To feel I've failed 4 year old and hindered her development?

[Hellodotdotdot]

My DD is close in age to my friend's DD by a couple of months. Her DD can already spell her own name, has a fantastic memory and knows the phonetic alphabet.

My DD cant spell her own name, cant always remember letter sounds and is behind with her numbers as she cant get past 30.

The main difference I see between the two is that my DD is still with a childminder whilst friends DD is in nursery. I thought I made the right decision having DD with a childminder as I wanted her in a home environment and surrounded by children of differing ages. My DD is the oldest at the childminder right now ans mostly plays with toddlers.

I'm hoping she can catch up once she starts school in September and expect to read reports that shes behind for her age.

Are there any things I can do now to help her to prepare her for school?

Exactly as Frankiecandle says in the very first response.

She's 4. The best thing you can do for her is not compare her to other kids

i agree that nursery is good for kids, but disagree with everything else about OP's hopefully tongue-in-cheek post.

Offs! She's 4!! Leave her to play! When my son went school at 4 he couldn't recognise any letters but could count to about 10. He was one of the youngest in the class but had been to nursery. Turns out he's dyslexic but is noa 15 and predicted too grades for all his GCSEs. At 4 and 5 there are massive developmental differences which all even out. My sit's best friend at school was a September child so nearly a whole year old than my son. He could read when he started reception but is now at the same level as my son.

Just chill out!!!

As PPs say, Comparison is the thief of joy

Is theCM preparing her for school in Sept? If she’s playing with toddlers all day everyday I think you have a right to be concerned as she will really struggle in a formal school environment as she won’t have the communication skills to negotiate friends with kids her own age (she might be top dog at the CM and be bossy towards the toddlers - can’t do this with kids her own age). Suggest you speak to the CM to get an idea of her progress and start looking at nurseries where they focus on pre-school prep

She’s 4. If she still can’t count to 30 at 14, it’s an issue. Now, not so much.

Learning these things is what Reception year is for. They are not expected to know all that. Nice if they do - but not expected. There seems to be a modern trend of worrying that children are not prepared for school (ie going into Reception at age 4) but although Reception classes are within infant/primary schools they ARE the 'preparation' for starting school.

Comparison is the thief of joy op. She will learn all these things when she enters school and in her own time.

Saying that, if you want to prepare her then you can do little things at home. Game style learning tools and teach her to write her name if she is receptive to it.

I have felt sad and like I failed my dc at various points but she is learning at her own pace and I just had to learn to accept it.

She's only four, lots of kids can't do that at four but pick it up well enough when they go to school even overtaking others.

You haven't let her down by her being with a childminder, I do however wonder what the childminder has been doing with her play-wise.

Why don't you teach her a few things if you're worried? Most people do even if they do go to work. However I don't think it is anything to be worried about.

She’s 4. If anything your friends dd may get bored in reception year. Once dd hit school, I realised a lot of the first year at school is spent institutionalising them and crowd control. For ever child, who can read there will be another child, who’s never been away from their main caregiver.

I work in Foundation, the last thing we want is children who can count to 30, already understand phonics etc (they have often been taught incorrectly and this makes our job twice as hard)
We (ideally) want children who can use the toilet independently, can put on their coat etc and if they can recognise their name it's a bonus but not the end of the world!
One of the most important things you can do as a parent is foster a love of books, read to them everyday, it's the first step towards them learning to read.

My DS could write his name, spell, add, count etc at 4. My DD can't. She can recognise some letters and sounds, can pick her name on a register.
Can count to 20 and add 1 and 2.

Both went to nursery. Both OCtober babies so amonsgt the eldest in their years.
Try not to worry - advice I need to take myself.

To be honest I think the vote is confusing. I voted YANBU because I latched on to 'I am hoping she will catch up'.

But I can see now that the issue could be seen as 'Was I wrong to send her to a CM and is that why she appears behind'' hence the votes YABU.

Or is it just me who misunderstood?

Look how they do it in Sweden OP. Early childhood is spent climbing trees, traversing mountains, cooking things over open fires, splashing in the mud, sledging in the snow, making music, building things with real tools... they don't start formal education til 7. Compare that to the UK where parents start panicking if Little Tarquin isn't reading War and Peace by his second birthday. The pressure put on children to 'learn' in the UK is disgusting.

Just to add.. a lot of school readiness isn’t about the reading / writing / counting skills, but about having the fine and gross motor skills they then need to be able to do those things. So cutting with scissors, playing with play dough, building with blocks, threading beads, are all things you can do to build up those muscles in the hands, which will help later. Spending time reading with her, showing her how to handle a book, turn the pages, that the words go from left to right, having her tell the story from the pictures. Playing games that involve matching (helps with word recognition later) or counting (eg snakes and ladders). When mine were toddlers we counted the steps every time we went up the stairs.
And my ds that started school at 5, unable to write his own name? Off to uni in September to study law! They all shine in their own time.

Don't worry. She doesn't sound behind to me but also:

I have 3 dc.
Dd1 was fascinated by letters and numbers. She knew them all by 2 and was beginning to read. But she didn't know any colours until she was 3.6yo. No interest.
Dd2 had no interest in learning the individual letters, but she loved reading and was fluent earlier than dd1.
Ds (also a summer baby, whereas the other two were winter) thought the only purpose in letters was being able to type "Red Arrows and Concorde" into google so he could watch videos. He didn't know what it meant, simply that it got him what he wanted. He was not interested in doing anything with pen and paper even in reception.

They're teens now and I can see it's made no difference. They're pretty similar in ability/achievement.

In the reception forms some children come in reading, some come in not knowing what a book is. By the end of year 1 certainly, as long as the parents support them at school, it doesn't make any difference. Yes, some of the early readers will stay ahead-that probably simply means they are interested in reading so do it voluntarily and so would have got ahead anyway.
For example, in dd1's reception for 5 came in reading. When they put them on tables for reading group work at the start of year 1: 2 were on top table, 1 was second table and 2 were 4th table. (out of 5)
It wasn't that they hadn't got better, just that the other children had caught up and overtaken.

A primary school teacher told me if they can identify their own name and put on their own shoes and jacket that is all the prep they need.

I mean, I think development does just vary. My 2 yo is with a childminder FT when I'm at work and his language is within normal range but definitely below average I reckon. My friend's 2yo is with a childminder too, PT, and his talking is massively ahead! I don't think setting has as much to do with development as you think.

My youngest was like your friends DD, knew her numbers and letters backwards and forwards by 3. She has a good memory for stuff like that but she is academically average and is actually a little behind in school. My older dd could never remember stuff like that and she is excelling in school. My eldest was reading by 3, by secondary school she hated books and as an adult never reads. A lot of small children seem very bright because they have good memories and are parroting stuff that they have picked up but you just can't judge at that age. The important thing is that she is happy and secure at the childminders, she will learn all that stuff when she needs to.

My dd had a little friend who, at the age of 4 could read fluently, do maths and draw beautifully, had a wide vocabulary. She is now a medical doctor and using her academic gifts in a practical way.
Luckily I never compared my kids to her!

Reading age is not indicative of future intelligence - you are ok! Just let her be. If you want to do things with her - play games using phonics (even just lotto or something)

Yeah don’t compare.

Why can’t you spend time with her reading writing and counting? Or do you anyway?

In France pretty much no one starts to read before 6. I just went with it. Read stories at night. Didn't worry. They're very bright. Doing well at school. Giving a love of learning is the best you can do.

I would be more focused on her being able to socialise confidently, her empathy, communication skills and forming firm attachments with others.

I have been told by primary teachers children can become bored if they start school already knowing much of the curriculum.

I’d relax and let her play and enjoy her pre school years.

Childminders and nurseries follow the same EYFS curriculum for under 5s so it's not because you put her with a CM rather than a nursery. As PPs have said, school readiness is more about practical skills like being able to put her own coat on, getting dressed with minimal assistance, interacting with peers, feeding self, using the toilet reliably if she is able to, etc.

One of my DC started Reception barely having ever held a pen as they were so resistant to writing, within a couple of weeks the same child was writing their own name along with a few other words and last week got a certificate for excellent handwriting.

Reading will come too. All my DC started off with 'pictures only' reading books where they would use the pictures to tell a story in their own words, they'd try guess what would happen next, talk about what the characters were doing, etc.