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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my friend was incredibly unfair?

589 replies

Refreshed · 06/03/2020 20:32

I look after a friend's 2 primary school DC's when they've finished school, every Monday. They often have swimming lessons so I take them to that, whilst I have a short swim with my DS and then get ready to get them.

They are on a small break from it so we did a fun swim instead. Their mum asked me to take them to Pizza Express for dinner. The one she was thinking of is no longer there so I took them to Pizza Hut style place instead.

My own DS was asleep and wasn't having anything. We got a huge pizza with bottomless drinks for all of us. The kids had an ice cream each. This all came to £16 so a fairly good deal. Loads of pizza was left over so I packed it up for the kids.

When we got to their house I handed over the change (the mum had given me £40 for their food). The receipt for it all was coincidentally in there to.

I've just received a text from friend saying ''Hi, was your drink at the pizza place paid for by you? Just wondered as the money was for [NAME REMOVED] and [NAME REMOVED]. The pizza was obviously huge so not bothered at that being shared! "

In truth I didn't pay for my own drunk, no. It was £2.70. Yet I don't charge if I've ever picked something up for the boys quickly. I don't charge for petrol going to and from their school or swimming.

Was I really being that cheeky or is she rude? Blush

[Edited by MNHQ to remove RL names]

OP posts:
WaterOffADucksCrack · 07/03/2020 01:30

Cohle you wouldn't even buy your friend a drink after eveything OP is doing. How mean and tight! I agree with a pp, one of the most unattractive traits. I don't imagine people who treat others like that to have many, if any, friends.

SisterAgatha · 07/03/2020 01:36

It’s not even buying her a drink, it’s providing sustenance during her “working” hours, if we are going to liken this to a business arrangement.

If a babysitter were in your house looking after your children, you’d let her have your water/tea/coffee, but at a restaurant of your choice looking after your children (which she has no need to even be in), shes expected to buy her own?

StoppinBy · 07/03/2020 01:52

Sorry that your friend showed her true colours, some people are givers and some are takers, it's pretty obvious which ones you each are.

If any of my friends were minding my kids like that I would be shouting them the whole of that dinner and not asking them to pay their own way while taking my children out, my guess is you wouldn't have even been out for dinner except for her request that you do so?

If your son had been awake would she expect you to have shelled out for both of you while she only paid for her kids things? If that is the case then she is more than happy to see you out of pocket to suit her desires/needs while not being happy to do the same for you..............what a cow!

Cohle · 07/03/2020 01:56

If a friend gave me a sum for money for a specific purpose I wouldn't blithely assume it was ok to spend some of that money on myself without their permission.

The sum of money involved makes it petty, but I think OP's behaviour was a little off that's all.

Of course I'd buy a friend a drink. But if a friend unilaterally bought themselves a drink on my card and left me to find out later when I looked at my bank statement, I'd be slightly taken aback.

I don't think doing someone a favour magically entitles you to help yourself to their cash if you feel like they're being cheeky. Talk to them about it or stop doing the favour - surely you don't just help yourself to what you feel like you deserve without telling them.

StoppinBy · 07/03/2020 01:58

@Cohle that may be true if the OP had suggested taking the kids out to the restaurant but she didn't so here are the facts

OP wouldn't be at the restaurant if she wasn't minding the friends children

OP wouldn't be needing to buy herself anything if she wasn't at the restaurant that her friend asked her to take her kids to

If you think your friend should be out of pocket because A/they are doing you a favour and B/ because you asked them to go somewhere where they would need to spend money on either themselves or their own children then you are the CF in that scenario.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 07/03/2020 02:08

Alright @Cohle but back in the real world...

Cohle · 07/03/2020 02:23

I'm not sure what you mean by that @itsallthedramaMickiloveit...

HannaYeah · 07/03/2020 02:30

It might be different if the friend had not set the standard; expecting OP to spend her time and resources without real compensation to care for her DC.

When a friend is causal about consuming my resources I take that to mean they are also open to me consuming theirs. If you come to my house and take a coke out of the refrigerator without asking, I’m going to assume you consider our relationship intimate enough to do that and that you expect/wish me to do the same when I’m visiting your home.

Whatifitallgoesright · 07/03/2020 02:33

Are you including petrol costs in with your hourly rate?

Greenpolkadot · 07/03/2020 02:41

If you must look after them then don't take them anywhere after school. Let her sort out their after school activities

katy1213 · 07/03/2020 02:42

That'll be petrol expenses in arrears minus £2.70 then. And you won't be taking them swimming on Monday. Reminds me of that CF lift saga a couple of weeks ago.
Very rude anyway to demand that you take her kids for pizza without saying that you and your son were included; does she expect you to sit and watch, or step up to the extra expense when you'd maybe just go home and make your own dinner if you weren't lumbered with her kids?

Kinneddar · 07/03/2020 02:44

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itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 07/03/2020 02:53

It means @Cohle that you really are that type of person.

Cohle · 07/03/2020 02:59

I mean, yes, I am the sort of person who would feel uncomfortable spending my friend's money on myself without their permission.

I've acknowledged that I'm clearly in the minority on this one and that the amounts involved mean the friend was petty to kick up a fuss. It's just that I do understand in principle why the friend felt this was a little off of the OP.

You seem to be getting oddly personally aggressive about this though.

tensmum1964 · 07/03/2020 03:07

I really hope that your friend is extremely inconvenienced now that you are no longer taking her boys swimming. What a silly and mean woman. Good riddance OP.

bonnielassie1 · 07/03/2020 03:12

That is shocking!! If she comes crawling back make sure you stand your ground!

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/03/2020 03:23

Cohle
The whole point is the friend should have said the £40 was for op and her ds as well - or at the very least expected to include them. She was the one asking the favour. She shouldn’t seriously expect op to shell anything out. The £10 she has been giving is to cover basic expenses for the children as paying childminder fees to someone, who is not one is illegal. But £10 doesn’t even do that, does it?

Refreshed
You sound like a lovely friend taking her children swimming every week. What a shame she hasn’t appreciated your kindness. She will have to pay the going rate now.

Cohle · 07/03/2020 03:35

The whole point is the friend should have said the £40 was for op and her ds as well

Yes she should have, and I certainly would have done in her shoes. But the point is she didn't. OP can't just decide for herself that she's entitled to spend her friend's money on herself without that permission.

I sometimes help out my elderly neighbour by doing a shop for her. It would never occur to me to assume I could buy items for myself with her money, not tell her I'd done so and leave her to work it out by going through the receipt, and then get arsey when she queried it. Yes I'm doing her a favour but I still feel obligated not to take advantage of her trust.

DropYourSword · 07/03/2020 03:49

I sometimes help out my elderly neighbour by doing a shop for her. It would never occur to me to assume I could buy items for myself with her money, not tell her I'd done so and leave her to work it out by going through the receipt, and then get arsey when she queried it.

That’s an entirely different scenario and not comparable with this one.
I’m not sure if you’re being deliberately obtuse or whether you really don’t get this. One is goady, the other is concerning!

LouiseCollina · 07/03/2020 03:57

@Cohle I’m fascinated as to why you’re looking straight past the financial pisstaking the OP has endured for six straight weeks and focusing on the price of a soft drink?? Is there some tight-arsed club I ought to know about in order to avoid?!

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/03/2020 04:02

Cohle
You say op can’t decide for herself to spend her friend’s money. The friend seems to have no such qualms. They were there at her behest after all. Using restaurant facilities necessitates ordering food and a drink. Or did she expect op and her ds to stand outside the restaurant whilst the children ate, just nipping in to order, pay, cut up the pizza and take them to the loo etc?

And as DropYourSword has said, your example is entirely different.

Cohle · 07/03/2020 04:26

That’s an entirely different scenario and not comparable with this one.

In what way do you think the scenarios are different?

I’m fascinated as to why you’re looking straight past the financial pisstaking the OP has endured for six straight weeks and focusing on the price of a soft drink?

Because, as I've said already, I think that's a separate issue that should be addressed separately. If OP was unhappy with that arrangement (as she has every right to be) she should have raised that with the friend. Not just taken it upon herself to treat herself out of money the friend intended to be spend on the kids. If my babysitter thinks
I'm underpaying him I wouldn't be happy with him just helping himself to cash I'd left around the cash.

You say op can’t decide for herself to spend her friend’s money. The friend seems to have no such qualms. They were there at her behest after all. Using restaurant facilities necessitates ordering food and a drink.

But the OP had the opportunity to decline the request, or to clarify with her friend if the money was intended to include OP's family as well. OP's friend was given no such opportunity.

FourDecades · 07/03/2020 04:29

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Mummyoflittledragon · 07/03/2020 04:56

Cohle
Your logic on occasionally doing a bit of shopping vs being responsible for two primary aged children, collecting them from school, taking them into a swimming pool and feeding them on a weekly basis analogy is seriously flawed. You also don’t take into consideration that people have things going on with their lives and have different personalities. Op has a lot going on. Not everyone has the time, energy or mental space to clarify everything.

I see we will not agree.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 07/03/2020 05:17

Your friend is outrageous.

As a point of comparison, whenever I ask our nanny to take the kids to a restaurant for lunch (eg in holidays), we pay for her meal and drink. Otherwise she’s out of pocket, and she can’t exactly bring her own food from home the way she could if they were eating in the house or having a packed lunch picnic!