To feel I've failed 4 year old and hindered her development?

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My DD is close in age to my friend's DD by a couple of months. Her DD can already spell her own name, has a fantastic memory and knows the phonetic alphabet.

My DD cant spell her own name, cant always remember letter sounds and is behind with her numbers as she cant get past 30.

The main difference I see between the two is that my DD is still with a childminder whilst friends DD is in nursery. I thought I made the right decision having DD with a childminder as I wanted her in a home environment and surrounded by children of differing ages. My DD is the oldest at the childminder right now ans mostly plays with toddlers.

I'm hoping she can catch up once she starts school in September and expect to read reports that shes behind for her age.

Are there any things I can do now to help her to prepare her for school?

My four year old started school not being able to do any of those things and there was a massive jump as she absorbed everything from lessons and advanced incredibly. The teacher also pointed out that sometimes she ends up wasting time by unteaching children things that well-meaning parents have taught them that aren’t helpful to the way they learn in school.

My DD couldn't spell her own name etc when she started school at 4, she was classed as average for her age. She went to Nursery, so I really don't think that is the difference there. They have probably sat her down and made her do it at home tbh.

Me again, back to apologise because my post sounded harsh. I do think you should stop worrying but thinking back I had those worries too - I always felt like ds1 was some sort of exam I had to pass poor kid and I would be judged if I got him wrong.

In terms of child development it is all about social and emotional skills at this age.

Entirely agree - your DD will be acquiring less 'visible' skills by playing with younger children; nurturing them, developing empathy, patience etc. I've worked in nurseries, am now in an infant school and have two children that have not that long ago gone through themselves. The main thing a reception teacher will welcome in the children being received is the ability to concentrate and sit calmly, very closely followed by self-care skills. In terms of 'failing her' - the EYFS 'expected' academic standards are really quite basic and many children are meeting them going into school. My DD is an average student but got marked as exceeding in every area of the EYFS at the end of YR.

Do everyday life things with your DD; cooking, letting her unlock the front door, sorting washing, putting on the washing, helping in the garden. Go for walks and get into nature, read regularly to her. These are all incredibly valuable and at her age are much more important than being fed number and letter facts. In fact I realise I've just entirely echoed corythatwas - but she/he's right.

My 4 year old cannot count, he just can't get past 3. He also struggles with colours. He can name countless types of fish, funghi and birds because that is what floats his boat.

Try not to worry, let her be her.

I'm going to try to be kind because I'm sure that your worry comes from a natural place where you are concerned about your DD.

But you need to stop. She's 4. No school expects her to be reading or writing yet. It's far more important that she has basic life skills like being able to use the toilet, dress, eat etc. Are her fine and gross motor skills developing? To compare one four year old to another is just crazy and you are not doing yourself or her any favours whatsoever. Because believe me, she'll start to pick up that you're disappointed in her and I can't imagine any situation where a parent being disappointed in their four year old is good for that four year old.

If some of this competitiveness is coming from your friend, "Oh, dd can't do that many numbers? How odd. DS picked it up so easily" stop hanging out with her because that level of competitiveness is not healthy for any of you.

DO NOT worry. What pre-schoolers need most is a loving environment, to develop confidence and verbal skills. The best thing you can do is talk with your child all the time, give them lots of experiences to talk about, read to them a lot.
I had both experiences with my children and the most successful was the childminder - of course they vary as do nurseries, but if you are happy with the arrangement do carry on.

To help her prepare for school...
Be able to sit quietly and listen to teacher
Be able to dress/undress herself for PE
Be able to eat nicely at lunchtime
Be sociable with other children
Be used to being away from mum for a reasonable amount of time.
The rest is taught in school!

I could've written your post!

We kept our 4 year old at childminders and I regret it. Our CM is amazing but she doesn't seem to do much of the early years stuff.... we've had to do numbers with her ourselves as she was very behind compared to her peers at nursery... she can now recognise 1-10
We are trying her on letters too.
She can do the first letter of her name, but not her full name.

She is the eldest at CMs now and I think she's a bit bored. But I have no doubt once she started school she will catch up quickly xxx

Please remember OP that all children are different and some have a real affinity for learning from a very early age and some take a little longer. The gap always seems huge when they're little but it all evens out as they get older.

Things we did with DD and DS were play Orchard Toys games. They have lots of fun number and phonics games. We also play lots of iSpy, starting with looking for things that were a colour, then phonics sounds. Any games with a dice really help with counting to 6 as well as recognising the dot patterns on a dice (we got a huge foam one which was loads of fun rolling in the lounge!!).

The biggest thing you can do is help school by reinforcing learning at home in a fun and non-pressured way. Your child is likely to better in some areas than others and that's totally okay.

Don’t worry.
If you do want to do stuff with her then read lots to her, let her draw and colour and be creative and take her out to places.

there is this total bonkers British obsession with 3 and 4 year old knowing the alphabet, sounds, being able spell their names 🙄

Most educational system (which are far more successful than the UK) don't start formal education until 6 or 7. I started school myself at almost 7 and could not spell before at all. It really didn't do me any harm.

At 4, other skills are much more important and at that stage, children learn through play, not sodding letters.

you need to get a grip, OP.

Also, "ben" might well learn to write his name sooner than "tarqinnious"
They are all learning different things according to their interests and environments.
My ds at 3 could name any car by its badge. Happily sitting in his own crap at the time!

You are failing her by comparing her to another kid at age 4.

It’s hard not to compare and when they go to school there are lots of other children doing different things. I would advise to take a few deep breaths and enjoy spending time with your child doing things that she enjoys. I put my children in a very play based nursery so they both couldn’t read or write or do phonics when they started school. They are both learning all these things now at school. Some children are more advanced than them but they both seem happy and have friends to play with which I feel is much more important. If you do compare just take a moment to think about what really matters.

School are more concerned that children can get undressed and dress themselves, put their coats on, go to the toilet and feed themselves. Everything else she’ll learn.

Read books, the teachers at my DC’s school say they can always tell the children that are read to.

Are you locking your DC in a cupboard under the stairs or beating them? No,.then you are not failing them. Are they warm,. clothed and loved? That's all a 4 year old needs.

My dd started Reception unable to read or write her name. Most kids will be the same.

My dd did her GCSEs last summer and got nothing below a 7 (grade A). Reading and writing early is not a sign of intelligence.

If you want your dd to be "ahead" in September, make sure she can do stuff like change in and out of her clothes (tights are tricky), wipe herself after having a poo and open a lunchbox and do all the fiddly stuff like open packets. Your teacher will be very happy if she can recognize her coat and zip it up before playtime. Bonus points if she remembers to put her gloves in her pockets when she takes them off.

Don't worry about the academic stuff. If you want to help her get school-ready then the following things are ready helpful:
Behind able to know when she wants to go to the toilet
Being able to go to the toilet without assistance (including proper wiping and hand-washing
Being able to get her coat on and off (and fastened/unfastened) without assistance
Ditto shoes
Being able to use cutlery
Being able to safely use scissors properly

I feel sorry for small children that are able to do the things your friend's child can do, especially in the UK where they start school so young. To me it's no different to starting solid food before recommended -- it doesn't make babies "advanced" and it can have real negative consequences.

4-yr-olds are supposed to play. It is the most intellectually demanding activity there is for them. Making them sit and learn letters or numbers is not developmentally appropriate.

I'm not saying you shouldn't have letter refrigerator magnets. Just keep things balanced.

Oh! Do read to her, it was one of our greatest pleasures (dd and I) and one of the best memories of her childhood! Not just bedtime stories but whenever you can. I used to read to dd when she was in the bath too, after washing of course (); sometimes we'd get so involved that we could spend an hour in there while dd lazed in the bath and got really relaxed before bed.

TBH I carried on reading to her in the bath until she was in her teens and would do it now if she asked me to (she's at Uni).

She’s 4 I mean seriously stop comparing, it isn’t a competition!!

My daughter is also 4 and goes to nursery, it’s attached to the school she’ll be going to and they do a considerable amount of learning to form the foundations for reception. If your daughter isn’t having any formal learning she is going to lag behind when compared to a child attending nursery where they are doing maths, reading and writing every day. As soon as your child starts school she’ll be doing the same and come on in leaps and bounds, the children who have attended nursery won’t be up to quantum physics by that point, maybe just able to add 2 number up, it’s no big deal!

My husband was chatting to a parent at a children’s party last week and they were actually moaning that there was too much formal learning at the nursery and not enough free play! So some people still aren’t happy when there’s too much focus on learning so young.

Why don’t you try to get her into a nursery for the last term before summer a couple of days a week? Get her mixing with children her own age more than anything.

Teacher her to:
wipe her own bottom
wash her hands after going to the loo
use a knife and fork- especially for baked beans- fingers are just messy.

Like many others have said (although I know it's difficult) try not to compare her to other children. Us parents want our children to be best at everything, but the point is although she might not be better at some things she probably is at others. Even if you feel she's not; that's ok.

If you haven't been told by health professionals that they have concerns then I probably wouldn't worry. Try to keep your chin up and carry on doing what you are, It sounds like you only want the best for your child which is great.

Please don't be hard on yourself, you made the right decisions to suit you and your life. Nursery does focus more on preparing children for school, that doesn't mean your daughter is getting held behind, it just means she's living a different life. Remember children start school with all different backgrounds some of which don't even socialise with any children.

Please don't do this. It's damaging. And ridiculous.