To feel I've failed 4 year old and hindered her development?

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My DD is close in age to my friend's DD by a couple of months. Her DD can already spell her own name, has a fantastic memory and knows the phonetic alphabet.

My DD cant spell her own name, cant always remember letter sounds and is behind with her numbers as she cant get past 30.

The main difference I see between the two is that my DD is still with a childminder whilst friends DD is in nursery. I thought I made the right decision having DD with a childminder as I wanted her in a home environment and surrounded by children of differing ages. My DD is the oldest at the childminder right now ans mostly plays with toddlers.

I'm hoping she can catch up once she starts school in September and expect to read reports that shes behind for her age.

Are there any things I can do now to help her to prepare her for school?

Blimey a MN 4 year old that can't read War and Peace in 10 different languages!!

My DC had exactly the same early years upbringing. DS at 4 sounds like your DC; DD at 4 sounds like your friend's DC. It's highly unlikely to be anything you've done (disclaimer - if you lock her in a cupboard all day and feed her on bread and water, then it might be your fault ...)

Believe me it makes no difference in the longer term. My elder DD is 23. She didn’t read until after age 5. When she went to school half the class has been to an academic local nursery while hers just did learning through play. She seemed really behind. She got all A/A* at GCSE/A level and is now studying to be a vet. Some of the early reading kids turned out to be quite mediocre academically.

The best advice for literacy is to read to her and with her each evening.

I'm a teacher, my children both went to a childminder because I didn't want their preschool years to be all about maths and phonics. I wanted a loving home environment with a focus on relationships and everyday experiences like cooking/playing games/making/talking.

In reception my son never wanted to read with me. He got there when he was ready and reads a book in an afternoon these days aged 10.

The most important thing you can do is read to your daughter. Share books and stories every single night. Teach her the wonder of books so she wants to read for herself. It's a lot more motivating in the long run than drilling children in phonics. (I'm not saying that's not a part of learning to read, but now is the time to read to your daughter, have fun outdoors as much as you can and talk about the world with her. Life is so much more than letters and numbers when you're 4!).

Of course she’ll catch up. And she’s probably been honing other skills in the meantime that your friend’s dd hasn’t.

Stop comparing 4 year old’s, they’re only starting!

Calm down. I couldn’t even speak English at 4. Attainment at preschool level means absolutely nothing.

I have 4 .. 1st could sort of read write her name and knew numbers letters etc before school..
2nd couldn't read or recognise ANY letters and still struggling now at 9!!!
3rd knew some letters numbers and he's name but couldn't sing alphabet
4th is also starting in September can count to 20 knows her alphabet can recognise some numbers and some letters
They learn in their own time all are different 1st 3 went to pre school for 2 years 4th hasn't been one day

(I realise I've inadvertently criticised nurseries and preschools in my post above. I know there are fabulous ones out there which focus on so much more than phonics! I just wanted a home from home for my children when they were little)

I worked in a nursery and I was a childminder nursery are hell on earth they dont teach children it's all child led . Childminders are far most nurturing environments. Shell be able to spell in p1 they all catch up

Don't compare her to other children, she is only 4 and not in school. I'm sure your Dd will be able to do things your friends Dc is unable to.

'Ahead', 'behind', 'catch up' - why do so many parents in the UK* see children's development as a race?
(*I say 'in the UK' because I live elsewhere and there just isn't even this vocabulary here. Not to mention the later school starting age. My 4yo is very, very verbal and clearly pretty bright, but her counting is dodgy past 15 and non-existent past 20 and we have to play I Spy in the usual local variant (using colours) because she can't connect letter sounds to the beginnings of words. She'll start school at nearly 6, or, if the local state government carries out its plan of moving the cut-off date by 3 months - pushed for by parents, incidentally -, nearly 7).

Assuming no particular educational needs, what they can do formal-learning-wise at this age is a reflection of what they've been exposed to, no more.

Some of dc understand so much earlier than others.

They pick up pens they want to know numbers, they get potty training because they understand. They get phonics and words.

It's the balance between keeping an eye on development in case of issues, but also relaxing and keep gently teaching the child in a sly non pressured way eg baking, measuring, fun magazines. And remember they all develop at different rates... Having said that do keep an eye on rough stages.

Erm... I would find another childminder/nursery where she is not the oldest one. She is not being stretched enough in the environment she is (or perhaps the childminder is too busy with several younger kids that she has not much time to stretch your daughter forward).

If you are worried, change childminders, It is true that childminders and nurseries follow the same curriculum but I’m sure that as in every profession in life there are people who may be more suited to deliver better results and go the extra mile.

Yeaaah, DS is the same age, still having intensive speech therapy, prefers to play alone, can’t dress himself yet (we’re working on it), a bit iffy with his toilet training... on the diagnostic pathway for autism. Count your blessings, op. Sorry if that sounds a bit unsympathetic, but I’m afraid I do find your worries a bit hard to empathise with, if I’m being totally honest.

She's only 4 and children develop at a different rate.
When she gets to school you'll realise that everyone is at different levels for stuff and it's ok. As long as children continually progress it doesn't matter if they do it quickly or slowly.
Learning should be about play at that age not about learning things by rote. Some children have an interest in reading and learning numbers at that age at thats ok, some like my DD would rather be messing about and thats ok too.

I worked in a nursery and I was a childminder nursery are hell on earth they dont teach children it's all child led.

Montessori nurseries are also child led and most of the kids are reading and writing pretty well, without being pushed, by the time they turn out 4.

It is all about quality of the provider. Having said that, if your DD feels happy and loved with current childminder, I would leave her where she is.

the best best best thing (apart from love and care) is to read with and to your DC, have books around - just share a love of books and stories... and associate it with a nice time - we use to pile cushions up and cuddle n read, have a story corner (2 big floor cushions one against the wall! with soft toys listening as well) and drink n biscuit sometimes (great book called give a mouse a cookie)
Go to the library if you have one near you and let her choose her own books....
make the positive connection with time with parents - turn everything else off! enjoy being with dd ....

🙄 she’s 4

I should have added DD has an excellent childminder and was always read to and played with in line with the EYFS curriculum but still struggled.
I'd never have swapped by CM for a nursery because the security afforded by continuity of care in a loving small group cannot be replicated imo in a nursery. We've had our CM from 14 months until the age of 9 and DD will stay there until she leave primary school.

Please don't compare your daughter to your friend's daughter. It's a long time since I had a reception class, but I do remember the child who could 'count' to 30+, but had no understanding of the purpose of numbers. To put it another way, she learned the words but had no concept of the value of numbers.

Mine went to nursery, cm and mixture of both. Ds was streets ahead in terms of reading and spelling, when he was 6, but the others have caught up. Numbers were a struggle for a while. As was getting dressed. I think getting dressed is a more vital life skill.

I think you do.tend to stress a bit over dc1. I've pretty much ignored dc2.

You won't get reports saying that she's behind.

The teacher will also have children in the class that have never used a knife and fork, never put their own shoes on, haven't been read a book or done anything with numbers, have never eaten at a table or had a vegetable, etc, etc.

And some will have undiagnosed SEN, abusive backgrounds, some will know all of them but have zero concept of what they mean and some will be further ahead than yours.

Just concentrate on her being happy and ready to learn.

'Ahead', 'behind', 'catch up' - why do so many parents in the UK see children's development as a race?*

THIS with knobs on!

The world is a wonderful magical place and this is the age when she really has the time to explore and discover. Why get hung up on whether she knows just a tiny selection of all knowledge there is when she will have so much time to catch up.

Couldn't disagree more with the poster who claimed the fact that she doesn't know a very small limited piece of information means she is not being stretched. If your childminder is a good and attentive person who engages with the children and talks to them she will be learning all sorts.

Listening to some people (and yes, it does seem a particularly English thing) you would think Useful Things to Do and Learn for a child was a tiny category of about 10 items which you have to reach on a certain date or else you are doomed. Nothing else of any value.

Listening to books is good. Enjoying made-up stories is also good. Singing together is good. Baking or shopping together or "helping" with DIY is brilliant. Splashing in puddles is good. Exploring nature is excellent. If she can tell a bluetit from a great tit or a male from a female mallard, that is also developing her brain.

My nephew learnt to cook a stir fry before he learnt the alphabet. At 19 he is an excellent chef and heading for a career in STEM.

I used to compare my DS to a friends son who was 3 months older and would feel dreadful as he was always way ahead of her. Roll on 30 years and they are both graduates and professionals working in the same field with the same qualifications. I wasted so much time comparing her and worrying instead of letting her crack on in her own time!

Yeah, she's ruined.

Seriously though, get a grip. Soon she will go to school where she will learn to read and write. I can tell you now that some children will do it quicker than she does and some will take longer. And it doesnt matter as long as she hers there, which she undoubtedly will.

Education is a marathon and not a sprint- and it includes many things not taught in a classroom. You need to relax.

One of my children couldn't read or even write their own name before school. The next child was pretty much fluent and writing in sentences. The next one could read but couldn't be bothered to.

No difference in attainment levels in primary.

All children are different and ability to read etc before school is just a party trick. Doesn't matter.

Nursery isn't always "better". Why would institutional childcare be better?

And that's not me having a go. I've used every kind of childcare setting going. Needs must.