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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to veto 3000 strangers coming to my wedding?

383 replies

sooopersatsuma · 06/03/2020 13:20

Name changed for this one!

I am in love with an Indian man and due to not so subtle hints I know he is going to propose soon and I am so excited!

I have the most wonderful soon to be MIL however in my DPs family and culture the wedding is all about the parents not the bride and groom. The parents plan everything. My DPs family, not as well off as you would assume, have saved up 6 figures for his wedding, a lifetime of savings! This will be an extravagant affair with elephants and 3000 strangers. It's my worst nightmare. But MIL has already excitedly told me about her plans (normal in that culture and very generous) but it is totally not what I want.

Im imagining a small intimate wedding with only close friends and family. As soon as we're engaged MILs planning will commence immediately and everything will be booked, so this is something I want to address before.

DP wants to please his mother and as weddings in his family are all about the parents he doesn't see it so much as our day but his mothers. Hes grown up with weddings like this so always imagined his own would be as extravagant.

£200,000 on a wedding is ridiculous isn't it? Ive suggested meeting somewhere in the middle, but I don't want 3000 strangers there, but this the most important aspect to MIL, that it's an open invitation with everyone they have ever met. She wants to show off her son and its a very social affair. I have hinted it will be too much and she insists I will love it. She will be devastated if I say no. AIBU to veto 3000 strangers at my wedding?

OP posts:
VadenuRewetje · 06/03/2020 17:27

I haven't voted because I think you can and should do both.

I agree spending 6 figures on a wedding is utterly ridiculous but it is their money, to do with as they wish.

It's totally normal for marriages between people of two cultures to involve multiple events. I know one couple who had 4 different ceremonies in 4 countries as each had strong attachments to 2 different (and non-overlapping) cultures. In your position I would arrange an English wedding that is to your own tastes - modest guest list, not too fussy and with everything as you would wish it. Then after that, go over to India and get through the ordeal. The 3000 people aren't there for "your wedding" - they are there as the return-favour for the fact that they invited your ILs to their childrens weddings etc.

In your opinion, the English event can be the "real" wedding, and the Indian one is just something you are doing as a favour to your husband's family - and it doesn't matter to you much what the arrangements are or who is there as it isn't your actual wedding. They will perceive the Indian event as the "real" thing and the English event was just a little thing you felt you have to do. Everyone wins.

MamaDane · 06/03/2020 17:31

YANBU but I still think you shouldn't veto the grand wedding. I think you'll have a lot of fun and that it'll be a day to remember for sure. Imo you should try to embrace it.

Ninkanink · 06/03/2020 17:33

Fair enough, @PuppyMonkey and it doesn’t bother me one bit! Smile And I presume that conversely, you either have no disposable income after spending on what is actually needed for you to live, or that anything above that goes to people less fortunate than you?

Luunaa · 06/03/2020 17:37

Aw OP, I feel for you! However if you love this man- and I think you do!- suck it up. Embrace it, love it. BUT I'd insist on two weddings- and the family not flying out to the other

Italiangreyhound · 06/03/2020 17:41

I'm with VadenuRewetjeI too haven't voted because I too "...think you can and should do both."

I'd make a condition that your real' wedding be first, this is the one where you make your vows with your fiance in the way you and he want to do so. Then I would happy let my MIL plan and pay for the wedding of the century with a cast of thousands. It won't be your real wedding, it will be for show and for the sake of the family etc, but for your MIL it probably will feel like the 'real wedding' and so you will both be very happy.

PointlessAddict · 06/03/2020 17:43

The whole thing is madness. And why his “culture” trumps the culture you would prefer to adhere to and your own wishes for a wedding is beyond me. Spending £200k on a wedding unless you are properly minted (and even then) is ridiculous. 3000 strangers is madness.

I wouldn’t marry him OP or if you stay with him pop down the register office and don’t tell anyone. If you go ahead with this it will only be the start of your ILs taking over everything and your partner not standing up to rhem

Alsohuman · 06/03/2020 17:43

I think I’d completely dissociate the Indian extravaganza from “my wedding” psychologically. Have your small intimate ceremony here to legalise the marriage then have what sounds like an amazing party so your Pil don’t lose status in their community. Just tell yourself you’re already married and it’s not your wedding, it’s Mil’s chance to have the party she’s saved for and dreamt of for decades. If you go along with her, it’s money in the bank for the times you disagree on other issues.

PuppyMonkey · 06/03/2020 17:44

@Ninkanink - the first one unfortunately.Grin

buttonmoonb4tea · 06/03/2020 17:45

That's a ludicrous amount of money to spend, especially in a country that has such high levels of poverty!

I couldn't do it. It's a no from me, sorry.

YANBU

Ninkanink · 06/03/2020 17:49

@PuppyMonkey I’ve been there, for many years; no shame in not having extra. I hope things improve for you, and also that if that happens you get to have some treats! The sad truth is, no one can help everyone even if they are willing to give everything away. I feel no guilt in having nice things now that there is room in my budget for saving towards them.

My comment was light hearted in nature, I hope that came across.

Also don’t want to derail too much.

WorraLiberty · 06/03/2020 17:49

In your opinion, the English event can be the "real" wedding, and the Indian one is just something you are doing as a favour to your husband's family - and it doesn't matter to you much what the arrangements are or who is there as it isn't your actual wedding. They will perceive the Indian event as the "real" thing and the English event was just a little thing you felt you have to do. Everyone wins.

If I was Scottish (as the OP has said she is) I'd have the proper hump around about now Grin

Or whatever the Scottish equivalent of 'having the hump' is Grin

Original poster
sooopersatsuma · 06/03/2020 17:49

Theres been lots of wonderful ideas, thank you for your suggestions. We had already discussed my DP sporting a kilt and myself a sari, they're so beautiful and colourful! Grin

In a way posting has confused me more! The vote is almost at 50:50 YABU/YANBU.

And for those of you asking if you can come of course you can! I probably won't even notice the extra 200 people Wink

Many people have raised concerns about cultural differences in the future. Although it seems confusing our cultures really aren't that different. Our parents have very similar occupations, and outlooks. Our parents get on wonderfully! His parents are very open minded for an Indian family. All the potential clashes such as the wedding are things we can work around. Everyone in both families is fairly easy going, I am very lucky. Smile

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 06/03/2020 17:56

The thing is the family may see your big Indian wedding as the real thing and you may see your smaller Scottish event as the real thing. I think that way everyone wins.

I lived in a culture where it was normal to have two weddings, a religious and a civil one, that type of thing. It was very normal to invite loads to one of the weddings and this kind of showed how prosperous you were etc. In your shoes, i would not want to take it away from your husband's side of the family. But if you are already married when it happens then in your mind/in legal terms/whatever it won't actually be your wedding. You can say yes to the guests etc and feel happy knowing your dh (to be's) family are happy.

YES, I think it is a lot to spend on a wedding but it is their money and it will make them happy, yes?

Thanks
OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 06/03/2020 17:56

I have family members married to spouses who have Indian parents I've retyped this about 15 times and still can't get the right note here so apologies if I've worded this very badly and they've all done the two wedding affair. Mainly because they all wanted both family's cultures to be celebrated. And in one case because the one with the Indian heritage didn't feel that it was that massively their culture but compromised.

Not keen on the Elephants though.

Italiangreyhound · 06/03/2020 17:57

The only thing I really would not be sure about is the elephants, is it cruel?

Boshmama · 06/03/2020 17:59

I think have both!! Why not have a private ceremony for you, DP and a few close friends/family and then the next day or week have the big Indian wedding? Then you both get what you want.

If I put myself in his mum's shoes I can empathise but also see where you're coming from.

Also I've never been to a better wedding than an extravagant Indian one!

Although I would veto the elephants because that's plain cruelty - cultural or not.

madcatladyforever · 06/03/2020 18:03

YABVU my mum married an Indian man in the 1960s which was outlandish in those days for both families concerned but my mums inlaws would have died of shame without the massive wedding. It was bad enough with me in tow she was an unmarried mum.
Mum did it for her inlaws. It was their special day and they have died now.

Howdy1212 · 06/03/2020 18:04

I get it, it's their tradition (I myself am from a similar background however so is DH and we knew our wedding would be a mix of our friends and family as well as parent contacts).

It may not be what you want, but part of the parcel of marrying this man. Could you look at doing a separate day for your perfect day too?

WorraLiberty · 06/03/2020 18:06

madcatladyforever your story really isn't similar to the OP's is it?

So I'm not sure how you can call her 'very unreasonable' Confused

derxa · 06/03/2020 18:09

Or whatever the Scottish equivalent of 'having the hump' is Scunnered
Worra Grin I would love the big wedding. I don't understand this passion on MN for a registry wedding with two strangers as witnesses. Straight back to work of course.

mumwon · 06/03/2020 18:23

one thing op - from what I have seen its quite acceptable (traditional!) for bride to sit looking at the floor being (pretending to be dsil Grin - love you lots!) to be shy & modest. It will be your mil & sil who will do the social meet & greet not you - you will have food brought to you money - in some places not all - pinned to your dress or gifts of saris etc & jewellery - you will probably visit the beautician & hairdresser with your sil visit aunties & uncles who will feed wonderful things - does his family have 3 day weddings like my dh family did? female only one at home with family etc talk to your husband to be - you see your wedding there is showing you are accepted by his family which is great & its a gift from them to you

PatchworkMonkey · 06/03/2020 18:24

I've seen Indian weddings on the TV and I think they look incredible TBH! So colourful, musical and happy. I'd love it. But you should have a say in it, and your own traditions matter too,.

WorraLiberty · 06/03/2020 18:25

Ahh that's it derxa Grin

ineedaholidaynow · 06/03/2020 18:27

For Indian families who can’t afford an extravagant wedding for their children is their life just full of shame and humiliation?