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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to veto 3000 strangers coming to my wedding?

383 replies

sooopersatsuma · 06/03/2020 13:20

Name changed for this one!

I am in love with an Indian man and due to not so subtle hints I know he is going to propose soon and I am so excited!

I have the most wonderful soon to be MIL however in my DPs family and culture the wedding is all about the parents not the bride and groom. The parents plan everything. My DPs family, not as well off as you would assume, have saved up 6 figures for his wedding, a lifetime of savings! This will be an extravagant affair with elephants and 3000 strangers. It's my worst nightmare. But MIL has already excitedly told me about her plans (normal in that culture and very generous) but it is totally not what I want.

Im imagining a small intimate wedding with only close friends and family. As soon as we're engaged MILs planning will commence immediately and everything will be booked, so this is something I want to address before.

DP wants to please his mother and as weddings in his family are all about the parents he doesn't see it so much as our day but his mothers. Hes grown up with weddings like this so always imagined his own would be as extravagant.

£200,000 on a wedding is ridiculous isn't it? Ive suggested meeting somewhere in the middle, but I don't want 3000 strangers there, but this the most important aspect to MIL, that it's an open invitation with everyone they have ever met. She wants to show off her son and its a very social affair. I have hinted it will be too much and she insists I will love it. She will be devastated if I say no. AIBU to veto 3000 strangers at my wedding?

OP posts:
drumandthebass · 06/03/2020 18:27

I like the idea of him in a kilt and you in a Sari OP

StSaulOfSnacks · 06/03/2020 18:30

Isn't it usual in India for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding? Not the groom's?

sueelleker · 06/03/2020 18:31

It's not quite the same, but there's a lovely fiction book by Christina Jones;www.fantasticfiction.com/j/christina-jones/enormously-english-monsoon-wedding.htm

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 06/03/2020 18:37

The only thing I would add- I would not rely on the 'we would not expect to lookk after his family' thing. Maybe for now, but at one point you may have to, especially if he is the eldest. Not all families are like that, but two friends ebnded up divorcing because it turned out years down the line that one's husband decided to move back to India, and the other's that he wanted and eventually brought his mother over to live with them and things turned very unpleasant. The oder they got, the more traditional they became and in those two cases there was no moving forward, depsite the rosy beginnings.
So may be something worth considering or talking about after he proposes.

Marmit · 06/03/2020 18:38

There is so much thinly veiled racism on this thread. Depressing.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/03/2020 18:39

Why is it so hard to understand that other cultures have other customs and mores that people in the U.K. might not relate to?

This ^^ Obviously there are some worldwide customs which no-one in their right mind would wish to defend, but I'm not sure a happy event like a wedding qualifies ... and while the rich/poor divide might offend western sensibilities let's not forget that, for religious and cultural reasons, some feel differently about this

Lastly, while it's right to think carefully about cross cultural marriage, OP's made it clear that she's comfortable about the family she'll be joining. Maybe we could just take her word for it?

OhCaptain · 06/03/2020 18:44

There is so much thinly veiled racism on this thread. Depressing.

It’s very uncomfortable to read.

Clearly, there’s a white way and a wrong way.

Noodlenosefraggle · 06/03/2020 18:48

I had this and I'm still a bit bitter about it to be honest (and it was my family who imposed it on me, not my in laws)
But the reason I am bitter about it was that I didnt make the civil wedding enough of a big deal and I didn't appreciate how much of the big wedding was going to be literally nothing to do with me. In hindsight, I would have had whatever I wanted at the civil wedding- 3 tiered cake, bridal cars etc, let my mother get on with the other wedding and just turned up for the nice day. We don't even celebrate the big wedding anniversary, just the civil one. We get a card from my mum, who is the only person who even remembers the day!
My advice would be to have a lovely civil wedding, have everything you want that is important to you at that and then just let your MiL get on with it for the rest. It doesnt really matter. Who cares if youre not paying for it. I doubt they would give you the money instead of throwing it away on a wedding. Just have a fun day (or 3) and forget about it. You'd have already had the more meaningful and personal ceremony just how you like it. I do agree however that you need to think about joining such a different culture and make sure your future husband has your back and will put you before his mother on important things.

GrumpyHoonMain · 06/03/2020 18:49

* For Indian families who can’t afford an extravagant wedding for their children is their life just full of shame and humiliation?*

If you can’t afford a good wedding for your daughters then there are charities and communities in India that will help because, yes, there is a lot of shame and humiliation associated with not having a wedding big enough to reciprocately invite all the people who invited you to their weddings (and their family’s weddings). Guests do understand this though and will provide cash gifts in proportion to the festivities so in many cases the parents of daughters do get a large part of their money back.

mellicauli · 06/03/2020 18:50

I think a lot of comments here are unfair: surely both Indian and British cultures are of equal value here, therefore compromises have to be made on both sides?

I think you need to work out which bits you are most uncomfortable with and work on those with your Mother in Law, stressing that as you have different cultures, compromise will be required on both sides.

So work out what's the #1 biggest problem and go to work on that:

  • someone else being in control of your wedding
  • lots of strangers being present during what you regard as a personal moment
  • the extravagance / waste of the occasion
GrumpyHoonMain · 06/03/2020 18:56

OP I have had a wedding in India - it’s not possible to control it from the UK. You need local people to help and chase as in many cases, as all Indian marriages occur at similar times, the set up can be very last minute. For example my wedding planner had at least 30 weddings to set up in one weekend.

Davespecifico · 06/03/2020 19:07

Do what Noodlenosefraggle suggests. You can’t really say no, it’s his parents life’s work to ensure things happen this way. It would be mind blowing for them for their plans not to go ahead.
Have a lovely small wedding (that you have planned to suit yourselves)at home and then just enjoy what’s planned for you in India. You be just got to star in your own show for the day.

GinAndNightnurse · 06/03/2020 19:25

She wants to show off her son and its a very social affair. I have hinted it will be too much and she insists I will love it.

Shouldn’t you both hold off on those conversations until your boyfriend has actually proposed? Confused

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 06/03/2020 19:27

There is so much thinly veiled racism on this thread. Depressing.

It’s very uncomfortable to read.

Clearly, there’s a white way and a wrong way.

@Marmit and @OhCaptain, when you put it that way, it's quite shocking, as well as depressing. Am I allowed to mention the B word? Sad

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 06/03/2020 19:32

Can't you have a wedding in Scotland with elements from both cultures?
Do his parents actually live in India? You can have an Indian wedding in the UK.

VisionQuest · 06/03/2020 19:34

Nobody on here knows your fiancé or his parents so can't really comment on their attitudes post wedding/towards kids etc and how overbearing they are likely to be 🤷🏼‍♀️

You have said they are liberal and lovely, I hope for your sake that continues after you're married.

As for the wedding, personally I would be so uncomfortable with that amount of money essentially being flushed down the toilet. It's madness, when you consider what 200k could afford you as a newly married couple.

I appreciate that there are cultural differences but common sense clearly doesn't come into it at all. However, it is their money to do with as they please I suppose.

ineedaholidaynow · 06/03/2020 19:37

I don't like extravagant weddings wherever they are held. It doesn't sit comfortably with me to spend so much money for what is essentially a party, especially when it is to show off your wealth (or borrowed wealth).

Especially nowadays when we are much more conscious of limited world's resources and excess waste.

TakeMe2Insanity · 06/03/2020 19:45

You play them at their own game and do what all asian DILs do! Simple. They plan and arrange their event. You plan and arrange your event. Let them invite who they want, but when it comes to yours be strict about what you want. Why else do you think normal asian weddings consist of lots of receptions and parties etc because everyone wants their own party! All good fun. Just smile and don’t panic. Congratulations!

FlowerArranger · 06/03/2020 19:46

FFS

HedgehogTales · 06/03/2020 19:56

If you live in the UK, why don't you do a simple civil ceremony here, and then let the mil plan a big Indian wedding after that? Weddings in India are a social event for the families, not just a legal event.

KenAdams · 06/03/2020 19:56

Most of us in this situation have a big Indian wedding and a very small civil ceremony which we can tailor to how we want. That way everyone is happy. And I agree with the others in that this is the culture you'll be marrying into so you need to make sure you're comfortable with that.

MagnoliaJustice · 06/03/2020 20:05

From your OP, the man hasn't even proposed yet! This big wedding might not even happen.

FizzAfterSix · 06/03/2020 20:09

Whatever you do, please veto the use of elephants in your wedding celebration.
The `training' these poor animals endure is so cruel. They are taken from their mothers very young and forced to endure appalling cruelty.

Sunflower20 · 06/03/2020 20:10

If you love him so much, and you like his family who seem very nice, what's the issue? I would just go with the big wedding.

MumNeedsTea · 06/03/2020 20:19

FlowerArranger how is that video relevant to this conversation? Are you saying people shouldn't have big weddings as there are many others below the poverty line!?
Well in that case, let's stop having any big weddings in this country till we can ensure no one is homeless! They have saved for this wedding, they can decide what to spend on it.

OP are there really going to be 3000 people!? That does seem over the top!
Do his parents live in the UK? PP who are saying that they'll also interfere in your future life are to some extent correct as it is a very different culture, but in most cases the interference comes from a place of care and love... They know no other way.
You really do need to talk to your DP about how your future life will be. When they are old, will they expect to move in with you?

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