to veto 3000 strangers coming to my wedding?

[sooopersatsuma]

Name changed for this one!

I am in love with an Indian man and due to not so subtle hints I know he is going to propose soon and I am so excited!

I have the most wonderful soon to be MIL however in my DPs family and culture the wedding is all about the parents not the bride and groom. The parents plan everything. My DPs family, not as well off as you would assume, have saved up 6 figures for his wedding, a lifetime of savings! This will be an extravagant affair with elephants and 3000 strangers. It's my worst nightmare. But MIL has already excitedly told me about her plans (normal in that culture and very generous) but it is totally not what I want.

Im imagining a small intimate wedding with only close friends and family. As soon as we're engaged MILs planning will commence immediately and everything will be booked, so this is something I want to address before.

DP wants to please his mother and as weddings in his family are all about the parents he doesn't see it so much as our day but his mothers. Hes grown up with weddings like this so always imagined his own would be as extravagant.

£200,000 on a wedding is ridiculous isn't it? Ive suggested meeting somewhere in the middle, but I don't want 3000 strangers there, but this the most important aspect to MIL, that it's an open invitation with everyone they have ever met. She wants to show off her son and its a very social affair. I have hinted it will be too much and she insists I will love it. She will be devastated if I say no. AIBU to veto 3000 strangers at my wedding?

@GrumpyHoonMain

Without an Indian wedding the DP’s community won’t accept OP or any children after the in laws are gone.

Not entirely true. I'm married to an Indian. Our marriage is registered in the UK and both myself and DC are British passport holders with OCI cards. I've never been asked for proof of a wedding taking place in India.

We just had a religious blessing in India as we were already legally married. We didn't sign any paperwork in India.

I'd say it's easier to have the marriage legally recognised in the UK first, getting hold of any type of paperwork in India is an absolute nightmare.

We only had a party in India after the UK wedding

A friend had a huge Indian wedding but the day before was an intimate ceremony and a party of 20 of us went to a restaurant for dinner. You can do both and it recognises both cultures.

On the one hand I can understand that they’ve been dreaming about this day for years but on the other hand it’s cringeworthy to be so extravagant. I think this is one of those things where you just have to suck it up and let them have their happy event rather than cause a problem unnecessarily. In your place I would just let them do what they want to do but then have a second Scottish wedding for your friends and family (assuming that your wedding day is important to you which it seems like it is).

It’s not cringeworthy in India/their social and familial circle, though. Why is it so hard to understand that other cultures have other customs and mores that people in the U.K. might not relate to?

@GrumpyHoonMain that’s a massive generalisation. It really depends on the family. We didn’t have a big Indian wedding (we did have a Hindu ceremony though but it was a private affair), no one doubts the validity of our marriage or fails to recognise our children. DH’s parents didn’t have an Indian wedding either and yet their family is still 100% supportive of them. Few people worth knowing are that provincial anymore.

Without an Indian wedding the DP’s community won’t accept OP or any children after the in laws are gone.

They live in a different country to the OP and her husband to be though.

Either way, I was just pointing out that them stumping up 200k for the wedding, isn't a compromise. It's the only way it stands a chance of happening.

@Ninkanink pretty much all well mannered people find throwing around money like that distasteful regardless of culture. I think my in laws (both Asian) would be very displeased if we’d done that. It’s 2020 not 1920.

Ahaha was I literally culture-splaining Indian heritage and customs to someone who has personal experience thereof?? If so I apologise @Reginabambina!

Please go to pre marriage counselling

Crossposted!

@Ninkanink no need to apologise, neither of us are U.K. native so it is important to remember that there will be cultural differences at play. But this is something I’ve encountered in all cultures I’ve come across in an involved way (obviously there may well be some cultures where this is acceptable behaviour but I’d imagine that they must be few and far between).

It IS hard to understand such wastefulness and extravagance. I don’t care what your culture is, stop being so silly as to waste £200,000 on a bloody party.

You could wear a sari if his family want but have it made of tartan and your dp wears a kilt.

I might be inclined to agree (at least to an extent), but that’s rather a different discussion isn’t it.

I’m sure there are people who think my hobby of collecting and appreciating expensive handbags is obscene/cringeworthy/a waste of money/etc, but it’s not really any of their business what I do with my money...

It’s a big deal in the culture you’re marrying into. To not do it would bring shame on your DP and his family. If you can’t get on board with that, then this marriage won’t work. Pick your battles

OP I grew up in Canada and always wanted to get married in the garden of my childhood home. It’s quite a magical place. We did that, some Asian relatives flew from all over the US and were quite glad not to have to shlep to India for the Big Wedding. We had loads of friends from all over the world come to that wedding.

Then we had the Indian wedding. It wasn’t 3000 guests because DH’s family and social circle is quite small, but it was still hundreds and massive. Again we had lots of friends who came from all over the world. (We had a special ‘thank you dinner’ afterwards in London for the friends who made it to both weddings!).

I would have felt very uneasy about giving up my idea of a wedding. It remains one of the best days of my life. The Indian wedding was just for show, but made MIL happy as she could brag about it to her friends afterwards. I don’t even remember the date of our Indian wedding 😳, we don’t celebrate it as our wedding anniversary.

Btw, most of our friends got severely sick in India, even though the wedding was at a 5* hotel. Not me, I barely ate anything for two weeks.

But, think about all the gold you’ll receive! 😁

It doesn’t seem right that some families think nothing of spending £100k+ on a party just for show, when there is so much poverty on their doorstep.

Spending this all this money on a wedding is madness. Add to that the animal cruelty and a husband who lets mummy decide and you have a recipe for a long and happy life together.

Or not.

@PuppyMonkey

Why is it better to give it away than to spend it within the community and help the local economy?

Without an Indian wedding the DP’s community won’t accept OP or any children after the in laws are gone. Considering India is growing at a faster rate economically than the UK is, in 30-40 years time if OP’s kids want to move there to work it would be useful for them to have access to family support there. So the in laws are probably thinking of the long term picture here.

Brillant! Now that's long term planning.

This is bonkers.

Oh OP. You are me 10 yrs ago.

Spoiler alert, it didn't end well.

Yes you are right. 200k is an absolutely BATSHIT amount to spend. Also as you'll know, quite unusual for man's family to meet the cost.

Put your foot down about the wedding. I don't mean say oh maybe we can compromise and blah blah economise on this. I mean say "no, this doesn't work for me".

What happens next will tell you EVERYTHING you need to know about a) his family's opinion on you and the marriage in general b) how much your partner has your back. C) if you have any future together at all.

You need to be your own person.

I’m one of these people Nina.

None of my business about your handbags, no, but I can still judge you.

Yanbu.
I would hate all those people there. I was anxious just having a small wedding!

Ninka, I mean

Have you never seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding?? If you love him, you have to love that part of him too. And loving him