maternity). Planning ahead and knowing what you want is key. It is a lot easier with a supportive partner, though and a lot of men (and women) kind of drift into unsatisfactory situations because of not thinking it through in advance, or unexpected situations like job loss or a child who won't settle in childcare.

So if you know what you want to do re career that is at least a great start.