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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to spend my first mothers day just my husband and daughter?

144 replies

Pondlife87 · 06/03/2020 17:29

Question is in the title. Would it be acceptable to want to do this, or should I be spending it with Grandma's too?
I don't know what I want to do yet, just wondered what people thought about not inviting Grandmas)?

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 06/03/2020 19:03

Shit is it Mother's Day this weekend?

No, 22nd apparently.

EyeDrops · 06/03/2020 19:07

I think people are being a bit harsh. It's perfectly reasonable to feel that your own 'first' mothers day as a mother is special. It doesn't mean you'll drop spending it with your DM/MIL forever! You'll also know how they would feel about that. Mine would perfectly understand and be happy with a Facetime or phonecall, and card/gift the day before or after. You are not heartless or princessy to want this one to be special. IMO at least!

footphobic · 06/03/2020 19:08

To the poster that says that Mothers’ Day is made up - I suppose any day of note has its origin and is made up at some point. But Mother’s Day does have a long history, first as the more religious Mothering Sunday, which gradually adapted into the more secular celebration day we know. I appreciate the influence of this came from the US, however we’ve embraced it and for many it’s very meaningful.

I agree that ideally we should show appreciation and love to people (mums) in small kind ways every day, but personally, I do embrace Mothers Day as a special day. I don’t see it as commercial, it really doesn’t have to be, or made-up or a bit pointless; there’s nothing wrong with having a specific day to celebrate and appreciate mums, who we often, even if we don’t mean to, take for granted.

It can be a hard day for those who, for different reasons don’t have their mum in their life, particularly those with a recent loss - my own mum died suddenly when I was a small child so I do find it hard in that respect, even now having turned 50.

But for the OP, the day is for all the generations of mums in a family to be celebrated by their children, so if you and your DP or H has a mum you have a happy relationship with you should want to include them. I think YWBVU not to.

💐 to those for whom it’s a difficult and emotional day.

Yesterdayforgotten · 06/03/2020 19:10

OP YANBU your first Mothers day is been special and you should spend it however you please. Not everyone has fantastic relationships with their dms either. I spent my first one with my dm and she made the day all about her and I spent it running after her and she didn't acknowledge I was a mother also. I felt about 12 again!

Yesterdayforgotten · 06/03/2020 19:10

is really *

Yesterdayforgotten · 06/03/2020 19:13

Now I tend to celebrate it with my dm the day before and then just wih my DH and dc on the day which works well for my family. It also allows my single childless sibling to spend the day with her which is quite nice as they tend to go for a meal.

TheGreatWave · 06/03/2020 19:17

I did, but my PFB was only a week old. I then arranged her 6th birthday party on mother's Day.

I never see my Mum on the day.

SpokeTooSoon · 06/03/2020 19:17

Project forward to when your baby is a parent themself. Would it bother you if they wanted to spend Mother’s Day just with their partner and child?

ooooohbetty · 06/03/2020 19:17

Harsh. Wait until your child is grown up and doesn't want to see you on Mother's Day. See how selfish you think they are then.

Murphs1 · 06/03/2020 19:19

When my mum was here Mother’s Day was for the both of us. We always spent it together and I couldn’t imagine then wanting to spend it just with my husband and children. That said you’re entitled to do as you wish and not everyone feels the same way. (btw I never excluded my mil, she often couldn’t join us as she lived 3.5 hours away)

PlumsGalore · 06/03/2020 19:25

I think zoecarter has the right idea. Leave the DC with the menfolk and all the mums, whatever generation, can bugger off somewhere nice for the day.

This avoids the usual MN shite on mother’s day about how disappointed some posters are with their day.

I might go to a Chinese restaurant with DM, DD and DMil and get a lift there and a lift home from DH and drink too much wine.

Purpletigers · 06/03/2020 19:25

Mother’s Day is for the mother to be spoiled by the child . If it’s your first Mother’s Day then your child won’t even know what day it is . Spend the day with your mum and mil. Your time will come .

lachy · 06/03/2020 19:28

I'm not bothered about a fuss being made of me, I'm very happy with a wonky card made by DD and a bunch of daffs.

However, I will make a fuss of my mum, because she does a lot for us (as does my dad). She's my mum - It's a day when I can treat her, spend a bit more time with her and she gets an extra bunch of daffs from her granddaughter.

nestisflown · 06/03/2020 19:31

I think you can dictate what you do, but not what your husband does if he wants to spend the day with his mother.

Maybe83 · 06/03/2020 19:32

I'm not a grandmam. Mothers day morning is flowers cards breakfast with my children.

Then I spend the day with my mam and dh his. Children usually come to see my mam and then go to his with him.

Littlebluetruck · 06/03/2020 19:34

OP, I don’t think you are being unreasonable wanting to spend Mother’s Day with just your husband and daughter at all. In fact, it’s what most people I know do. I can’t relate to all of these responses you’re getting on here.

Do people spend time with their mums or MILs on Mother’s Day? I’ve never done that since I left home

I’m as perplexed as you!

I always have a card for my mum, but once I started having my own children my mum encouraged me to spend the day with them and make memories whilst they were younger. Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, birthdays etc have always been more child focused in my family. I can’t wrap my head around adults expecting to be “spoiled” or “honoured” on their special day. Pass me the sick bucket!

Pilot12 · 06/03/2020 19:35

I spend the day with my children, OH will call round to see his Mother at some point in the day (it's Mother's Day for her too so she deserves to see her son and get a gift from him. I'd be very upset if my children don't call round to see me on Mother's Day when they're grown up). My Mother lives a long way away so I send her flowers and a card.

meggybug · 06/03/2020 19:36

Oh my god people are being so horrible! It's your first Mother's Day as a mother! I think it's totally fine to want to spend it with your own new family, and I'm sure your one mum / mil would understand! Enjoy your lovely day x

saraclara · 06/03/2020 19:39

Mothers day when my kids were at home was a one or two hour thing. Card, breakfast, little gift/flowers. I don't think it has to be exclusive, if the adults in the family have their own mothers reasonably local.

BreatheAndFocus · 06/03/2020 19:40

YADNBU. Explain to your mum and see her on another day close to Mothers’ Day. Definitely phone/FaceTime here though.

1forAll74 · 06/03/2020 19:40

I wish that my Mum was still around, If she had still been alive,I would have spent the day with her no matter what.

Downton57 · 06/03/2020 19:41

Is Mother's Day not about showing appreciation for your mum? Why would that change when you have your own kids? I do think the idea of turning it into a special day for oneself is almost guaranteed to be a total let down, as it relies on the co-operation of other people who may not be willing to play along.

Lynda07 · 06/03/2020 19:42

Do you not already have days with just your husband and daughter? I know when I was in your shoes the three of us often had time together.
I don't see Mother's Day as being any different really especially as your child is still a baby, it seems a bit 'precious' to make such a thing of what is basically a commercialised day. However it will have some importance to your two mums.

Invite them over for lunch or tea and get your husband to do the catering.

Noodlenosefraggle · 06/03/2020 19:45

I spent my first mothers day giving birth, so did spend it with just DH and DS, but I too think if you can spend lunch with grannies, why not? Is your DC their first grandchild? If so, its their first mothers day as grandmothers. My mum couldn't care less about a card from me, but she keeps the cards my DC send her. What are you going to do on your own on Mothers day? Will you be expecting your DH to be handing you peeled grapes and champagne for the whole 24 hours, or will you just have a nice breakfast on your own followed by a nice lunch, followed by a nice dinner? Its not that big a festival that you can just spend it doing stuff all day, partly because other people will be 'doing stuff' with their mothers too. So you may as well invite family around and have a day where all the mothers in the family get spoilt. YOu;ll have the morning together.

Piglet208 · 06/03/2020 19:45

I think it depends on what you normally do. If you normally see both your dm and mil then they might be hurt if that changes. Have a chat with dh. He might need a prompt to realise he should do something for you anyway. If he wants to see his dm for lunch then you could start the day with a nice breakfast just the three of you before you see your families. If nobody minds then plan the day that you would like. Ignore the people saying it's a made up day. I think it's very traditional and rather lovely.

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