To feel I've failed 4 year old and hindered her development?

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My DD is close in age to my friend's DD by a couple of months. Her DD can already spell her own name, has a fantastic memory and knows the phonetic alphabet.

My DD cant spell her own name, cant always remember letter sounds and is behind with her numbers as she cant get past 30.

The main difference I see between the two is that my DD is still with a childminder whilst friends DD is in nursery. I thought I made the right decision having DD with a childminder as I wanted her in a home environment and surrounded by children of differing ages. My DD is the oldest at the childminder right now ans mostly plays with toddlers.

I'm hoping she can catch up once she starts school in September and expect to read reports that shes behind for her age.

Are there any things I can do now to help her to prepare her for school?

I know you want to be doing something rather than nothing, so I'd save some money. If, when she starts, say, year 6 (aged around 11), you think she's struggling academically, you could find an educational psychologist. For around £400-£600 you could secure testing for traits like ADHD, ADD, dyslexia etc. The school might test for dyslexia but in my experience the results are unreliable. The Ed Psych will provide a report. The report in itself won't be enough to then submit to secure exam concessions (extra time etc) when she starts her GCSEs, but it could form a persuasive part of a package alongside teacher observations and evidence. I agree with other posters that you are worrying way too early, but I know that drawing comparisons in our culture is impossible. Saving is something practical that you can do! And then, if you don't want the Ed Psych report, you'll have enough for a weekend away somewhere!

*not drawing comparisons

Does she not attend preschool? Its a chance to get used to a structured day, start the early years curriculum and be with friends her own age.

If you're that worried (which you shouldn't be) then you shold have a look at the eyfs. It shows all the developmental areas as ages from birth-60+ months it'll tell you what your dd should be doing/starting to attempt, but remember it's just a rough guide and it'll happen earlier or later for some children. I work in a nursery and we have to encourage the children with phonics, writing their names etc but we don't "force" it if they are not ready but that's because we legally have to follow the eyfs and that's what is in the 30-50 and 40-60+ months. If you want to try and support you could practice letters using flour in a tray and a paint brush, you could do the same with water on a fence (once it warms up or now) you could also print and laminate letters starting with the letters in her name and then she has to trace over them with a wipeabke pen or you could even do a dot to do with her name so you would dot out the first letter for her name and get her to join the dots up, sounding out each letter as you go. Hope this makes sense?

Competitive mummy alert. The best you can do for her is to chill out, let her learn at her own pace and not induce anxiety and sense of failure.

I remember visiting my sister when our children were aged between 3 and 6. Her older child was learning both piano and recorder and the younger was going to Chinese classes.

I was in full-blown "omg we are failing our children" mode when the older child pushed the younger child and burst into tears at which point I u-turned straight back into Smug

All four are now delightful reasonably-well-achieving teenagers.

Mine weren't even fully toilet trained when they started school (due to sensory issues), could just about count to 10 on a good day and couldn't write their own names. Both went to an Ofsted Outstanding Montessori nursery.

Now DS1 is set to start 4 science and maths A levels in September, and DS2 will be starting 11 GCSEs, both projected to do well.

At 4, learning to play, form relationships, and be kind are much more important, I wouldn't sweat the academic stuff until at least KS2!

DS is three. I keep seeing Facebook updates of friends from "back home" with children, who are in most cases a few months younger. Nope, he doesn't speak as much. Nope, he doesn't really draw anything recognizable. Nope, he certainly doesn't know his letters and numbers. Well, he can count to 20...but that's because I'm a Maths teacher and we've watched Numberblocks a few times.

The thing is, we moved abroad and expectations of what he's meant to be capable of are different here. He won't start primary school here until he's at least 5.5 (6.5 if he goes to state school). His nursery don't teach phonics or numbers or anything else. It's all play. He's bilingual, so language development is on track but a little slow. He's amazing at climbing and balancing and his gross and fine motor skills are fab for his age. He's learning to get along with other kids, sit quietly for a story, go on long walks and play dress-up and other imaginary games. He's kind and gentle and caring. He won't know how to read and write when he's 4. He most likely won't know it when he's 5, either. I'm hoping, though, that he will have the social skills he will need when he starts primary school. That's much more important in my opinion. The academic side is to be left to school.

There's no need to worry about a 4-year-old, who can't read or write, yet.

My son never spoke, just pointed when he wanted something. He was a late walker and I honestly thought he had something wrong with him. He only started to talk when his sister was born just after he was two. This was over thirty years ago when there wasn't all the help that is available these days. Now he's a manager in a large firm, very sociable and confident. Babies do learn in their own time, but I never believed it at the time. My daughter walked at eleven months old and chattered away to anybody, and she's a lot shyer and less confident than him now.

DS and DD went to the same nursery. DS started school able to write his full name, knew all his sounds, was able to read basic sentences. He was keen to learn all that and picked it up easily. DD recognised her first name but that was it, she wasn't interested in learning the rest while in nursery and we would never have pushed her. However both were able to dress themselves, use the toilet etc which is what really matters.

DD 'caught up' in no time at all.

I’m a cm. one of the dc I look after is starting school in September and is quite ready for this, so please don’t think you have done the wrong thing in sending your dd to a cm.

Others have given really good lists of how children should be school ready and they are right that it has little to do with writing their names or counting.

If your dc is happy, you should be happy. I’m sure your dd is not behind, they have plenty of time of learning their letters at school, so just be. All the reports say that starting education later is far more beneficial to dc than pushing them when they are young, so you do need to try very hard not to get involved with the competitive parenting discussions your friends have.

My DS is 3 and does all that stuff...He's been going to nursery since he was 6 months. But I was doing phonetics, writing and numbers at home with him since he was 1. I've relaxed now as I realise the social aspects are a much more important element of school preparation and in my tiger mum obsession I stripped our house of the fun and curiosity of being a pre-schooler. Like many others have said the best thing you can do is ensure she's confident and loved and toilet trained. The school will do the teaching.

Research shows that these differences in young pre school children even out as they get older.

The main thing is for her to feel happy and not judged.

My daughters went to childminders. Both got firsts in their degrees from good universities.
I remember stressing about little things ( thinking they were big things) when my kids were that age, and I look back and wonder what on earth I was thinking!
(One of the kids who was quite behind in my eldest's reception class, now has a PhD and is an international expert in his field)

Stop worrying!

These threads make me sad. So sad!

It's utterly ridiculous to expect kids to be reading by 4. If your kid is interested and wants to learn at age 4 or under then great. Otherwise, leave them be. Some kids don't learn to read until they're much older and do great.

Don’t compare. Children develop at completely different rates. For example both my DCs have been through the same nursery with the same staff.

At 4 DC1 needed support to count beyond 3 and the only letter sound she consistently knew was her own first initial... however now she is in top groups for maths and english at school.

For contrast DC2 (4) can add and subtract numbers to 100 etc, Is reading simple sentences and can write. Unlike most of his class, many of whom are where my DC1 was at that stage.

My elder DS was always way "ahead". He could count to 100 forwards and back and did the phonics test they do in Y1 and got 40/40. In Reception he could do what the other children were doing - but he did it in Spanish as well to keep himself challenged. He'd count to 100 in Spanish and recite the days of the week/months of the year etc. It was impressive but it came at a huge price. The other kids weren't impressed by this. He was always by himself. He was so focused on learning that he forgot to have fun, make friends and he's really struggled and is very socially awkward even now at 7. He's highly anxious, and hates making mistakes and will often burst into tears and shout if he doesn't understand something. Even with an incredible reading ability he will NOT read books for fun.

DS has just turned 3. He can only recognise his name, write a scribbly version of it with a mix of upper/lowercase letters and count to 29. He can recognise a few letters in the alphabet but if I sit with him and try and teach him, he'll be silly and run off. He's toilet trained (much later than others) and can do the tripod pencil grip. His teacher says he's very popular, and so compassionate and lovely to everyone. This is ALL I want for him. I don't want him to be a little genius I just want him to be happy, have lots of friends and fun.

From Secondary school their lives will be stuffed with academic pressure. Let them enjoy being little.

No you haven’t failed her, truly. Aged 4 my DS has massive speech impediment, terrible motor skills and poor social skills.
Now a teen he is going well and getting good grades.

Your DD sounds very normal and love her and spend time with her and she will be fine.
I wish I had worried a lot less and enjoyed the little years a lot more

She’s 4! She’ll be fine!

My brother teaches reception and he says if they can dress themselves and vaguely follow directions when they start in his class, they’re already ahead of where he expects them to be.

Get the 5 minute mum book. It is fantastic, full of 5 minutes games that help with numbers, spellings and letters. My 4 year old loves the games from it and has learnt a fair bit. :) you’re not failing her though!

Hey, OP.
Sounds like you're doing the right thing by your child. Stick with it and don't compare.
My twin toddlers are linguistically and numerically advanced for their age, but they have learned experientially and I'm not doing structured learning with them, despite this, as they are a loooooong time in school.

I think you need to take a look at your own insecurities. If you continue to compare her with other kids you'll stress yourself and her out. Time for some self reflection I think. Be honest with yourself.

DS was always behind the milestones, didn’t sit up until 10 months, late walking. When he started nursery (daycare) just before he was 2 most were talking in sentences and he could only saw a couple of words. He started reception and was way behind all the kids who attended the school nursery as they’d started phonics already, he was only just 4 as he is an August baby. He’s coming up 16, predicted to achieve all 8’s and 9’s in his GCSE’s and is such a good kid. So it’s not a completion - it’s a race not a sprint and it’s at your own pace. Those kids were ahead then but they aren’t now. Well they might be on other things, everyone has their own areas where they shine. The best thing you can do is not to compare, it will balance out

Daughter is in reception class - she couldn’t spell her name, didn’t know any phonics and count pass ten before she started. Now she’s in the second highest group.
The worst thing you can do is flap.
If you had mentioned this at the end of reception then she would absolutely need help but calm yourself iago.
She’s 4.

(Oh and it’s great she can count up to thirty but she needs to understand what the quantity means otherwise it’s pointless and reception have said not to focus on more than 20 at present.)