To think that’s it, I may kiss goodbye to any professional development

[Burgersandfries]

Will try to keep it short. I’m in my very late 30s. Had a successful career before moving to Uk a few years ago but unfortunately my experience and university degree meant nothing here, it was quite a niche specialism, so I started again from an entry level position here while my old job offered me a managerial role but back in my country. As tempting as the offer was, I prioritised family here over job there, so here I stayed to build my little family. Fast forward a couple of years and I’m about to finish my maternity leave and go back to work when childcare fell through. Without going into much detail, our most reasonable solution is for me to give up work.
And I’m in absolute pieces. I’m not a housewife type, I enjoy work, enjoy pressure, deadlines, finding solutions etc etc etc I was so looking forward to going back to work. I wanted to go back to that tiny career progression I’d made before maternity and hopefully pick up from there and build up to something more exciting. Even though it was an entry level, it was still within my specialism and there was potential for professional progression there sooner or later. And now even that is taken from me. By the time I can more or less commit to full time job, I’ll be in my 40s and who ever builds a successful, fulfilling career at that age? Let’s be honest, noone.

My husband does not seem to understand why I’m so upset, after all I don’t have to bear the dread of daily commute and job frustrations. And I don’t know how to explain to him that while I love our children and ready to effectively sacrifice my career for them, I still have the right to be upset about not going back to work! Or am I overthinking this? Have I still got some hope that I can professionally develop after 40? Start all over again for the 3rd time?
I’m not really sure what my AIBU is, probably AIBU to think that my professional life is over?

Can your dh work 4 days a week? Look at his income after tax, if he is a higher rate tax payer then every pound he earns he will pay more in tax than you would. I also think it is good for him to have sole responsibility sometimes, helps to realise that it is hard work looking after little children and sometimes the washing isn't done and it is hard to tidy up when children are messing it up faster than you can put away.

That wasn't very clear. I meant the men in the relationships haven't examined their own attitudes around women and work, so without discussion, you can find they had no intention or cutting down their hours or doing drop offs and pick ups etc, or they'd just assumed women want to stay home because their mum did or something.

It's shit but the reality is that when you first go back to work most/all of one salary goes on childcare but it won't be forever

There will be a childcare solution out there for you. We tried nursery and then a nanny when mine were tiny. We have no family support and were new to the area so childcare absolutely had to work.

It's nonsense to say that people in their 40s don't get a career going. I know plenty of people who have and indeed I changed direction in my 40s. Chances are you won't be retiring until you're 70 so 40 is nothing.

If work is this important to you and you feel forced into giving it up think it's important that you work this out otherwise you may come to resent your kids and your dh.

I think you need to sit down with your DH and budget, others have commented that the childcare costs should be shared between you and DH which I agree with but it seems from your post that the childcare is more than your salary, therefore overall your household income will decrease.

I think it’s also important to discuss with your DH how the childcare will work, will you be sharing pick ups and drop offs? Think this also needs to be discussed.

Daftodil that’s a great discussion, thank you. If it were to come true, so many women wouldn’t have to go through the financial dilemma work-childcare.
Agree with all the pp saying that work is not just about money but also self fulfilment and satisfaction.
DH and I have joint finances, his salary covers all our living expenses and bills while mine being peanuts has always been just a pleasant addition pre-kids. It’s not just me covering childcare from my pocket, rather we wouldn’t be able to afford childcare and living expenses on DH’s salary alone. We managed to find a childminder who was affordable with our salaries combined but that was cancelled last minute and when we looked into current costs, we realised that me not working would be much much less stressful for our family budget. Sorry if mislead you into thinking the financial burden of childcare is just on me.
I’m so glad I posted, thank you for all your inspiring stories and constructive advice. We are definitely going to sit down today and see what cuts can be made in our expenses to allow me to go back to work. But even if that’s not possible at the moment, I’m so much more reassured by your stories about re-building a career after a long break!

Great to hear you are going to have a good discussion on this today! If it doesn't seem workable, I would bring your manager into discussions to look at part time, flexi or compressed hours before making any final decisions. And DH's.

See if you can make this work with their help. It sounds like the company are getting a lot for their money with you given that you are already fully trained and experienced overseas, as well as enthusiastic so you may well find them keen to keep you in the fold even if not 9-5.

Interesting these people saying you can retrain late and work until 70. My DH and I took the opposite view. As I said above our childcare was more than my salary. We are aiming to be retired by 60 (we will then contract in interesting place until 65) with very large pension pots- that wouldn't have been possible if I hadn't worked at the level that I was able to do through not taking a break. So worth trying to work that aspect out as well.

Sort term pain for long term gain as I said.

Something that helped me was to make a spreadsheet with combinations of different PT hours and childcare costs plus a projection of what I would/could earn once fully qualified. If you did that for your DH too (including as a PP said that if he pays higher rate tax, you would lose out less from a small cut to his hours) and include the tax free childcare, then you can make a plan for the period between now and when you get the 30 free hours.

My wife has gone back to work after a while as a SAHM - she earns less than the childcare costs, but we don't care because it's something she needed to do. And that's not even for career progression - she's in a job that's not tied to her long term career for now - it's just because she enjoys working. Hopefully you can find a way to make it work too!

I agree @Largeyellowdaffodil. I don't think classroom teaching till I'm 70 is a realistic plan! Although actually my mum has only just stopped teaching at nearly 78, but it's very much on her terms and with interesting adults, and sitting down (I can see the standing up is going to be the issue and the energy levels).

Anyway, good luck OP and make a plan for now, 3 years and 10 years if you can.

Definitely don't become a sahm if you are keen on your career and would do so only because of financial struggle for a few years.

I had a choice to make when I became a single mum of children both still in nursery. I had a decent job, but I'd calculated that I would have been no better off if I'd been claiming benefits (at a time when you could freeze your mortgage for years on interest only and the DWP paid these interests).

I decided to continue to work because I was scared that giving it up would make me vulnerable to never being able to get back on the ladder, than and ultimately enjoying working. Yes, the first couple of years were very tough, but each step it got a bit better, one the eldest started school, then the second, then secondary school and finally I didn't have to pay any childcare at all. Times fly much quicker than we think. In the meantime, I've been promoted twice and met my OH.

We are now in a very good financial position together, mortgage paid, and we are starting to talk about early retirement with two good pensions coming in. I am so glad I decided to stick with work. These couple of years struggling were nothing compared to the benefits now and to be.

No time to read full thread, so sorry if this is no longer relevant. I think when 'childcare falling through' is mentioned it is relatives, hence finding an alternative paid option wipes out wages when it didn't before. This happened with me and gp's. Quite often they love the idea of spending time with the kids until the reality of body fluids and tantrums hit home and they pull out. It happens all the time. It's up to them if they dont want to do it anymore, but it's really out of order doing it at the last minute.

I think flexible working options may be the way forward or at least finding a role which may not be your specialism, but can offer you some new skills and provide flexible working in the meantime. It is hard with the cost of childcare and there is some slight relief when they get their funded hours until they start school. Public service roles can sometimes be good for this. I'm not sure if this fits? Most workplaces will be flexible in order to get the right people in the job. If you and DH can drop a day and condense hours/have shorter lunch break it may help. Nurseries are more expensive than childminders, and you may get some help in tax free childcare too (although it makes only a small dent in the costs).

After the initial panic of not having childcare at the last minute, it has worked out ok after getting a flexible working arrangement in place, but we are definitely worse off, however the next two year will fly by and hopefully it will be better after that.

Don't give up, I know how you feel. This was me a year ago. I'm a professionally qualified woman in a very male dominated industry but it has been tough. I'm late 40's now. Over the course of 20 years I have had to restart three times due to having babies , 2x in the same field, same function-ish but massively underpaid and new country + language thrown into the mix. I got pg at 43 huge shock my other two were in their teens, employer turned into a nightmare and I left to save my sanity ( I did get a pay out eventually) Spent 2 years at home with a small child which drove me insane, I love him but oh my life it was so hard mentally.

I was fruitlessly searching all the jobs boards stressing about the cost of child care and where I live there are waiting lists of years long. Also job adverts kept saying no 9-5 mentality ( I don't have the mentality but I have a small child !!) I was just sinking into a spiral of doom so to speak .
Then out of the blue a year ago I was contacted by a connection via Linked in who sent me a job opening and said I know it's not what you've done before but it is sort of related to your field and would be ideal for you right now. So I applied, got interviewed by two awesome women who saw all my skills as strengths, relatable to the job and said I would learn the on the job no problem. I went into the interview explaining my childcare situation, I was very open with them and they said we will make it work , we'll come up with a plan. They offered me the job on the spot, I took it. I also found a childminder via someone I walk my dog with, my husband dropped to 4 days a week and I also work 4 days a week. My company have been bloody brilliant, I can work from home if necessary, it's flexi starting and ending (within reason of course) they're about a 30 min drive. I found out at my 6mth review that I'm actually producing pretty much the work of two people, I'm fast and efficient at what I do and they're very appreciative of that.
I work with a great team and I cannot believe my luck some days.

But yes the money does just cover the childcare with a little but over but I know this wont be forever so we will cope, and DH has been very supportive in making this work.

So it's been a complete turnaround in the past year, my mental health has seriously improved and our family life has improved. So I know you may feel awful right now and that it's the end but please hang on in there and don't give up you never know what is just around the corner..
Best of luck !

You are giving up
And too early

Don’t , please

Sounds like a good update OP and I hope you work it out
I agree that it would be worth seeing if you can take a financial hit for a few years to go back as sounds like it would pay in the long term and work is about so much more than a salary.
And also as others have probably said - it is possible to progress after 40 but also depends on your sector. Definitely where I am that’s true (which is lucky for me since I have been part time for 11 years now after my eldest but will up my hours again sometime and look to progress!)

This is a great resource for you:

pregnantthenscrewed.com/

And yes, you can build a new career in your 40s. Let’s face it, we won’t be retiring until we’re at least 70 so that’s a very long time to progress.

And yes, to echo a PP- I know you don't wish to specify your area of work but public bodies like civil service departments and the NHS are good for flexible working and equality for working parents.

Could be worth having a look to see if they have any opportunities in or related to your specialism and region.

In your place I would work just to cover the childcare in order to keep your career going. You won’t need childcare forever.

Yes definitely go back. I won’t lie, it does suck a bit when the equivalent of 100% (or more) of your salary goes on childcare and commuting costs. But it’s so worth it for a few years, as the only way is up thereafter.

Would definitely recommend part time though, 2 or 3 days per week at most, as you’ve then got a bit of flexibility to juggle days if a child is sick and can’t go to childcare. And it’s all a bit knackering. I remember doing 3 separate drop offs (nursery, pre school and school) before even starting my commute, looking back I can’t believe I managed it.

Then when the childcare costs are gone, your salary is extremely useful in covering school trips, uniform, hobbies, tutors, tech, college, the costs really rack up. If you don’t keep a career of sorts, then the salary won’t be there to fund all that. Basically funding their life needs as older children. So it’s brilliant for the medium - long term.

You will have another 27 plus years before you can get your pension so you are young enough to do anything you want. Go for it.

Er...im 41 and retraining. I fully intend to build an exciting career from now on in and so can you.
Plus...get more childcare.

I'm only going to echo what others have said, and I know you have already taken it on board but you must find a way to get back to work now. It's short term pain for long term gain. Having a career gap into your 40s can be really damaging on your future prospects and your wellbeing overall, speaking from experience.

I've not read the whole thread so apologies if someone has already suggested this but could your OH do 5 days over 4 so he's not reducing his hours but you are saving 1 day's childcare costs? I know a few people who've done that. Means you'd probably be responsible for drop off and pick up on the other 4 days if he's doing 4 long days but the cost saving could make it worthwhile?

My concern from your OP is that you feel it's a reasonable solution, even though it will crush you, and your husband doesn't understand, even though you've explained to him.

Hoping you just meant 'most practical' rather than 'reasonable', and that this isn't a relationship pattern?

Other than that, I'm glad you've had some helpful suggestions from PPs.

Don't be a SAHM if you don't want to, it'll be miserable for you and the kids. You'll resent DH and it could put stress on your marriage and the whole family. Better to have to effectively pay for work and scrimp as much as you can for a few years.

I've found the app Bubble to be brilliant for childcare. Even if you can't get a long term nanny from there, having one person for a few weeks at a time, or a selection of people in rotation, has worked for us. You can get good people at really quite short notice.